Jasper: “I was close right?”
::Mr. P-yooson pretends to look around::
Mr. P-yooson: “don’t see any horseshoes”
– from davepoobond’s high school
Category Archives: Quotes
Quotes, re-enactments, “real-life” chat logs.
Quote #21088: Spanish Dialogue
davepoobond: “ollah, Sra. Poopoo Cabeza!”
Sr. Poopoo Head: “No soy una Sra.! Tu eres tonto!”
davepoobond: “asi, asi! Tus estudiantes son tontos, no mi! puto!”
Sr. Poopoo Head: “puto! Puto! Tu eres el puto, puto!”
davepoobond: “whee!”
– written on a piece of paper for a school assignment, but wasn’t turned in.
Quote #21087
BlindBubba: “Did someone just cut-it?”
davepoobond: “I think so. I can smell it already.”
– from davepoobond’s high school
Quote #21086
Mrs. Stickums: “What does a taco have?”
davepoobond: “meat, taco…shell, cheese…lettuce”
Mrs. Stickums: “so, what is that?”
davepoobond: “a… taco”
Mrs. Stickums: “no, its a combination food”
– from davepoobond’s high school
Quote #21085
Shannon: “I took a shower, went to bed wet, and woke up at 7:15!”
Jeff: “ohh…so did I …”
– from davepoobond’s high school
Quote #21084
Shannon: “My mom drew a pumpkin on my lunch”
Jeff: “Aww, your mom is so creative…”
– from davepoobond’s high school
Quote #21083
(Moe is hooked up to lie detector)
Eddie: “Do you hold a gudge against Montgomery Burns?”
Moe: “No. [buzz] Alright, maybe I did but I didn’t shoot him. [ding]”
Eddie: “Checks out. OK, sir, you’re free to go.”
Moe: “Good, cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] Uh, a date. [buzz] Dinner with a friend. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] Alright! I’m gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalog. [buzz] (pauses) Sears catalog. [ding] Now would you unhook this already please?! I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]”
– from The Simpsons
Quote #21082
Marge: “Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?”
Homer: “Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of HIS life. He said I was an accident. He didn’t want to have me.”
Marge: “You didn’t want to have Bart.”
Homer: “I know, but you’re never supposed to TELL the child!”
Marge: “You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning.”
Homer: “But when I do it, it’s cute!”
– from The Simpsons
Quote #21081
Very Fat Homer: “Why won’t you give me my dignity? I just want to see Honk if You’re Horny in peace!”
Sarcastic Man: “Hey, I got a movie for you! A Fridge Too Far!”
– from The Simpsons
Quote #21080
Ned: “How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, ‘think’?”
Homer: “You mean Lisa?”
– from The Simpsons
Quote #21079
Bart: “Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?”
Homer: [reverently] “Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.”
Ned: [gasps] “Wait! Homer, what did you just say?”
Homer: “I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!”
– from The Simpsons
Quote #21078: AT&T Phone Call
One thing that has always bugged me, and I’m sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
–
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I’m really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying I’m really not interested, but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a rate of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that’s right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That’s right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but……
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for…..
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don’t think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…
AT&T: (click)
Quote #21077
Husband: “Uh oh, Blackout.”
Wife: “I’ll get the wine!”
– from the radio
Quote #21076
Doctor: “I’m holding Tom’s testicle.”
Tom Green: “It doesn’t look like it would usually do.”
– from The Tom Green Show
Quote #21075
Person 1: “We lost a person!”
Person 2: “That’s a great feeling.”
– from the TV