(Moe is hooked up to lie detector)

Eddie: “Do you hold a gudge against Montgomery Burns?”

Moe: “No. [buzz] Alright, maybe I did but I didn’t shoot him. [ding]”

Eddie: “Checks out.  OK, sir, you’re free to go.”

Moe: “Good, cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] Uh, a date. [buzz] Dinner with a friend. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] Alright! I’m gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalog. [buzz] (pauses) Sears catalog. [ding] Now would you unhook this already please?! I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]”

– from The Simpsons

Marge: “Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?”

Homer: “Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of HIS life.  He said I was an accident.  He didn’t want to have me.”

Marge: “You didn’t want to have Bart.”

Homer: “I know, but you’re never supposed to TELL the child!”

Marge: “You tell Bart all the time!  You told him this morning.”

Homer: “But when I do it, it’s cute!”

– from The Simpsons

Ned: “How do you do it, Homer?  How do you silence that little voice that says, ‘think’?”

Homer: “You mean Lisa?”

– from The Simpsons

Bart: “Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me.  How do you feel?”

Homer: [reverently] “Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.”

Ned: [gasps] “Wait!  Homer, what did you just say?”

Homer: “I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!”

– from The Simpsons