A couple went to pay a visit to another couple, unannounced. The wife answered the door. “Come in,” she said.
The other couple came in, sat down, then asked, “So, where’s Jack?”
“Oh,” replied his wife, “he’s in the bathroom, grouting and spackling.”
“Oh, dear,” said the other lady, “I had that once and didn’t get over it for two weeks.”
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son’s a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, “Are those your kids?”
“Yes, they are!” I answered proudly.
“They adopted?” he asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
“I thought so,” he concluded. “I figured you’re too old to have kids that small.”
Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother’s wedding gown.
When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Suddenly, her mother’s eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, “Don’t cry, Mom. Remember, you aren’t losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.”
“Oh, forget about that!” her mother sobbed. “I used to fit into that gown!”
At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.
One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.
When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, “So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?”
“Well, I suppose,” she replied, “I’m still cooking it.”
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.
The way he tells it, the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”
Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a medical student, I found one elderly gentleman — already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet — who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet?”
Shouting back, the woman replies,
“For crying out loud, Ed, I’ve been telling you for the last half hour…I’ll be ready in a minute!”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful…CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I’m driving.”
An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”
All he asked for was a little good-night kiss, but she haughtily rebuffed him with, “I don’t do that sort of thing on my first date!”
“Well,” he replied with sarcasm, “how about on your last?”
Our daughter Wendy stayed home to housesit while my wife and I went away for our anniversary. As she was eating dinner, the phone rang. It was a telemarketer.
Wendy: “Hello?”
Telemarketer: “Good evening. May I speak to Mr. Gallamore?”
Wendy: “I’m sorry, but he’s out of town celebrating his wedding anniversary.”
Telemarketer: “Oh, I understand. Well, then, may I please speak to Mrs. Gallamore?”
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.
One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.”
“Hm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer.”
“What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”
“He’s taking every penny I make.”
“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”
“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a Farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?”
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”
“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you a Christian?”
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, “Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.”
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, “Are you lost?”
“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.
“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”
Thinking he had accomplished something, the young Preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day!”
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days!”
The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to never completely disrobe in front of her husband when retiring for decorum’s sake.
One night, six weeks after the wedding, the husband said to his bride, “Is there any insanity in your family?”
“Why, no,” she said. “Why do you ask?”
“I was merely wondering,” said he, “why you haven’t taken your hat off since we’ve been married?”
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.
On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.
“Oh, you’ll be fine,” he said, waving of his hand. “If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke.”