The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
The budget of a local monastery was very tight, so the brothers decided to open a fish and chips stand to raise money. One day, a man knocked on the door. When one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, “May I have just an order of fries?”
“Hold on a moment,” said the brother who opened the door. “You want the chip monk. I’m the fish friar.”
Q: What do you call it when two egotists meet?
A: An I for an I.
Much of his life, Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot, which produced callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he often had bad breath.
Do you know what this made him? A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Q: What do you call a gossip?
A: Someone with a great sense of rumor.
Q: What do you call it when you dream in color?
A: A pigment of your imagination.
You Might Be a Redneck If…
…you are one armadillo away from a new pair of boots.
…you clean your fingernails with a stick.
…you never need a menu at Dairy Queen.
…something hisses at you every time you peer into your crawl space.
…the Salvation Army declines your mattress.
…your four-year-old grandson has ever said, “mommy won’t let me light the fireworks with grandpa’s cigarettes anymore.”
…you always take a penny but never leave one.
…your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
…your child’s first words were “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
…your wife’s “indoor voice” can be heard a block away.
…someone hits your parked car and you don’t care.
…your idea of talking during sex is “Ain’t no cars coming, baby!”
…your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
…you regularly light your cigarettes off a stovetop burner.
…you use a ShamWow as a doily.
…your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.
They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
She says to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen.”
After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”
Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”
Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other:
”I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!”
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Amos
Amos who?
Amosquito
When her son turned eight, the mom knew he would soon be questioning the existence of Santa Claus. One day, the boy looked at his mom and said, “I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”
Taking a deep breath, his mom responded, “Oh, what is that?”
“They’re all nocturnal.”
Q: What did the salt say to the pepper?
A: “Season’s greetings!”
A teenager needed to wash a sweatshirt. Unsure of the proper water temperature and setting, he hollered to his mom, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” his mother replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
“University of Texas.”
A man took his six-year-old son to his first football game. Afterward, he asked the boy what he thought of the game.
“It was exciting,” he replied. “But I don’t understand why they were killing each other for twenty-five cents.”
“What do you mean?” the dad asked.
“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!'”
Q: Why did the boy take his baseball bat to the library?
A: Because his teacher told him to hit the books.
Q: It can be cracked; it can be made. It can be told; it can be played. What is it?
A: A joke.