TV shows written for SBC.
Judge: So, do you have a case, defense?
Defending Lawyer: nope!
Judge: …then what are you doing here?
Defending Lawyer: I dont know, i’m getting paid?
Judge: you’re getting PAID?
(Judge looks around room)
Judge: Ok! Who let the professionals in?
(end)
Announcer: What happens when you put a bunch of boxers into a house to live with each other? You get…TYSON AND FRIENDS!!!
(Evander, Tyson, and Oscar are huddled around a flashlight and a phone in Tyson’s room)
Evander: we’re going to have to be quiet, so we don’t wake up the Hurricane
Tyson: oh, don’t worry about it….Betsy will keep him busy ALL night
Oscar: ugh…I hate that Betsy
Tyson: ok…so….who are we going to call? Its 2:00 in the morning, so, anybody we call will be instantly pissed off. Luckily, we might call a truck drivers house and wake up the truck driver, cuz he has to go at 5:00 in the morning and got home at 12:00 in the morning….so……..yeah…..
Oscar (punching in numbers): rinnnnnggggggg riiiiiingggggggg
(Evander raises an eyebrow and takes the phone away from Oscar)
Oscar: HEY! I usin that phone!
Evander: you had your turn…….my turn…..i’m gonna call a psychic hotline……that Cleo fag that keeps taking up all that time on the TV guide channel and shit channels like that
Oscar (scratching his head): well, ok, but I get to talk too
Evander (putting the phone on speaker phone): fine, we’ll all be able to talk
(Evander calls the psychic hotline with Cleo)
Cleo: hello, baby! You’ve reached Cleo!
Evander: FAG!
Cleo: well, that’s nice, tell me your name and birth date, and I’ll tell you your fortune!
Oscar: FAG!
Cleo: oh! So you name is FAG!, eh?
Tyson: FAG!
Cleo: and you birth date is FAG!, also…well, let me see here…
(a few seconds pass)
Cleo: well, it says here for you that you will go to bed…have a nice day, good bye, and thank you for your money!
(Cleo hangs up)
Tyson: that was extremely gay
Evander: eh….ok…..yeah, it was..
(Oscar farts)
Tyson: ……
Evander: right…lets call another number
(Tyson bangs his head on the dial pad)
Evander: its ringing!
Oscar: yeehaw!
Phone: hello, you’ve reached Closet World, can I help you?
Evander: OH SHIT!
Phone: what? What is it?
Evander: I need a closet!!!! Send one right nowwwww!
Phone: how big?
Evander: well, 111 feet by 10 centimeters
Phone: umm…ho-
(Evander hangs up)
(Tyson and Oscar start laughing, and the phone rings)
Tyson: oh crap! Don’t pick up!
(the phone rings and the answering machine picks up)
answering machine: hello….may I speak to the head of the house? Hello? Hello? Hell-
(the answering machine cuts the guy off)
Tyson: haha
Evander (growling): this is getting really boring…
(Tyson, Evander and Oscar all fart a really stinky fart and pass out)
(end)
Announcer: What happens when you put a bunch of boxers into a house to live with each other? You get…TYSON AND FRIENDS!!!
(Tyson, Oscar, and Evander are sitting on a couch watching TV)
(Tyson is flipping through the channels with the remote)
Oscar: Man, they ain’t no good thing on!
Evander: no, its they ain’t nothing good on!
Oscar (yelling in Evander’s face): I say how I want!
Evander (yelling in Oscar’s face): No! It’s, I say how I want to!
Oscar: I NO CARE!
Evander: SHUT UP AND GET OUTTA MY FACE!
(Evander shoves Oscar out of his face)
Ruben “Hurricane” Carter (yelling from the back): Would you shut the hell up before I beat you down wit my cane?!?
Oscar (standing up and yelling toward the back): You cannot beat me wit silly cane, old man!
Tyson: Sit yo’ ass down!
(Tyson tugs on Oscars shirt till he sits down)
(there’s a knock at the door)
Tyson (yelling at the door): Who is it?
Oscar: YA! WHO IT BE?
Betsy: It’s Betsy!
Tyson: GO AWAY BETSY!
Oscar: Yes! Go away, we no want sugar today!
Evander: …and I dont wanna see your tight tiger skin pants on your flabby legs!
Betsy: Oh, comonnn….I have meat clips on today!
(all of them make weird faces)
Tyson, Oscar and Evander: EWWW!!
Tyson (whispering to Oscar and Evander): I know a way to get rid of her!
(Tyson takes out an old Arabian lamp from the couch)
Tyson (holding the lamp high up to the light): SEE???
Oscar: What it do?
Tyson (dissapointed): You are supposed to squint because the lamp is so shiny!
Evander: Its not shiny…its dirty!
(Tyson punches Evander on the arm)
Tyson: NO…it ain’t
Ruben “Hurricane” Carter: I want some milk!
(Oscar stands up and yells toward Ruben’s room)
Oscar: I no want give milk!
(Tyson rubs the lamp and a thing comes out of it)
Evander (looking up at the cloud of smoke taking a shape): Is that…Mohammed Ali???
Mohammed Ali: What do you want master?
Tyson: I want you to get rid of Betsy…
(Betsy knocks on the door again)
Tyson: …and give old Ruben some milk.
Oscar: I solve problem!
(Oscar opens the door and lets Betsy in)
Betsy: I knew you’d come around!
Oscar: I no want milk! Give Ruben milk!
(Betsy runs to Ruben’s door and opens and closes it)
Ruben: HUH??? Betsy! How did you get in here??
(kissing sounds come from Ruben’s bedroom)
Ruben: NOO!!! HELP ME!!! HELP ME! I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS!
Tyson (looking at the bedroom door): well…I guess that’s ok…
(Tyson looks up at Mohammed)
Tyson: You can go into the lamp now…
Mohammed: …ok…
(Mohammed disappears into the lamp)
(Tyson picks up the remote control and starts flipping through the channels again)
Tyson: Well, there’s nothing on…
Evander: Yeah, I guess so…
Oscar: Let make prank phone call!
Tyson: Hey, that’s a good idea!
Oscar (tapping his head with one finger): I know I be smart
(Evander yawns)
Evander: Its a little late…let’s do it tomorrow…
Tyson: Yeah, I guess it is pretty late…
(everybody goes to their bedrooms and go to sleep)
(end)
Computer: Hey Everybody It’s time for Pussy the Wussy
Pussyteers: Pussy the Wussy wusses out here, Pussy the Wussy wusses out there, Pussy the Wussy wusses out EVERYWHERE!!!!
Pussy the Wussy: Thank you pussyteers you do a purrrrrfectly fine job singing the Pussy the Wussy song. Give a round of applause!!!
Crowd: Those guys SUCK!!
Pussyteer leader: Well gee, you guys are just a big fat tub of lard that and that and Godzilla couldn’t move!!!!!
Crowd: SO!!!! We get free shows don. t we?? Anyway this show isn’t worth shit!! No wonder I. m the only one here!!! I. m REALLY hurt by that “diss.”
(Crowd rolls his eyes)
Pussy the Wussy: What is your name ma’am?
Crowd: That’s SIR to you!!!
Pussy the Wussy: Yes ma’am!! Get the people to write SIR for the name of this dear old lady.
SIR: I’m a man!!!!!
Pussy the Wussy: A. MAN? I thought it was SIR!?! Is it A. SIR MAN?
A. SIR MAN: NO you little piece of shit!!!
Pussy the Wussy: My name is not You Little Piece of Shit, it. s Pussy the Wussy!!
A. SIR MAN: Urrgh!!
Pussy the Wussy: Is that a part of your name A. SIR MAN?
A. SIR MAN: NO!!!
Pussy the Wussy: Are you sure?
A. SIR MAN: YES!!!
Pussy the Wussy: Well, which is it? Yes or no?
A. SIR MAN: I’M NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE!!!!
(A. SIR MAN tries to move but can’t)
A. SIR MAN: DAMMIT!!! …..well what is this show about anyway??
Pussy the Wussy: Um….I show tapes of places I wuss out. And I do some crazy stuff also, that are really funny!
A. SIR MAN (mumbling): I’m sure…
Pussy the Wussy: I’ll show you one right now!
(scene switches to a title)
Title: Pussy the Wussy Wusses Out
(Pussy the Wussy is walking along the sidewalk and a homeless person comes up to him)
Homeless Person: A penny for my thoughts?
Pussy the Wussy: You haven’t been homeless for that long, a homeless person is too hungry to be funny. And you scare me.
(Pussy the Wussy starts to back away and the Homeless Person still walks toward him)
Homeless Person: Please, I’m hungry and thirsty
Pussy the Wussy: NO, GET AWAY!!!! AARRRGHH!!!!
(Pussy the Wussy runs away)
(end of clip)
(scene switches to Pussy the Wussy sitting at his desk)
Pussy the Wussy: How did you like that?
A. SIR MAN: THAT WAS STUPID!!!!
Pussy the Wussy: Stoopid? Or Stupid?
A. SIR MAN: IT WAS DUMB AS SHIT!!!
Pussy the Wussy: I’m glad you liked it
A. SIR MAN: I DIDN’T!!!!
Pussy the Wussy: NEXT CLIP!!!
A. SIR MAN: PLEASE, NO!!!
(scene switches to title)
Title: Pussy the Wussy Wusses Out Again
(Pussy the Wussy is walking along a sidewalk in New York)
Pussy the Wussy: So, this is New York?
(a weird lady walks up to him and opens her coat so Pussy the Wussy can see her)
Weird Lady: Hey, wanna have a party?
Pussy the Wussy: AAHH!!! YOU SCARE ME!!!
Weird Lady: What is it? Are you a virgin? Are my boobs too big? What?
Pussy the Wussy: Get away from me!!! YOU SCARE ME!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!
(Pussy the Wussy runs away)
(end of clip)
(scene switches back to Pussy the Wussy sitting at his desk)
Pussy the Wussy: THAT was GOOD!!!
A. SIR MAN: THAT MADE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!!!! HOW COULD YOU SAY IT WAS GOOD?
Pussy the Wussy: Because…compared to this…its nothing!
(Pussy the Wussy points at the camera)
Pussy the Wussy: NEXT CLIP!
A. SIR MAN: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
(scene switches to title)
Title: Pussy the Wussy Tries to Take a Crap
(Pussy the Wussy is walking into a Carl’s Jr.)
(Pussy the Wussy tries the door on the bathroom, its locked)
Pussy the Wussy: Hmm…that’s odd, it won’t open.
(Pussy the Wussy looks at the handle)
Pussy the Wussy: Oh! That’s why! Somebody is in here! It says OCCUPIED.
(Pussy the Wussy goes over and buys a burger and fries and sits down at a table)
Pussy the Wussy: This stuff is pretty good…
(Pussy the Wussy finishes his food and goes over to the bathroom)
(its still locked)
Pussy the Wussy (looking at his watch): Hmm…this person has been going to the bathroom for about 20 minutes!
(the door opens and a woman comes out of the bathroom, she has toilet paper trailing on her foot)
Pussy the Wussy: Excuse me ma’am…this is a bathroom for men…
Lady: And that doesn’t include She-Males?
(Pussy the Wussy gets wide-eyed and starts to get nervous)
Pussy the Wussy: did you say…she…she-male?
She-Male: Yes, I am a she-male
Pussy the Wussy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU SCARE ME!!
(Pussy the Wussy runs away from the she-male)
(end of clip)
Pussy the Wussy (laughing): WASN’T THAT FUNNY?????
A. SIR MAN: …no
Pussy the Wussy: Why not?
A. SIR MAN: cause
Pussy the Wussy: cause what?
A. SIR MAN: BECAUSE, YOU’RE AN IDIOT! YOU RUN AWAY FROM ANYTHING! YOU RAN AWAY FROM A BLOW JOB!
Pussy the Wussy: A blow what??? Excuse me sir, that is NOT funny! You may not say things like that on this show!
A. SIR MAN: OH YEAH? SHIT, SHIT, FUCK MY ASS! BITCH!
Pussy the Wussy: I’m pretending I didn’t hear that!
A. SIR MAN: GOOD!
Pussy the Wussy: Ok, I have nothing else to show you guys for today.
(Pussy the Wussy gets up and leaves)
A. SIR MAN: no, don’t leave me! You can’t leave me here alone!
(end)
Billy Washer: Today on America’s Least Wanted we hunt America’s least wanted as we do on every show. Today we sent Johnny Boy to arrest America’s 91st least wanted criminal, the Candy Man. We go on scene with Johnny Boy.
5:00 p.m.
Johnny Boy: Yeah this job is tough especially when you fuckin’ name at the fuckin’ station and out on fuckin’ patrol is Johnny Boy. Anyway the stupid mother foe we’re lookin’ for is named the Candy Man. Once he paid half price on a piece of taffy and we’d been hunting him down ever since. The store owner said something about a half off sale goin’ on, but we didn’t believe him. I’d like you to meet my buddy who is driving the car. His name is Boingy Boy. Hey, at least I’m not the one with the worst nickname.
Camera Guy (thinking): Gee, I wonder what the other Cops nicknames are?
Johnny Boy: Boy there’s a lot of stupid nicknames there like; Mooner Boy, Flashy Boy, Bungrolypoly, Bonkelt hippo p h Vandlevirels, sjflsdfklj, that kind of thing.
Camera Guy (thinking to himself): Oh Boy next he’s going to tell me that the name of the station is DUMP Police Force. Yeah right. That can’t happen.
Johnny Boy: The name of our station is DUMP Police Force.
Boingy Boy: Yeah everybody’s name is DUMP. Especially that Bonkelt hippo p h Vandlevirels guy.
Computer in the car: BEEEPP Beep Car No. 0 please go to Main and South, Candy Man has been spotted!
Johnny Boy: oh great….TURN LEFT TURN LEFT!!!
(Boingy Boy turns to the left)
Johnny Boy (pouting): and today I thought we’d get first dibs on donuts….
Boingy Boy (gritting his teeth): eerrgghh that just makes me MAD!!!
(Boingy Boy flips a switch)
(everybody gets launched back into their seats)
Johnny Boy: OH NOOO!!! HE PUT THE NITROS ON!!!
Camera Guy: AARRGGHHH!!!!
(suddenly the car slows down and they see a man walking along the side of the road)
Johnny Boy (hanging his head out the window): Excuse me, mister! Are you the Candy Man?
Person: Who?
Johnny Boy: Did you ever buy a piece of taffy at a store for half price?
Person: yeah, a while ago
(Johnny Boy and Boingy Boy get out of the car real fast with their guns upholstered pointing toward him)
Johnny Boy (pointing the gun at the person): DROP TO THE FLOOR!!!
Person: WHAT THE HELL?
(Boingy Boy gets out his night stick and clubs him on the head)
Boingy Boy: RESPECT MY AUTHORATAH!!!
(Johnny Boy looks at Boingy Boy)
Boingy Boy (shrugging): Hey, I got that from a TV show my son was watching…
(Johnny Boy rolls his eyes)
Person (holding his head): OW! That REALLY hurt!
(Johnny Boy tackles him and puts him down on the floor and cuffs him)
Person (from under Johnny Boy): WHAT THE FUCK??? GET OFF ME!!! I DIDN’T DO NUTTIN!!!
Johnny Boy: Yeah I’m SURE, CANDY MAN!!!
Computer (from inside car): Beep beep, Car No. 0, we have sighted another Candy Man, please proceed to 5th street when your done wrapping things up.
(Johnny Boy on top of the person’s back)
Johnny Boy (looking down at him): OH HO!! So you got a WHOLE army of you guys?
Person: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????
(Boingy Boy hits him on the head with the night stick again)
Boingy Boy (while hitting him): RESPECT MY AUTHROTAH!!
(the person goes out cold)
(Johnny Boy picks up the person and shoves him in the car)
(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy get in the car quickly and drive to 5th Street)
Boingy Boy: THERE HE IS!!!
(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy get out with their night sticks and start beating the guy up)
Boingy Boy, Johnny Boy: RESPECT OUR AUTHORATAH!!!
Guy: AAHHH!!!! HELP ME!!!
(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy keep whapping the guy with their sticks, cuff him and shove him in the car)
(an old lady goes over to them)
Old Lady (waving a finger in their faces): Don’t make me call the police!
(Johnny Boy and Boingy Boy look at each other)
Boingy Boy: Ma’am we ARE the police
Old Lady: Yeah right…
(Johnny Boy gets mad and starts whapping the old lady)
Johnny Boy: HEY! Fake Teeth the Old Lady, I bet YOU are the Candy Man, cause you have FAKE teeth.
(Boingy Boy starts whapping the old lady too)
Johnny Boy (while whapping the lady): BAD OLD LADY! BAD!
Boingy Boy: RESPECT MY AUTHORATAH!!!
(Johnny Boy cuffs the old lady and shoves her in the backseat)
Johnny Boy (wiping his hands together): Well, that about covers it, lets go back to the station.
2:35 a.m.
Johnny Boy: Well, because of our goof up on our last little adventure, we have to work overtime until we bust someone that has committed a crime, with no pay….
Boingy Boy: DAMMIT!! THIS SUCKS SO MUCH!!!
Johnny Boy: Its ok, we won’t be out too long, I know some old geezer that has been doing some stuff that’s really bad
Boingy Boy: What’d he do?
Johnny Boy: He’s teaching people how to strip, on TV
Boingy Boy: What a sicko!
Johnny Boy: Yep, that’s his house right there!
(the car swerves right into Mr. Rogers’ garage)
(scene goes to Mr. Rogers inside his house)
(we see Mr. Rogers come in through his door)
Mr. Rogers: Hello, my neighbors. It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood, a wonderful day.
(just then the two cops bust through the door)
Boingy Boy: Mr. Rogers, you’re under arrest!
Mr. Rogers: What’s da charge?
Johnny Boy: Teaching people to strip….on TV!
Mr. Rogers: I ain’t goin coppas!
(Mr. Rogers breaks for the door but the cops hold him back and punch him to the floor, start beating him up, stand up, take out their guns and shoot him)
Johnny Boy (putting his gun away): Well, that’s about it for today…
Boingy Boy: Yay…now I can go home
(Boingy Boy yawns and scene fades)
(end)
Now top stories with David…
Sports with Davis…
Weather with Daveed…
a few words with Fiddlesticks…
the Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown…
And other miscellaneous characters
David: The top stories today are 1. DBC is…
Fiddlesticks: Boring!!!
Davis: Shut up you perv!
Fiddlesticks: Are you callin’ my wife?
Davis: Umm……
Fiddlesticks: Are you having an affair with my wife?
Davis: I don’t have an affair with pervs!
Fiddlesticks: Oh, so now your bringing my wife’s friends into this now?!!
Daveed: His wife is probably one of the blow up girls.
Fiddlesticks: Well, fuck you
Daveed: Hey…
David: Shut up Weather Boy!! Can I go on with my top stories now??
Daveed: Right after I diss Fiddlesticks.
David: I said SHUT UP!!
Daveed: Shut does not go up
David: Yeah sure whatever. As I was saying, DBC is having a whole new line of characters we told you about last show are appearing THIS show!!!
Fiddlesticks: (yawn) Oh…wow.
Davis: They better not be better than me!!!
Daveed: Scum is better than you!!!
Davis: Why I oughtta…
Binky: Guess who gets to interview them today?!!
Daveed: Gee, you’re not in a little hole called the Special Guest Corner for nothin’!!
Producer: Speaking of which we have to go there now because we have a lot of people to interview.
Davis: What?!? And take the cameras away from me? I’ll sue!!!
Binky: First up we have…
David: This just in!!! All the characters we mentioned on our last show were on there way here in our Special DBC Bus of Joy and Luck…
Davis: I hate that name!! It should’ve been called The Special DBC Bus of umm… uhhh
Daveed: Shut up!!!
David: ………………Right. Anyway it blew up and everybody in the bus was fried like a burned french fry on a hot day in July. There are no survivors. If there were any survivors they’d have 1…2…3… 500 degree burns!!!
Binky: So who the heck am I supposed to interview??
Producer: Well umm… Some guys called and said that they wanted to be on the show and I said maybe and I guess they could be on the show…
Binky: OK bring’em in
Producer: I already called them and they’re here
Binky: First we have…(whispering to the Producer) get me a list of the names Mr. Producer
(Producer gives him a list)
Binky: First we have… Davy!!
(Davy comes in and sits on a chair)
Binky: Hello, Davy.
Davy: Hi
Binky: Well I see here that you are a –
Davy: Sex offender
Binky: Yes you are
Davy: I know that
Binky: Well I don’t think we’re going to be using you a lot
Davy: Oh trust me… you will
(Davy gets up and leaves)
Binky: OK, next we have Dave
(Dave comes in and sits on a chair)
Binky: Hello Dave
Dave: Hello Binky
Binky: Your an undercover reporter huh?
Dave: Yeah
Binky: Is there anything you want to say?
Dave: Yeah
Binky: Well?
Dave: Your an idiot
Binky: Right, next
Dave: Didn’t you hear me?
Binky: Yeah, sure, whatever, NEXT
Dave: Man, you suck
(Dave gets up and leaves)
Binky: Next we have, Davaroo
(Davaroo comes in and sits on a chair)
Davaroo: Hi Binky!!!
Binky: What exactly is a bioman?
Davaroo: Me
Binky: I know that but what is it
Davaroo: Who?
Binky: That!!
Davaroo: What?
Binky: A bioman!!!
Davaroo: Me
Binky: Urrrrrggghhh
Davaroo: I guess I better go
(Davaroo gets up and runs out the door)
Binky: Next we have Daveacaso
(Daveacaso comes in and sits on a chair)
Daveacaso: Yo, Binky what’s happinin’?
Binky: Right, what do you do for a living?
Daveacaso: I’m an art guy
Binky: Next!!
Daveacaso: Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute!!!!
Binky: What?
Daveacaso: You can’t do that!!
Binky: What?
Daveacaso: As soon as I sit down you, well, umm… you kick me out!!!
Binky: So…what you are trying to tell me is you want to get interviewed the right way?
Daveacaso: Yeah I guess so.
Binky: …NEXT
Daveacaso: Wait a gosh darn second!!
Binky: Man you’re already stretching your time to the next person’s interview time
Daveacaso: Fine man, jeez I don’t care…
(Daveacaso gets up and leaves)
Binky: Next we have Davinky
(Davinky comes in and sits on a chair)
Binky: Ok you are a war guy right?
Davinky: Ya
Binky: Give us a little bit of what you have
Davinky: Umm… OK I got it. Yesterday in the war Thunder Lightning with Iraq, Oh before I go on you should know this is fake but interesting, Action Hank busted through Sudam Husaine’s palace with Action Hank’s Action Tank and made the palace go in ruins. That’s about it… can I go now
Binky (with face in hands shaking head from left to right): Yeah sure…
Davinky: COOL!!
(Davinky gets up and leaves)
Binky: OK, next we have Davewooligan
(Davewooligan comes in and sits on a chair, Davewooligan always talks in a passionate voice)
Davewooligan: Hi, Binky
Binky: You’re a gay movie critic aren’t you?
Davewooligan: Yeah, you wanna go watch some movies with me…in bed
Binky: HELL NO, NEXT
Davewooligan: C’mon Binky, It’ll be fun. We can watch Barbara Streisand and the guy from Baywatch stripping.
Binky: NO WAY MAN, GET OUT OF HERE
Davewooligan: Oh poo, do I have to leave?
Binky: YES, YOU DO!!!
Davewooligan: Fine I’ll go…call me sometime…sweetcakes
Binky (muttering): I wouldn’t do it if my life depended on it
(Davewooligan gets up and as he goes he blows a kiss to Binky… Binky throws up)
Binky: Uhhhggg…next we have Davehooligan. Oh, great another gay guy.
(Davehooligan comes in and sits down)
Davehooligan: Damn…did you see that??
Binky: What?
Davehooligan: The buns on that chick that just went past me.
Binky: That wasn’t a girl.
Davehooligan: I know…………… anyway girls are really ugly.
Except for the ones that get sex changes.
Davis: HEY, hold up!!!! I think you and Fiddlesticks would make a great couple.
Davehooligan: Who is this, Fiddlesticks??
Fiddlesticks: ME!!! And if you even get close to me I’ll break your puny little legs!!!!
Davehooligan: I’d like that.
Fiddlesticks (shouting to producer): ……Do I have to work here????
(Fiddlesticks goes offstage with the producer)
Binky: Is there anything you’d like to say
Davehooligan: Do you know his number???
Davis: Yeah it’s 555-93824352191545794
Davehooligan: Cool
Binky: Uhhh…can you leave now??
Davehooligan: Sure, maybe I can catch up with that chick…
(Davehooligan gets up and runs out trying to catch up with Davewooligan)
Binky: Ok…now we have Davidian
(Davidian comes in and sits down)
(Davidian has an Indian accent)
Davidian: Hallo Binky
Binky: What??
Davidian: Hallo Hallo I said Hallo
Binky: What’s Hallo?
(Davidian loses his Indian accent)
Davidian: HELLO YOU STUPID IDIOT, HELLO
(Davidian goes back to his Indian accent)
Binky: Ok, so what do you do?
Davidian: I’m a world traveler and I live in Africa and personally support gay, ugly, zebras and rhinos
(the door to the office flies open)
Fiddlesticks (offstage): NO I DON’T WANT A GOD DAMNED GAY IDIOT ON MY BACK THE REST OF THE TIME I WORK HERE!!!!!
Producer: SHUT UP YOU STUPID IDIOT YOU ARE THE STUPIDIST IDIOT IN THE WORLD YOU IDIOT!!!!!
Natalya (director): SHUT UP AND CLOSE THE DOOR!!!!
(the producer closes the door)
Davidian: Ummm……I’m scared…
Binky: Then go away
(Davidian gets up teary eyed)
Davidian: mmm, mmmm, WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH MOMMMYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAAAAAA
(Davidian runs away)
Binky: Next we have Disco Dave…
(All of a sudden a disco ball comes out of the roof and disco lights come on and HOT STUFF starts to play)
Music: Lookin’ for some HOT STUFF……….
(the music goes on and on)
(Disco Dave comes out dancing. He has some bellbottoms on and his shirt isn’t buttoned up)
(Disco Dave sits down and everything stops)
Disco Dave: Peace Man…
Binky: Huh?
Disco Dave: Peace man… you know 70’s talk
Davis: Dude!!!! Why do we have all these weirdoes coming on the show???
(the door to the office flies open again)
Natalya: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! BOTH OF YOU!!!!
(the office door closes again)
Davis: ………..Never mind…
Daveed: Yeah you better never mind!!!!!
Davis: Shove it, you jerk-off!!!
Daveed: ME???? A jerk-off???? Why don’t you suck it!!!!
(Daveed stands up and does the sign, or whatever you call it, for suck it)
Davis: Yeah, you’d want me to!!!!
David: Shut up, I just ate lunch!!!
Daveed: WHAT!!!! You had a lunch!!!!
David: Yeah I did have a lunch!!!!!
Davis: HUH??? YOU HAD A LUNCH???
David: YA IT WAS A PIECE OF CARDBOARD, YOU TWIT!!!!
Daveed: Did you leave any left???
David: NO WAY!!!! I WAS HUNGRY!!!
Disco Dave: HEY!!!! Peace man…PEACE…
Daveed: Ya he’s right let’s make peace…
David: Yes let’s
Davis: Are you sure there isn’t any cardboard left???
Daveed: We are trying to make peace you idiot!!!
Davis: Peace??? HA!!! HA HA HA AHAAAA
(Davis laughs hysterically)
(Disco Dave gets up and all of a sudden the lights start flashing like Disco lights, the music starts playing, and the Disco Ball……well it does its thing)
(the office door opens again)
Director: BYE BYE FIDDLESTICKS!!!!!
Fiddlesticks: BYE BYE MRS. STUPID!!!!!! BYE BYE STUPID MR. STOOPY POOPY!!!!!!
Producer: Suck it!!!!
Fiddlesticks: Shove it!!!!
Producer: SUCK IT!!!!
Fiddlesticks: No!! You can do it yourself!!!
Producer: Fuck you!
Fiddlesticks: SHUT UP!!!!!
(Disco Dave sits down and everything stops)
Producer: ……I’m sorry…It’s just the music that gets me mad…
Fiddlesticks: …Yeah me too…
(the producer and Fiddlesticks run to each other and hug)
Davis: Ewwwwwwwwwww
David: You can say that again….
(the producer and Fiddlesticks start to kiss)
(Davewooligan appears in the doorway)
Davewooligan: Hey!!! Let me in on some of this!!!!
(Davewooligan runs for a group hug. Producer and Fiddlesticks stop kissing. The Producer, Fiddlesticks, and Davewooligan hug each other.)
Davehooligan: Hey!!!! There you are!!!!!!
(Davehooligan runs for the group hug also)
David: Gross!!!!!!
Daveed: Can you guys stop hugging???
Davis: I think I’m going to hurl…
Binky: This is too much…
Disco Dave (frowning): This isn’t too hip.
Davewooligan, Davehooligan, Fiddlesticks, and Producer: Aaaaaaawwwwwwww
David: Hey they said that Disco Dave’s music makes them mad!!!!
Daveed: Yeah!!!!! Get up Disco Dave!!!!
(Disco Dave gets up)
(Everybody stops hugging)
(Everybody screams at the same time)
Producer: I’M GOING TO GET YOU!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Fiddlesticks: YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Davehooligan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Davewooligan: RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
(everybody charges at each other)
(the fight turns in to Slug-o-Rama Festival 22)
Disco Dave (in mortal kombat voice): SLUG-O-RAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
David: Yeah!!!!! Give him a kick in the balls!!!!
Daveed: PUNCH ‘EM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Davis: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Binky: Give him a left and a right!!!!!!!
David: HA HA! This is so cool!!!
(Producer socks Fiddlesticks in the jaw)
(Davewooligan clips Davehooligan in the stomach)
1 HOUR LATER!!!!!
(Producer tirely punches Fiddlesticks in the face)
(Davewooligan collapses on top of Davehooligan)
Davehooligan: OH YEAH!!!!
(Davehooligan starts humpin’ Davewooligan)
Davewooligan (in sexy voice): Ohhhhh yessss.
David: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW that’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen!!!! CAN I BLOW THEM UP WITH MY GRENADE?
Davis: Go ahead!!!
Daveed: Please!!!
Binky: That’ll be the best thing that happened if you do
(David throws the grenade)
Davehooligan: Huh? What’s this?
Davewooligan: It’s probably a sex toy
Davewooligan: Ok, cool. How do you use it?
David: You pull the pin and wait 10 seconds
Davehooligan: Let’s pull it together
(Davehooligan and Davewooligan pull the pin)
10 SECONDS LATER!!!!
BOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
David: HA HA HA HA HA! SUCCESS!!!
Davis: FREEDOM!!!!
Daveed: FINALLY IT’S ALL OVER!!!!
Binky: Phew…I thought it would never end!!
Davehooligan: Uhhgghh. Ow, I’m hurting all over.
Davewooligan: At least you are living!!!
(Davewooligan makes a choking sound and dies)
Davehooligan: Noooo. My love!!! I shalt not live one more moment without thee.
Davis: Huh?
David (looking at Davis and shrugging): I don’t know.
(Davehooligan takes a dagger from his pocket and sticks it through his heart)
Davehooligan: Ow, that hurts…
Davis: Wow…that wasn’t even clever.
(Davehooligan chokes and blood starts to come out of his mouth, nose, and ears)
David: Eww…that’s gross.
Binky: Not as gross as before..
Daveed: Yeah, I guess
Binky: Who do we have next?
(Shavis has an Arnold Schwarzennegger voice, he is really buff)
Shavis: ME!!! SHAVIS!!!
(Shavis sits down on the chair)
Binky: Ok what do you do?
Shavis: I am Shavis, I’m so cool!!!!
Binky: Ok…what do you do?
Shavis: I sit around looking good with my superior muscles and I shave a lot…I like to shave
Binky: Ok…what else do you do?
Shavis (shouting): What do you mean what else do I do? I sit around and I shave a lot!!!! You are confusing me!!!! AAAHHH!!!!
(Shavis gets all red and looks like he is gonna blow up)
Binky: Ok, you don’t have to answer that
(all of a sudden Shavis returns to normal)
Shavis: You want to know what I ate for breakfast today?
Binky: Sure…
Shavis: I had 3 bags of sugar, 2 bags of brown sugar, lot’s of soda which was caffeine enriched, caffeine pills, and 3 of those rush pills
Binky: Anything else?
Shavis: Oh ya…I had 4 Viagra pills too
Binky: You sure you didn’t snuff anything either?
Shavis: Actually after you mentioned it yes.
Binky: What was it?
Shavis: Mountain Dew. Then I put on shaving cream. Man’s best friend. But not that Gillette junk. Old Spice for me. Yep.
Binky: Isn’t Old Spice deodorant?
Shavis: It is??? I thought that bar looking thing was a new type of shaving cream
Binky: Nope, it’s deodorant.
Shavis: EWWWWW!!!! But I smell like I had shaved, so I guess that is ok!!!! HA HA!! I AM REBORN!!!
Binky: Uhhhh…………………………….right……..
(Shavis gets up and starts jumping up and down like a ballerina out the door)
Binky: That was weird…Ok the next one we have is…Mavis
(Mavis comes in and sits down)
Mavis: HELLLLOOOO!!!!!
Binky: Hi
Mavis: HELLLLOOOO!!!!!
Binky: SHUT UP
Mavis: I’m sowwie
Binky: What the hell do you do?
Mavis: gee uhhhh…
Binky: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DO???
Mavis: uhhh…I work at fast food restaurant…….I think…
Binky: GET OUT!!!! AAHHHHHH!!!!!!
(Mavis gets up jumps over the chair and the chair falls down and Mavis falls too. Mavis scrambles to his feet and runs)
David: HA HA HA HA! That guy was WEIRD
Binky: Yeah I guess so. Next we have…Dave Bond?
Dave Bond: Yes, that is right
(Dave Bond comes in elegantly and sits down)
(Binky looks at him strangely and examines that he has a suit and a tie on just like James Bond)
Dave Bond: Unlike that phony James Bond, I like it stirred, not shaken. And I say Dave, Dave Bond.
(Binky looks at him stranger then before)
(Dave Bond looks back)
Binky: hmmm……ok so are you done?
(Dave Bond is still looking at him)
Binky: You sure you ain’t gay? Cause if you are you’ll end up like that mess down there
(Dave Bond looks down at it and goes back in his chair with eyes wide open)
Binky (while turning his head to look): Hey, it ain’t that gross
(Binky’s eyes go wide open too)
(on the floor Davehooligan has a fountain of blood coming out of his mouth)
Binky: OHHHH, GGRRRROOOSSSSS
(David walks in with coffee and a doughnut)
David: …get away from me Davis this is my stuff..
(David looks at Davehooligan)
David: WAHA!!!!
(David spills the coffee on Davis and the doughnut lands on the floor)
Davis: AAAAHHHHH!!!! HHHHOOTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GONNA KILL YOU DAVID!!!!!!!!
(Davis goes for his neck and misses then David runs away with Davis behind him)
Davis: YOU AREN’T GETTIN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!
Dave Bond: …..um…ok
Binky: …are you done?
Dave Bond: not really…
Binky: …what else do you wanna say?
Dave Bond: I am a secret agent
Binky: uh…ok are you sure your not gay?
Dave Bond: yes
Binky: ok…your positive?
Dave Bond: YES!
Binky: ok good…too much gay activity going around here ::shivers::
Dave Bond: Ah, yes I see…
(Dave Bond looks down at the floor and looks away in disgust)
Binky: Well….what does a secret agent do?
Dave Bond: secret….stuff
Binky: oh….ok….
(Dave Bond looks at his watch)
Dave Bond: I must go now and do secret….stuff
(Dave Bond gets up and leaves)
Binky: Ok, next we have…Davib and Davik….they’re twins…
(Davib and Davik walk through the door, and raise their hands high in the air)
Davib and Davik: HELLLLLOOO!!!!
Binky: AAHH!!! THESE GUYS ARE GAY!!!
(Binky dives under his desk)
Davib: I’m not gay
Davik: I’m not gay either…though we’re called the gay brothers…
Binky: Uhh….can you go please??? Don’t call us, and we won’t call you!!!
(Davib and Davik go next to the desk and bend down)
Davib and Davik: HEY THERE!!
(Binky looks up)
Binky: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Binky pushes past them, and is crawling on the floor)
Binky (crawling): Get away, get away, get away!!!
(Binky gets up and grabs a sword that is hanging on the wall)
Binky (backing away from Davik and Davib): Don’t make me chop you
(Davik and Davib walk toward him)
Davik: You think-
Davib: that will hurt us?
Binky (looking at them in a weird way): What are you talking about?
(Davik and Davib take out swords from their backs)
Davik: How do you like my sword? Made of 10 feet of titanium alloy steel and I can shoot lasers from it with its laser generator center
Davib: My sword is made of lasers and can cut through anything.
Binky: OH YEAH?? Well my sword is made of…uh…err…umm……
Davik: From the looks of it, it looks like aluminum
Binky: Uh….its a special metal, when I hold it up in the air I can blow anything up, like this….
(Binky holds his sword up in the air and it starts glowing, and a circle of red energy surrounds the top of the sword and makes it’s way down to Binky’s feet)
Davik (squinting looking at the sword): its so bright…
Davib (squinting looking at the sword): its like nothing I’ve ever seen…
Binky: AAHHH!!!!
(Binky points the sword toward Davib and Davik and the circle of red energy around the sword and Binky shoots in a beam toward them)
Davib and Davik: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(the beam hits Davib and Davik, and they get electrocuted then after a minute of being electrocuted they start to glow)
Davib: wha…wha, what’s happening?
(Davib looks at his hand as it starts to melt)
Davik: aahhh…..i’m not melting I’m feeling kinda bad, like a really bad stomach ache….ugghhh….
(Davik blows up)
Davib: DAVIK!!! NOOOO
(Davib’s face starts melting)
Davib (muffled): noooooo
(Binky watches as Davib melts into a puddle)
Binky: whoa, cool
(David runs through the TV station again with Davis close behind him)
David: AAAHHH!!!
Davis: YOU WON’T GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!
Binky: Man, would you stop?
Davis (stops running): ok fine….it wasn’t hot coffee anyway…
David (stops running): it wasn’t???? I GOT RIPPED OFF!!!
DD (looking in through a doorway): Hey when’s my turn?
Binky: Who da hell are you?
DD: My name is Double D. David David.
David: ………you copied me!
DD: no my name is DD, or Double D
David: DAVID DAVID!!! THAT’S MY NAME TWICE!!! THAT MAKES ME MAD!!!!
(David grabs the sword Binky has and shoots a beam at DD)
DD: AAAAHHH!!!!
(DD gets electrocuted, you can see his bones, and he gets reduced to a pile of dust)
David: …..I sorta liked that guy….
Binky: Then why da heck did you just zap him with the sword?
David: uh, cause I felt like it
Binky: Uhhh….are we done with the list?
(Binky looks at the list he has)
Binky: YES!!!! WE ARE!!!!
David (blinks): really?
Binky: yep
Davis: HA HA!!! FINALLY!!!
Daveed: YAY!!!
(everybody just stands where they are for some time, smiling)
Binky (after a while): I’m going…
David: yeah, me too
(everybody gets out of the TV station and the lights go down)
(camera focuses on Davehooligan and Davewooligan)
Davehooligan: Ah, finally, some privacy
Davewooligan: Oh, YES!!!
Davehooligan: But first, lets get outta here. We’ll have our revenge…..someday…heh heh
Davewooligan: Yes, heh heh, I’m horny lets go to your house
Davehooligan: Ok, honey, I’ll give it to you all night
(Davehooligan and Davewooligan walk out of the TV station, holding hands)
(end)
Now top stories with David…
Sports with Davis…
Weather with Daveed…
a few words with Fiddlesticks…
and The Special Guest Corner with Binky
David: Now for the top stories… 1. DBC is going to sue another TV station for taking our material! Its a stupid little station called Matt to the 2nd Power Studios!
Daveed : Rifles… check… rocket launchers… check… grenades… check… timed mines… check… remote mines… check… proximity mines… check…
David: What the heck are you doing????
Daveed: We are going to sue them… right?
David: Yeah…so
Daveed: Suppose they win!!! I ain’t lettin’ them off THAT easy
David: We’re going to SUE them not start a some weird war called TV Station War I. Imagine what ABC, NBC, and CBS will do!
Fiddlesticks: What’s TV Station War I?
(everybody ignores Fiddlesticks)
Daveed: So what!!!! I’m gonna raid their studio with or without you guys!!! F-14…check…tank…check…MiG-25…check…Nuclear bomb… check…missiles…check…Aircraft Carrier…check… Apache Helicopter…check…Cobra Helicopter…check…bazooka…check…oh yeah, I forgot! My squirt gun! Hmm…what else am I missing?
Davis (while Daveed is checking his supplies): Hey!!! It’ll be a great topic for my sports column!!! Speaking of sports…
Now Sports with Davis… Davis: 1. Too bad. Our rivals took all the info away from us!!! So there’s no sports.
David: Oh I almost forgot!!!!! We have a whole NEW cast of members coming!!!! And of course we’ll still be here!!! And they’re coming next episode!!! Here’s the list of people coming, they also have a comment for us!!!
Johnny Bravo: Hey!!! There’s a bunch of teeny weeny bikini girls out there!!! What da hell am I doing here??
Melonhead: Huh?? Wait!!! I didn’t do anything!!! What am I doing here?? I’m just a melonhead, what do you expect from me????
Beep Beep: Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Honk Honk
AAAghhh: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr.Rock: ……………………………………………………….
Garfield: yawwwnn! Ok, now where’s my lasagna? You told me I’d get some if I said something, and I did. At least give me 20 bucks to go to a restaurant or somethin!
Davis (pushing Garfield away): That’s a heck of a lineup!!!!
David: Yeah! But some people won’t be in the show. Like Beep Beep, AAAghhh, and Mr. Rock. We just put them in for the heck of it!!! But these people might make a cameo appearance someday!
(Daveed loads his gun and makes a… well you know how it sounds)
Daveed: OK I’m going down there now, whoever wants to come get some guns and some body armor.
David: Uh oh, we gotta go. When Daveed starts he never stops. Unless his girlfriend tells him to stop. Excuse me did I say girlfriend? I meant X-Girlfriend….
Daveed: I never liked her anyway!!!!!! One day she got on my nerves than I just pulled out a gun and BANG!!!!
Davis: Women… you need’em but you can’t live with them.
David (looking mad at Davis): Shut up
Binky: I ain’t going!!!! I’m doing my part of the show!!!!…
(everyone looks at Binky)
Binky: Oh, what the heck it’s not like I have anybody to interview
Daveed: HA HA! WE GONNA KICK ASS!
(everyone runs out the door)
(gun shots can be heard ringing out in the distance)
(end)
Now Top stories with-
(the announcer guy from DBC gets fizzled out and some letters appear on the black screen)
Matt to the 2nd Power Studios
(Somewhere in the Nevada desert)
Matt: Hello, we are Matt to the 2nd Power Studios. We have hacked DBC’s TV signal and taken it over to bring you this special broadcast from Matt to the 2nd Power Studios.
Matthew: Yes, that’s right! We’re going to have special guests such as, well, uh, no one….yet….our expert kidnappers are out searching for a guest as we speak.
Mat: So, what do we do now?
Matt: Well, we can go out into the blistering hot sun and try to find a tennis court to play basketball on, or we can stay here and watch some porno movies….I got some rare, and very explicit stuff. People that you would never think to do this kind of stuff actually did, and I have it right here.
(they all look at each other)
Everybody: TENNIS COURT!
Mat: Hey, Camera Man, we want you to follow us.
Camera Man: Fine. But I better get a bonus for this.
Matt: Huh? Bonus? Are you talking about money? You mean the stuff we don’t have, right?
Camera Man: I think I’ll stay here and watch the porno movies
(Matthew takes out a gun and points it to him)
Matthew: Now, what were you saying?
Camera Man (looking nervously at the gun): I said I’m gonna watch the porno movies
Matthew: No, you didn’t say that
Camera Man: Yes, I did
(Matthew walks up to him and starts poking him in the gut)
Matthew: No, you didn’t say that
Camera Man: No, I didn’t
Matthew: That’s better. Now come on, lets bring a football so we can find the tennis court to play basketball on.
::outside::
Mat: Damn, its so hot out here…I feel like I’m gonna melt…..
(Mat starts to melt)
Matt: Woah dude! You are melting
Mat (almost half his size from before): burble burble?
Matthew: Excuse me? Did you call me a dirty little prick?
(Matthew takes his gun and shoots Mat)
(The bullet makes a sickening splash into Mat)
Matthew: Ewwwwww!
Matt: Dude, why’d you do that? That bullet cost money!
Matthew: But he called me a-
Matt: I don’t care. That bullet is coming out of your salary
Matthew (thinking for a few seconds): I don’t have a salary
Matt: You don’t, now. I’m taking Mat’s salary because he’s dead, and yours because your being a little bitch and wasting the only bullet we had in that gun!
Camera Man: Ok, good, that’s it, I’m going back in to watch the porno movies
(The camera man turns around and starts to walk to the door, but Matthew clubs him on the back of his head with the gun)
Matt: Ew, now he’s all bleeding and making a mess of our front porch! Man, why’d you have to do that???? Now, his blood is boiling from this heat!
Matthew: Sorry man, he was pissing me off.
Matt: Well, you are pissing me off and I’m not clubbing you on the back with a gun!
Matthew: Well, you don’t even HAVE a gun!
(Matt grabs Matthew’s gun)
Matt: Well, now I do!
(Matthew grabs the gun)
Matthew: Now you don’t
(Matt and Matthew grab at the gun and struggle with it)
Matt: GIVE ME THE GUN NOW!!!
Matthew: NOO!!!
(Matt accidentally fires the gun at Matthew)
Matthew: AH! You shot me, you bastard! Now I’m all bleeding and nasty looking.
Matt: Ah, man, I thought you had only one bullet…..that’s a pretty big boo-boo…
Matthew: Yes, it is
(Matthew collapses and dies)
Matt: DAMMIT!!! Now I’m all alone!
(Matt looks around)
Matt: Ah, screw it
(Matt points the gun to the head and fires)
(nothing happens)
Matt: Damn….well, I guess I’ll go inside and watch the porno movies then.
(Matt heads toward the door then turns back)
Matt (stopping): Oh, wait a second, The Pooheads won against the Peas, and the M & M people died yesterday. And its hot as hell out here for the weather. Ok, buh bye
(Matt goes into the building and the camera fizzles out and explodes because of the heat)
(end)
Matt and Matthew come together to present:
Matt: And Action
News at some number that I forgot.
Matt with news. Matthew with sports. Pamela Lee with Health. And Chelsea with an attitude.
Chelsea: You @###^:;’+! That wasn’t in the script! Oh &$#”L/’.{%4! I shouldn’t have told them what my real name was.
Matt: Well neither was that!
Matthew: It’s the new fight of the century, Matt vs. Chelsea.
Matt: The news is the scandal between Bill Clinton and an old geezer err young geezer. Matthew and I taped the whole thing and boy was that great.
Clinton: Ohh, Yeahhhhh! Is that somethin’. Ohh $^**&%@/+{:”?’.[! There’s a camera in the room.
Woman: Oh, Bill. Come back to bed. Wow! Are your things hairy!
Camera: ZZZShdgfyet7687769;, ! Boom bam see ya! (screen disappears)
Matt: Great footage.
Chelsea: And now me with advice.
Reader: Dear Chelsea. . .
Chelsea: How the heck do you know my name?
Reader: I can’t beat the Cradle level in GoldenEye.
Chelsea: Well first you. . .Wait why the freak am I telling you this! Go buy a Players Guide or subscribe to Nintendo Power.
Pamela: Now for Health. My name is Pamela Lee and I will teach you to have huge yahoos. Matt and Matthew! Quit drooling!
Matt and Matthew: If we do will you let us squeeze ’em?
Pamela: No! @$^) this! I quit!
Matt and Matthew: Can we… (Pamela slaps them) Owwww!
Matthew: Now sports. On MTV the Superbowl was a wrestling match between the Spice Girls and Hanson which was the most annoying band in the world. Unfortunatly, during the middle of the match, Marilyn Manson cut the light rig above the match which injured everyone. The Spice Girls say they want a rematch. In about 20 years when they can fight again. Hanson said the same thing. Now Matt vs. Chelsea. Who will win?
Matt: Owwwwwwwwww! Quit that!
Chelsea: Hiiiiiya!
(fight continues for 3 minutes)
Matt and Chelsea: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
(light rig crashes down)
Marilyn Manson: I strike again! Ha ha!
Chelsea: Missed me!
Matt: Ha ha!
Marilyn Manson: Ahh! (runs away)
(Matt and Chelsea start fighting)
Matt: Forget this! We’ll work things out later!
Chelsea: In bed!
(run away)
Matthew: Cut!
Matthew: Wait a minute! The camera came back to life!
Clinton: davepoobond! Your sister was great last night!
Now top stories with David…
Weather with Daveed…
Sports with Davis…
A few words with Fiddlesticks…
and The Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown.
Now for the top stories… David: 1. A reporter from DBC took a survey on crime in L.A and the best response is, “You IDIOT!!!!! Give me your wallet!!!!! Hey!!!! No pictures!!!!!
Davis: Anybody would do anything for publicity these days.
David: I just happened to have my gun today so lay off!!!
Security System: Red Alert, Red Alert, Security has been breached!!!!
Billy Burnyourhousedown: All right you lousy punks give me all your money!!!!!
David: That’s it I’m pissed off now!!!
(David pulls out his gun and shoots Billy and Billy gets hit with the bullet)
Billy: Aaaghhhh…… am I supposed to die now??
Producer: I don’t care as long as you don’t take my money!!!
David: Hey!!! He’s been holdin’ out on us!!!
Davis: Speak for yourself!! I’m rollin’ in the dough!!!
Binky: Grrrrrr…
Davis: Don’t be growlin’ at me foo’!!!!!!
Willy Burnyourhousedown: Who shot my bro?????
David: Me, you wanna make somethin’ of it??? I just happen to have my assault rifle so you better get your *** outta here, before I load it!!!!!!
Willy: Well, I brought my grenade launcher for just such an occasion.
David: Well, I just happen to have my tank outback in the parking lot.
Willy (with a nervous look on his face): I’m outta here!!! I’ll be back!!!
David (muttering): Not if I can help it.
(David gets up and leaves without anybody knowing)
Davis: Ha Ha!!! Nice bluff David… Hey!!?? Where’d he go?!?
(suddenly a sound of a tank started up)
Daveed: What’s that????
Fiddlesticks: The parentheses said a tank started up.
Willy (from outside): AAAAAAGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SQUISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(a few seconds later David comes in)
David: Well… No more arsonists are going to coming here anymore!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha, well I guess we can go to sports now…
Davis: Now for the sports…1. Yesterday Daveed won the fight against Fiddlesticks. And that’s about it.
Binky: Now for The Special Guest Corner!!!!! We go behind the scenes of DBC to see our director………her name’s Natalya………………
(phone rings)
Natalya: Hello… Bobby, Bobby, Bobby what am I going to do with you?… I can’t believe you did that… No I don’t want to go to bed with you!!… As a matter of fact I already have a boyfriend… You do too?? You gay monster!! I should take you out and beat you… you slug head!!… Good bye Bobby!!!… I don’t care if you have $999,999,999 billion plus tax!!! Wait a minute did you say
$999,999,999 billion plus tax?… OK I’ll stop by tonight.
(she hangs up and phone rings again)
Natalya: Hello… Oh hi Nate!!… Yes I’ll go to bed with you tomorrow, good bye.
(she hangs up and phone rings again)
Natalya: Hello… yes I’m head of The Prostitute service. Next week?? OK
(she hangs up and the phone rings again)
Natalya: This is 1-800-HONEY, what time should I pick you up? 5:00 is fine, see you then
(she hangs up)
David: Hey guys, I’m gonna prank call her.
Daveed: You go girl!!!!!
(phone rings)
Natalya: Hello.
David: Hello Natalya this is Bond, James Bond, you know shaken not stirred.
Natalya: James??? I haven’t talked to you since the Goldeneye thing. How’s everything at Mi6????
David: Oh you know M still thinks I’m a nut who likes fast cars and women, which I do. Q is bugging me with all these new inventions. Moneypenny is bugging me so much I had sex with her so she could shutup!!!
Natalya: Good, Good
Daveed: Hey I got a phone too!!! I’ll call her also!
Natalya: Wait a second I got another call… Hello.
Daveed: Bwoinaz Diaz señorita!!!
Natalya: And bees in disease to you too, you Mexican pervert and I’m tracing this call!!! Hello James… Oh I got another call.
Daveed: Hello Natalya. I am General Akardy Ourmov.
Natalya: Not you!!!
Daveed: Remember what we did in the train a couple years ago??
Natalya: I put that behind me you… you… selfish beast!… Hello James… God, I got another call!!!
Daveed: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past!!!
Natalya: Good for you!!!… Hello James… Man!!! I got another freakin’ call!!!
Daveed: Hell…
Natalya: Shutup!!! I’m on the other line can’t you see???
Daveed: No… I’m blind.
Natalya: Shutup!!!!… Hello James. AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! I got another call!!!!!
Will it ever end James???? Wait a minute!!! Hey!!! That’s my car!!!! Why are you towing it away?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
David: Natalya?? Oh well.
Daveed: It’s -100 degrees Fahrenheit!!! I can just see Natalya out there chasing her car!!!!
David: Yeah!!! And that’s all from DBC!!!!
Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!
Fiddlesticks: I’M EGYPTIAN
Everybody: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!
Fiddlesticks: OK
David: Now is that it????
Davis: No… we gotta sing the Lamb Chop’s Play Along song now!!!!!
Fiddlesticks: I like lamb chops for lunch!!!!!
Producer: You don’t have to sing it.
David: All right!!!! That’s it from…
Producer: You have to sing the Barney song.
Daveed: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
David: That’s it Mr. Producer Man either you give us a raise and for us not to sing I won’t blow your guts out with my rifle!!!!!!!
Producer: You don’t have to sing it!! You don’t have to sing it!! And I’ll give you a 50 cent raise.
David: Now that’s better… and that’s it from DBC!!!!! Finally…
(end)
Now top stories with David…
Sports with Davis…
Weather with Daveed…
A few words with Mr. Whatshisname…
and The Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown!
Now for the top stories……David: 1. The 1st top story today is… that there is no top stories!!!!!! Isn’t that funny??? 2. We have 2 top stories today???? I thought we didn’t have any!!!!
Producer: Why don’t you look at your script?!?!?
David: We have a script???
Daveed: Of course we do you stupid dumbass!!!!!
David: Eh, Shetep
Davis: Shetep…what does that mean??
David: Something you wouldn’t understand dork!!! (note: dork means a whale dick)
Daveed whispering to Davis: Yeah, it’s a nerd mating ritual.
David: I heard that!!!!
Davis: Big whup!!!
David: Eh, go blow it out your ear!!!
Daveed: Why don’t you go blow it out your ass?!!!!!!
Mr. Whatshisname: I’m Egyptian!!!!
Producer: Shut your trap, fiddlesticks!!!!
Mr. Whatshisname: Fiddlesticks… maybe I should change my name to that!!!
Producer: You do that!!!!
Fiddlesticks: Yaaaaaaaay!!!!!
Daveed (mumbling): He’s a little slow.
Binky (mumbling): That’s for sure.
Fiddlesticks: Well, I’m a lot faster than you all are… combined!!!!!!
Davis: Come over here and say that you bitch!!!
Fiddlesticks: Go stick a rubber hose up your nose!!!
Now for the sports…… Davis: Today is the fight of the century!!!! Fiddlesticks vs. Daveed!!!!
Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!!
Davis: Unfortunately we won’t be able to cover it because it’s right after the show in the alley back there, and right after that, me, yours truly, will sock Fiddlesticks a couple of times if he wins or loses, so there is no way around it.
David: I’ll soften him up for you a little bit before you do!!!
Now for the Weather… Daveed: In the U.S.A all temperatures are -999999999999999 or below!!!!!
Fiddlesticks: Gee, that must be chilly.
Daveed: Chilly? Chilly? The temperatures are such at an extreme that no one can live with!!!
David: Not even Santa Clause??
Daveed: Not even Santa!!!
David: Not even Vanilla Ice?? Mr. Freeze???
Daveed: No one!!! Even though Mr. Freeze might think that’s all right…
Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!
Producer: Yeah sure……………
Fiddlesticks: But…
Producer: But my butt!!!
Now for the Special Guest Corner…… Binky: Now we go behind the scenes in the White House in our hidden cameras in the dining room and the limo.
Bill: Hello, honey.
Hillary: Yeah, Whatever!!!
Bill: What’s for dinner???
Hillary: Why don’t you get off your dead ass and get it yourself!!!!
Bill: But…
Hillary: But what!?
Bill: McDonald’s is too crowded!!!
Hillary: Then go to Burger King!!!!!
Bill: Burger King’s hamburgers are ugly with a capital UG!!!!!!!!!
Hillary: GO!!!!!!
Bill: You can’t tell me what to do I’m the President of the United States!!
Hillary: I COULDN’T GIVE A SHIT LESS, NOW GO!!!!!
(Bill walks to the door moaning and goes out the door.)
Hillary: I don’t know why I married that man!!!!!!
Bill (in limo with 10 hookers): Why couldn’t I marry one of you???
Binky: Uh…right. Well that was interesting. We forgot to put on censor parts, but that’s okay!!! Everybody liked it!!!!!!!!
David: This just in Bill Clinton has died of what Hillary Clinton says what Bill would’ve said of Hamburger ugliness with a capital UG!!!!!
Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!
Producer: Let’s see you make a pyramid!!!
(end)
David Broadcasting Company
Now top stories with David
Sports with Davis
Weather with Daveed
a few words from Mr. Whatshisname
Now for the top stories David: Welcome to DBC, this is a new TV station that you’ll grow to love. Now to the important stuff, 1. M n M’s are being cooked in Easy Bake Ovens!! Will this lead to war because the candy isn’t good enough??? Nobody knows and they don’t care! 2. Mice are carrying whole arsenals of guns, grenades, and other weapons!! Are mice planning to have a war??? Nobody knows…and they don’t care!
Daveed: Then what does anybody know and care about?
David: ……………………..Comic Books.
Daveed: That is the most lame answer anyone can give!!!
David: Did you read the one when Spider-Man beat up his mother-in-law? That was cool!!
Daveed: Ya I bet!
Davis: Man, would you 2 losers shut your traps and get on with the show so everyone can see my beautiful face?!?
David and Daveed: SHUT UP!!!!!!
Davis: OK you don. t have to yell at me!!
David: Oh, and did you see the one where the X-Men beat up a piece of poop?? That was SUPER cool!!
Producer: Get on with the stupid show!!!
Mr. Whatshisname: Why can’t I have a real name on T.V?
Producer: Because your name is too hard to pronounce!!
Mr. Whatshisname: Why can’t I have a fake name?
Producer: Because you already have one!!!!
Mr. Whatshisname: But……
Everybody: SHUT UP!!!!!
Mr. Whatshisname: Fine be that way!!!
David: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted…
Davis: Oh, don’t start that again!!
David: People these days are so rude that I got interrupted twice!!
Producer: This just in!! Ratings are skyrocketing because you dumbasses are fighting!! Keep it up!!
Mr.Whatshisname, David, Davis, Daveed: SHUT UP!!!!!!!
(end)