Category Archives: Commercials

Commercials made for SBC.

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Bad Vacation Agency

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Secretary: hello there, I’m Betsy Watson and I work for Bad Vacation Agency. Would you like to have an EXTREMELY bad vacation? Or would you like us to forcefully abduct someone and put them on a bad vacation as well? We have a database that can instantly find your worst vacation, according to these “levels” of badness:

 

Mild

Moderate

Annoying

Obnoxious

Bad

Very Bad

Extremely Bad

Jammed In a Closet

And the kind of vacation that’d be exactly like being stuck in Hiroshima at the time of the atomic bomb exploding on your pale assssssssssss!

 

Secretary: yes, that’s right. So call 1-800-I-or-a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-go-to-hell or just dial 0 and ask for your mom. See you on your worst vacation ever!

 

(secretary waves, and camera focuses out, and you can see people hanging from ropes off the ceilings and chained to the walls)

 

Secretary: no matter what, we’ll STILL have room for you

 

(secretary winks)

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Homeworkaway

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Rubin: Hi kids!

Kids: Hey Rubeasy

Rubin: Don’t you just hate homework? Come on, tell the truth now!

Kids: Yeah, its pointless and stinky

Rubin: Well, now with my new machine called Homeworkaway, you can get rid of your pathetic assignments forever!

Kids: How does it work Rubeasy?

Rubin: Well, you just hire one of my henchmen (for $99.99), and we’ll “erase” your teacher and future homework assignments from your free time!

Kids: YAY!

Rubin: Homeworkaway…solving the problems now for a better future (smile, wink)

Scene fades away as camera pans out from the Homeworkaway association

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Jam Jam Cam

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(a stupid guy is breakdancing)

 

Stupid Guy: haha! Yeah!

 

(Stupid Guy stops, and walks over to the camera)

 

Stupid Guy: wasn’t that stupendous?

 

(Stupid Guy dances)

 

Stupid Guy: Hi, I’m Stupid Guy, and I’m here to tell you about my new invention! Jam jam Cam! Its so cool, it makes you look like you’re dancing, when you really aren’t! And it adds music to it too. Let’s look at the same thing I was doing, but with a regular camera!

 

(it goes to a reg. camera shot, and it has Stupid Guy doing jumping jacks and rolling around on the floor, and running into a wall)

 

Stupid Guy: If you do a lot worse than me, and would like to look good doing something else when you really want it, get this product. Let’s hear some testimonials!

 

Loser: I was doing the robot, but the Jam Jam Cam turned my loser Robot dance into a freak dance with a hot girl I never saw before! It was cool…

 

Woman: I was doing the funky chicken, and the Jam Jam Cam turned it into a Conga line with hot men boning me in my ass!

 

Stupid Guy: wouldn’t you like that to happen to YOU?

 

Loser: Yes, I would!

 

Woman: You can bet on it!

 

Stupid Guy: You heard from real-life customers that we payed to say something good about this product! Why not buy yours today?

 

(Stupid Guy starts dancing)

 

Stupid Guy: you may actually learn how to REALLY dance

 

(Stupid Guy is actually crawling around on the floor in a pink tutu, kicking at the air)

 

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Gay Spray

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(a guy wearing a pink dress gets fucked by another guy on a purple sofa. You can hear n’sync music in the background.)

guy wearing a dress: this is a swingin’ beat, steve!

other guy: yeah, george…I mean Jane.

(They have sex for a few more seconds)

George/Jane: uh oh…

Steve: what is it?

George/Jane: I feel like i’m becoming straight again!

Steve: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

George/Jane: quick! Pass me the Gay Spray!

(George/Jane gets the Gay Spray and he sprays it)

George/Jane: Whew! i’m gay again!

(They both stand up)

Both: Gay Spray! For people who want to be gay, but aren’t! Just one spray of this stuff and you will be gayer then n’sync!

(they have sex some more)

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety

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davepoobond: Hello, my name is davepoobond, and I’m here to tell you about my new product, Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety. This Anti-Anxiety medicine is very easy to take. All you have to do is pick up a box from a pharmacy. You don’t have to have a prescription to take this medicine, since you can’t be legally diagnosed for having anxiety. You know when you have it, and if you have too much to bare, Anti-Anxiety can help you get it down and make you feel better. The Anti-Anxiety medicine is in a powder-form in packets so you can put it in a drink and drink it. They are carefully measured out, and you should not have more than one at a time, but who’s stopping you? After two days of not feeling any better, you can take it again and keep repeating that pattern for up to two weeks. If you don’t feel any better from the anxiety, stop using it, it won’t do any good for you, or don’t we don’t care wink wink. This medicine is FDA approved, so you don’t have to worry about it being bad wink wink.

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

The Jester Guild Union

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Jester: HELLO EVERYONE! ARE YOU A PSYCHOTIC MANIAC OR JUST PLAIN LIKE TO ANNOY PEOPLE CONSTANTLY AND ENJOY IT???? DO U FEEL THAT THERE IS “JUST NO PLACE” FOR YOU? THEN YOU’RE ELIGIBLE TO JOIN THE JESTERS GUILD UNION!

 

Mr.: the who?

 

Jester: THE JESTER GUILD UNION!!!!!!!

 

Mr.: oh, what do u do?

 

Jester: YES! I’M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION! WE GO AROUND AND ANNOY PEOPLE FOR ROYALTY, LIKE THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND AND SHIT! DO YOU KNOW THAT WEENIE, TERRORSAUR?

 

Mr.: uh…..sure…

 

Jester: HIS NAME IS “MR. CHIZEL BOTTOMS!!!!” THATS REALLY HIS GIVEN NAME, BY BIRTH! SO, EVERYBODY CALL HIM THAT! WE’RE SO FUNNY AND STUPID, WE CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT KINDA SHIT! IF YOU ARE A STUPID IDIOT OR A HOBO OUT ON THE STREET, YOU SHOULD JOIN THIS GUILD UNION AND GAIN BENEFITS SUCH AS:

 

Life Insurance – for those “special occasions” that someone will jump out of a tree and shoot you with a shotgun

Dental Insurance – needed for those “special occasions” when people punch you, a lot

Company Car – an Oldsmobile, because Oldsmobiles are annoying, just like you!

And much more!

 

Announcer guy: remember folks! if you’re annoying and/or psychotic, call 1-800-ANNOOYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We’ll protect you from going back to the looney bin, with our ultra special lawyers!

 

(a lawyer dressed up as a clown talking in German, is waving a briefcase)

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Mike Tyson Mean Bean Rotisserie Machine Grill

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Mike Tyson is standing in a kitchen with his rotisserie machine thing in front of him.

Mike Tyson: Hi there people…I saw that Son of a Bitch George Foreman getting rich off that lean mean thingie…so here I am making my new product. It’s my Mean Bean Rotisserie Machine Grill. This thing will cook anything you want. Here’s a loyal customer.

A guy walks over to where Mike Tyson is standing and he looks over to the camera.

Guy: THIS MACHINE GAVE ME THIRD DEGREE BURNS ON MY PENIS! I FUCKIN HATE IT! DON’T BUY I-”

Mike Tyson jumps ontop of the guy as they both fall behind the kitchen counter.

Mike Tyson: GROOAR!!!!!

Guy: AHHHHH

(The squackle technical difficulties screen appears)

The scene comes back to the guy and Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson has blood all over his mouth and a smile on his face. The guy has a chunk of his ear missing and his face is white and he’s scared as hell.

Guy: Oh yeah…I love this machine……..it’s….it’s so great…..I love it…..Oh boy……….thumbs up!….please don’t hurt me!

Mike Tyson kicks the guy in the ass out of the kitchen.

Mike Tyson: Watch as I Rotisserie this piece of meat!

Mike Tyson takes the ear and sticks it in the machine.

(5 Hours later)

Mike Tyson: Ok it’s just about done…no wait it isn;t…

(3 Hours and 34 minutes later)

Mike Tyson is scratching his balls…

Mike Tyson: GET THAT FUCKIN CAMERA OUT OF HERE!

(2 hours and 64 minutes later)

Mike Tyson: Ok it’s done…

Mike Tyson takes the ear out the machine….the ear is burnt and it looks like a pile of ashes. Mike Tyson eats the “ear”

Mike Tyson: Mmmmm so delicious…..I want more!

He looks at the camera and smiles and jumps at the camera.

Mike Tyson: GROAR!!!!!!

(technical difficulties screen flashes…..again……)

Announcer: Call 1-800000- EAR to ORDER!!

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Cliploc Bags

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Cow: moo.

 

(Cow chews some grass)

 

Cow: moo moo moo, moo moo? Moo moo moo moo moo. Moo. Moo moo moo, moo moo

 

(Cow chews some grass again)

 

Cow: moo moo moo moo, moo-

 

Farmer (off screen): Bessy! Are you making commercials again?!?

 

Cow: moo!!!

 

Farmer: Bessy, I told you…

 

(Farmer walks next to the cow)

 

Farmer: now, you have to die

 

Cow: moo!!!!!!!

 

(Farmer stabs the cow with a sword)

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Jack in the Crack

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Jack: hi. I’m Jack. You may wonder why I have a ridiculous plastic ball on my head, and a party hat on top of that. But I’ll tell you something…

 

(Jack walks to the right)

 

Jack: hi, I’m Jack. I have an airplane, and a football team. We make lots of good, quality fast food. As good as fast food will get anyway. But as long as its better than McDonalds, I’d guess it is better quality anyway, even if we took a crap on it. All our food is made with 100% crack cocaine, and we made different types of food with it. Crack Taco Shells, Crack Cheese, Crack Beef, Crack Lettuce, just to name a few.

 

(Jack picks up a crack pipe)

 

Jack: ah, nature’s fruits of labor…and remember, we don’t crack it, ’till you jack-it!”

 

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

One Quart Bucket of Urine

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Announcer: We are offering One Quart Bucket Urine to be Collected and

Shipped to YOU when YOU want it!

Hunters ~ why buy scents that sit on a shelf for months or years when you can buy deer urine collected fresh and shipped to your door within days of your order!

 

Our scents are fresh and 100% natural, the way nature intended! We’ll collect and ship one quart of Buck Urine for YOU when YOU want it.

 

You decide what it’s worth to have fresh scent collected and shipped directly to you when you say!

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

SAddle SAndbags

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Saddy-Back Sandbags: Howdy howdy howdy! I’m Saddy-Back Sandbags, and I own SAddle SAndbags. Believe me when I say this, but Saddleback Sandbags is a completely different company than SAddle SAndbags…just because it is. If you come down to your local hardware store, pick up a bag of our sand or a whole parking lot of them, you can have a lot of sand! There’s unlimited sand in this world, and we take it and bag it and sell it to you. Won’t you buy them? You can prepare for flood, tornados, and other natural disasters, such as politicians coming to speak, Rosie O’ Donnel and to keep your children safe from Michael Jackson, just pile’m on top of them, you can never be too safe from MJ, the king of pop!

 

(end)

Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Squackle! Shop

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The camera is aimed at a street corner and suddenly a guy dressed in a buisness suit walks by the camera and the camera follows him along with an announcer who is off screen.

 

Announcer: “Hello sir!”

 

The guy turns around.

 

Guy: “uh….hey….whats the camera for?”

 

Announcer: “What camera?”

 

Guy: “The camera right infront of you.”

 

A fist flys from off screen and punches the guy…

 

Guy: “OW! WHAT THE HELL?”

 

Announcer: (in a whisper voice) “Your not suppose to look at the camera…”

 

Guy: “oh…..ok?!?

 

Announcer: “Now….ahem…your not exactly dressed to impress are you?”

 

Guy: “Whats that suppose to mean?”

 

Announcer: “Well….to be frank….your clothes are butt ugly…infact I’ll rip them off right now.”

 

Some hands from off screen grab on the guys suit and rip is clothes off.

 

Guy: “THAT WAS IMPORTED FROM ITALY AND COSTED 2000 DOLLARS!”

 

Announcer: “You are sooo materialistic…..now go to the Squackle shop and buy some clothes…the internet address is http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=squackle . I repeat the internet address is http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=squackle . Did I already say http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=squackle ? I don’t think I did. The internet address is http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=squackle . Go there now…Bye.”

 

Guy: “YOUR PAYIN FOR MY VERSACHI ITALIAN SUIT!”

 

Announcer: “Pfft yeah right…”

 

The announcer and camera guy walk off….suddenly the guy jumps on to the announcer and they start fighting. The camera guy takes the camera and bashes it over the guys head which ends the scene.

 

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Poop E. Pizza

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A kid is sitting on his bed in his room staring at the wall. His room is a mess and he looks extremely bored….

 

Kid: “Gosh I’m bored! I’ve already jerked off 12 times in a row, now theres nothing to do.”

 

The mom is heard offscreen.

 

Mom: “CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKEN ROOM!”

 

Kid: “SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’LL CLEAN UP MY ROOM IF YOU BRING ME TO SOME PLACE GOOD.”

 

Mom: “HELL NO! IF YOU CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM I’LL BRING YOU TO A PLACE THATS CHEAP AND CRAPPY.”

 

Suddenly a talking large piece of shit appears in the kids room.

 

Poop: “A-HYUCK! HI THERE!”

 

Kid: “WHAT THE FUCK?”

 

Poop: “Here i’ll help ya clean up your room so we can go to Poop E. Pizza!”

 

Kid: “…..uh ok…whatever.”

 

They run through the room really fast cleaning everything up.

 

Poop: “A-HYUCK! NOW LETS GO TO POOP E. PIZZA!”

 

Suddenly there in Poop E. Pizza and a whole bunch of kids are running around. But they all are sad because the place smells really bad. Also the place is an underground child labor workshop.

 

Kid: “THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE SHIT!”

 

Poop: “A-HYUCK! Of course it does! NOW GET TO WORK!”

 

The piece of shit ties the kid up to a carriage and starts whippin him.

 

Poop: “YOUR ALL DOGS! WORK HARDER!”

 

Mom: “Wow….I’m so glad I brought my child to Poop E. Pizza!”

 

Poop: “A-HYUCK!”

 

The piece of shit throws pizza topped with shit at allthe kids and all the kids are crying while there getting whipped.

 

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Aguafina

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Aguafina Man: hello. Aquafina sucks. You should buy our water instead. Aquafina doesn’t tell you what’s in their drinks. Our water is made of 100% spit. Yes that’s right. Spit. Spit is nutritious. Spit is sterile, and why not just have a bottle of our spit everyday? I’m sure you’ve had enough of the taste of your spit, am I right?

 

(Aguafina Man walks to an Aguafina and an Aquafina)

 

Aguafina Man: believe it or not, they’re made of the same thing. So why buy from those untrustworthy bastards, that promise you nothing, when you can buy from us, an honest, customer loving company that doesn’t sleep in the blood of virgins every night to stay young forever? You decide.

 

(end)

Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Radioactive Carpet

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The Video Professor: Hello, The Video Professor back again from the hospital

 

(The Video Professor waves a bandaged hand)

 

The Video Professor: last time, I was burned silly on the front side of my body with Radiator Carpet. Amazingly, we have sold, to date 13 Radio Carpets and 15 Radiator Carpets. But now, Smart Carpets has a new product that is sure to fly off the shelves! It’s the Radioactive Carpet!

 

(The Video Professor leans against a wall)

 

The Video Professor: have you ever wanted to create your own mutated animals, objects, or even mutate yourself for better or worse? No more not being able to! The Radioactive Carpet takes care of all of that! Just simply rub on this package of Nuclear waste we found in New Jersey, and voila!

 

(The Video Professor pours on some nuclear waste on the carpet and his arms burn off)

 

The Video Professor: uh oh….um….your results may vary. Only $50 for the carpet and $1300 for a 8 oz. can of nuclear waste!

 

(end)