Category Archives: Squackle Broadcasting Company

TV/movie/commercial scripts.

Daves of Our Lives Episode 4

Dave….making the website at Stumpy’s house, is shocked when he hears Stumpy yell out: “OH MY GOD YOUR A MAN!” He runs into the room and he see’s Stumpy looking down and Fred laying naked on the bed. He immediatley see’s that Fred is a girl. Dave: “What are you talkin about? Fred is a girl!” Stumpy: “I wasn’t talkin about Fred! I WAS TALKIN ABOUT ME! SEE MY PENIS! ISN’T IT QUIET LARGE?” Dave: “Uh…..i’m going home….and holding back from killing you. Come on Fred, lets go.” Fred and Dave walk out of Stumpy’s house and walk home. They have hot hoooooot sex all night long. Dave has 20 orgasms that night. The next morning Fred wakes up to find out that Bubba is under the bed unconcious. Fred: “BUBBA! DAVE WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?” Dave: “He bothered me while i was beatin my shit…..and NOBODY bothers me and my penis during the hours of 12:00 AM to 12:00 PM….Eastern Standard time, that is….” Fred: “DAVE! I’M WALKIN OUT EVEN IF THAT WAS THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD! And I’m takin my drunken lover with with me…” Fred carries Bubba and they walk out. As soon as they walk out Dave goes on beatin his shit. The doorbell rings and Dave goes and opens it. It’s Mr. T with a brand new computer! Mr. T: “I pity the fool – ” Dave slams the door on Mr. T’s face right after he takes the computer. He then connects it and logs onto porn to beat his shit.

The Pump Girls Episode 8

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 5

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on Homey)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

Homey

 

(along the way to school)

 

Homey (thinking): oh man, I don’t wanna go to school…what am I thinking? Oh yeah, there’s lots of LSD at school, I forgot…heh, silly me.

 

(KayKay blows bubbles in his face)

 

KayKay: Mr. Homey, why do you like school? I thought you were at lest 23

 

Homey: well, I am. I never graduated though. I got hooked onto LSD…

 

(Homey props his legs up on AshAsh’s head)

 

Homey: And I’ve been riding the SOOOOOOOUL TRAIN ever since

 

KayKay: what’s that?

 

Homey (looks out the window, ignoring KayKay): hey, look at that! a tree!

 

KayKay: you’re mean!

 

Homey: yes, I know

 

AshAsh: get your feet off my head!

 

(AshAsh grabs a handful of Homey’s leg hairs)

 

Homey: owwwwww!

 

Mommy Manager: we’re here!

 

Homey: finally…

 

(The Pump Girls leave, except Homey)

(Homey makes his way out, but Mommy Manager holds him by the shirt)

 

Mommy Manager: listen carefully. If I have to come pick you up for doing something illegal, don’t bother calling!

 

Homey: umm….k

 

(Homey jumps out of the van as it zooms away, rolling on the floor

 

Homey: oh…k…my next class is…Mrs. Stickums…

 

(Homey walks into the school, going to Mrs. Stickums’s room)

(elmoisfurry and davepoobond walks towards the class as well, and see Homey go in the room)

 

davepoobond: the hell? That guy smells..

 

(elmoisfurry shrugs)

(they walk into Mrs. Stickums’s room)

(Homey sits down in Mrs. Stickums’s chair, not knowing its hers)

 

Mrs. Stikcums (screaming): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CHAIR!? GET OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!

 

Homey: ah! Ok!

 

(Homey gets out of the chair, accidentally bumping a rock that has “patience” chiseled in it onto the floor)

 

Mrs. Stickums (sreaming): DON’T TOUCH MY PATIENCE ROCK!!

 

(Homey shrivels up into a fetal position, crying)

 

Homey: leave me alone…

 

Mrs. Stickums: ok, class, today I will teach you about drugs

 

Homey (stops crying): drugs? All riiight!

 

Mrs. Stickums: open your books to page 420 and start reading, while I sit in front of the room eating large amounts of sugary lollipops and making myself evermore the fat bitch, not actually being a teacher

 

Homey: do we get to sample the drugs?

 

Mrs. Stickums (raising her fist): I’ll let you sample a little of this!

 

Homey: what is that?

 

Mrs. Stickums: my fist!

 

Homey: what about it?

 

(Mrs. Stickums punches Homey, and he flies through the roof, landing on the roof)

 

Homey: owww…that fat bitch…

 

(Homey gets dizzy and passes out)

(Homey wakes up a little later, next to a naked person)

 

Homey: AH! YUCK!

 

(Homey grabs the person and tosses her off, into a crowd of people. The crowd of people look up after a few minutes)

 

Crowd of people: murderer!

 

Homey: ah crap.

 

(next thing Homey knew, he was in jail)

(25 people are sitting around lifting waits and junk)

 

Homey: hey, how’s it going? Where is this?

 

Tiny: this is the Golden State Penitentiary, and its Story Time. So you better tell us a pretty good friggin story if you wanna stay alive

 

(Homey tells the story of the day)

(after Homey tells his story, everyone is crying)

 

Tiny: did she REALLY tear off all that leg hair?

 

Homey: yeah, look!

 

(Homey points to a bald spot on his leg)

 

Tiny: man, if I ever see her, I’m gonna kill her)

 

(AshAsh is thrown into the same cell as them)

 

Homey: the hell? Yo boys, AshAsh is here, remember, its her?

 

Tiny: oh yeah. Lets kill her!

 

(25 people run at AshAsh, punching her into the ground endlessly and kicking her too)

(Homey just watches)

(Homey checks his pockets, and gets a little eye dropper out, waving it around)

 

Homey: hey guys, lets have an LSD party!

 

25 people: yeah!

 

(just then, a guard smacks Homey in the head with a nightstick, knocking him out)

(end)

The Pump Girls Episode 7

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 4

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on FartFart)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

FartFart

 

Mommy Manager: bye, Fart Fart

 

FartFart: ::fart:: bye!

 

(PeePee and PooPoo come along and walk around with FartFart)

 

PeePee: ::pee:: Hey, FartFart

 

FartFart: ::fart:: hi

 

PooPoo: ::poop:: what’s going on?

 

FartFart: ::fart:: nothin’ much

 

PooPoo: ::poop:: oh, that’s nice. Wanna do something cool?

 

FartFart: ::fart:: oh…k…

 

PeePee: ::pee:: fart the biggest fart ever and aim yourself at the gym

 

FartFart: ::fart:: ok!

 

(FartFart aims herself towards the gym and farts really loudly, propelling her into the air, flying towards the gym)

 

FartFart: wow! I’m flyingggg

 

(FartFart smacks into the gym’s wall and it collapses, with FartFart in the middle of the destruction)

(FartFart faints after she gives off another huge fart)

(end)

The Pump Girls Episode 6

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 3

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on KayKay)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

KayKay

 

Mommy Manager: have a good-

 

KayKay (ripping off her clothes): FREEEEEEEDOOMMM!!

 

(KayKay runs into the school)

 

KayKay (thinking): they have some nice broom sticks in the Janitor’s Closet

 

(KayKay runs into the Janitor’s closet)

(Whoa, Crow, Foe, Moe, and Joe come in, too)

 

KayKay: what are you guys doing here?

 

Crow: umm…we wanna play “Get drunks so we can…do stuff” with you…

 

Joe: that’s it

 

KayKay: ok

 

(Foe hands KayKay a crack pipe and a bottle of LSD)

 

Foe: drink up

 

(KayKay gets “drunk” and falls over, seeing many hallucinations. She becomes delirious and doesn’t know what is happening any more)

(she stays like that until she goes back to the hospital)

(end)

The Pump Girls Episode 5

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 2

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on JayJay)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

JayJay

 

(JayJay walks towards the playground, she wants to play Dodge ball)

 

JayJay: hey, Guys! Can I play dodge ball too?

 

Guys: ok! DODGE!

 

(Guys throws the ball right at Jay Jay’s head)

(the ball hits her head, and she goes unconscious)

(when she wakes up, she’s naked, and on top of the school’s roof)

 

JayJay: AAAH!

 

(as JayJay was screaming, a big bird shit, and it fell into her mouth)

 

JayJay: ewww!

 

(JayJay tries to spit out what she can, but she swallowed the whole thing)

 

Homey: shut up!

 

(Homey grabs JayJay and lodges her off the roof, into a crowd of people, and she lands on the ground, hard)

 

JayJay: ouch…

 

crowd of people: ewwwwww!!

 

(the crowd of people start kicking JayJay, and she gets a concussion)

(end)

The Pump Girls Episode 4

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 1

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on AshAsh)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

AshAsh

 

Mommy Manager: ok, AshAsh. Have a nice first day at school!

 

AshAsh: ok..::thinking:: boy it’ll be nice to hang around my REAL friends for a change…

 

(AshAsh walks toward the school)

(inside)

 

Joe: whoa! Crow? Foe? Moe!

 

Whoa: yehh babyy…back to school man! Yeeeehaw!

 

Moe: hey look over there!

 

(Moe points to AshAsh, entering the building)

 

Foe: that’s one of them Pump Girls ain’t it?

 

Moe: you bet your pants it is!

 

Joe: lets rape her!

 

Moe: nah man…that’s for the last day of school

 

Joe: oh yeah…

 

(Joe, Crow, Foe, Whoa and Moe go over to AshAsh, surrounding her so she can’t get away)

 

AshAsh: uhh…hey, guys…what’s…happening? ::thinking: gawd, I can’t believe I’m talking to the hottest guys in the school

 

Joe: we were wondering…

 

(KayKay all of a sudden runs by them, naked)

 

Moe: Whoa! What the hell? Look at that!

 

Whoa: Aaaah! Let’s go!

 

(Joe, Crow, Moe, Whoa and Foe chase after KayKay. She is giggling in a really high pitched voice and runs into a janitor’s closet)

(AshAsh sighs, and goes to her class)

 

Ms. E: hello, class, welcome to Algebra 1. Today is your first day of school!

 

(the class boos)

 

Ms. E: that’s why we’re having the test on Chapter 12, in 3 minutes. You have 3 minutes to figure out all the algebraic equations in the book!

 

(AshAsh just stares at the teacher)

 

Ms. E: What are YOU looking at Little Miss Missy. Get to work!!

 

AshAsh: My name is-

 

Ms. E: What did I tell you, Little Miss Missy? GO TO WORK OR YOU GO TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!!

 

AshAsh: uhh

 

(suddenly a huge explosion occurs, and the gym collapses)

 

Class: whoa!

 

(the whole class rushes up to the window, looking at the gym)

 

Moné: wow! The gym blew up!

 

AshAsh: umm…yeah…

 

Ms. E: ok, back to class everyone

 

(a big fart is let loose from the gym)

(sirens are heard as they near the school’s gym)

 

Ms. E: CLASS! Since the gym blew up and you are all traumatized, I suppose we won’t have the test today. Oh, look at that. School is almost over. Goodbye everyone

 

(everyone leaves the classroom as the bell rings)

(Moné grabs AshAsh’s ass and winks at her, walking away. Moné is a girl)

 

AshAsh: ……..

 

(AshAsh walks out of the school and back to the hospital)

(a parole officer stops AshAsh)

 

Parole officer: What do you think you are doing? Its 2.37 seconds before school ends, what are you doing? Skipping class? That’s it Little Miss Missy, you’re going to jail!

 

(the Parole officer grabs AshAsh and shoves her into a police car)

 

AshAsh: ahhh!

 

(in prison)

 

Homey: the hell? Yo boys, AshAsh is here, remember, its her?

 

Tiny: oh yeah. Lets kill her!

 

(25 people run at AshAsh, punching her into the ground endlessly and kicking her too)

(Homey just watches)

(fade out, AshAsh goes unconcious)

(end)

Daves of Our Lives Episode 3

Dave, tradegically strucken by his computer accident, goes to his local porn shop and talks with his all time best friend: Mr. T. Dave: “My computer busted while I was beatin my shit…” Mr. T: “I pity the foo who messed up your computer…i’m gonna beat his head into a telephone so he can finally dial 1-800-collect.” Dave: “…uh…yeah whatever.” Mr. T: “shut up foo!” Mr. T bitchslaps Dave. Dave wrestles Mr. T and Dave beats him up. He then walks back to his house and sits down on his couch and beats his shit. The phone rings and he picks it up. It’s Dave’s best friend, Stumpy. Stumpy: “Hey…I heard about your computer thing…come on over and use mine…” Dave runs over to Stumpy’s house. He enters the house and he walks to Stumpy’s room. Stumpy: “Hey sup…go ahead and set up SUQUAKLE on my computer. I’m just going to have hot sex with your former Girlfriend Fred in the other room.” Dave: “Well i was just gonna look at porn to beat my shit to.” Stumpy: “Dude…don’t you beat your shit enough? It’s gonna fall off the way your goin at it…” Dave: “Yeah alright…i’ll set up SUQUAKLE.” Stumpy goes into another room with Fred and they start having sex n stuff while Dave is making the SUQUAKLE web page. Suddenly Stumpy screams about half way through the love making: “YOUR A MAN!!!!!!!”

Daves of Our Lives Episode 2

The scene starts off with Dave, sitting at his computer with his hands down his pants and his hot latin girlfriend talking to him behind him. She calls to him: “Dave…have you updated the SUQUAKLE website? If you have…you get a big fat sloppy kiss…” Dave replies: “No i’ve been too busy beatin my shit to porn….” The latin girlfriend named fred starts crying and sobbing: “DAVE!!!!!! WHAT HAS BECOME OF YOU!!! DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE WEB PAGE ANYMORE?” Dave continues to whack off…. Fred cries even harder: “THATS IT! IF YOU CAN’T RESPECT SUQUAKLE THEN I’M WALKIN OUT ON YOU!!!!!” Dave says: “BYE!” Fred walks out and slams the door…silence is heard throughout the house except for dave beatin his shit. Suddenly, Sam, Fred’s lover…bursts into the room…Sam: “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAH GIRL!” Dave jumps up and says: “She’s a slut!” They both start wrestling and Dave throws Sam at the computer and Sam gets a concussion… The computer breaks and Dave falls to the ground, covering his eyes and then looks at the ceiling and cries: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Then he starts sobbing.

Daves of Our Lives Episode 1

Dave…an average pornoholic like you and me….makes a web page called SUQAUKLE (due to law suits we cannot use the actual name of the web site). This all seems nice and good for Dave….He’s got a web site and some porn to beat his shit to. But what dave does not know is the tensions between choosing which one is better (porn or SUQAUKLE) have begun.

Gary’s Tux n’ Shit

(a man, Gary, is sitting cross legged in a chair)

 

Gary: you’re gonna love the way you look in one of my suits. Each suit is personally tailored by me or one of my thousands of other employees if you’re not making an annual income of over 3 million dollars, or offering sexual pleasure for free for me. Let’s see some of the tuxedos you can get!

 

(cuts to men in tuxedos walking out in a model show, with flashing lights and people taking pictures for about 2 minutes. It gets really boring because you can’t really tell any difference between the suits, then a fat man in a pink suit walks out, and everyone stops, and you can hear “whaa?” from everybody)

 

Fat Man in Pink Suit (in a gay voice): hey guys! The directions you gave me were wrong! I had to give a few BJs to get some information on how to get here.

 

(cuts to Gary in the corner of the room)

 

Gary: Larry! Go away! You’re ruining my commercial!

 

Larry: hi Gary!

 

(Larry waves gay-like at Gary, not listening to what he said)

 

Security Guard: HEY FOOL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

 

(Security Guard walks over to Larry and puts his hands to his hips)

 

Larry: don’t be so silly, I’m the star of the show!

 

(Larry pets the Security Guards chest, also gayly)

 

Security Guard: ok, that’s it! Self defense!

 

(Security Guard pulls out his nightstick and clocks Larry in the chin)

 

Larry (on the floor): ow! My chin! I use that for oral sex!

 

Security Guard: shut up!

 

(Security Guard takes out a handgun and shoots Larry full of lead)

(cuts back to Gary in the room with him sitting on a chair. He has an amazed look on his face and blinks a few times. He looks back at the camera and then smiles like nothing happened)

 

Gary: so remember, come on down to Gary’s Tux n’ Shit. If you’re wondering about the “shit” part, we sell lots of accessories for your tuxedo, as well as shit! If we didn’t we’d be sued for false advertising…

 

(Gary gets up and walks away)

(fade out)

(end)

Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo

Cast:

Old Guy – Jerry Seinfeld

Lick My Balls – Mike Tyson

Ming – Cameron Diaz

Master Tea – Mr. T

Mrs. Pa – Jim Carrey

Fan – Marilyn Manson

Low – Macauly Culkin

Governor Pu – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Green Fox – Roseanne

Guard 1 – Michael J. Fox

Guard 2 – John Goodman

Naked Guy – Charlie Sheen

Governor Pu’s Wife – Tom Cruise

Officer – Mike Myers

Officer’s daughter – Tom Hanks

Master Bo – Ben Stein


Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo(a bird is flying overhead)

(the bird poops, and falls down on the bald head of an old guy)

(the guy doesn’t know about it because he was smoking some weed in his pipe)

Old Guy: Wow! Lick My Balls is here!

(scene change to an old lady running through a Dance studio)

Mrs. Pa: Lick My Balls is here! Lick My Balls is here! I must set up his room!

Ming (sees Mrs. Pa running past): Lick My Balls? He’s here?

(Lick My Balls walks into the Dance Studio)

Lick My Balls: hello, Ming

Ming: oooh! Lick My Balls, whatever are you doing here? I thought you were training at Wudan Dance Studio!

Lick My Balls: Yes, well, a funny thing happened. While I was riverdancing, I fell into a dark cave. It smelled really bad, so I tried to get out of it with all the dance steps I had! But I could not get out! My master never told me of such a place, nor how to get out of one

Ming: and then?

Lick My Balls: I clapped my heels together with my sparkly red shoes and did a Russian Dance, then I was suddenly here, in this place thingy where you live.

Ming: You could not have come at a worst time. I have to ship some dirty hay to Pecking.

Lick My Balls: Pecking…I want you to do something for me…I want you to take the Red Destiny shoes and give them to Master Tea

(Ming is astonished)

Ming: Why would you ever do that? You deserve the Red Destiny shoes. You and them are one, and such.

Lick My Balls: the Red Destiny shoes have killed too many on my feet, to keep its red color…I cannot use them because I have retired from being a Dancer.

Ming: oh…why don’t you give it to him yourself?

Lick My Balls: I cannot. I have…other business to do

(Lick My Balls puts a shoe box onto the table near them, opening it up)

Lick My Balls: they’re pretty, eh?

Ming: yes. If you can, come to Pecking

Lick My Balls (thinking for a second): ok, I suppose

(next day)

(Ming and Old Guy roll up their wagon to the gates of Pecking, the guards forcing them to stop)

Guard 1: May I see your license and registration, please?

Ming: ok

(Ming give them to Guard 1)

(Guard 2 sees a naked guy running up to him and he whacks him in the face with his nightstick, continuing to beat him down into the dirt)

Guard 1: ok, you’re cleared

(Guard 1 gives back Ming’s things and helps Guard 2 beat down the naked guy)

Guard 2: WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK!?

Naked Guy: Because, I love your sexual massages

Guard 1: nasty

(Guard 2 chucks a rock at the Naked Guy’s head)

(Naked Guy gets a concussion, and bleeds to death)

Guard 1: that’ll teach him…

(fade out)

(fade in, Ming is in Master Tea’s room)

(Ming puts the shoe box with the Red Destiny shoes on the table)

Ming: Lick My Balls presents you with these shoes, for he no longer can have them in his possession

Master Tea: such a greater dancer he is, Lick My Balls, for I cannot accept these shoes he tries to give me, for these shoes belong to him and he looks mighty sexy in them as well

(Ming doesn’t understand what he said)

Ming: Lick My Balls is going through a very hard time now, and you would take much anguish off his shoulders if you accepted it…

Master Tea: I know not what anguish is for I am just Master Tea, but it must be a bad thing so I will accept the Red Destiny shoes shoes and (shouting) PUT IT ON TOP OF THIS NICE TABLE! I HOPE NO ONE STEALS IT!

(Master Tea and Ming stay silent for a while not saying anything)

Master Tea: ….right, I’ll show you around

(Master Tea and Ming walk around until they come back to the room with the Red Destiny shoes in it)

(Fan is right in front of the Red Destiny shoebox, starting at it like a dumb bitch)

Master Tea: hey! Who the hell are you?

Fan: I am Governor Pu’s daughter, Fan

Master Tea: oh. Sorry. uhh…..bye

(Master Tea runs away)

Fan: what is your name?

Ming: my name is-

(Ming all of a sudden gets his by a doughnut)

Ming: ow! Who threw that!!?

(Ming rubs her head, where she got hit by the doughnut)

Ming: my name is Ming

Fan: oooh. Are you a dancer?

Ming: yes

Fan: do you know Lick My Balls?

Ming: yes, I’ll show you his famous Red Destiny shoes if you like

Fan: oh yes, I’d like that very much!

(the scene switches to Ming taking out the Red Destiny shoes)

Ming: its sparkling red color tells everyone its been made 500 years ago, crafted under gifted zookeepers with a special material, possibly made by the God of Special Materials. Sparkle sparkle!

Fan (amazed at the sight of the shoes): Lick My Balls’s Red Destiny shoes…he’s actually worn them?

Ming: ……..yes

Fan: I’m getting married to a man named Pou. Wish I weren’t though

Ming: oh

Fan: I must go, for some reason. I hear my parents calling

(Fan skips away)

(at night, in Fan’s room)

(Green Fox walks in, but you don’t know its Green Fox)

(Green Fox starts to make up Fan’s hair)

Green Fox: I saw you talking with that dancer, Ming. Your mother would not appreciate knowing you were conversing with her

Fan: I’ll talk with whomever I want. I’m tired, leave now or I’ll kick your fat ass

Green Fox: harsh words from a harsh man

Fan: I’m not a man!

(Green Fox leaves)

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Master Tea and Governor Pu are in the room with the Red Destiny shoes)

Master Tea: those are the Red Destiny shoes worn by Lick My Balls!

Governor Pu: wow!

(Governor Pu puts them on and pot gets smashed)

Governor Pu: Whoops

(Master Tea smacks his head)

(fade out)

(fade in, at night, with a ninja running across the courtyard where the Red Destiny shoes are)

(quietly, the ninja comes in through the window, taking the Red Destiny shoes out of it, putting them on)

(the ninja leaves the same way, quietly, but a sparkle from the Red Destiny shoes reflects into the eye of Master Bo)

(Master Bo looks at where the sparkle was and sees the ninja. He starts yelling)

Master Bo: Thief! Thief! He has the Red Destiny shoes!!

Ninja: shit

(the Ninja jumps off the ground, dancing through the air and flying to the top of the house)

Ninja: hyaaa!

(the Ninja runs across the roofs of the buildings, jumping from one to the next)

Ming: where did he go?

(Ming sees something fly with red on its feet)

(Ming chases after the Ninja dancing up the wall)

Ming: halt!

(Ming points to the air and she flies into it, jumping right in front of the ninja)

Ming (holding the Ninja’s shoulder): return the Red Destiny shoes, and you will go unharmed

Ninja: don’t bet on it, bitch

(the Ninja kicks Ming in the shin with one of the Red Destiny shoes, and Ming flies 3 buildings away, whacking into a chimney)

Ming: stop! You won’t get away!

Ninja (yelling): yes I will!

(Ninja starts tap dancing really really fast in place, then in a red streak, zooms past 15 more buildings)

Ming: whoa

(Ming boosts off the chimney, flying in a straight line, tackling Ninja to the ground)

Ninja: ah! You biiitch!

(Ninja jumps out from under Ming)

Ninja: yaaah!

(Ninja jumps into the air, landing on Ming’s forehead and dancing on it)

Ming: aaaaiiyyyeeeeeee!

Ninja: die!

(Ming grabs the Ninja’s legs, and slams her down to the ground)

(the Ninja gets up and runs away, dancing up a wall, trying to get away)

Ming: come back and fight!

(Ming runs to the wall, running up it, chasing after the ninja, along the wall)

Ninja (in a squirrelly voice): You may be quick, but you can’t catch meeee! Heeeeheeheeeheeeheee!

Ming: what! I kill you!

(Ming jumps off, grabbing Ninja around the neck, slamming her into the floor)

(Ninja jumps up, grabbing Ming’s head and slamming it on the floor)

(Ming is unconscious for 2 seconds, but sees Ninja jumping over a building)

Ming (slamming her fist on the ground): dammit!

(next day)

Master Tea: Ming, someone is here to see you

Ming: oh

(Ming looks around and sees Lick My Balls)

Ming: Lick My Balls is here!

(at a table)

Ming: Lick My Balls, the Red Destiny shoes have been stolen

Lick My Balls: really?

Ming: I think I know who it is

Lick My Balls: who?

Ming: Fan, Governor Pu’s daughter

Lick My Balls: oh…

Ming: I’ll take care of it

(fade out)

(fade in)

Ming: thank you for having me, Mrs. Pu

Mrs. Pu: ohohohoh! You’re welcome! I just hope we find the thief soon

Ming: ok

(Ming throws her tea at Fan, but Fan catches it, not spilling a drop)

(Ming gets hit by a doughnut)

Ming: ow! Whoever stole the Red Destiny shoes should put them back, and they won’t get hurt

(at night)

(the Ninja comes back, jumping in the same window, slowly taking off the Red Destiny shoes, and putting them in the box)

Lick My Balls: what are you dong up so late? Shining shoes?

Ninja: shit!

(the Ninja tries to escape, but Lick My Balls grabs the Ninja and throws her down to the floor)

Lick My Balls: who are you?

Ninja: Lick my balls, Lick My Balls!

Lick My Balls: why’d you call my name twice?

Ninja: I didn’t!

(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls in the balls)

Lick My Balls (grabbing his balls): AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!

(Ninja runs away as Lick My Balls goes unconscious)

Ninja: haha I lost him!

Lick My Balls: no you didn’t!

(Lick My Balls runs up and kicks Ninja in the back)

Ninja: aaah!

Lick My Balls: lucky for me, I have no balls!

(Ninja faces Lick My Balls)

Lick My Balls: You dance and fight well. I would like to teach you

Ninja: you’re a fag! No way!

(Lick My Balls gets a stick and whacks Ninja with it)

Ninja: aah!

Lick My Balls: call my name! Say I’m your daddy!

Ninja: never!

(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)

Lick My Balls: say it!

Ninja: Lick My Ass!

Lick My Balls: that’s not it!

(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)

Ninja: go away!

(Ninja jumps up over a wall and disappears)

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Master Bo is looking through a window and sees a guy with metal thingys, and a girl with a knife. He gets an astonished face)

(late at night)

(Master Bo sneaks into the house and looks at a bunch of papers)

Officer: hey! What are you doing?? Stop looking at my porn stories!

(Officer grabs Master Bo, putting a knife to his neck)

Master Bo: no, no! Don’t kill me! I’m a fan!

(next morning)

Officer’s daughter: soup’s ready!

Master Bo: yay!

(Officer’s daughter punches Master Bo)

Officer’s daughter: dad gets first pick!

(all of a sudden a dart flies in, but officer catches it with his spoon)

Officer’s daughter: waz zat??

(Officer unravels the note on the dart)

Officer (reading off the note): meet me by the Port-a-Potties

(Officer crumples up the paper and smiles)

Officer: we’ve got her!

(later, at the Port-a-Potties)

Green Fox: hiyaa!

(they all fight)

Officer: hiyaa! Yaaa!

Master Bo: oooh! Ooh! Ya ya!

Officer’s daughter: whooooo! Whoo! Dodge! Jump!

(Officer tosses one of his Ball Choppers at Green Fox, but Green Fox grabs it, then throws it back at Officer, chopping off his balls)

Officer: my balls!

(Officer dies)

Officer’s daughter: Father! Nooooo!

(Officer’s daughter charges at Green Fox with her Ass Rammer, but misses)

(Ninja comes down, with the Red Destiny shoes on)

Ninja: hiyaa!

(Ninja makes her way over to their fighting, but Lick My Balls flies down in front of her)

Lick My Balls: call me your daddy!

(Lick My Balls whacks her with a stick, again)

Ninja: I’m gonna kick your little bitch ass!

(Lick My Balls and Ninja start having a dancing contest)

(Lick My Balls riverdances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Riverdance!

(Ninja Ninja dances)

Ninja: ha! Ninja dance!

(Lick My Balls tap dances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Tap dance!

(Ninja doesn’t move)

Ninja: ha! Dead Dance!

(Lick My Balls breakdances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Breakdance!

(Ninja square dances)

Ninja: ha! Square dance!

(Lick My Balls waltzes)

Lick My Balls: ha! Waltz!

(Ninja freestyles)

Ninja: ha! Freestyle!

(Lick My Balls tangos)

Lick My Balls: ha! Tango!

(Ninja polkas)

Ninja: ha! Polka!

Lick My Balls: ew!

Ninja: what?

Lick My Balls: ha! Ew Dance!

(Lick My Balls honks Ninja’s nose, then breaks her arm)

Ninja: aaah! My arm!!!!!!

(Ninja Macarenas)

Ninja: I win! I did the Macarena!

Lick My Balls: BITCH!

(Lick My Balls bitchslaps Ninja)

(Ninja bitchslaps back)

(they bitchslap each other over and over)

Ninja: die!

(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls’s head and runs away with Green Fox, waving a streamer behind them)

Green Fox: whee! This isn’t over, Lick My Balls!!

(next day)

(Officer is lying on the ground, in front of Master Tea)

Master Tea: who was this?

Officer’s daughter: he is my father…he was an officer for the police

Master Tea: oh. Bury him. Master Bo, guard officer’s daughter

(Master Tea winks)

Master Bo: ok!

Ming: we can only wait now…

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Green Fox is in Fan’s room)

Fan: you killed a police officer today! What did you think you were doing!!??

Green Fox: I was thinking about killing the police officer

Fan: now, the whole police force will come!

Green Fox: like I give a crap?

Fan: you would!

Green Fox: would what?

Fan: give a crap!

Green Fox: you want me to give you a crap?

Fan: go awayyyyy!!!

(Fan pushes Green Fox out the door)

(later)

(Low sneaks into Fan’s room)

Low (whispering): Fan? Fan?

Fan (jumping out of bed): Low! What are you doing here!?

(Fan runs to Low, hugging him)

Low: I want to take you away from here, to the desert!

Fan: ….

(wavy lines)

Man: this is the drug induces flashback of Fan

(wavy lines stop, and Fan is lying down on a donkey in the middle of the desert)

(a man next to her is walking with his hands)

Girl: the circus is coming! The circus is-

(the man walking on his hands shoots the girl)

Man on his hands: we’re not the circus! We’re the people that have come for your bagel juice!

Girl: oh noooooo! Don’t take our bagel juice away! Anything but that!

(Girl dies)

Man on his hands: ahahahahaha!

Man on pogo stick: oh NO! Its DARK POOP!!!!!

(everyone spreads out)

everyone: Dark Poop! Dark Poop!

Low: Dark Poop! ATTACK!! Don’t hurt the women, children, and gay men!!!

(5 people attack the crowd of 200 men with Fan)

Man on pogo stick: Dark Poop!!!! Get ready!

(in one second, 190 of the men die)

(Low comes over to Fan, taking her panties and smells them)

Low: mmh…smells pretty

Fan: MY PANTIES!!! GIVE THEM BAAAAAACCCK!!!

Low: come and get me!

(Low smacks his donkay’s ass rides away fast)

Fan: Donkey! Hurry!

(Fan slaps the Donkey’s ass)

Donkey: oh yeah! Harder baby, harder!

(Fan smacks it harder, and they speed after Low on his Donkay)

(they chase Low around for 3 weeks)

(they end up by a “river”)

Low: your donkey is thirsty, there is a river near here

(Low looks around)

Low: well, there was a river…

(Low throws a cow stomach full of water at Fan)

Fan: ew, you bastard, you expect me to drink out of this?

(Fan drinks the whole thing)

Fan: sick bastard

(Fan throws the stomach back at him, dropkicking him as soon as Low caught it)

Low: ow!

Fan: give. Panties. Now!

Low: no!

(they chase each other around for another 3 weeks)

(Low and Fan roll down a hill)

(Low and Fan skip back up the hill, holding hands)

Man: Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pale of water-

(Fan takes Low’s bucket slamming it on his hand, tossing him down the hill again)

Man: Jill slammed the bucket on his head, sent him rolling down and Jill came jumping down…on top of Jack….?

(Man shoots himself in the head)

(fade out)

(fade in, at a cave)

(Fan is tied up at the wrists and feet)

Low: careful, if I would have wanted to do it, I’d have done it- which I did!

Fan: ew! You bastard! Where’s my panties?

Low: I ate them

Fan: nooooooooooooooo! MY peanut-butter flavored edible panties! I was gonna eat them for dinner!

Low: aw, poor baby. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(blah blah blah. Low and Fan have sex 300 times in the cave, and 300 times on the same rock outside)

(wavy lines)

(for some reason, they are in a green Mountain Valley, and Low and Fan are looking at a mountain)

Low: see that mountain over there?

(Low points in the general direction of about a hundred mountains)

Fan: yes

Low: they say that if you jump off it, and make a wish, it will come true, but *you* won’t come back…

Fan: oh

(wavy lines)

(Low and Fan have sex 300 times in a tent)

(wavy lines)

(wavy fade in to present)

Fan: no, I can’t I’m getting married

Low: to who?

Fan: a man named Pou

Low: I kill him!

Fan: no! leave, now! I never want to see you again!

(Low brings out a little baggie)

Low: here’s your edible panties

(Low empties the thrown up panties in Fan’s hand, and leaves)

(crying, Fan eats it)

(fade out)

(fade in, at a parade to Fan’s wedding)

(Ming and Lick My Balls are overlooking the area just in case Green Fox appears)

(since this is really boring, she does, spitting popsicle sticks out of a pipe. Lots and lots)

(Lick My Balls whacks them all out of the air with his stick, but one gets in his nose)

(Everyone dies, count on a sequel)

(end)

Cheerleader Outlet

Woman Announcer: Cheerleader Outlet – the world’s GREATEST Cheerleader store!

 

(products of all types zoom up to the screen, and a crappy “explosion” kind of drawing behind each thing. Behind the product, you can see “the store” with people “shopping”)

(for each thing that comes up, someone names it)

 

Cheerleader Pam: Skirts! Pom Poms! Glitter! Sweaters! T-Shirts! Glitter! Lube! Condoms! Glitter! We’ve got it ALL here!

 

(scene cuts to a hot cheerleader, Cheerleader Pam, walking down an aisle of t-shirts, sweaters, skirts, and sweatpants)

 

Cheerleader Pam: Cheerleader Outlet is THE place to get your cheerleader-needs! Forget those ridiculously expensive magazines selling USED clothes! We get our clothes directly from the factory!

 

(Cheerleader Pam picks up a pair of socks)

 

Cheerleader Pam: look at these socks! They’re striped at the top! ONLY $120 EACH sock! And its new! That’s the same price for a used sock from a magazine!

 

(scene cuts to Cheerleader Pam in a room with Pom Poms hanging off the ceiling from strings)

 

Cheerleader Pam: we have the largest amount of Pom Poms in one room in the world! We have EVERY color combination and in all sizes! We also have flags for you flaggies out there!

 

(Cheerleaders come out of nowhere, grabbing Pom Poms and flags and get in formation behind Cheerleader Pam. They all do their cheerleading shit for a minute and end up in a pose with all their asses pointing to the camera)

 

Cheerleader Pam: its extravagant!

 

(cuts to Cheerleader Pam walking down the accessories aisle)

 

Cheerleader Pam: now, we all know that the clothes and the moves only makes you two fourths of a cheerleader. If you want to be a genuine cheerleader, you need some accessories! Like:

 

(with each thing she says, she grabs it out of the shelves and puts it in her arms)

 

Cheerleader Pam: Glitter….deoderant…little handbags, lipstick, lip gloss, eye shadow, other expensive makeup in a little bag, candy necklaces, and you can’t forget the lube and condoms!

 

(she winks)

(scene cuts to another section of the store, where sirens and guns are on display)

 

Cheerleader Pam: for security, from photographers, boys that just can’t wait, or moms about to walk in on your love making, we offer security systems and other security things, such as Wanguards, and Butt-Hugger Brand Short Shorts for those nasty photographers that think they’re so smart, when we jump into the air, and our skirts fly up…pshhh…ok, come now.

 

(end)

The Pump Girls Episode 3

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Nothin’

 

(all the girls are unconscious in their beds)

(Dr. Kevorkian walks in and smiles)

(then, 10,000 men come in and “feel up” all the Pump Girls)

(fade out)

 

36 hours later

 

KayKay: hey! I found 3.675 cents in my uterus!

 

(everyone stares at her, then looks away, pretending they didn’t hear that)

 

AshAsh: that last performance sucked! And we’re going to be stuck in this hospital at least another week…

 

JayJay: Oh well

 

FartFart: ::fart:: I’m bored

 

AshAsh: yeah, me too…

 

(just then, Dr. Kevorkian wheels in Mommy Manager, Count Counter Clerk, and Homey the Homeless Man on hospital beds)

 

Count Counter Clerk: my head hurts…

 

Dr. Kevorkian: shut up you!

 

(Dr. Kevorkian smacks Count Counter Clerk on the head)

 

Count Counter Clerk: owww!

 

Homey: Smack him again!

 

(Mommy Manager is about to say something, but from excessive gas inhalation, she passes out)

(Dr. Kevorkian puts them in the line the Pump Girls are in, against the wall)

 

Dr. Kevorkian: I’m going to bring more playmates for you, just…you…wait

 

(Dr. Kevorkian laughs evilly as he closes the door)

 

AshAsh: I wonder what he meant by that…

 

(the door opens again, and Barney the big purple dinosaur gets rolled in, IV and breathing tanks hooked up all around him)

 

FartFart: BARNEY! What happened to you?

 

(Barney wheezes. The computer he is hooked up to speaks for him)

 

Computer: I was hit by a car, then beat down with crowbars…it hurt…then the steamroller, and the bombs…

 

(AshAsh blinks)

 

AshAsh: kay.

 

KayKay: yeah?

 

AshAsh: blah

 

KayKay: all right

 

FartFart: wow

 

JayJay: poor Barney…

 

Dr. Kevorkian: yeah, and I had a hell of a time trying to find out where he breathed from

 

(there’s tubes hooked up everywhere on Barney, on his pinky, into his ear, in his black eye and some tubes you can’t see where they go)

(no one says anything for a while)

(Dr. Kevorkian releases knockout gas into the hospital, knocking everyone out)

(end)

Whore Paint Supplies

(sexy music is playing)

(the camera pans slowly to the left, and you see two people’s bare legs on top of each other on a couch, moving around)

 

Lady: oh baby, I just love it when you stick it in…

 

Guy: shut up bitch, I’m not paying you to talk!

 

(the camera zooms out, and you see the guy is actually painting someone)

(scene cuts to a kid’s face)

 

Kid: what the fuck?

 

(scene cuts to a painter-type looking guy with a goatee)

 

Jain Starling: hello, I’m a painter. I’m here to tell you about Whore Paint Supplies. I don’t actually endorse these products, but money can make you do anything, in this economy with rising gas, food, and prostitute prices. Here at Whore Paint Supplies you can buy many many things. Including, you guessed it, PAINT!

 

(cuts to Jain Starling walking down an aisle)

 

Jain Starling: paint is sooo good I love it, because I’m a painter! But there is a very special aisle, just for paint that you can pain WHORES with! I find it kind of arousing myself, because I love paint, and I love whores! You just put one on each other and I just get so—OH MY GOD!

 

(Jain Starling drops his pants and reaches down his underwear)

(technical difficulties comes on right away….for 10 minutes)

 

Jain Starling: ok…I’m finished…

 

(but then MAW (Mothers Against Whores) busts through the door of Whore Paint Supplies)

 

Jain Starling: sacré bloo!

 

Soccer Mom: DESTROY! Whores are the DEVIL! WE Don’t care about their financial state nor the fact they may be drug addicts or have another problem, and would rather kill them than help them, because our husbands are the ones bringing in the money, and all WE do is shop and bitch! LIKE NOW!

 

Robot Mom: shop and bitch. Shop and bitch! Oooh….I like this paint, but the price is so HIGH!

 

Jain Starling: FUCK! RUNNNNNN!!!

 

(Milllions (its seems at least) of mothers storm the building with pitchforks, stabbing every man and whore in sight)

 

Camera Man: oh fuck oh fuck!

 

(the camera man is running, so you see the screen shaking around. But then Soccer Mom takes out a shotgun and shoots. Screen goes snowy)

(technical difficulties)

(end)