All posts by Holmes

Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5930: Sprivenx -> Holmes

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This entry is part 1 of 2 in the series Sprivenx Needs Help

Holmes:

ok basically this started with a friend online telling me she got a random IM from someone who asked her for help on a t.v. show. I told her to tell the guy who needed help my screen name…and so, here we are!!!!!!!

———

Sprivenx: hi

Sprivenx: somone said u can help me

Holmes: sure i’ll help, i’m the most helpful guy you’ll ever meet

Sprivenx: Invader Zim is going off the air and i need help so u can put it back on the air or somthing!

Holmes: ok

Holmes: i can do that

Sprivenx: how?

Sprivenx: Arts and Entertainment – Protest Invader Zim

Holmes: i have….lets say….connections

Sprivenx: asl

Holmes: 43/m/Arizona

Sprivenx: can u do that?

Holmes: my connections are universal…i’m a very…well known person

Holmes: in the secret respect

Sprivenx: Yaaay!

Sprivenx: so how can u put it back on the air?

Holmes: when i tell someone to jump, they ask “how high”

Holmes: well i’ll have my people go and meet the people of invader zim

Sprivenx: They were gonna make more episodes of IZ

Holmes: this conversation will involve the use of bloody knuckles and threats…

Sprivenx: But nick said No:(

Holmes: thats terrible

Sprivenx: that show made me who i am today!

Holmes: invader zim is almost like a classic

Sprivenx: you have to help me!

Holmes: wow

Holmes: really?

Sprivenx: yes!!

Sprivenx: [ grabs holems by the cloak and falls ]: plz help me and my friends!

Sprivenx: holms*

Sprivenx: holmes*

Holmes: some people would call you a looser or a stupid ass, but not me…i call you a hero

Sprivenx: stupid ass?

Sprivenx: why the hell why?

Holmes: i don’t know

Holmes: people are wierd todat

Holmes: today*

Sprivenx: i know

Holmes: i mean some people pretend that they are someone like me, big and important, over the internet…can you believe that

Holmes: anyways were jumping off topic

Sprivenx: so how long would this process take?

Holmes: oh not long, i mean if you threaten to cut off someone’s…”jewels” they tend to jump 10 feet higher, run 10 mph faster and do things 10 times better

Sprivenx: lol

Sprivenx: wow

Holmes: yeah

Holmes: trust me

Holmes: i would know

Holmes: but, in return you must do a favor for me when i call upon you again

Sprivenx: waht?

Holmes: nevermind

Holmes: when the time comes, we will discuss it

Sprivenx: Just tell me!

Holmes: well, in todays common world, when one does one a favor, they usually do a favor in return, if you understand my kabowlee’s

Sprivenx: like….waht?

Holmes: don’t worry about the word kabowlee’s, it’s just a fancy word us people use to sound big anfd important

Holmes: well, right now a favor i plan on asking is non-existant, that is why i will discuss it with you at a later time

Sprivenx: Ok…?

Holmes: i may be using words you do not understand yet

Holmes: so i will put it plain and simple

Sprivenx: im only 12

Holmes: oh

Holmes: i honestly couldn’t tell

Holmes: you sound so mature for your age

Sprivenx: i do?

Holmes: you maybe be 12 on the outside, but your brain tells me you have the intelligence of a 20 year old

Sprivenx: im usually like this when somthing like this happens

Holmes: i can understand your pain…invader zim is just…so….wghats the word you yougin’s use? “radical”?

Sprivenx: Huh?

Holmes: nevermind

Sprivenx: i never say “Radical”

Holmes: oh

Sprivenx: thats retarded

Holmes: i was informed…i mean told…that “radical” was the word of the day for the cool people…my mistake

Sprivenx: kinda

Sprivenx: but not fer me

Holmes: oh it’s ok, you don’t have to be cool if you don’t want to…kids fail to realize that being cool is a decision

Sprivenx: im not that kinda “Cool”

Holmes: ahh i see…

Holmes: when i was young i was considered cool

Sprivenx: so what r u gonna do now?

Holmes: well i’m going to call my…”family” member Bubba “Wanker” Jones and he will call Rex “Massacre” Mahoney and he will call Johnny “Hooligan” Hooligan and they will mastricate the ferdidions at the production center when they produce “Invader Zim”

Holmes: in simple terms

Holmes: we will fix the problem

Sprivenx: kewl

Sprivenx: so waht do u want from me?

Sprivenx: just tell me

Holmes: I don’t know yet, sonny

Sprivenx: your freakin me out here

Sprivenx: i dont know u

Holmes: listen kid, relax

Holmes: are you relaxed?

Holmes: RELAX!!!!!

Sprivenx: no not really

Sprivenx: sheesh calm down

Holmes: I’M ALWAYS CALM!!!!!!!

Sprivenx: it sure doesnt look it

Holmes: oh silly me i left the caps on

Holmes: you know cap lock

Sprivenx: YES

Sprivenx: I THINK SO

Sprivenx: i dunno maybe i can

Holmes: hey…don’t forget who your talking to…don’t EVER yell at me!

Sprivenx: i wasnt yelling

Holmes: oh

Sprivenx: SEE?

Holmes: i see

Holmes: i see you writing see

Sprivenx: IF I WERE YELLING I WOULD HAVE EXCLAMATION PTS

Sprivenx: but i dont

Holmes: oh an important listen in the typing science

Holmes: lesson*

Holmes: anyways

Holmes: I will contact you in due time to let you know the progress of this action

Holmes: in short terms

Holmes: bye, i’ll talk to you later

Sprivenx: bye

Holmes: sily me, we never say bye in our organization, we say kilimop, it’s a word used to say see you later

Holmes: so KILIMOP!

Sprivenx: Ok?

Sprivenx: Kilimop

Holmes: kilimop

Sprivenx: whatever that is

Holmes: listen kid i already told you, don’t make me repeat myself

Holmes: so kilimop

Sprivenx: ok….

Sprivenx: kilimop

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5929: KungPowJuggalo -> Holmes

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KungPowJuggalo: would you like to try out for my profile?

Holmes: would I like to try out for your profile?

Holmes: is it that special?

Holmes: sure why not

Holmes: what do i have to do

KungPowJuggalo: ummmm

KungPowJuggalo: piss me off withoout clicking the warn button

Holmes: are you serious?

Holmes: thats to easy

KungPowJuggalo: yes

KungPowJuggalo: no it isnt

KungPowJuggalo: oh

KungPowJuggalo: and you cant use progs

KungPowJuggalo: ALL TALK

KungPowJuggalo: AND

Holmes: and…….

KungPowJuggalo: you cant use vowels or constenants, numbers, or any other character

KungPowJuggalo: no, jk

KungPowJuggalo: only talk

Holmes: …………………….

Holmes: ok

KungPowJuggalo: HURRY UP

Holmes: let me mentally prepare

KungPowJuggalo: ok

Holmes: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

KungPowJuggalo: HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM my ass hole

Holmes: heh

Holmes: ugh it doesn’t feel right when someone WANTS me to annoy them

Holmes: it’s sorta…ironic…

KungPowJuggalo: oh

KungPowJuggalo: ummm

KungPowJuggalo: ugh

Holmes: you know like big shrimp ironic

Holmes: and stuff

KungPowJuggalo: you’re disqualified

KungPowJuggalo: for arguing

Holmes: what?

KungPowJuggalo: leave me alone

Holmes: that BS

Holmes: thats*

KungPowJuggalo: LEAVE ME ALONE

Holmes: bull shit *

Holmes: no

Holmes: i wanna be in your profile

KungPowJuggalo: fuck you

KungPowJuggalo: go away

Holmes: no

KungPowJuggalo: yes

KungPowJuggalo: bitch

Holmes: make me

Holmes: big bad man challenging me over the internet!

Holmes: i’m so scared!

KungPowJuggalo: shut up

KungPowJuggalo: before i hack you

KungPowJuggalo: before i do…

Holmes: your probablly some fat guy who can;’t get out of his chair

KungPowJuggalo: what is an IP?

Holmes: it’s internet penis

Holmes: or internet porn

Holmes: or internet pussy

KungPowJuggalo: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh

KungPowJuggalo: LOOK AT MY JUGGZ!!!!!

KungPowJuggalo: damnit

KungPowJuggalo: stop IMing

KungPowJuggalo: me

KungPowJuggalo: now

Holmes: no

KungPowJuggalo: bitch

KungPowJuggalo: ass

Holmes: i win

KungPowJuggalo: no you dont

Holmes: because your annoyed

KungPowJuggalo: !!!!!1

KungPowJuggalo: =-o

KungPowJuggalo: congrats

KungPowJuggalo: dick shit

Holmes: >:o

KungPowJuggalo: lol

Holmes: yay

Holmes: -does the holmes dance-

Holmes: i’m so happy

KungPowJuggalo: do you put your left hend behind your back, crouch down, and walk around the place pretending you are lookign threw a magnifying glass?

Holmes: hmmm

Holmes: yes

Holmes: i am

Holmes: sherlock holmes

Holmes: after all

KungPowJuggalo: hmmmm

KungPowJuggalo: i never considered that

Holmes: see…

KungPowJuggalo: NO….. you dont

Holmes: i am smrat enuff 2 b in ur profile

KungPowJuggalo: yes

KungPowJuggalo: i am making it now

Holmes: i wanna see

KungPowJuggalo: ok ok

Holmes: if you put gayest person or something like that i’ll beat you with an ugly stick

KungPowJuggalo: ok ok

KungPowJuggalo: okay i did it

KungPowJuggalo: tell me what you think

Holmes: …….

KungPowJuggalo: what is it baby

Holmes: where is it jack ass

Holmes: …..

KungPowJuggalo: %n

KungPowJuggalo: poop shit

KungPowJuggalo: everybody can be famous

KungPowJuggalo: god damnit

Holmes: um

Holmes: yeah

Holmes: whatever

Holmes: just show me the profile

KungPowJuggalo: you wanna be famous eh?

KungPowJuggalo: click “get info”

Holmes: where

Holmes: your on AIM

Holmes: i can’t get your profile

KungPowJuggalo: then go on aim

Holmes: hold on

KungPowJuggalo: ok

KungPowJuggalo: whats your sn

Holmes: heh

KungPowJuggalo: what

Holmes: i am not the words stupidest person, it hurts when you say things like that 🙁

KungPowJuggalo: H O L lvl E S

KungPowJuggalo: is gay

KungPowJuggalo: lol

Holmes: you know what

Holmes: FUCK YOU

Holmes: who are you

Holmes: and why are you on my computer screen!!!!!!!!

KungPowJuggalo: lol

——————–

KungPowJuggalo’s Profile on AIM:

ANOTHER Happy hour with ‘TODAYS STUPIDEST PERSON! todays special, erm, i mean STUPID person, likes to get laid with pigs, has a red neck boyfriend and girlfriend, but isnt bi-sexual! give it up for ‘Holmes”

Holmes: i like to fuck pigs and meditate while smoking a joint 8 days a week!!!

KungPowJuggalo: well, you made it into my profile, you lucky son of a bitch!

Holmes: what’s a profile?

WAM, BAM! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Chat Logs, Prank IMs, Stupid IMs

#5928: Holmes -> LechuZaAa / Axiom -> Holmes / LKNIGHT -> Holmes

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These people never heard of the Berenstein Bears…so it’s not as funny as it could have been if they did know…these three are either the same person, or they’re all friends…

————–

Holmes: Hello

LechuZaAa: ………..?

Holmes: I said…Hello…don’t act like you didn’t hear me

LechuZaAa: uh huh who r u

Holmes: I am from the BB family organization, they have instructed me that you have not payed there protection dues

LechuZaAa: hah or not

LechuZaAa: good bye

Holmes: wait

Holmes: This is johnny right?

LechuZaAa: noooooooooo

Holmes: damnit

Holmes: the BB is gonna kill me, i gotta find johnny!

LechuZaAa: yeap, you do that

Holmes: can you help? do you know a johnny?

LechuZaAa: no

Holmes: i’m dead….I’M DEAD! help me please!!! hide me!

LechuZaAa: right

LechuZaAa: uh huh

Holmes: i gotta find johnny before the BB finds me…

Holmes: there watching…every move i make,…

Holmes: as son as they find me i’ll be sleeping with the fishes

Holmes: and you don’t care?

LechuZaAa: why should i…… lol…… i don’t know you

Holmes: i see how it is…

Holmes: oh what a cruel world we live in

LechuZaAa: mhmmm

Holmes: the berenstein bear mafia is very deadly, have you heard of them?

LechuZaAa: no

Holmes: oh…

LechuZaAa: lol

Holmes: it’s not a laughing matter, man!

Holmes: my life is at stake

LechuZaAa: okay

Holmes: ok…what would you do if a mafia was after you?

LechuZaAa: sit there…….

Holmes: hmm good idea…then?

LechuZaAa: sleep

Holmes: …

LechuZaAa: so, would you like to tell me who you really are?

Holmes: hmm

Holmes: not really

LechuZaAa: uh huh

LechuZaAa: okay

LechuZaAa: good luck with that “bb” thing

LechuZaAa: bye

Holmes: thanks

Holmes: i’ll die happy…bye

————–

Axiom: sleep, it’ll make the mafia’s hunt easier

Holmes: i bet it will

Axiom: have fun

Holmes: oh i will have fun at dieing

Axiom: so who is this

Holmes: dieing is always fun

Holmes: a person

Axiom: good answer

Holmes: so vague…

Holmes: but so true…

Axiom: just some random guy

Holmes: yeah

————–

LKNIGHT: are you alright?

Holmes: am i alright? of course

Holmes: are you alright?

LKNIGHT: that’s good.

LKNIGHT: yeah

Holmes: thats good…were both alright

LKNIGHT: so, who are you , might i ask

LKNIGHT: yeah

Holmes: i’m just a person

LKNIGHT: my friend told me to say hi

LKNIGHT: so i did

Holmes: hmm

LKNIGHT: yeah

Holmes: anyways

Holmes: do you know the BB family organization?

LKNIGHT: no..should i? if so, enlighten me.

Holmes: the berenstein bear mafia, there…like…deadly

LKNIGHT: nice…

LKNIGHT: where did you find out about this?

Holmes: eh it’s not a big secret

LKNIGHT: well, no big surprise, i’m always the last to find out about things

LKNIGHT: so, who are you…

Holmes: some random guy

LKNIGHT: really… not that random

Holmes: very random

Holmes: i found your friend on member directory

Holmes: i was bored what can i say

LKNIGHT: i doubt that you are more random than me, but…

LKNIGHT: my friend… krispy?

Holmes: yeah

Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5927: Holmes -> Katerina Asigiri

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Holmes: Hi, I am a spokesperson for the DANO (Drug Abusing Necrophilliac Organization). We would like your support for our organization by letting us know if you have any Drug Using Necrophilliacs that need help and/or support.

Holmes: Take for example a member of our group known as Dan M. After several beverages, he would sneak into the nearest morgue and proceed doing the unnecesary to a dead body. But now Dan M. is fully restored and is now married to a lovely wife, and has 4 children.

Katerina Asigiri: You can leave me alone now.

Holmes: Sorry to have disturbed you but do you know any Drug Abusing Necrophilliacs?

Katerina Asigiri: NO Now go away!

Holmes: Do you know anyone who is secretly a Drug Abusing Necrophilliac?

Holmes: Or any friends who know of a Drug Abusing Necrophilliac? Your support is greatly appreciated.

Katerina Asigiri: Do you get paid to be stupidly annoying?

Holmes: Yes, infact I do.

Katerina Asigiri: Just making sure.

Holmes: I have only come asking for support and you shut me down with such negativity

Katerina Asigiri: I’m paid to do that.

Holmes: Can you at least…whats the word those young folk use all the time…?

Holmes: “chat”?

Katerina Asigiri: If you don’t bring up the supporting of something.. or whatever it was..

Holmes: Alright, my work will be excluded from the conversation…

Holmes: …so…yeah…

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#5926: Holmes -> FireRaze

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Holmes: it’s time for the talk…the birds and the theorys…

FireRaze: ((brb))

Holmes: ((k))

Holmes: we could go into the birds and the bee’s but for right now we’ll just do the birds and the

Holmes: theorys…

FireRaze: ((back))

Holmes: a “bird” is a crazy person and a theory is an idea…see when a “bird” loves a theory, they

FireRaze: Bees?

Holmes: ((wb))

FireRaze: Ah just get on wit it

FireRaze: ((::lagging really really bad::))

Holmes: have to prove there love…

Holmes: ((ugh i hate lag))

Holmes: so the bird proposes to the theory and they get married and have lotsa crazy theories

Holmes: together and they live happily and crazily ever after

FireRaze: ahhhhhhh

FireRaze: ::is very confused but doesnt show it::

Holmes: don’t worry, you’ll grow up to be just like me…

FireRaze: ::drops over,fainting::

Holmes: …dangit that ALWAYS happens…

Holmes: ::grabs a bucket of worms and tosses it onto him::

Holmes: ::looks back at the bucket of water he was suppose to throw on him and realizes he made a

Holmes: mistake::

FireRaze: Gah!::holds his hands out and blasts the worms::

Holmes: gee how did…those get there,…

Holmes: heh…heh…

SuperMike: ((what do u do here>is it a supermarket?)

Holmes: ::looks around nervously::

Holmes: ((yes))

Fire: I wont be like you,your not Saiyajin

Holmes: true…

Fire: :swings his tail around::

Holmes: did i ever tell you about the little engine that could story?

Fire: ::shakes his head no::

Holmes: there once was a little engine that could and he was chugging through the forest and even

Holmes: chugging in the bar…

Holmes: well anyways he once needed to climb up a hill

Holmes: but he was on the paxil pill that prevents you from having social anxiety disorder

Holmes: and that made him dizzy considering he was drinking alcohol and taking medicine and drugs are BAD

Holmes: and he was all weary about life and the engineer was like: “You Mother Fuckin engine, move

Holmes: your lazy ass over that hill or i’m going to Pawn you at the pawn shop!” and the engine was

Holmes: like: “Whatever dumbass” and so he tried to pull himself up that hill

Holmes: but he just couldn’t do it…

Holmes: he kept saying I think I can I think I can but STILL no, until the constructor told him that

Holmes: there was alcohol on the top of the hill, thats when the engine ZOOMED up the hill…

Holmes: so remeber, when your down in the dumps, just think of alcohol…oh yeah and don’t do drugs

Holmes: the end

Holmes: did you learn your lesson little boy?

FireRaze: ::had got his gameboy out in the meantime and started playing pokemon::

FireRaze: huh?what were you saying?

Holmes: what is this Pokemon? sounds like a Gay jamacan porno movie…

Holmes: never mind…

FireRaze: jamacan?

Holmes: you know, those guys who talk all funny and say Mon a lot

Holmes: like Yo Mon or chill out mon

Holmes: or even Poke a mon…

FireRaze: oh……..uh…..Ive only been to chikyuu-sei a couple times

Holmes: when i was your age i had to walk 15 miles to china and then walk back

Holmes: while these days you just get to go places

FireRaze: Yeah,I can just shunken-eido

Holmes: don’t talk to me in that lingo boy, i don’t want you talkin about my momma

FireRaze: I can talk about your momma all I want to

Holmes: well you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to spank you with cheese

FireRaze: Ill lay the smackdown on you!

Holmes: you young whipper snapper you wouldn’t touch an elderly citizen

FireRaze: Wanna bet,and Ill do it in my Oozaru form so I cant control mysef

Holmes: your lucky i don’t have my fighting teeth and legs on, or i would get elderly on your ass

FireRaze: ((how old is he?))

Holmes: ((18 he’s just being idiotic))

Holmes: so sonny did i ever tell you about how i had to walk 15 miles to my bathroom

FireRaze: No!!!!

FireRaze: erck….no

Holmes: well see this one time…

Holmes: i really had to go and dad was like piss in your pants cause we don’t have enough water to

Holmes: flush the toilet

Holmes: infact the toilet was our bathtub, computer and our lunch table

Holmes: the end

Holmes: did you learn a lesson from that story, sonny?

FireRaze: Never eat,pee,and type in your toilet

Holmes: hey just because you got all this high tech mumbo jumbo doesn’t mean you can’t use the old

Holmes: way of doing things

Holmes: my toilet is my computer, wanna se?

FireRaze: ((Ok,I might get kicked off,and I wont be coming back,so hope my printer works))

FireRaze: No,not really

FireRaze: ((wish me luck!))

Holmes: ((luck))

FireRaze: ((good luck!))

Holmes: ((good luck!))

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5925: SeniorFriend -> Holmes

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This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series nice s n lol

SeniorFriend: nice s n lol

Holmes: thanks

Holmes: who is this?

SeniorFriend: nice s n lol

Holmes: …..

SeniorFriend: Thank you for your responses. They have been anonymously logged in the AI (Artifical Intelligence) response database. You can send one more response to be recorded. These are questions from promotion of a Christian website. So, be nice in your response. 🙂 For more information visit : InstantPromoter

Holmes: oh it’s a christian web site. Ok, well sorry i’ll miss church tommorow, i’ll be busy practicing witchcraft and becoming homosexual

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5924: YoursTruly -> Holmes

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YoursTruly: `ello

YoursTruly: hehe

Holmes: hey hows life

YoursTruly: bad

YoursTruly: guess who this is!!

YoursTruly: heehee

Holmes: i knew that

YoursTruly: guess

Holmes: oh the sister

YoursTruly: its not poopy old bethany

YoursTruly: yeppyepp

YoursTruly: heehee

Holmes: i knew it

YoursTruly: she has got a lot of ppl on her buddy list

YoursTruly: how???

Holmes: uhh

Holmes: i dunno

YoursTruly: bethany is not as hypper as me??

YoursTruly: thats what EVERYONE says!!

YoursTruly: well they can go poop on their head

Holmes: i…can’t…imagine…why

YoursTruly: i like the word poop

YoursTruly: how about you???

Holmes: poop

YoursTruly: lol

YoursTruly: you still own that store???

Holmes: Arts and Entertainment – RhydinCheapNSave

Holmes: darn tootin

YoursTruly: bethany got so0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o mad at me when i told her i got on her s\n

Holmes: hahahhaha

YoursTruly: yeh she screamed at me!!!

Holmes: sahhaHAHSHSAD

YoursTruly: said she was gonna kill me if i did it again

YoursTruly: did you know she almost killed someone once

Holmes: i won’t tell ::cross fingers::

Holmes: wow

Holmes: thats scary

YoursTruly: yea she hold every thing in side so when she gets mad she get mad

YoursTruly: i know

Holmes: …

YoursTruly: so0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

YoursTruly: guess what i am eating!!

Holmes: cheese pizza

Holmes: poop

YoursTruly: lol

YoursTruly: nope ice cream!

YoursTruly: oh no

YoursTruly: bethany is home!!!!

Holmes: uh oh

YoursTruly: what do i do?

YoursTruly: i will say i didnt mean too

Holmes: get life insurance

YoursTruly: i thought it was my s\n at first

YoursTruly: lol

YoursTruly: she is coming

Holmes: write your will there time left!

YoursTruly: What did she tell you?

YoursTruly: she exed out the convo

Holmes: ..uh…

YoursTruly: what did she say?

Holmes: …she said your the nicest person in the world

Holmes: and that she’d NEVER EVER mean to switch to your screen name

Holmes: did you beat her up

YoursTruly: no…………

YoursTruly: tell me the truth

YoursTruly: i g2g bye

YoursTruly: tell me the truth later

Holmes: k

Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5923: Holmes -> SuperKim, Smj -> Holmes

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Holmes: Hey hows life? whats happenin? hows it hanging? whats new? whats up? let me in on the news…

SuperKim: do i know u?

Holmes: i dunno, do you know me?

SuperKim: well who are u? how did u get my s/n

Holmes: I’m a spy from the organization of the Texas can-can dancers

SuperKim: funny

Holmes: we have reason to believe your selling illegal q-tips

SuperKim: kiss my a$$

Holmes: we are asking you to stop before innocent ears get hurt…

SuperKim: fukk u

Holmes: that hurts 🙁

Holmes: I thought you were related to SuperMan in some way but superman has better MANNERS

SuperKim: how do u know did u meet superman???

Holmes: yes, I made him dinner…a kryptonite sandwich with cheese

Holmes: he liked it so much, he fell over like he was havin a seizure

Holmes: have you ever met spiderman?

Holmes: it’s a yes or no question…

SuperKim: fukk u

SuperKim: i dont wanna tlak to you what are u 2

Holmes: where i come from, we speak proper english…

SuperKim: i dont give a shit

Holmes: speakin of givin shit, santa gave me shit for christmas, what did he give you?

Holmes: …i’ll take that as that he gave you nothing

—

2 seconds later, and, gee, I wonder how I knew it was the same person only a diffrent screen name?

—

Smj: hi

Holmes: hello

Smj: wutz up

Holmes: o you know…

Smj: ….?

Holmes: come on you know whats up…

Smj: umm

Holmes: yeah you know….come on…you know…

Smj: ew?

Smj: how old r u?

Holmes: 99 years old and growing

Smj: loFl

Smj: no really

Smj: how old r u???

Holmes: you first

Smj: 17u?

Holmes: i forgot..

Smj: just tell me

Holmes: what if your some stalker

Smj: NOPE IM NOT

Smj: WHO R U ANYWAYZ?

Smj: HOW DID YOU GET SUPERKIM’Z SN?

Holmes: my mommy said I should never ever give out: my age or name or that she beats me on the internet

Smj: umm ok

Smj: your gay

Holmes: I know magical powers

Smj: bye

Holmes: wait

Holmes: i’ll tell you

Smj: wut?

Smj: fine then tell me

Smj: right now!

Smj: hurry hurry!

Holmes: it’s a magic power called: “People Directory”

Smj: o

Smj: well how old ru?

Holmes: it works in mysterious ways….

Holmes: 16

Smj: o wel im not really 17…

Holmes: OOOOOOOOOO YOUR A LIAR JUST LIKE AL GORE

Smj: loFl

Smj: im 34

Smj: jk jk

Holmes: jk? is that some new slang term

Smj: your gay dude

Smj: bye

Holmes: 🙁

Holmes: i’ll never sleep again 🙁

Smj: o wut a shame 🙁

Smj: i dont care

Holmes: you got a big poop-colored heart

Smj: ok

Smj: fine then ill talk to u….

Smj: umm…..

Smj: where r u from?

Holmes: …uh…Connectituctst or however it’s spelled

Smj: u dont even know how to spell where your from?

Smj: damn you must be rrreally stupid

Smj: you mean connecticut?

Holmes: yeah thats it it had somethin with connect in it

Holmes: don’t make fun of stupid people, it only makes them stupider…my dad taught me that

Smj: your corny

Holmes: i like corn…

Smj: or korn?

Holmes: hmm yeah

Holmes: where I come from it’s spelled with a C not a K

Smj: i meant the band you schmuck

Holmes: OH the band, yeah korn is cool

Holmes: whats a schitmuck?

Smj: i didnt say shitmuck

Smj: shmuck

Smj: sound it out now

Holmes: shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh muccccccckkkk

Smj: good job

Holmes: do I get a A +?

Smj: nah

Holmes: awwww

Smj: r u really 16?

Holmes: yup

Smj: sure bout that?

Holmes: uh hold on, let me check my birthday cards…

Smj: ok do you have a pic?

Holmes: yeah it says: Congrats, your 16

Holmes: nope scanner = busted

Smj: ooo

Holmes: i just have the mentallity of a 6 year old, kind of like that movie Jack with Robin Williams

Smj: ha

Holmes: only i have more sexy looks then he does

Smj: suuure

Holmes: fine don’t believe the sexy man

Smj: fine iwont

Holmes: fine

Smj: wut were you sayin to superkim?

Smj: fine

Holmes: uh some stupid stuff

Smj: llike wut?

Holmes: like i’m suppose to remeber?

Smj: uh huh

Smj: and it’z “supposed to” not suppose

Holmes: sorry i didn’t know it was english class

Smj: thatz ok

Holmes: so, miss teacher can I go to the bathroom? I gotta tinkie..

Smj: nah kid

Smj: sorry

Holmes: i’m about to tinkie on the floor if i don’t go

Smj: o well

Smj: not my floor

Holmes: well I gotsta poop too, so there better be room on the floor

Smj: ew you nasty

Smj: shut up about the fucken shit and piss thing ok>???

Holmes: you brought it up

Smj: no u did

Holmes: no

Smj: yes

Holmes: no

Smj: anywayz…

Holmes: anywayz no

Smj: wut kind of music do you like?

Smj: fine then bye

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5922: Squall -> Holmes

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Squall: shirlock holmes

Holmes: if i was really sherlock holmes i’d atleast know how to spell my name, dummy

Squall: well you know the e and the i are right across from each other?

Holmes: good for the E and the I, want me to throw a party for them?

Squall: umm no i think theve had enough exitment for one night i think

Holmes: wimps….

Holmes: i think there stupid

Squall: umm are you ok or just not

Holmes: i’m crazy, jeeze can’t you tell?

Squall: my grandma is half iridh and my grandpa is half lesbian that makes me quarter lesbian

Squall: irish*

Holmes: wow thanks for the info, incase i’m ever on jepardy and they ask: This person is a quarter Lesbian, I’ll proudly say: Who is Squall?

Squall: that would be me in a tree or would that be in a nut shell

Holmes: be me tree be rhyme

Squall: ohh well who let you out of the zoo

Holmes: the Lions, they said i was getting too annoying and they booted me out. They also said I lived like an animal and I didn’t clean after myself

Squall: }:)

Squall: and yes that is a unibrow i think or a giant stye in my eye

Holmes: wow thats so cool

Holmes: Not i’mm cooler then you and no it isn’t true

Squall: so actually im cooler than you

Squall: i feel contagious

Holmes: no see i’m 10% Ghetto, 20% Eminem, 30% Crazy, 15% Cheese Stick, 5% Lesbian Trapped in a mans body and 25% FREA-KAY

Holmes: wait thats a 105

Squall: cant you count you egotistical freak with 9 fingers

Holmes: yeah i can count, 1 2 3…3….3……..3….uh umm….3 2 1 there i counted…

Squall: ohh really i dont consider that counting but whater your mom wants to teach you is ok with me

Holmes: i’ll wrestle you

Squall: ill embestle you

Holmes: i’ll make you brush your teeth with crest….le…

Squall: le ?? is that like bruce cause if so i might need some super strength juice

Squall: well i gtg

Squall: joe shmoe

Holmes: don’t let the cyber door cyberly bonk your cyber ass on the cyber way out, cyberly

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5921: Santa -> Holmes

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Santa: HO HO HO

Holmes: OH MY GOD! IT’S SANTA! I WANT SOME PASTE AND A CUP OF PENNIES FOR CHRISTMAS

Santa: No youve been baddd!

Holmes: but…but…but…that old lady DESERVED to be smacked and spanked…and that little baby didn’t deserve that candy, he didn’t ADMIRE it as much as i did

Santa: You aint gettin shit!

Santa: Just kidding! ^_^

Santa: ::gives him shit::

Holmes: ::takes it:: i love you santa ::hugs him::

Santa: ::feels loved:: Yup, this is the best part of the job =)

Holmes: i was lieing…i didn’t get shit for nothing! ::pulls down his pants and yanks on his beard::

Santa: You naughty boy!

Santa: Get him elves!!

Santa: ::a buncha elves jump on him gnawing and biting::

Holmes: No! Don’t send Miketyson the elve on me! HE bit my EAR last time ::runs in circles trying to advoid the elves::

Santa: BITE HIS BUM MIKETYSON!!

Santa: SHOW NO MERCY!!! MUOHOHOHOHOHO

Holmes: ::gets bit in the bum:: My BUM! My Bum! My Bum is on the ELF!

Santa: ::all the evles fart in his general direction::

Santa: *fart**fart**fart**fart**fart**fart*

Holmes: ::grabs his chest:: it’s all over…i’m going to that big rectum in the sky…good bye stinky world, i’ve been brown faced with farts ::falls over::

Santa: HOHO! Feel the jollyness of my gas!!!

Santa: ::lays a ferociously jolly fart::

Santa: ::a little TOO jolly::

Holmes: it’s…too…jolly…we’re…loosing oxygen…fast…captain…save us…we’re…we’re…

Holmes: downloading napster…

Santa: Ok, my work here is done. ::hops in his sleigh and flies off::

Holmes: ::flips the finger:: HO HO this FAT BOY

Santa: I’ll be back next year, with more elves and beans too!!!!

Holmes: I’ll be wearing my GAS MASK MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ::cough:: ::cough:: uh…oh yeah…MUHAHAHAHAHAHA

Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5920: Holmes -> DaBratt

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Holmes: spam it

DaBratt: WHAT?

Holmes: i didn’t stutter i said S-P-A-M-I-T

DaBratt: WHO IS THIS?

Holmes: i’m your uncles sisters daughters mothers fathers sons hairdressers sisters brothers stocbrockers uncle, you should know me

DaBratt: OH OK WHATEVER

Holmes: don’t go there girlfriend

DaBratt: SHUT UP

Holmes: talk to the computer screen cause my speakers ain’t listenin…

DaBratt: SHUT UP

Holmes: can’t we be friends? i’m taking a poll

Holmes: Question #1: Do you speak Zulu?

DaBratt: NO

Holmes: Question #2: How do they make jello green?

Holmes: Question #3: Coke or Pepsi or Glue?

Holmes: These are serious questions, i need them fr my class…

Holmes: Argh just ANSWER THE QUESTIONS and i’ll leave you alone…

Holmes: fine, i see how it is….

Holmes: i try to be nice, all nice and nice and stuff and this is what i get in return? I’m killing myself

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs, Prank IMs

#5919: RideOrDieChic -> Holmes

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RideOrDieChic: HEY! ASL

Holmes: mind your damn buisness

Holmes: your freaky

RideOrDieChic: NO IM NOT

Holmes: i’m 105/transexual/Hell, Michigan

Holmes: wanna go out with me, big you? you sound so sexy

RideOrDieChic: SORRY I DIDNT MEAN 2 BOTHER I ONLY WANTED 2 SAY I LIKED URE SCREENMAE PLUS HOLMES IS MY FAVORITE WORD

Holmes: how about cheese, thats a cool word

RideOrDieChic: SORRY SNIFF SNIFF

RideOrDieChic: DANG

Holmes: or cheeze whiz

Holmes: or cheesy whiz cheese

Holmes: see

RideOrDieChic: SORRY

Holmes: WHAT

RideOrDieChic: I WONT BOTHER U

RideOrDieChic: AGAIN

Holmes: HUH

Holmes: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING

Holmes: STOP IT! YOUR GOING TO FAST

RideOrDieChic: I SAID IM NOT GOING 2 BOTHER U

Holmes: THE VOICES

Holmes: THERE TELLING ME TO BURN THINGS

RideOrDieChic: U SAID MIND URE OWN DAMN BUISSNESS

Holmes: BURN

Holmes: BURN YOU!

Holmes: AHHH

RideOrDieChic: OMG IM CRYIN

Holmes: so whats up man?

RideOrDieChic: IM NOT A MAN

RideOrDieChic: JESUS IM CRYIN

Holmes: cool

Holmes: need a tissue?

RideOrDieChic: NOT FROM HELL

RideOrDieChic: !

RideOrDieChic: U SAY IM WEIRD

Holmes: WELL GO BUY ONE YOU CHEAPO, YOU AIN’T GETTING SYMPATHY FROM ME, THATS ONE KLEENEX I BOUGHT WITH MY MONEY

RideOrDieChic: HECK I WAS JUST BEING A INNOCENT BY SSTANDER

Holmes: CHEAPO YOU SMELL ALL CHESSEY AND STUFF

RideOrDieChic: AND THAN I GET SHOT UP BY U

Holmes: I CAN CYBER SMELL YOU

RideOrDieChic: HECK IM RICH

RideOrDieChic: NOT CHEAP

Holmes: YOUR STINKY RICH

RideOrDieChic: YEAH

Holmes: STINKY BASTARD

RideOrDieChic: U 2 HEFFER

Holmes: TAKE AN ICE CREAM SHOWER YOU SMELLY LADY

RideOrDieChic: HAHAH

RideOrDieChic: LOL

RideOrDieChic: LOL

RideOrDieChic: LOL

RideOrDieChic: URE FUNNY

Holmes: so where are you from?

RideOrDieChic: HELL

RideOrDieChic: ACTUALLY

RideOrDieChic: OHIO

Holmes: cool i’m from LA

RideOrDieChic: COOL SO IS MY SISTERS BOYFRIEND

Holmes: TOO BAD I LIED HAHAHAHA

Holmes: LIAR

RideOrDieChic: O SURE

RideOrDieChic: AIGHT

Holmes: KISS MY BUTT

Holmes: whats up women?

Holmes: hey your cool

RideOrDieChic: SURE

Holmes: be cool and stay in school

Holmes: don’t do drugs, drugs do you

RideOrDieChic: WHEN DO UI WANT ME 2 KISS URE BUTT

Holmes: life sucks in the ghetto lane

RideOrDieChic: IM NOT STUPID

Holmes: RIGHT NOW

RideOrDieChic: THE GHETTO IS TIGHT

Holmes: CYBER KISS IT

RideOrDieChic: OK

RideOrDieChic: I KISS URE BUTT

RideOrDieChic: HAHAH

Holmes: YOU CALL THAT A KISS

Holmes: asl?

RideOrDieChic: OLD ENOUGH 2 GO OUT WITH U

Holmes: YOU FRIGID INSENSITIVE CRAZY LUNATICAL POST DRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER PATIENT

RideOrDieChic: YEAH U SYKITOFRANTIS CYBER HEFFER

RideOrDieChic: AH

RideOrDieChic: SISSY FIED TQWEETY BIRD

RideOrDieChic: YTO MONGOOSE SUCKIN DICK SUCKIN HEFFER

RideOrDieChic: HAHAH

Holmes: YOU RETARDED CHEESE MONKEY DISHWASHER SMELLY EATABLE CHEEZE WHIZ GUM CHEWING CARMEN SANDIAGO LOVING TOM BOY

RideOrDieChic: AWW URE SO SWEET

Holmes: i’m sweet as a rotten apple

RideOrDieChic: RU DONU TALKIN BOUIT YO SELF

Holmes: and twice as sweet

RideOrDieChic: CAUSE

RideOrDieChic: IM OUTTA HERE

Holmes: outta where

Holmes: here or there?

Holmes: there or here?

RideOrDieChic: BYE!

Holmes: WHERE?

Holmes: OUTTA OF HERE?

Holmes: WHERES HERE

Holmes: WHERES THERE

Holmes: WHERE

Holmes: WHERE

Holmes: WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Holmes: TALK TO ME

RideOrDieChic: OMG URE CRAZY

Holmes: HEY

Holmes: thanks

Holmes: i love you

RideOrDieChic: AWAY FROM U

(i was disconnected…damn lituanians) note: you can read more about them here: The AOL Theory

Holmes: hey

RideOrDieChic: WHAT/

RideOrDieChic: IMSAD

Holmes: why?

RideOrDieChic: CASUE

RideOrDieChic: CAUSE

Holmes: i’m sorry my brain snapped, that happens like every minute, sorry about that

RideOrDieChic: YEAH?

RideOrDieChic: SURE SNAPAGAIN

Holmes: doctors say i’m crazy but i don’t agree with them

RideOrDieChic: ITSNOTLIKE WE HAD A CONVERSATION NE WAYZZ

Holmes: see a crazy man hears voices in there head, but I hear voices from the baker under my BED, so i’m not crazy

RideOrDieChic: O KOOL

RideOrDieChic: BYE!

Holmes: and also the pepsi girl from the commercials is telling me to buy pepsi

RideOrDieChic: IMME 2 MORROW

Holmes: alright i’ll tell you more about the gay man that sleeps in my bed tommorow…

Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5918: Holmes -> GODS SOLDIER

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Holmes: i love god!!!!

GODS SOLDIER: huh

GODS SOLDIER: love ya to?

GODS SOLDIER: bye

Holmes: wait…

GODS SOLDIER: heheh i dont know you

Holmes: rember me, i’m tim…

GODS SOLDIER: ?

Holmes: you don’t remeber me? thats gratitude for ya, you SERIOUSLY don’t remeber me?

Holmes: come on think, last year?

GODS SOLDIER: um huh

GODS SOLDIER: i need more detail

Holmes: well we were at church together and i said: “God damn, if i don’t get some corn bread and a piece of spam i’m gonna turn to satan” in that wierd redneck voice and we both died laughing, you don’t remeber that?

GODS SOLDIER: oh

GODS SOLDIER: yea

GODS SOLDIER: um no

GODS SOLDIER: BYE

Holmes: make up your MIND

GODS SOLDIER: LOL

Holmes: yeah no, what is it?

GODS SOLDIER: bye

GODS SOLDIER: i dont know you

GODS SOLDIER: bye

Holmes: yeah you do i was just playin…

GODS SOLDIER: um ok

GODS SOLDIER: who are you man

Holmes: i just wanted to say godsoldier that i love god and maybe he did kick me out of heaven and spank me for not cleaning his boots the right way, but i…i…LOVE YOU MAN

GODS SOLDIER: look

GODS SOLDIER: bye

Holmes: where are you going?

GODS SOLDIER: soemwere

Holmes: here or there?

GODS SOLDIER: dont email me anymore

Holmes: ???

Holmes: whats e-mail?

Holmes: when people ignore me i go PSYCHO!!!!!!!

Holmes: ble blah dooby do da day bob dole do you take this goat to be your wife?

Holmes: I can feel my brain cracking, i’m going to go eat myself…

Holmes: talk to you later and remeber one important thing that i’m going to tell you about life…

Holmes: wear pants…

Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#5917: SATANWILLCHANGEU -> Holmes

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SATANWILLCHANGEU: hi

Holmes: who the hell do you think you are?

SATANWILLCHANGEU: ?????

SATANWILLCHANGEU: i jus want to talk wit you

Holmes: ….so start talking

SATANWILLCHANGEU: where are u from

Holmes: none of your buisness, your probablly one of those stalker people…

SATANWILLCHANGEU: listen if u don’t want 2 talk, u just say so

SATANWILLCHANGEU: u there?

Holmes: will satan really change me?

SATANWILLCHANGEU: yes, satan rules

Holmes: rules what?

SATANWILLCHANGEU: THE WORLD

Holmes: why can’t he rule something smaller like the bathroom? the world is too big

SATANWILLCHANGEU: the bathroom stinks….

Holmes: yeah say that now, but what if you had to go and you couldn’t hold it, would you care if the bathroom stunk then?

SATANWILLCHANGEU: ur gay, shut up

Holmes: i’m gay for telling the truth? i guess half the people in the world are gay then…

SATANWILLCHANGEU: stop dat

Holmes: go pray to satan, you wierdo. Satan can burn in hell for all i care

Holmes: he’s the gay one

SATANWILLCHANGEU: HE LIVES IN HELL U IDIOT

Holmes: thank you mr. obvious. You know, if you weren’t here making me 20 times as sure of the truth, i don’t know where i would be…

SATANWILLCHANGEU: i hate u, u fasg

SATANWILLCHANGEU: fag

Holmes: looks like hooked on phonics worked for you

SATANWILLCHANGEU: shut up

Holmes: maybe you should stop talking to me before i out smart you again

SATANWILLCHANGEU: FAG

SATANWILLCHANGEU: GAY

SATANWILLCHANGEU: HOMO

Holmes: your still talking to me?

SATANWILLCHANGEU: bye

Jokes

Joke #5239: The Third Baby

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When a friend had her third baby in four years, I volunteered to keep the older two overnight. One night turned into several, and I was running out of supplies. I asked my husband to go over and get some things from my friend’s husband.

 

“Did he give you everything?” I asked later.

 

“Yes,” my husband said, grinning. “A box of diapers, two sacks of clothing and the children’s birth certificates.”