#6395: davepoobond -> Holmes

davepoobond: the country bears

Holmes: NOW you IM me? Well your too fuckin late, i’m sleepin on my keyboard, droolin all over it and snoring loudly. I’m gonna wake up with the alphabet on my cheek…THANKS A LOT!

davepoobond: heh

Holmes: what up

davepoobond: the country bears is gonna suck

Holmes: the movie?

davepoobond: yeah

Holmes: is the country bears…the BERESTEIN BEARS!?

davepoobond: no

Holmes: damn

Holmes: berenstein bears rule

davepoobond: yes they dont

Holmes: how dare you diss the berenstein bears?

Holmes: they are like….OLD SKOOL!

davepoobond: dont forget to mention old

Holmes: yeah but…uh…ok

Holmes: i didn’t forget to mention skool

Holmes: or did i

Holmes: i don’t know

davepoobond: heh

Holmes: all i have to say

Holmes: berenstein bears rule

Holmes: and if it weren’t for them, i would have failed preschool

davepoobond: heh

davepoobond: they dont teach u crap

Holmes: but…but…the bears would maul your ass if they heard that

Holmes: they’d be munching on your testicules right now…so becareful what you say

davepoobond: oh man ur right

Holmes: you know what happened to goldilocks right?

davepoobond: there’s like a million of them and when one of them finds me i’m screwed!

Holmes: yeah

Holmes: don’t worry the berenstein bears have sent me to offer you protection…if you refuse it’s your life and your testicules will be the appetizer…-in a godfather old kinda voice- it’s an offer you can’t refuse

davepoobond: i fart on their grave before that happens!

Holmes: before what happens

Holmes: don’t make me call them

davepoobond: fine then

Holmes: ok the BB family organization is glad to have you a part of their family…take a moment to grab your nuts and rub them with joy bexcause they didn’t bite them off…

Holmes: yeah…

davepoobond: lol

davepoobond: BB family organization

Holmes: yeah…there watchin you

Holmes: and me…

Holmes: the walls have ears

Holmes: BB is watching

Holmes: -suddenly a red dot appears on my head- i mean..no…he…isn;’t…relax…it’s….just….a………joke…..

Holmes: -red dot disappears-

Holmes: man i’m so bored…

 

#5932: Holmes -> Sprivenx

This entry is part 2 of 2 in the series Sprivenx Needs Help

Holmes is on a different sn from before he IMd Sprivenx in the previous IM.

Holmes: Poopimopi

Sprivenx: whos this>

Holmes: Wanker

Sprivenx: whos this?!

Holmes: I already told you, Wanker

Holmes: I believe you contacted my boss

Sprivenx: whos yer boss?

Holmes: I cannot tell you his name, but his America Online screen name is “Holmes”

Sprivenx: Holmes

Holmes: Exactly

Sprivenx: so?

Holmes: He has called upon his family members to threaten a certain production company

Sprivenx: yea?

Holmes: and in return, he has asked you for a favor

Sprivenx: i know but listen…

Sprivenx: he wnts over $60 in DVDS and im broke! im trying to save up money for myself! and i cant do that for a TV show!

Holmes: I understand

Holmes: Well then, I guess I will not being able to get my “Tom And Huck” film

Holmes: I know a great thing that will help us both out

Sprivenx: waht..?

Holmes: You can talk with our Prime Negotiator and Buisness dealsman and Professional Pimp, Ronny “Bobonny” Feefiefofonny…he’s on right now

Holmes: i’m afraid i must get off, his America Online Screen name is “davepoobond”

Holmes: Talk to him, he will settle it all”

———

he doesn’t, dave trys to IM him, but he doesn’t respond

 

#5930: Sprivenx -> Holmes

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the series Sprivenx Needs Help

Holmes:

ok basically this started with a friend online telling me she got a random IM from someone who asked her for help on a t.v. show. I told her to tell the guy who needed help my screen name…and so, here we are!!!!!!!

———

Sprivenx: hi

Sprivenx: somone said u can help me

Holmes: sure i’ll help, i’m the most helpful guy you’ll ever meet

Sprivenx: Invader Zim is going off the air and i need help so u can put it back on the air or somthing!

Holmes: ok

Holmes: i can do that

Sprivenx: how?

Sprivenx: Arts and Entertainment – Protest Invader Zim

Holmes: i have….lets say….connections

Sprivenx: asl

Holmes: 43/m/Arizona

Sprivenx: can u do that?

Holmes: my connections are universal…i’m a very…well known person

Holmes: in the secret respect

Sprivenx: Yaaay!

Sprivenx: so how can u put it back on the air?

Holmes: when i tell someone to jump, they ask “how high”

Holmes: well i’ll have my people go and meet the people of invader zim

Sprivenx: They were gonna make more episodes of IZ

Holmes: this conversation will involve the use of bloody knuckles and threats…

Sprivenx: But nick said No:(

Holmes: thats terrible

Sprivenx: that show made me who i am today!

Holmes: invader zim is almost like a classic

Sprivenx: you have to help me!

Holmes: wow

Holmes: really?

Sprivenx: yes!!

Sprivenx: [ grabs holems by the cloak and falls ]: plz help me and my friends!

Sprivenx: holms*

Sprivenx: holmes*

Holmes: some people would call you a looser or a stupid ass, but not me…i call you a hero

Sprivenx: stupid ass?

Sprivenx: why the hell why?

Holmes: i don’t know

Holmes: people are wierd todat

Holmes: today*

Sprivenx: i know

Holmes: i mean some people pretend that they are someone like me, big and important, over the internet…can you believe that

Holmes: anyways were jumping off topic

Sprivenx: so how long would this process take?

Holmes: oh not long, i mean if you threaten to cut off someone’s…”jewels” they tend to jump 10 feet higher, run 10 mph faster and do things 10 times better

Sprivenx: lol

Sprivenx: wow

Holmes: yeah

Holmes: trust me

Holmes: i would know

Holmes: but, in return you must do a favor for me when i call upon you again

Sprivenx: waht?

Holmes: nevermind

Holmes: when the time comes, we will discuss it

Sprivenx: Just tell me!

Holmes: well, in todays common world, when one does one a favor, they usually do a favor in return, if you understand my kabowlee’s

Sprivenx: like….waht?

Holmes: don’t worry about the word kabowlee’s, it’s just a fancy word us people use to sound big anfd important

Holmes: well, right now a favor i plan on asking is non-existant, that is why i will discuss it with you at a later time

Sprivenx: Ok…?

Holmes: i may be using words you do not understand yet

Holmes: so i will put it plain and simple

Sprivenx: im only 12

Holmes: oh

Holmes: i honestly couldn’t tell

Holmes: you sound so mature for your age

Sprivenx: i do?

Holmes: you maybe be 12 on the outside, but your brain tells me you have the intelligence of a 20 year old

Sprivenx: im usually like this when somthing like this happens

Holmes: i can understand your pain…invader zim is just…so….wghats the word you yougin’s use? “radical”?

Sprivenx: Huh?

Holmes: nevermind

Sprivenx: i never say “Radical”

Holmes: oh

Sprivenx: thats retarded

Holmes: i was informed…i mean told…that “radical” was the word of the day for the cool people…my mistake

Sprivenx: kinda

Sprivenx: but not fer me

Holmes: oh it’s ok, you don’t have to be cool if you don’t want to…kids fail to realize that being cool is a decision

Sprivenx: im not that kinda “Cool”

Holmes: ahh i see…

Holmes: when i was young i was considered cool

Sprivenx: so what r u gonna do now?

Holmes: well i’m going to call my…”family” member Bubba “Wanker” Jones and he will call Rex “Massacre” Mahoney and he will call Johnny “Hooligan” Hooligan and they will mastricate the ferdidions at the production center when they produce “Invader Zim”

Holmes: in simple terms

Holmes: we will fix the problem

Sprivenx: kewl

Sprivenx: so waht do u want from me?

Sprivenx: just tell me

Holmes: I don’t know yet, sonny

Sprivenx: your freakin me out here

Sprivenx: i dont know u

Holmes: listen kid, relax

Holmes: are you relaxed?

Holmes: RELAX!!!!!

Sprivenx: no not really

Sprivenx: sheesh calm down

Holmes: I’M ALWAYS CALM!!!!!!!

Sprivenx: it sure doesnt look it

Holmes: oh silly me i left the caps on

Holmes: you know cap lock

Sprivenx: YES

Sprivenx: I THINK SO

Sprivenx: i dunno maybe i can

Holmes: hey…don’t forget who your talking to…don’t EVER yell at me!

Sprivenx: i wasnt yelling

Holmes: oh

Sprivenx: SEE?

Holmes: i see

Holmes: i see you writing see

Sprivenx: IF I WERE YELLING I WOULD HAVE EXCLAMATION PTS

Sprivenx: but i dont

Holmes: oh an important listen in the typing science

Holmes: lesson*

Holmes: anyways

Holmes: I will contact you in due time to let you know the progress of this action

Holmes: in short terms

Holmes: bye, i’ll talk to you later

Sprivenx: bye

Holmes: sily me, we never say bye in our organization, we say kilimop, it’s a word used to say see you later

Holmes: so KILIMOP!

Sprivenx: Ok?

Sprivenx: Kilimop

Holmes: kilimop

Sprivenx: whatever that is

Holmes: listen kid i already told you, don’t make me repeat myself

Holmes: so kilimop

Sprivenx: ok….

Sprivenx: kilimop

 

#5928: Holmes -> LechuZaAa / Axiom -> Holmes / LKNIGHT -> Holmes

These people never heard of the Berenstein Bears…so it’s not as funny as it could have been if they did know…these three are either the same person, or they’re all friends…

————–

Holmes: Hello

LechuZaAa: ………..?

Holmes: I said…Hello…don’t act like you didn’t hear me

LechuZaAa: uh huh who r u

Holmes: I am from the BB family organization, they have instructed me that you have not payed there protection dues

LechuZaAa: hah or not

LechuZaAa: good bye

Holmes: wait

Holmes: This is johnny right?

LechuZaAa: noooooooooo

Holmes: damnit

Holmes: the BB is gonna kill me, i gotta find johnny!

LechuZaAa: yeap, you do that

Holmes: can you help? do you know a johnny?

LechuZaAa: no

Holmes: i’m dead….I’M DEAD! help me please!!! hide me!

LechuZaAa: right

LechuZaAa: uh huh

Holmes: i gotta find johnny before the BB finds me…

Holmes: there watching…every move i make,…

Holmes: as son as they find me i’ll be sleeping with the fishes

Holmes: and you don’t care?

LechuZaAa: why should i…… lol…… i don’t know you

Holmes: i see how it is…

Holmes: oh what a cruel world we live in

LechuZaAa: mhmmm

Holmes: the berenstein bear mafia is very deadly, have you heard of them?

LechuZaAa: no

Holmes: oh…

LechuZaAa: lol

Holmes: it’s not a laughing matter, man!

Holmes: my life is at stake

LechuZaAa: okay

Holmes: ok…what would you do if a mafia was after you?

LechuZaAa: sit there…….

Holmes: hmm good idea…then?

LechuZaAa: sleep

Holmes: …

LechuZaAa: so, would you like to tell me who you really are?

Holmes: hmm

Holmes: not really

LechuZaAa: uh huh

LechuZaAa: okay

LechuZaAa: good luck with that “bb” thing

LechuZaAa: bye

Holmes: thanks

Holmes: i’ll die happy…bye

————–

Axiom: sleep, it’ll make the mafia’s hunt easier

Holmes: i bet it will

Axiom: have fun

Holmes: oh i will have fun at dieing

Axiom: so who is this

Holmes: dieing is always fun

Holmes: a person

Axiom: good answer

Holmes: so vague…

Holmes: but so true…

Axiom: just some random guy

Holmes: yeah

————–

LKNIGHT: are you alright?

Holmes: am i alright? of course

Holmes: are you alright?

LKNIGHT: that’s good.

LKNIGHT: yeah

Holmes: thats good…were both alright

LKNIGHT: so, who are you , might i ask

LKNIGHT: yeah

Holmes: i’m just a person

LKNIGHT: my friend told me to say hi

LKNIGHT: so i did

Holmes: hmm

LKNIGHT: yeah

Holmes: anyways

Holmes: do you know the BB family organization?

LKNIGHT: no..should i? if so, enlighten me.

Holmes: the berenstein bear mafia, there…like…deadly

LKNIGHT: nice…

LKNIGHT: where did you find out about this?

Holmes: eh it’s not a big secret

LKNIGHT: well, no big surprise, i’m always the last to find out about things

LKNIGHT: so, who are you…

Holmes: some random guy

LKNIGHT: really… not that random

Holmes: very random

Holmes: i found your friend on member directory

Holmes: i was bored what can i say

LKNIGHT: i doubt that you are more random than me, but…

LKNIGHT: my friend… krispy?

Holmes: yeah