BAD: Your wife wants a divorce.
WORSE: She’s a lawyer.
All posts by davepoobond
Joke #5347
BAD: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
WORSE: As a sacrifice.
Joke #5346
BAD: Your husband’s a cross dresser.
WORSE: He looks better than you.
Joke #5345
BAD: Your children are sexually active.
WORSE: With each other.
Joke #5344
BAD: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
WORSE: You’re in it.
Joke #5343
BAD: You can’t find your vibrator.
WORSE: Your daughter “borrowed” it.
Joke #5265
There is a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they are running from the police. They run into an alley.
The brunette jumps into a box, the redhead jumps behind a trash can and the blonde jumps into an old potato sack.
The cops come down the alley. They kick the box and the brunette goes “ARF ARF!!” “oh, it’s just an old dog.” the policeman says.
Then they kick the trash can and the redhead goes “MEOW!!” “oh, it’s just an old cat” the policman says.
Then they kick the potato sack and the blonde yells “POTATO POTATO POTATO!!!!!”
Joke #5263
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that won the gold medal at the olympics?
A: She had it bronzed.
Joke #5262
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everybody’s been in a 747
Joke #5261: Little Mary
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school; usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary did not stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good.” and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” but, Mary did not even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
Joke #5260: Do the Screw
It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool,” says Bobby. Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.
“Oh yeah,” says Carries father, “our Carrie really loves to screw. She’d screw all night if we’d let her!”
Well, this makes Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
Joke #5259: Hercules, Snow White & Quasimodo
Hercules, Snow White & Quasimodo were all having lunch together.
Hercules said, “I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can i be sure?”
Snow White agreed, “I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder.”
Quasimodo said, “I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest human alive but I’ve never had it confirmed.”
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night & ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest & quasimodo was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Hercules walked up with a smile.
“Well, it’s true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world.”
Snow White perked up & said, “And I now know for sure that I’m the fairest, for God confirmed it.”
But Quasimodo lifted his sad face & said. “Who is Linda Tripp?”
Joke #5258: Fired!
A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen”, said the CEO, “this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly”, said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help.
He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent! Excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
“I need two copies of that.”
Joke #5257: William Shakespere
William Shakespeare dies and goes to heaven. There he meets St. Peter, who asks him “what is your name and what were you in the past life?” Shakespeare says, “I’m William Shakespeare and I was a poet.”
At the same time, a scottish poet, Robbie Burns dies, and he goes to heaven. St. Peter asks him, “what is your name and what were you in your past life?” Burns says, “I’m Robbie Burns and I was a poet.”
St. Peter then says “well, we only have room for one poet in heaven, so we will have a contest! Whoever can write a better poem, gets in! The topic will be Timbuctoo, and you will both have one hour to complete the poems.” So after one hour, they come back, and Shakespeare goes first,
“As I walk across the golden sands, as I walk across the golden land, a great big ship comes in to view, It’s destination Timbuctoo.”
St. Peter says, “Okay, now we will hear Burns’ poem”
Burns says, “As Tim and I a walking went, we saw three damsels by a tent, as they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two!”
Joke #5256: Blue Cross
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me… do you still have intercourse?”
“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out to the reception room and said: ” Morris do we still have intercourse?”
Morris answered impatiently… “If I told you once I told you a thousand times…We have Blue Cross!!”