kanuj – v. to make a fart noise by blowing into your hands
All posts by davepoobond
geedaneuu
geedaneuu – n. a noise that makes your balls shrink/clitoris retract
Joke #9380
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down.
Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, “I don’t understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run…”
The physicist interrupted him: “…but you didn’t take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning…”
“…so if you’re so hot why are you broke?” asked the engineer. But before the argument had a chance to grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
“Well,” he says, between puffs on the pipe, “first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical…”
Joke #9379
In a foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens — he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention — so he’s let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade. He claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime, and so he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem……”
Joke #9378
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, “A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution.”
The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, “This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd.”
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, “I define myself to be on the outside!”
Joke #9377
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
Joke #9376
Did you hear about the statistics professor who drowned in a pool which had an average depth of 30 cm?
Joke #9375
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.The Physicist: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The Biologist: “They have reproduced”.
The Mathematician: “If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again.”
Quote #9374
“The POP3 server service depends on the SMTP server service, which failed to start because of the following error:
‘The operation completed successfully.'”
– Windows NT Server v3.51
How Software Developers are Like Drug Dealers
Drug Dealers |
Software Developers |
| Refer to their clients as “users”. | Refer to their clients as “users”. |
| “The first one’s free!” | “Download a free trial version…” |
| Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff). | Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code). |
| Strange jargon: “Stick,” “Rock,” “Dime bag,” “E”. | Strange jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,” “Java,” “ISDN”. |
| Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. | Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. |
| Job is assisted by the industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes. | Job is assisted by the industry’s producing newer, faster machines. |
| Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. | Often seen in the company marketing people and venture capitalists. |
| Their product causes unhealthy addictions. | DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. ‘Nuff said. |
| Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. | Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! |
Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
A few beers short of a six pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky’s kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
Google April Fools Day Links
These are the links to all of the Google April Fools Day jokes. They’re pretty funny. If I’m missing one, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll add it to the list.
2013
Find Treasure with Google Maps
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2012
Google AdWords Click-To-Teleport
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2011
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2010
Standard Voice Mail mode for Google Voice
Chrome Sounds (Google Chrome Addon)
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2009
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2008
Google Book Search Scratch and Sniff
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2007
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2006
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2005
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2004
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2003
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2002
Topologically
Solid ball
Hollow ball
Crayon
Comb
Saucer
House key
Coffee cup
Wedding ring
Hammer
Screwdriver
Thimble
Sewing needle
Orange
Teaspoon
Brick
All Values of X
Angle 1 is a right angle
Angle 1 is an obtuse angle
Angle 1 is an acute angle
The triangle is isosceles
No triangle is possible
The Polygon Poem
Two equilateral triangles
Two right triangles
Two isosceles triangles
Two scalene triangles
Two squares
Two rectangles
Two rhombuses
Two isosceles trapezoids
Two regular hexagons
Two regular polygons
A right triangle and an acute triangle
An isosceles triangle and a scalene triangle
A right triangle and a scalene triangle
An equilateral triangle and an equiangular triangle