Q: Why do mother birds vomit into their chicks’ mouths?
A: They hate to send them out without a hot breakfast.
All posts by davepoobond
Time is Relative
It all depends on how you spend it. When you’re having a bad time, a minute seems more like an hour. And when you’re having a good time, an hour seems more like a minute.
The ten years between 8 and 18 seem to pass more slowly than a snail, but the ten years between 25 and 35 zip past like a hare with a hot foot.
Driving your mother two blocks to the store seems to take forever, but driving your girlfriend 20 miles back to her house after a date doesn’t take long enough.
The 24 hours of a work day drag second by second, but the 24 hours of a Saturday are gone in the time it takes to wind your watch.
The half-hour you spend studying seems more like two hours, but the two hours you spend parked in front of the TV set seem more like a half-hour.
A two-hour date with an ugly girl is too long, but a four-hour date with a pretty girl is too short.
And How’s Business?
“My business is looking better,” said the optometrist.
“My business is down in the dumps,” said the garbage man.
“Mine is rolling in dough,” said the baker.
“Mine is slow,” said the turtle salesman.
“My business is for the birds,” said the pet store owner.
“My business has sunk to a new low,” said the deep-sea diver.
“My business is turning sour,” said the pickle salesman.
“Mine is going up,” said the elevator operator.
“My business is sick,” said the doctor.
Joke #10763
My German Shepherd has a superiority complex. Yesterday I lay down on the couch and he hit me on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Joke #10762
New Jersey is the “buildingest” state in the Union. Apartment complexes go up so fast, it’s not safe to nap in your own backyard. You could wake up under a parking lot.
Joke #10761
New York must be the nerve center of the country. It keeps giving Washington a pain in the neck.
Joke #10760
The only aliens who visit Earth are ones who lose campaign bets.
Joke #10759
Never believe a gypsy fortune teller who has to listen to weather forecasts.
Joke #10758
Reporter: “Stop the presses, stop the presses!”
Editor: “You have a big story?”
Reporter: “No, but I left my lunch on one of them this morning.”
Joke #10757
Bachelor: “I’ll have you know girls tear their hair to go out with me.”
Bachelorette: “That’s fine, if you happen to like bald-headed girls.”
Joke #10756
Bill: “I was in bed with 102 last night.”
Sill: “Wow! It must’ve been very crowded.”
Joke #10755: Who’s That Knocking At My Door?
Another knock came at my door. “Who is it?” I asked.
“Captain Ahab,” someone called.
Turning toward the door, I cried, “Ah, shove off, mate!”
Joke #10754: Who’s That Knocking At My Door?
A knock came at my door.
“Who’s there?” I called.
“King Kong,” someone shouted.
Hearing that, I went ape!
Joke #10753: Who’s That Knocking At My Door?
A knock came at our door. “Who is it?” I asked.
A gruff voice replied, “It’s Jack the Ripper.”
I turned to my wife and said, “It’s for you, dear.”
About an hour later there was another knock at my door. “Who’s there?” I shouted.
The caller replied, “Jack the Ripper.”
Smiling, I called, “Sorry, I already gave.”
Joke #10752
Talk about rotten luck. Last year I won a lifetime supply of salt water taffy and the very next day I had to have all my teeth pulled out.