Joke #18605

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter’s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

“The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, “Okay, A minus.”

 

The Backpack Without Straps

Once upon a time, there was a backpack without straps. It was bought by a little boy named Johnny. Little Johnny loved the backpack and didn’t care if it didn’t have straps. Little Johnny carried the backpack to school every day and the kids there laughed at him and picked on him. After a while, the backpack grew tired of this. So one night, the backpack grew straps.

When little Johnny woke up, he was so happy to see his backpack had straps, that he hugged the backpack. The backpack hugged him back but got his straps all tangled up behind the boy’s back.

The morning went by and little Johnny tugged and pulled but the backpack wasn’t coming off. Little Johnny’s mom said that he should go to school like that. So, reluctantly little Johnny went to school with the backpack tied around his waist. At first some kids thought it was weird and made fun of little Johnny, but then they thought it was kinda cool. His friends thought it was weird but little Johnny just ignored them.

Soon everyone but little Johnny’s friends thought this idea was really cool and started copying him. Little Johnny was praised by the school but his friends just kept carrying their backpack the “normal” way. Little Johnny threatened to beat the friends up and never talk to them again if they didn’t follow his style. The friends gave up and started wearing their backpacks around their waist.

Little Johnny was happier then ever and the backpack was just holding onto his waist. Little Johnny went to sleep and woke up with the backpack around his waist. The backpack didn’t get much sleep and neither did little Johnny, because it was very uncomfortable to sleep like that. Months went by and little Johnny wasn’t getting much sleep and his grades were showing it. He became fixated with being cool and sacrificed his sleeping hours just to be cool. The backpack was getting mighty tired, too.

One night while the boy was half asleep, the backpack stretched out it’s straps and the straps magically untied themselves. The backpack slowly crept away from little Johnny and fell sleep under his bed. The next morning, little Johnny woke up to a shock. Little Johnny searched for his backpack and found it, sound asleep, under his bed. Little Johnny tried to tie it behind his back but the backpack was too tired to hold on, so it kept falling off. Little Johnny grew angry and slid the backpack on his shoulders.

As he walked to school, the backpack didn’t have enough strength to hold the zipper shut and slowly opened up. Little Johnny’s book’s fell out all over the ground.

Little Johnny was too concerned at what the kids would say when they would find out he didn’t have the backpack around his waist to listen to the sound of his books falling. When little Johnny got to school, the kids didn’t even notice. Little Johnny’s friends didn’t care either. It was like Little Johnny was invisible. He was relieved but he went to class and found out all his books were missing! Little Johnny grew so angry that when he went home, he threw his backpack in the corner to never use it again.

The backpack felt lonely after a couple of nights and magically removed his straps! The next day little Johnny was so happy and he carried his backpack to school. Little Johnny’s friends started talking to little Johnny again and little Johnny felt happy.

They removed their straps from around their waist. Little Johnny and his backpack had there own secret straps attached to each another, it’s just you couldn’t see it. They lived happily ever after.

 

Joke #5223: In Your Dreams

A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man’s eyes. Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” she asks. “We have a wonderful life together and I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?”

He says, “Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?” “Sure,” she says, “if it’ll help.” He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on. “Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?” he asks. “Whatever you want, sweetie,” she says, and does so.

Then he says, “Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?” She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, “Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!”

 

Joke #5221: All Wrapped Up

For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, “Honey! I’m in the living room.”

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”

 

Joke #5217: In-Flight Chat

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.”

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.”

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, “Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.”