descono – n. a homeless shelter only for rich people
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply “XX”.
Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.
He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. “Mr. Schwartz,” said the banker, “I need to ask you about this check. We weren’t sure you had really signed it. All these years you’ve been signing your checks ‘XX’, but we just got one that was signed with three XXX’s…”
Mr. Schwartz answered, “No problem, my friend. It’s just that since I’ve become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.”
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients. You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here’s a list of suggestions:
– Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
– Join every free banner exchange.
– Get your own free-for-all links page.
– Hire a bulk emailer.
– Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
“we’re gonna be so rich we’ll hire an Eskimo to sit on your face”
– from a movie. Don’t know what this is from.
TEX: “Down home, we brand our cattle!”
REX: “We’re so rich, we have ours monogrammed.”
filthy rich – adj. having wall-to-wall carpet on your sidewalk and driveway
;} getting all the strenuous exercise you need just from lifting your wallet
;} having a bank book fatter than a phone book
;} to be watching the Joneses go broke trying to keep up with you
;} to be rich enough to tip a mugger who robs you
;} to be never worrying about losing your wallet because you carry a spare
;} to be getting gangrene from counting your money
Did you hear about the rich Texan who just bought his kids some blocks to play with? The blocks are from 47th Street down to 42nd Street.
nincompoop – n. a rich kid who really believes that the school bully is going to pay back the money he borrowed from him
Girls, don’t worry about an individual retirement plan. Marry a rich man.
I have a friend who’s so rich, it’s disgusting! When his car runs out of gas, he throws it away and buys a new one.
Talk about rich. I know a tennis pro who’s so wealthy, he hires someone to jump over the net for him at the end of games.
We read in the newspaper about a baseball player who’s so rich, he hired a guy to warm up for him before a game.
The richest family in town has a dog who’s so fussy, he eats nothing but imported dog food.
Then there was the rich poodle who didn’t bury his bones. He kept them in a burial vault.
Did you hear about the poodle who was so rich that his master hired a mutt to chase cats for him?