Joke #18674

The fragrance department of a major New York City store where I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet.

One day, outside the store’s restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman commented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied, “The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off.”

“See!” her friend chided. “I told you not to have that second drink.”

 

Joke #18609

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

“You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”

“Easy,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”

 

Joke #18575

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, gerry! Where do you think you are?”

The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.

“Oh, nothing really,” he said with a heavy accent, “I just realized you actually came here for the food!”

 

Joke #18520

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.

He said, “Ah’l go down raht now.” So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, “May I help you, sir?”

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, “Would you like two Playtex?”

He answered, “Ah’d luv ta little lady, but mah wife’s a’waitin fur me up in the room.”

 

Joke #18430

A New York judge is ready to go through the day’s business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: “Quick…get me a translator.”

Translator shows up and the judge says: “Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?”

The translator says: “Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?”

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: “Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I’ve come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University.”

The translator turns to the judge and says: “Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford.”

 

Joke #18424

A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two daughters to the University of California’s Los Angeles campus in the hope that they would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out their apathy. He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient Egyptian plumbing.

He immediately sent them a telegram which read, “Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!”

 

Joke #18075

We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer.

As we approached the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. Could we pass as urban
sophisticates?

The maitre d’ met us at the door, all smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to look over the cozy little bar and anticipate the charming basket of pastry that was our appetizer. Then the maitre d’ returned to our group, gingerly holding a fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my coat sleeve.

“Madam,” he said, “Your Bounce.”

 

Quote #14812

“The Barney and BJ names and characters and the overlapping dino spots and Barney and star logos are trademarks of Lyons Partnership, L.P. Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off. The Baby Bop name and character are trademarks of Lyons Partnership, L.P. Published by Scholastic Inc., 555 Broadway, New York, New York 10012 under license with Lyons Partnership, L.P. ”

– from the Internet