edreiplarenegolrop – n. a law office that has a difficult time finding a computer
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service agent: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economist: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers representative: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.
While in the Navy my primary duty was to sight guns.
Wanting to move up in the military, I went to law school and applied for the Judge Advocate General’s Corps. My hopes of being a Navy lawyer were shot down, however, when I was rejected.
It seems I suffered from poor vision.
Q: How is a tailor like a lawyer?
A: They both press your suit.
LAWYER: “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
PRISONER: “What’s the bad news?”
LAWYER: “They’re still going to electrocute you at sunrise.”
PRISONER: “What’s the good news?”
LAWYER: “I got the voltage reduced.”
Q: What show features cabbage-head lawyers on the West Coast?
A: “L.A. Slaw.”
Q: How do lawyers buy food?
A: By the case!
“little lawyer notes”
– Miss Canoffat
A man was convicted of robbery and sentenced to ten years in jail.
His attorney visited him soon afterwards in his cell and told him, “now listen, don’t worry about a thing. I’m going to get you a new trial. I’ve got new evidence. We’ll get a change of venue. I’m getting you a complete new deal and you’ll be free. Just don’t worry about a thing. In the meantime, if you get a chance, try to escape.”
Joe Smith is a con man. I’d never trust him. Before I’d agree to one of his deals, I’d see a lawyer. And if the lawyer approved of the deal, I’d see another lawyer.
LAWYER: “Where were you on the night of December 24th?”
DEFENDANT: “Up at the North Pole helping Santa Claus.”
You have to watch out for lawyers who can’t pass the bar… without stopping in for a martini.
LADY: “Tell me, if I took out a million dollars worth of life insurance on my husband he died the next day, what would I get?”
A man was charged with robbing a jewelry store and asked a young lawyer to defend him.
“I’ll handle your case,” said the attorney, “if you swear to me that you’re innocent and agree to pay my three-hundred-dollar fee.”
The rook thought for a minute, then said, “Will you do it for a hundred dollars and a pair of diamond earrings?”
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?