Joke #9187

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about.  After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.

“It’s just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I’ll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink.”

His friends at work agree: “Why don’t you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else.”

He looks at them, stunned: “You know, you’re probably right, but I just can’t give up the glamour of show business!”

 

Joke #8984

A lion spots a monkey walking through the jungle. He grabs him by the neck and roars “Who’s the king of the jungle?”

The frightened monkey says, “You are, of course, your majesty.”

The lion does this to several other animals, with the same results. Then the lion goes up to an elephant, grabs him by the trunk and roars, “Who’s the king of the jungle?”

The elephant picks the lion up with his trunk, bounces him a few times on the ground, grabs his tail, twirls the lion around over his head, and then lets him go flying into a mud puddle.

The lion looks up at the elephant and says, “Well, if you don’t know the answer, just say so!”

A couple of zoologists decided to give a lion a cell phone in order to keep track of his whereabouts. Unfortunately, whenever they tried to call, the lion was busy!

 

A (stupid) Story

As told by Ms. Signs.

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I was trying to cross the dance floor to the phone, but getting through the crowd was like trying to part the Red Sea. Since I’m more of a Woody Allen than a David Robinson, I decided to give peace a chance and wait for a while. Suddenly, I saw a virtual Mel Gibson who looked lost. I decided to play the Good Samaritan and go help him out. I hoped he wouldn’t see me as the Elephant Man’s Twin sister or something. Unfortunately, these Beavis and Butthead characters started trying to talk to me and they wouldn’t go away. it was like I was Linda Hamilton in “The Terminator.” They kept staring at me as if I were dressed like Madonna. One of them was even wearing a hat like Gilligan! By the time I ditched them, the Mel Gibson character had pulled a Jimmy Hoffa.

 

The Bar War

“I am a drug addict. This is my story.” I was sitting in my one room apartment, because I spent all my money on drugs. I just finished smiffing some crack when the crack demons appered! There were three green ones. They tryed to stabb me with there pitch forks. “Pinkie, HELP!!!!” I yelled and drank a six-pack quickly. Suddenly I heard a elephant call and my trusty pink elephant Pinkie ran in. He grabbed one demon with his trunk and choked it while he smashed the other 2 with his massive front legs. He tipped his hat to me and we went to the bar together for a drink.

The moral of the story-Don’t do crack,drink! Oh, and don’t try this at home this can only be done by drug induced hallucinations…so go get some!

 

Joke #5236: A Woman’s Wreck

A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes officer, I’m just fine!” the woman chirped.”Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the woman began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was …”

“Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off… “there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”