Tahira: Echoes of the Astral Empire (PC) Review

Developer/Publisher: Whale Hammer Games || Overall: 6.5

Tahira: Echoes of the Astral Empire is a small spin on the world of tactical turn-based strategy games.  Through its unique art style, story takes the forefront with gameplay taking a bit of a backseat.  While the gameplay itself can be engaging at times, its mostly a slow and plodding chore **exasperated whinny.**

We follow the protagonist Tahira, a 20-something-year old who looks like she is in her early 60’s — she has white hair and wrinkles and wears an old lady’s robe.  Tahira, and her friend Iba, will encounter many-a-dangerous situation in the fallout from the destruction of their home of Avestan by an invading army.  Iba, who could be Mr. Ed’s progenitor (or possibly evolved ancestor), is an overly-expressive horse, who apparently loves olives **excited whinny** and won’t let genocide or his friends being murdered keep him from enjoying those damn olives **not-so-remorseful whinny.**  While Iba isn’t a playable character, he makes his appearances occasionally during the story sequences as a minor character.

Tahira: EotAE tells the story of the first night of a war between what is old and what is new.  In a post-apocalyptic (kinda sci-fi) medieval setting, a large army rallies around the idea of the foregone Astral Empire, a once star-spanning empire humans created.  The new Astral Empire decides to invade all other kingdoms/city-states, taking no prisoners in their brutal imperialism.  Tahira, a princess of the city-state Avestan, and daughter of one of the important figures of this planet’s history, must re-assume her role as her father disappears without a trace due to the invasion.  And so unfolds the scenario.

The game will teach you, slowly, about the tactics and abilities of the characters you’ll be using.  Every battle is in advance of the plot and has something new to teach you, so it keeps the levels from being too samey and you’ll never play “extra” missions either.  During battles, turn cycles are interesting as your units are “grouped” together and will take alternating turns with the enemy’s groups.  Since all of the battles are of very large scale, you’ll be taking on 10 to 20 enemies in one battle, and more will keep coming in sequential phases of the same battle.  You will have control over approximately the same amount of characters as well but, other than the Heroes, your ranks will be filled with generic solider-types that mimic the hero unit.  Using the unit groups strategically is important to minimizing your losses, and most of your units are a bit overpowered compared to your enemies.  It becomes necessary to quickly chew through as many enemies as possible to mitigate any future losses.

The tactics aren’t too out of the ordinary or even that complex when it comes to your strategy, but there are some interesting aspects.  Health pools are split into “Health” and “Guard;”  Health is not regenerative, but Guard is and can be recovered by special tiles on the map or by using a special action.  Special actions are limited by a resource called “Will.”  Characters regain Will by killing enemies, and can use powerful abilities to vanquish foes with skills that use Will.  Different unit types have different special abilities and they all mix in to your repertoire of strategy to fell your foes.  Some units are able to string together kills, hit multiple characters in a straight line, stun, do knockbacks, and more.  Possibly the most unique mechanic is Ambush.  Ambush can be used to disrupt your enemy’s plans by popping out your units from an Ambush point and killing the enemy at opportune times.  These are considered “stealth” turns by the game and happen outside of the planned turn cycle.

It can be a challenge to enjoy actually playing Tahira: EotAE, as it primarily tells its story through a cinematic approach and leaves the gameplay elements to the wayside in helping the story along.  The story basically pauses itself for pesky gameplay and you almost feel like you are wasting your time until you get through the battle at hand.  An example of a good mix of gameplay and story to move a game’s narrative along is X-COM: Enemy Unknown — the base-building and gameplay progression actually feeds into the game’s story along the way.  Unfortunately, a missed opportunity comes as there is no overall progression in Tahira: EotAE; no overlying gameplay system that rewards you when you defeat enemies or battles is present.  Your only impetus to do well is to minimize your losses in the beginning phases of a battle so the later phases can have more units, at which point you can more easily continue on with the story.  You feel like you are playing a new game of Chess each battle, and nothing you’ve done as a whole will help you in the future.  Nor is there any sort of talent system for Tahira herself to at least feel like you are taking a part in her gaining power.  Of course, you could just say “fuck it” and literally skip all of the combat by opening the menu and clicking the option to do so — yes, this is actually in the game.

At a few points you’ll enter an “exploration” mode where it becomes a bit of a normal RPG, talking to recurring characters and seeing the finer details of what is going on.  There is also a lot of opportunity for witty banter and interesting story bits, but there’s not a whole lot of different places where this occurs or anything “hidden” to find as far as I could tell.  There are also dialogue trees that seem to have little to no effect on the way the story ends in this episode.  By the way, it is clear to see that the game is meant to be an episodic series with the way the story ends.  There is no final resolution to any of the conflicts set up, and we are left with more questions than answers about what we experience.  All in all, the game will last around 10 to 15 hours depending on how well you do during the fights and what challenge level you decide to play on.  Or it can last about 30 minutes and you can skip all of the battles and just read through the story.

The shining aspect of Tahira: EotAE comes with its atmospheric music and wonderful art and animation.  The art has a very unique look to it and the animation of the units are fluidly motion captured.  The hand-drawn style of the game is a great look that makes it look more like a storybook and in turn more like fantasy.  Character designs are also interesting, more or less.  While voice acting isn’t really needed in every game, I can’t help but feel that since the idea was for the game to be cinematic that it should have paired some voice acting to the characters to get more of an attachment to their emotions.  Also, don’t be surprised when you see a couple of random F-bomb-equivalent words dropped in the dialogue.  They were “intriguing” when they did happen, but just end up sort of being needless since it only happens a few times.  I’m not one to complain about cursing usually, but they shouldn’t have restrained themselves if they were going to jump over that hurdle.  The main character definitely should have screamed “FUUUUUUCCKKKKKK!!!!” at some point.  Why the fuck not?

Tahira: EotAE is probably not going to impress seasoned strategy gamers just on its gameplay alone.  While some interesting aspects are introduced in the gameplay, they are not enough to help you stay engaged in wanting to complete the game “the long way.”  Because the battles are so long and there are so many enemies, you’ll feel like the game is very slow.  With no way to progress your troops, there will be very little reason to put up with any of it.  If a series of games is the plan, we’ll probably get an interesting story but not much else.

 

 

The 20 Dollar Issue

This entry is part 26 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A customer said that he placed 20 dollars and some change on the counter for a mug.  The total of the transaction was about 10.79 for the travel mug (which looks like it was a 9.99 mug).

When the cashier rung up the mug and began to bag it, the cashier turned away and then the money was no longer there.  The cashier turned to see that only 80 cents was there.

The customer claimed to me personally that he had “handed” her the first bill.  This did not jive with the security footage as we did not see him place any bill in her hand directly, and only saw him place things on the counter, which may or may not have included the bill in question.

The cashier said she seemed to think the customer had placed the 20 back into his pocket only to take it out again and place it on the counter, but she wasn’t entirely sure.

My take on it, is if that he had somehow put the 20 back into his pocket before he started putting change on the counter, it’s possible that ALL of his hand motions directly motioning to the counter might not be any bills at all, but only the coins after he was digging through his pockets.  I know for sure that it didn’t seem like he handed her anything directly.

As an aside, the cashier mentioned that the guy had exchanged a shirt that he had “won” earlier that day with a clothing rep for an even exchange with no money.  This all happened at about 6:20 pm.

At closing, 7:00 pm, he said he essentially wanted to take the mug without paying for it because he was “out 20 dollars.”  I told him we couldn’t let anything out of the store without it being paid for, so he eventually agreed to give me his information and his name, and then he bought the mug “again.”  I told him prior to this that we were gonna have an officer come by and help with the situation because I didn’t want to question the cashier out in the open or anything like that and make the guy mad.  He said he had to go, at which point he paid for the mug.

I had another cashier count out that register, just to make sure no conflict of interest arose.  The customer had basically agreed that the register hadn’t opened at all, plus I never saw it open on the video, so there’s that, as well.

What ended up happening after all of this, was my manager basically met the customer halfway and offered a 20 dollar gift card for the store that was to be picked up by his daughter.  I never heard anything more about it getting picked up after a couple of times of asking if it ever was, and it wasn’t.

 

#23298: chewy17171717 -> davepoobond

chewy17171717: hahhah i like your profile it matches mine

davepoobond: reallllly

chewy17171717: ya

chewy17171717: isn’t that so cool

chewy17171717: r u from china

davepoobond: definitely

chewy17171717: ?

davepoobond: oh yes i’m chinese

chewy17171717: what part

davepoobond: the place they speak mandarin

chewy17171717: hahah me too

chewy17171717: what part

davepoobond: coool

davepoobond: the place where they sell the fish frying in deep oil

chewy17171717: so what r u doin tonight

davepoobond: i’m going to jack off

davepoobond: what about you

chewy17171717: hey i have a kid in a room

davepoobond: a room?

davepoobond: what do you do with this kid in a room

chewy17171717: no my kid

chewy17171717: i um take care of it

chewy17171717: u perv its my kid

davepoobond: really?

chewy17171717: ok anyway

davepoobond: wait a seconddd

chewy17171717: actually i live in hong konk

chewy17171717: kong

davepoobond: your profile says you’re 14 and you go to catholic school

davepoobond: how can you have a kid

chewy17171717: i did like 3 weeks ago

chewy17171717: i need somone else to help me out

chewy17171717: like a father

davepoobond: and you think you’ll find one online

davepoobond: i getchya

chewy17171717: will u

chewy17171717: no im jk

chewy17171717: her name is Laurel

chewy17171717: i hate catholic skewls

chewy17171717: its so devestating

davepoobond: actually, i wouldn’t mind being your husband

chewy17171717: is your name dave

davepoobond: i’m 42, and have a decent job

davepoobond: yes i am

chewy17171717: really

chewy17171717: ooo u arn’t the pervert in the 17 magazine

chewy17171717: r u

davepoobond: no. i think he’s my cousin though

davepoobond: i’m a subscriber to it

davepoobond: i get every issue

chewy17171717: really have u read the recent one

davepoobond: i usually jack off to it everyday at 7:36 PM

davepoobond: no i haven’t

chewy17171717: what r the magazines about

davepoobond: i was going to open it at 7:33:23 to look through it

davepoobond: i dont know, i dont read the articles

davepoobond: there’s just stupid topics about stupid kids

davepoobond: i dont like them, i just fuck them

davepoobond: oops did i just say that

davepoobond: oh well

chewy17171717: hey im one those kids

chewy17171717: oo would u like to fuck me

davepoobond: well then, there goes by parole

davepoobond: sure

chewy17171717: your 42 and a redneck

chewy17171717: great

chewy17171717: what i always wanted

davepoobond: who says i’m a redneck?

chewy17171717: my name is Brigid

chewy17171717: i do

chewy17171717: sob

davepoobond: your profile says you’re julie

chewy17171717: jk

chewy17171717: hahah

chewy17171717: my bitch is fuckin me

davepoobond: oh no

chewy17171717: thats my friends name im spendin

chewy17171717: hahah jk

chewy17171717: so u must be one of those perverts arnt u

davepoobond: sure

chewy17171717: u guys r the ppl who did this to me

davepoobond: sowwy

chewy17171717: stop talken to me

davepoobond: i thought you wanted to fuck

davepoobond: you fuck

chewy17171717: um no

chewy17171717: excuse me but my daughter is to young

chewy17171717: u should no better

chewy17171717: u young kids should be thinking about skewl not girls

davepoobond: how old is she

chewy17171717: 9

davepoobond: so you had a baby when you were 5

chewy17171717: i think u would know better than that

chewy17171717: no this is the mother of the girl u just talked to

chewy17171717: so i said good day

Just then I get warned “anonymously.”

davepoobond: and then what did i say

Previous message was not received by chewy17171717 because of error: User chewy17171717 is not available.

 

Bizarro Facebook #21979: The Adventures of Jelli

So, on Saturday, November 5, 2011, I get an add request from some random girl named Jelli.  I don’t know who she is, never seen her before. Mind you, the picture I see is of a “white” girl… not a hint of Filipino that I can see…and yet…

The following conversation takes place:

davepoobond: do i know you?

Jelli: nope im just tryin to add you

Jelli: its up to you if you want to accept,im not forcing you..

davepoobond: well its fine, i just dont know if i know you is all 😛

Jelli: ok thanks

davepoobond: so what made you want to be my friend

Jelli: i want you to be my friend

(I’m thinking: OKAY, WTF??)

davepoobond: oh ok

Jelli: where you from?and how old are you?

davepoobond: I’m from la county originally. I live in orange county now… how about you

Jelli: im from los angeles,but now im here in philippines

davepoobond: Oh ok

Jelli: ok

davepoobond: What made you move out there

Jelli: visiting my aunt

Jelli: i want you to know im half filipino

Jelli: you there?

davepoobond: Oh that’s cool

8 hours later…

davepoobond: why do you want me to know that you’re half filipino

So, this girl sounds like she’s got a few screws loose.  And I check out her Facebook status updates and the comments she’s got…

On June 28

Jelli: hope she gets better i love you auntie…

Keith: What’s wrong with her?

Jelli: she have a sick,and she want to survive…

On July 14:

Jelli: aunt dont worry god always there for you and give you more life,hope you get well i love you so much…

On Sept 3:

Jelli: Creepy Guy Daniel (censored his name)

Creepy Guy Daniel: I’m unfamiliar with this kind of post. Am I supposed to do what?

On Sept 3:

Creepy Guy Daniel: Are you a Sagittarius also? I was born on the 30th November

Jelli: Nope i’m scorpio.

Creepy Guy Daniel: Oooh, that’s even better! Is it true that you are ruled by your high sexual drive?

Jelli: i dont know.

Jelli: you want to try?haha peace.

Creepy Guy Daniel: I would love to! And I would try very hard indeed! Just give me the go ahead Jelli!

Jelli: if you want to try at me,you travel here in philippines or you want buy me a chippes ticket to go back there in L.A.

Creepy Guy Daniel: Until just now, being kinda poor never seemed to bother me. All of a sudden though, I gotta say that money COULD buy some measure of happiness in this situation! LOL If I had the bucks, I would ahve you here in flash Jelli !

Jelli: ?

Jelli: Ok i understand its ok.

Roger: i`d walk there xxx

Jelli: Ok i understand its ok.

Creepy Guy Daniel: On water right? We can only hope!!

Jelli: hope u want to meet each other.

Jelli: hope u want to meet each other.

Creepy Guy Daniel: Want to join us?

Jelli: What you mean?

Creepy Guy Daniel: You said you hoped we would want to meet each other. I am assuming your interest is joining us when we do!

Jelli: Yea i want to meet but how im here in philippines.

On Sept 5:

Jelli: hELLo thErE…

Roger: hi doll i hope you are fine pity we cannot find us never for chatting i d like

On Sept 6:

Jelli: Hello there anyone to talk?

Rick: Good Morning how was your holiday weekend

Jelli: Verry sad and lonely.

Rick: Why so sad and lonely

On Sept 6:

Roger: Jilli Jill Jill whats cookin good lookin?

Jelli: Thanks

Jelli: Hello

Roger: what up jill

Jelli: Great,you?

Roger: oh just chillin when u coming ouy 2 tampa?

On Sept 6

Jelli: what happened i’m wondering.

Matthew: me too

Jelli: Why?

Matthew: cuz what happened lol?

On Sept 8

Kareem: lol can you not harass my friends?

On Oct 3

Jelli: i feel pain,i think its headache.;-(

Creepy Guy Daniel: I have 600mg Ibuprofen here. I wish I could five you one and make you feel better Jelli.

Adnor: Cuz I’m not with you woman!!we could fix that;)

Jelli: Thanks daniel.

Jelli: hELLo there…

Rick: hello how are you

Jelli: h!…i’m good i’m here in philippines almost 2weeks…

Rick: Are you having a good time

Jelli: what are you up to?

Jelli: i’m visiting to my aunt.

Rick: recovering from my operation.

Rick: how is she doing

Rick: are you going to live there or are you coming back

Jelli: hope ur fine,shes still not CTscan cuz financial proble,i’m coming back there by december.

Jelli: ????

Rick: I did not see you on here for a while and was thinking you stopped talking to me or left face book

Jelli: Still there?

Jelli: Still there?

Jelli: Still there?

Rick: I’m still here

Jelli: ????

Jelli: Tell me the truth ok,what are you looking here on facebook?

Jelli: Tell me the truth ok,what are you looking here on facebook?

Jelli: Tell me the truth ok,what are you looking here on facebook?

Rick: I talk to old and new friends. I saw you said hi there and I didn’t know if you were talking to me so i didn’t want to be rude so I said hi back to you. You seem like a nice person to talk to. Is that ok to do

On Oct 22:

She updates her relationships status as single.

Louis: CANNT BELIVE UR SINGLE MUST HAVE BEEN A JERK

Jelli: huh,its up to you

On Oct 28:

Jelli: Always bussy for looking job,very tired.

On Oct 31:

Jelli: Happy holloween to all.

I also look at her other information… she apparently goes to UCLA. How dumb can you be and still get into there?

Her about info:
I am a cool, laid back, no drama, funny and fun girl who will rock your world! I love 2 try new things and will show some of my favorite! I love to be crazy and adventurous. If you think you can handle it.

Interested In: Men and Women

On Monday, she finally responds

Jelli: look at my pics.to know…

davepoobond: i cant look at your pictures

Jelli: huh really?

davepoobond: yeah it says that you dont share it with me

Jelli: but you see my profile pic.?

davepoobond: yeah

Jelli: so what you say?

davepoobond: what do i say about what

Jelli: to my pic.?

davepoobond: i dont really know, i cant tell what you really look like

Jelli: tell me the truth what are you looking for?

davepoobond: for what?

Jelli: are you single?

Jelli: i i want you to answer me if you are looking for relationship

davepoobond: yeah im single, sure im looking…

davepoobond: what are you on facebook for?

Jelli: me too im looking for serious relationship

Jelli: you there?

davepoobond: yeah

Jelli: sory to disturbing you

davepoobond: you’re not bugging me

Jelli: ok

davepoobond: so, why are you interested if i’m single or not

Jelli: im just asking

davepoobond: how old are you

Jelli: turning 23 this month

Jelli: you?

davepoobond: 25

Jelli: ok

Jelli: bussy

davepoobond: you are?

Jelli: nope

davepoobond: what time is it now in the phillipines

Jelli: 4:10am

davepoobond: wow how come you’re still up

Jelli: yea i cant sleep

Jelli: you talked other girl?

davepoobond: what other girl?

Jelli: i think your busy to other girl here on facebook

davepoobond: no, i’m not talking to another girl on facebook right now

davepoobond: so, what do you like to do in your spare time

Jelli: ok,honestly im looking for job here,for my financial

davepoobond: looking for job in the phillipines?

Jelli: yea

Jelli: you did not know im here in philippines now?

davepoobond: no, I didn’t

davepoobond: didn’t you say your aunt was sick?

Jelli: yea,thats the reason if i am here now

davepoobond: arent you coming back eventually? why are you trying to find a job

Jelli: cuz i need to fix my documents to imigration to get me back there in los angeles

davepoobond: what’s wrong with them

Jelli: my visa expired,i need to renew it

Jelli: spent my money for my aunt,cuz i really want to recover her

davepoobond: that sucks

Jelli: yea

Jelli: thats the reason if what im looking for job

davepoobond: where were you born?

Jelli: here in philippines i am not citezen there in L.A

davepoobond: didn’t you say you’re half Filipino? what’s your other half

Jelli: my aunt raised me when im 5yrs old my dad took me to los angeles

Jelli: my father white american

Jelli: my mom filipina

Jelli: hello

davepoobond: hi

Jelli: why you do not responds?tell me if you are bussy?

davepoobond: well i dont really know what to say

davepoobond: but

davepoobond: your dad being a citizen makes it so that you’re a citizen

Jelli: yea but i was born here in philippines

davepoobond: that doesnt matter if your dad is a citizen

davepoobond: that grants you citizenship

davepoobond: he needed to say you were his daughter when he took you when you were 5, or even now he can probably do it…

Jelli: yea cuz im a broken family 🙁

davepoobond: what do you mean

Jelli: my father left my mom

davepoobond: when did that happen

Jelli: when im 14yrs old

davepoobond: where is your mom

Jelli: here in philippines

davepoobond: where is your dad

Jelli: there in L.A

davepoobond: can’t he get you citizenship, since he is a citizen and is your father?

Jelli: yea i do not know to my father

davepoobond: didn’t you say he took you when you were 5, and stayed with you until you were 14?

Jelli: yea

davepoobond: how was he able to bring you to america?

Jelli: i do not know to my father,now my problem is to fix my visa to get back there

davepoobond: if your dad married your mom, she would be a citizen too before he had left her.

davepoobond: what kind of a visa is it

Jelli: residence visa

davepoobond: don’t you go to school at UCLA? why dont you get a student visa temporarily

Jelli: im stop schooling

davepoobond: how were you able to stay before you went to the phillipines

Jelli: to my father home

davepoobond: didn’t you say you didnt know your dad? how would you be able to live with him until right before you go to the phillipines?

Jelli: yea until right before i go here in the philippines

davepoobond: but you said you dont know him

Jelli: i did not told you that

davepoobond: you said it before, scroll up…

davepoobond: so anyway

davepoobond: you can talk to him and have him help you

davepoobond: get citizenship

davepoobond: since you’re his daughter

davepoobond: and he is a citizen

Jelli: i think i did not get you before

davepoobond: ok, so do you get me now?

Jelli: yea

Jelli: in los angeles i am at home with my dad

davepoobond: ok, so why cant he help you get back

Jelli: i email my dad earlier said he broke

davepoobond: how did you get enough money to fly to the phillipines

Jelli: my dad loans to travel here

Jelli: me here

davepoobond: cant he take more loan to get you back?

Jelli: he cant

davepoobond: doesnt he have a job? how does he afford rent? wouldnt getting his daughter back into america be important?

Jelli: i understand my dad,he finance with my sister and me,he finance food with my sister

davepoobond: can you make it so that i can see the rest of your pictures

Jelli: what you mean by that?

davepoobond: if i select the photos tab, it says “Jelli only shares some information with everyone. ”

davepoobond: and i cant see your pictures

Jelli: i will private

davepoobond: what?

Jelli: im private to my profile

Jelli: yea you cant see my pics.

davepoobond: but earlier you wanted me to look at your pictures

Jelli: yea i said earlier you see my profile pic.

davepoobond: so what do you want to talk about

Jelli: you what you want to talk?tell me?

davepoobond: what?

Jelli: anything you want

Jelli: can you open topic

davepoobond: what do you like to do in your spare time

Jelli: honestly im wondering if i am alone,when im on room im wondering how i do to get me back there in L.A

davepoobond: other than that

Jelli: i want go to church to pray my aunt and to my visa fix

davepoobond: what is your aunt sick with

Jelli: breast cancer

Jelli: ???

davepoobond: oh that sucks

Jelli: yea

Jelli: but i know god knows plan to my aunt

Jelli: ???

davepoobond: what?

Jelli: bussy?

davepoobond: no

Jelli: ok

davepoobond: so what did you do when you were in america

davepoobond: ???

Jelli: looking job again

davepoobond: did you ever have a job

Jelli: before im a cashier in mini mart

davepoobond: what kind of necklace is that in your picture

Jelli: tiffany silver

davepoobond: what kind of glasses do you have

Jelli: reading glass

davepoobond: what kind of earrings are those

Jelli: silver

Jelli: why you askin?

davepoobond: i dont know, why dont you talk about something

Jelli: i share to you,have a problem?

davepoobond: share what?

Jelli: share my prob.sory

davepoobond: what is your problem

Jelli: you know to my documents

davepoobond: what about them

Jelli: to fix it

Jelli: cuz i do not know how i get money to fix it

davepoobond: you just need to find a job

davepoobond: or do some freelance work for people

Jelli: yea but how?

davepoobond: what are you good at doing

Jelli: i dont know

davepoobond: cant you be a cashier

Jelli: im not

davepoobond: i know you’re not

davepoobond: but why can’t you do that in phillipines

Jelli: no hiring in cashier

Jelli: ???

davepoobond: what?

Jelli: you dont answer me

davepoobond: you didnt have a question?

davepoobond: what kind of soda do you like

Jelli: i dont like soda i like orange juice

davepoobond: why dont you like soda

Jelli: cuz have acid

davepoobond: orange juice is technically more acidic than soda

Jelli: nope

davepoobond: it has citric acid in it

Jelli: yea i know juice have acid,but soda acid and spirits right

davepoobond: well, soda has carbonation

Jelli: but with spirits

davepoobond: spirits?

davepoobond: you mean alcohol?

Jelli: yea got it

davepoobond: i mean your right alchohol

Jelli: soda doesnt have alcohol in it unless you put it in there

Jelli: i like gatorade

davepoobond: oh

davepoobond: so what else can i ask you about?

Jelli: ask me then i answer

Jelli: im sleepy

davepoobond: have you ever had a pregnancy scare

Jelli: never

davepoobond: what is your cup size

Jelli: i dont want this topic

Jelli: im sleepy i need to rest

Jelli: thanks to your time

davepoobond: ok, see ya later

I looked up her profile picture on Google Images, and it ended up being a chick on some Spanish site who had nude pictures…. she was really hot, but the point being that it wasn’t the same person, obviously, so whatever “Jelli” actually looks like is unknown.

 

Joke #21873

A young black guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi, I’m tired of handouts, I want a job.”

The man behind the counter replied, “Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You’ll have to drive around in a big white Mercedes — the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided for and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year.”

The black guy said, “Ah c’mon, you’re bullshitting me!”

The man behind the counter said, “Well, you started it!”

 

Joke #18741

My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60’s music.

They recently got front-row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.

When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert.

My daughter says, “Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!”

 

Joke #18705

Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother’s wedding gown.

When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Suddenly, her mother’s eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, “Don’t cry, Mom. Remember, you aren’t losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.”

“Oh, forget about that!” her mother sobbed. “I used to fit into that gown!”

 

Joke #18698

While I was dining out with my children, a friend of my neighbor, who recognized us, came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, “No, I also work… but out of our home.”

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

“He was born at home,” I answered.

The man looked at me and said, “You don’t get out much, do you?”

 

Joke #18691

My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn’t in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she’d phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came at 3:30 p.m. “I’m sorry,” I said, “she’s left for the day. May I take a message?”

“Yes,” the caller replied. “How can I get a job with you?”

 

Joke #18615

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

“It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Crabs walk side-ways and we walk straight.”

“Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.”

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter…..

“I knew it! Here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”

 

Joke #18606

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

 

Joke #18582

While Christmas shopping at a toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel.

As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the others. Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself. “Wally, I didn’t know you were a collector!”

“I’m not,” Wally replied.

“Then why are you standing in this long line?”

“Well, I’ve never been able to resist a Barbie queue!”