#7: AWSSkater -> SheMaleHo

AWSSkater: i need a new one

SheMaleHo: your “Moo Moo’s” a fag!!!

SheMaleHo: i killed it and nailed it to a crucifix!!!

AWSSkater: FAGGOT

AWSSkater: are you talking to cait?

SheMaleHo: then i barbequed it

SheMaleHo: no

SheMaleHo: im watching you

AWSSkater: ask her why it keeps saying i cant talk to her

SheMaleHo: whA?

SheMaleHo: i can see you out my window…

AWSSkater: cool

AWSSkater: what am i doing

SheMaleHo: i nailed “Moo Moo’s” head on the hood of my car

AWSSkater: what room am i in

SheMaleHo: theone with the computer

SheMaleHo: am i right?

AWSSkater: yes

AWSSkater: and what room is that

SheMaleHo: the one with the keyboard in it

SheMaleHo: it also has a door

SheMaleHo: am i right?

AWSSkater: caits name doesnt work anymore

SheMaleHo: your house is brown

AWSSkater: yes

AWSSkater: you cheated

SheMaleHo: and its on a corner

AWSSkater: you cheated again

SheMaleHo: your upstairs

SheMaleHo: your typing from your bed

AWSSkater: yes

AWSSkater: you’re still cheating

SheMaleHo: you have long black hair

SheMaleHo: ooooh you look so nice

AWSSkater: anything else you’d like to add

AWSSkater: when is my birthday?

SheMaleHo: im gonna feel you….

SheMaleHo: i dont know, i can just see you

AWSSkater: what color is my shirt

SheMaleHo: you know what color it is

AWSSkater: yes, but do you

SheMaleHo: of course! i can see you silly

SheMaleHo: oooh im taking off my pants to look at you

AWSSkater: you’re gay

SheMaleHo: you got it! :-*

AWSSkater: wow

AWSSkater: im right

SheMaleHo: i wish you had no shirt

SheMaleHo: 😛

AWSSkater: but i do

AWSSkater: ask cait why i cant talk to her, i know you can

SheMaleHo: i know

SheMaleHo: i can?

AWSSkater: unless this is her in disguise

AWSSkater: she tricked me like that before, you know

AWSSkater: well she didnt trick me

SheMaleHo: this isnt a trick

AWSSkater: i knew it was her

SheMaleHo: take off your shirt

SheMaleHo: oh c’mon

AWSSkater: um…

AWSSkater: no?

SheMaleHo: my pants are already off, dont waste my time

AWSSkater: im back, ugly

SheMaleHo: i like it when you talk dirty

AWSSkater: oh

AWSSkater: okay

SheMaleHo: say it again

AWSSkater: okay

SheMaleHo: Cryin’ Ryan

AWSSkater: shutup

AWSSkater: Trunks Briefs

SheMaleHo: Cryyyyyyyin’ Ryyyyyyyyan

AWSSkater: ho

SheMaleHo: oooh, Briefs, you wear briefs?

AWSSkater: no actually i wear boxers

AWSSkater: either you keep asking cait stuff or you are her in disguise,
which is it

SheMaleHo: disquise?

SheMaleHo: ooooh kinky, role playing

AWSSkater: what?

SheMaleHo: ok, ill me the bad dog and you be my master, discipline me

AWSSkater: um…

AWSSkater: go in the corner while i piss on your head

SheMaleHo: soooo kinky

AWSSkater: you’re weird

SheMaleHo: lemme get the whip and handcuffs

AWSSkater: that would be okay if you were female, but you arent

AWSSkater: as far as i know

SheMaleHo: y’know, i have a dog, i can bring him over with some whipped cream and peanut butter

AWSSkater: that’s okay

SheMaleHo: we can be a sandwich!

AWSSkater: no

SheMaleHo: well…still want my thong?

AWSSkater: what?

AWSSkater: you scare me

SheMaleHo: im going to throw my purple thong at your window, catch it

AWSSkater: k

SheMaleHo: wait, ill keep them

SheMaleHo: theyre edible

AWSSkater: k

SheMaleHo: and im hungry

AWSSkater: lol

AWSSkater: how many dogs do i have>

AWSSkater: ?

SheMaleHo: oh, Caaiiiiite

AWSSkater: shutup

SheMaleHo: OMG!!! shes flashing me again!

AWSSkater: shutup

SheMaleHo: theres a sign

SheMaleHo: it says….I…..want….you….Ch…whats that?

SheMaleHo: her boob is blocking it

AWSSkater: what?

SheMaleHo: Ch….r….i…damn nipple

SheMaleHo: Chris!

SheMaleHo: me!

AWSSkater: shutup

SheMaleHo: whats the matter Cryin’ Ryan

SheMaleHo: jealous?

AWSSkater: nothing of that sort is happening so it doesnt matter

SheMaleHo: it is

AWSSkater: riiiiigggghhhht, and my name is blowjob

SheMaleHo: oooooooooh sexy

AWSSkater: hey

AWSSkater: no

SheMaleHo: come over to my place, my nickname is…snoow blow

AWSSkater: LOL

AWSSkater: how many cats do i have

SheMaleHo: lemme count

SheMaleHo: hmmmm

SheMaleHo: hmmm

SheMaleHo: not counting the one i nailed to a crucufix…1…

SheMaleHo: Moo moo and Mickey

SheMaleHo: or Kittie

SheMaleHo: whatever

AWSSkater: what color is mickey

SheMaleHo: ummm…

AWSSkater: lol

SheMaleHo: Dark brown…and black striped

SheMaleHo: Ewwww, whats that scab on his head?

AWSSkater: scap is a funny word

SheMaleHo: so is homo…oh wait

AWSSkater: here is a tough question

AWSSkater: where is my birthmark

SheMaleHo: take off all your clothes first

SheMaleHo: i think i see it on your…wait…im to distracted by Caites boob

SheMaleHo: wait…its on…your arm i think

SheMaleHo: am i right?

AWSSkater: yeah

AWSSkater: where

SheMaleHo: Caite…

AWSSkater: what

SheMaleHo: nipple

SheMaleHo: nipple

AWSSkater: boobie

SheMaleHo: nipple

AWSSkater: boobie

SheMaleHo: y’know…im actually…your uncle

SheMaleHo: your long lost uncle

SheMaleHo: and im attracted to you….im a hillbilly

AWSSkater: ::says in a hillbilly accent:: get on yer knees and take down them suspender boy!!

SheMaleHo: Ok sailor!!!

AWSSkater: lol

AWSSkater: or are you a female

AWSSkater: im not sure

SheMaleHo: well lets see….im your uncle!! so could i be male…or female

AWSSkater: lol

AWSSkater: im messing around

SheMaleHo: want some weed from your ol’ uncle?

SheMaleHo: its the herb of the earth

AWSSkater: i hate drugs

SheMaleHo: the herb will set your mind free!, man!!!

AWSSkater: so will spinning around in circles

SheMaleHo: so is doing anal…

AWSSkater: weird

SheMaleHo: you..think anal is weird?

SheMaleHo: obviously youve never tried it

SheMaleHo: come over to my house

SheMaleHo: its the pink frilly one on fudgepacker avenue

AWSSkater: i dont pack fudge

AWSSkater: im not a poopie dick

AWSSkater: by the way, how do you see my room with the curtain closed

SheMaleHo: im your uncle…Clark Kent, i have X-ray Vision

AWSSkater: clark kent doesnt have X-ray vision

SheMaleHo: who would know better? Clark Kent or you Cryin’ Ryan?

AWSSkater: who would know what better

SheMaleHo: who would know better if i had X-ray vision?

SheMaleHo: to tell you a secret, Im superman

SheMaleHo: doesnt it all make sense?

AWSSkater: yeah, but clark kent doesnt have x-ray vision only superman

SheMaleHo: i live in the country, so im a hilbilly, i wear redish tights
so i must have a purple thong SOMEWHERE, and i can see through your curtains

AWSSkater: so that makes you very weird

SheMaleHo: im a hillbilly and i have a shotgun

AWSSkater: what color is the bracelet im wearing

SheMaleHo: hmmmm

SheMaleHo: X-ray visios is kinda color blind but lemme try

AWSSkater: okay

SheMaleHo: its kinda silver…

SheMaleHo: with a purplish tint

SheMaleHo: am i right?

AWSSkater: yes

AWSSkater: actaully pink

AWSSkater: what color are my eyes

SheMaleHo: hmmmm

SheMaleHo: purple…right?

AWSSkater: no

SheMaleHo: oh wait, i was staring at Caites nipple again, sorry

SheMaleHo: brown

AWSSkater: lol

AWSSkater: what color is my real hair

SheMaleHo: hmmmm

SheMaleHo: medium brown

SheMaleHo: just like your pubes…i mean!! your…

AWSSkater: lol

AWSSkater: now you wont know stuff, cait signed off

SheMaleHo: she was online?

AWSSkater: maybe

SheMaleHo: puuuubes

SheMaleHo: nipple

SheMaleHo: Cryin’ Ryan

AWSSkater: that was an old nickname, you dont have to call me that anymore

SheMaleHo: im related to the king of Bahrain

AWSSkater: hey

AWSSkater: i know him

AWSSkater: the poo guy

SheMaleHo: Clark Kents, the hillbilly, purple thong wearing, attracted to his nephew cryin Ryan, prince of Bahrain

AWSSkater: hehe

AWSSkater: so you know the poo guy too

AWSSkater: thats probably you

SheMaleHo: oh yes

SheMaleHo: hes a VERY good freind

AWSSkater: the guy i beat with a wifflle ball bat

SheMaleHo: why did you do that?

SheMaleHo: hes the king of Bahrain!

SheMaleHo: you cant do that to him!!!

AWSSkater: but i did

SheMaleHo: this is an outrage! you must come to my house for your….punishment :Þ

AWSSkater: where do you live then

SheMaleHo: Bahrain but a ihave a house…near you

AWSSkater: where is that

SheMaleHo: its right next to Saudi Arabia, its too small to be on the map anyway

AWSSkater: that’s pretty far away

SheMaleHo: 600 people live there

AWSSkater: lol

 

Red Jets (PC): The Editorial!

One Sunday afternoon about a month ago, I sat down at my computer to review a game called Red Jets. It’s a budget dogfighting game from Graffiti Entertainment, where you pilot Russian planes in mortal konflikt against fighter jets flown by people who are presumably not Russian. I’m a little fuzzy on the details, you see, because I never got to play Red Jets. I sort of skimmed through the manual and looked at the box art and then wrote a couple of paragraphs to review it. “But Dominic,” you say. “You are a game reviewer. How dare you review a game you did not play?” It’s actually pretty easy to do when you have an ego the size of a former Soviet Republic.

You see, Graffiti Entertainment shipped me a copy of Red Jets that was nigh-useless. The setup.exe file hard-locked my PC repeatedly, the copy protection accused me of using a duplicate disc, and not even a No-CD crack of dubious legality could help me break into Red Jets. I spent a few hours trying to get the game to run, until finally I gave up. I decided that if Graffiti Entertainment could not be bothered to send me a working game, I could not be bothered to review it.

However, Dear Reader, that would be too easy. I have received preview copies of games that chug along on my computer, or simply refuse to run. Europa Universalis III, for instance, was an unpolished gem in alpha form, when it first graced my hard drive. I don’t fault games or game companies that have less than perfect alphas. (Fun fact: EU3 cleaned up real nice, and is about to get a damn fine review from me.) But Red Jets arrived in a retail box, replete with UPC and MSRP. This was, officially, Graffiti Entertainment saying “all done!” They were going to charge you for trying to play this. My colleagues have pointed out that patches may be forthcoming, but I harbor an antiquated, Leave It To Beaver-esque belief that a man buys a game to play it, not to wait for it to be patched up to functionality. A game that arrives in a retail box is a sign to me from the publisher that I am free to take the kiddie gloves off.

So I did what any self-respecting journalist would do: I ripped Red Jets like an overweight gym teacher’s short-shorts when he bends over to pick up his clipboard. Let us be very clear: my original review did not make a single qualitative claim about Red Jets. The more educated among my readers will note that my “review” of Red Jets was an account of my attempts to install and subsequently run the game, during which I fail to state a single fact about Red Jets the game. I mentioned vomiting in a fictional white-water rafting game, I stated that I pounded nails into my thighbone, I “considered” burning down my apartment, and I professed to cursing so loudly that my dog now runs at the mere sight of me.

But I did not defame Red Jets. To do so without having played it would be irresponsible. The reader with even the most tenuous grasp on reality this side of a cult leader’s paper cup of Kool-aid will likely understand that none of those relate to Red Jets at all. The only parts of Red Jets I reviewed were the install CD crashing my computer, the license agreement, the copy protection refusing to let me play the game, and the No-CD crack not working. I explicitly stated on both pages of my review that I never played Red Jets. I felt secure in the knowledge that no one of sound mind and/or body could mistake my satire for a real review.

Fast forward to my receiving word that Gamer’s Mark is pulling my review at the behest of one Linda Shannon from Over the Moon Management; apparently, she takes exception to a negative review of a product she represents. Her claim revolves around the fact that I never played the game: she refuses to consider that I might be entitled to review other aspects of Red Jets beyond the graphics or controls or the sound or the adrenaline rush I get from engaging in thrilling air-to-air combat. You know, like the fact that it won’t do silly little things like “install” or “play.” The pluck of those kids at Gamer’s Mark!

I am disappointed that Graffiti Entertainment sent me a game that was unplayable. I am disappointed that Linda played the “how dare you” card about my review of their bargain-bin production. I am disappointed that Gamer’s Mark ultimately chose to react in the manner in which they did, and I am disappointed that this situation warrants this defense of a lackluster review of a lackluster video game.

So, in an effort to avoid this sort of e-drama in the future, here are some new ground rules from which I advise all publishers to take notes. Consider these words verily chiseled into stone hewn from the living rock of Mount Sinai’s bowels; such is their sacrosanctity and general awesomeness.

  1. Thou shalt not send me games that I have to try more than three times to install. This is because I have better things to do with my time than stare, slack of jaw, at a frozen setup program.
  2. Thou shalt recognize that everything you send me is fair game for review. This includes, but is not limited to the box art, game manual, poorly worded license agreements, the description on the back of the box, the screenshots in the manual, the way the box smells, the lame font on the CD, and the actual game itself. Attempts to apply this ex post facto have failed, but you may consider this fair warning.
  3. Thou shall not beget thy panties unto a bunched state if my review takes your game to task for its shortcomings. If your product isn’t very good, it will not get a very good review. This isn’t IGN.

In conclusion, I would like to announce my undiluted rage will be directed against the following people at a time and place of my choosing, but probably the next time a game company does something stupid like sending me coasters they plan to charge $20 for: these jerks. Also, maybe some of these people, too.

You can see the original review, re-posted, here:

http://squackle.com/24355/supchron/games/red-jets-pc-review/

 

 

Squackle Guestbook #20547

MorzyMagic dung beetle 27/Jun/2002:11:42:58
I once let davepoobond play bass with my band, but he didn’t know how
so i told him to shut up you dumb idion learn how to play!!! i think he
just sits at home and works on this website all day. one time his mom
took away his mouse ball because he used the computer to much and he
was angry. this website has come a really long way since he first
started it, yeah… it used to be really dumb, one time i saw it
accidentally eat it’s own poo!
 

Basic Overview of Life: 05/26/1998

This entry is part 3 of 3 in the series Basic Overview of Life

Dear Computer,

Today was a total bore, not to mention last weekend with dadpoobond, but the only fun I got was when we were watching movies we bought at Costco (a.k.a. Price Club) Well nothing else to say…til’ tomorrow I think it’s going to be a big day, it’s a hunch (though my hunches always come at the wrong time to have a hunch, but maybe this time it might be on time)

From,
davepoobond

 

Basic Overview of Life: 05/21/1998

This entry is part 2 of 3 in the series Basic Overview of Life

Dear Computer,

Today I went to the floating lab………It sucked.  When we got back at around 2:20 we had some time to kill, so we went to Mrs. Leach’s room and stayed there for awhile.  I was sitting at the table next to Alison and Jennifer (on right side) and Jesse left to me (I was at the far side of the room).  Anyway Alison asked if I liked Jennifer anymore than a friend.  And I didn’t even answer that question…I never liked Jennifer in the 1st place so I didn’t say anything (It wasn’t like they were waiting for me to answer…I guess they were giving me a hint or somethin’).  On Tuesday Paul sort of sprained his left wrist (or broke it) while trying to dunk on the court.  So I didn’t see him until today and he had a cast on.

Till Next Time,

Davepoobond