c0mputafuka – n. a person that uses slang on computers such as h8, ur, sup and cuz
bumore – v. to barf on a computer
aujaxion – v. to wake up because of a sound your computer makes
amanakayhooh – n. a gay computer
AWSSkater: i need a new one
SheMaleHo: your “Moo Moo’s” a fag!!!
SheMaleHo: i killed it and nailed it to a crucifix!!!
AWSSkater: are you talking to cait?
SheMaleHo: then i barbequed it
SheMaleHo: im watching you
AWSSkater: ask her why it keeps saying i cant talk to her
SheMaleHo: i can see you out my window…
AWSSkater: what am i doing
SheMaleHo: i nailed “Moo Moo’s” head on the hood of my car
AWSSkater: what room am i in
SheMaleHo: theone with the computer
SheMaleHo: am i right?
AWSSkater: and what room is that
SheMaleHo: the one with the keyboard in it
SheMaleHo: it also has a door
SheMaleHo: am i right?
AWSSkater: caits name doesnt work anymore
SheMaleHo: your house is brown
AWSSkater: you cheated
SheMaleHo: and its on a corner
AWSSkater: you cheated again
SheMaleHo: your upstairs
SheMaleHo: your typing from your bed
AWSSkater: you’re still cheating
SheMaleHo: you have long black hair
SheMaleHo: ooooh you look so nice
AWSSkater: anything else you’d like to add
AWSSkater: when is my birthday?
SheMaleHo: im gonna feel you….
SheMaleHo: i dont know, i can just see you
AWSSkater: what color is my shirt
SheMaleHo: you know what color it is
AWSSkater: yes, but do you
SheMaleHo: of course! i can see you silly
SheMaleHo: oooh im taking off my pants to look at you
AWSSkater: you’re gay
SheMaleHo: you got it! :-*
AWSSkater: im right
SheMaleHo: i wish you had no shirt
AWSSkater: but i do
AWSSkater: ask cait why i cant talk to her, i know you can
SheMaleHo: i know
SheMaleHo: i can?
AWSSkater: unless this is her in disguise
AWSSkater: she tricked me like that before, you know
AWSSkater: well she didnt trick me
SheMaleHo: this isnt a trick
AWSSkater: i knew it was her
SheMaleHo: take off your shirt
SheMaleHo: oh c’mon
SheMaleHo: my pants are already off, dont waste my time
AWSSkater: im back, ugly
SheMaleHo: i like it when you talk dirty
SheMaleHo: say it again
SheMaleHo: Cryin’ Ryan
AWSSkater: Trunks Briefs
SheMaleHo: Cryyyyyyyin’ Ryyyyyyyyan
SheMaleHo: oooh, Briefs, you wear briefs?
AWSSkater: no actually i wear boxers
AWSSkater: either you keep asking cait stuff or you are her in disguise,
which is it
SheMaleHo: ooooh kinky, role playing
SheMaleHo: ok, ill me the bad dog and you be my master, discipline me
AWSSkater: go in the corner while i piss on your head
SheMaleHo: soooo kinky
AWSSkater: you’re weird
SheMaleHo: lemme get the whip and handcuffs
AWSSkater: that would be okay if you were female, but you arent
AWSSkater: as far as i know
SheMaleHo: y’know, i have a dog, i can bring him over with some whipped cream and peanut butter
AWSSkater: that’s okay
SheMaleHo: we can be a sandwich!
SheMaleHo: well…still want my thong?
AWSSkater: you scare me
SheMaleHo: im going to throw my purple thong at your window, catch it
SheMaleHo: wait, ill keep them
SheMaleHo: theyre edible
SheMaleHo: and im hungry
AWSSkater: how many dogs do i have>
SheMaleHo: oh, Caaiiiiite
SheMaleHo: OMG!!! shes flashing me again!
SheMaleHo: theres a sign
SheMaleHo: it says….I…..want….you….Ch…whats that?
SheMaleHo: her boob is blocking it
SheMaleHo: Ch….r….i…damn nipple
SheMaleHo: whats the matter Cryin’ Ryan
AWSSkater: nothing of that sort is happening so it doesnt matter
SheMaleHo: it is
AWSSkater: riiiiigggghhhht, and my name is blowjob
SheMaleHo: oooooooooh sexy
SheMaleHo: come over to my place, my nickname is…snoow blow
AWSSkater: how many cats do i have
SheMaleHo: lemme count
SheMaleHo: not counting the one i nailed to a crucufix…1…
SheMaleHo: Moo moo and Mickey
SheMaleHo: or Kittie
AWSSkater: what color is mickey
SheMaleHo: Dark brown…and black striped
SheMaleHo: Ewwww, whats that scab on his head?
AWSSkater: scap is a funny word
SheMaleHo: so is homo…oh wait
AWSSkater: here is a tough question
AWSSkater: where is my birthmark
SheMaleHo: take off all your clothes first
SheMaleHo: i think i see it on your…wait…im to distracted by Caites boob
SheMaleHo: wait…its on…your arm i think
SheMaleHo: am i right?
SheMaleHo: y’know…im actually…your uncle
SheMaleHo: your long lost uncle
SheMaleHo: and im attracted to you….im a hillbilly
AWSSkater: ::says in a hillbilly accent:: get on yer knees and take down them suspender boy!!
SheMaleHo: Ok sailor!!!
AWSSkater: or are you a female
AWSSkater: im not sure
SheMaleHo: well lets see….im your uncle!! so could i be male…or female
AWSSkater: im messing around
SheMaleHo: want some weed from your ol’ uncle?
SheMaleHo: its the herb of the earth
AWSSkater: i hate drugs
SheMaleHo: the herb will set your mind free!, man!!!
AWSSkater: so will spinning around in circles
SheMaleHo: so is doing anal…
SheMaleHo: you..think anal is weird?
SheMaleHo: obviously youve never tried it
SheMaleHo: come over to my house
SheMaleHo: its the pink frilly one on fudgepacker avenue
AWSSkater: i dont pack fudge
AWSSkater: im not a poopie dick
AWSSkater: by the way, how do you see my room with the curtain closed
SheMaleHo: im your uncle…Clark Kent, i have X-ray Vision
AWSSkater: clark kent doesnt have X-ray vision
SheMaleHo: who would know better? Clark Kent or you Cryin’ Ryan?
AWSSkater: who would know what better
SheMaleHo: who would know better if i had X-ray vision?
SheMaleHo: to tell you a secret, Im superman
SheMaleHo: doesnt it all make sense?
AWSSkater: yeah, but clark kent doesnt have x-ray vision only superman
SheMaleHo: i live in the country, so im a hilbilly, i wear redish tights
so i must have a purple thong SOMEWHERE, and i can see through your curtains
AWSSkater: so that makes you very weird
SheMaleHo: im a hillbilly and i have a shotgun
AWSSkater: what color is the bracelet im wearing
SheMaleHo: X-ray visios is kinda color blind but lemme try
SheMaleHo: its kinda silver…
SheMaleHo: with a purplish tint
SheMaleHo: am i right?
AWSSkater: actaully pink
AWSSkater: what color are my eyes
SheMaleHo: oh wait, i was staring at Caites nipple again, sorry
AWSSkater: what color is my real hair
SheMaleHo: medium brown
SheMaleHo: just like your pubes…i mean!! your…
AWSSkater: now you wont know stuff, cait signed off
SheMaleHo: she was online?
SheMaleHo: Cryin’ Ryan
AWSSkater: that was an old nickname, you dont have to call me that anymore
SheMaleHo: im related to the king of Bahrain
AWSSkater: i know him
AWSSkater: the poo guy
SheMaleHo: Clark Kents, the hillbilly, purple thong wearing, attracted to his nephew cryin Ryan, prince of Bahrain
AWSSkater: so you know the poo guy too
AWSSkater: thats probably you
SheMaleHo: oh yes
SheMaleHo: hes a VERY good freind
AWSSkater: the guy i beat with a wifflle ball bat
SheMaleHo: why did you do that?
SheMaleHo: hes the king of Bahrain!
SheMaleHo: you cant do that to him!!!
AWSSkater: but i did
SheMaleHo: this is an outrage! you must come to my house for your….punishment :Þ
AWSSkater: where do you live then
SheMaleHo: Bahrain but a ihave a house…near you
AWSSkater: where is that
SheMaleHo: its right next to Saudi Arabia, its too small to be on the map anyway
AWSSkater: that’s pretty far away
SheMaleHo: 600 people live there
One Sunday afternoon about a month ago, I sat down at my computer to review a game called Red Jets. It’s a budget dogfighting game from Graffiti Entertainment, where you pilot Russian planes in mortal konflikt against fighter jets flown by people who are presumably not Russian. I’m a little fuzzy on the details, you see, because I never got to play Red Jets. I sort of skimmed through the manual and looked at the box art and then wrote a couple of paragraphs to review it. “But Dominic,” you say. “You are a game reviewer. How dare you review a game you did not play?” It’s actually pretty easy to do when you have an ego the size of a former Soviet Republic.
You see, Graffiti Entertainment shipped me a copy of Red Jets that was nigh-useless. The setup.exe file hard-locked my PC repeatedly, the copy protection accused me of using a duplicate disc, and not even a No-CD crack of dubious legality could help me break into Red Jets. I spent a few hours trying to get the game to run, until finally I gave up. I decided that if Graffiti Entertainment could not be bothered to send me a working game, I could not be bothered to review it.
However, Dear Reader, that would be too easy. I have received preview copies of games that chug along on my computer, or simply refuse to run. Europa Universalis III, for instance, was an unpolished gem in alpha form, when it first graced my hard drive. I don’t fault games or game companies that have less than perfect alphas. (Fun fact: EU3 cleaned up real nice, and is about to get a damn fine review from me.) But Red Jets arrived in a retail box, replete with UPC and MSRP. This was, officially, Graffiti Entertainment saying “all done!” They were going to charge you for trying to play this. My colleagues have pointed out that patches may be forthcoming, but I harbor an antiquated, Leave It To Beaver-esque belief that a man buys a game to play it, not to wait for it to be patched up to functionality. A game that arrives in a retail box is a sign to me from the publisher that I am free to take the kiddie gloves off.
So I did what any self-respecting journalist would do: I ripped Red Jets like an overweight gym teacher’s short-shorts when he bends over to pick up his clipboard. Let us be very clear: my original review did not make a single qualitative claim about Red Jets. The more educated among my readers will note that my “review” of Red Jets was an account of my attempts to install and subsequently run the game, during which I fail to state a single fact about Red Jets the game. I mentioned vomiting in a fictional white-water rafting game, I stated that I pounded nails into my thighbone, I “considered” burning down my apartment, and I professed to cursing so loudly that my dog now runs at the mere sight of me.
But I did not defame Red Jets. To do so without having played it would be irresponsible. The reader with even the most tenuous grasp on reality this side of a cult leader’s paper cup of Kool-aid will likely understand that none of those relate to Red Jets at all. The only parts of Red Jets I reviewed were the install CD crashing my computer, the license agreement, the copy protection refusing to let me play the game, and the No-CD crack not working. I explicitly stated on both pages of my review that I never played Red Jets. I felt secure in the knowledge that no one of sound mind and/or body could mistake my satire for a real review.
Fast forward to my receiving word that Gamer’s Mark is pulling my review at the behest of one Linda Shannon from Over the Moon Management; apparently, she takes exception to a negative review of a product she represents. Her claim revolves around the fact that I never played the game: she refuses to consider that I might be entitled to review other aspects of Red Jets beyond the graphics or controls or the sound or the adrenaline rush I get from engaging in thrilling air-to-air combat. You know, like the fact that it won’t do silly little things like “install” or “play.” The pluck of those kids at Gamer’s Mark!
I am disappointed that Graffiti Entertainment sent me a game that was unplayable. I am disappointed that Linda played the “how dare you” card about my review of their bargain-bin production. I am disappointed that Gamer’s Mark ultimately chose to react in the manner in which they did, and I am disappointed that this situation warrants this defense of a lackluster review of a lackluster video game.
So, in an effort to avoid this sort of e-drama in the future, here are some new ground rules from which I advise all publishers to take notes. Consider these words verily chiseled into stone hewn from the living rock of Mount Sinai’s bowels; such is their sacrosanctity and general awesomeness.
- Thou shalt not send me games that I have to try more than three times to install. This is because I have better things to do with my time than stare, slack of jaw, at a frozen setup program.
- Thou shalt recognize that everything you send me is fair game for review. This includes, but is not limited to the box art, game manual, poorly worded license agreements, the description on the back of the box, the screenshots in the manual, the way the box smells, the lame font on the CD, and the actual game itself. Attempts to apply this ex post facto have failed, but you may consider this fair warning.
- Thou shall not beget thy panties unto a bunched state if my review takes your game to task for its shortcomings. If your product isn’t very good, it will not get a very good review. This isn’t IGN.
In conclusion, I would like to announce my undiluted rage will be directed against the following people at a time and place of my choosing, but probably the next time a game company does something stupid like sending me coasters they plan to charge $20 for: these jerks. Also, maybe some of these people, too.
You can see the original review, re-posted, here:
|I once let davepoobond play bass with my band, but he didn’t know how
so i told him to shut up you dumb idion learn how to play!!! i think he
just sits at home and works on this website all day. one time his mom
took away his mouse ball because he used the computer to much and he
was angry. this website has come a really long way since he first
started it, yeah… it used to be really dumb, one time i saw it
accidentally eat it’s own poo!
|when i look at squackle, i get so horny i fuck my disk drive on my
computer. (don’t worry i use lubricant and a blowtorch in case it gets
Today was a total bore, not to mention last weekend with dadpoobond, but the only fun I got was when we were watching movies we bought at Costco (a.k.a. Price Club) Well nothing else to say…til’ tomorrow I think it’s going to be a big day, it’s a hunch (though my hunches always come at the wrong time to have a hunch, but maybe this time it might be on time)
Today I went to the floating lab………It sucked. When we got back at around 2:20 we had some time to kill, so we went to Mrs. Leach’s room and stayed there for awhile. I was sitting at the table next to Alison and Jennifer (on right side) and Jesse left to me (I was at the far side of the room). Anyway Alison asked if I liked Jennifer anymore than a friend. And I didn’t even answer that question…I never liked Jennifer in the 1st place so I didn’t say anything (It wasn’t like they were waiting for me to answer…I guess they were giving me a hint or somethin’). On Tuesday Paul sort of sprained his left wrist (or broke it) while trying to dunk on the court. So I didn’t see him until today and he had a cast on.
Till Next Time,