10 Characteristics of the Company Car

– Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

– Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

– Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

– The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

– It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

– It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

– The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

– Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

– It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

– It is especially sand and waterproof for barbecues and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

 

Joke #18501

I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a driver’s manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver’s permit.

“Oh,” she said, “I already know everything in the book.”

“You do?” I returned.

“Yep”, she said, very smugly.

I thought, “OK, we’ll just see about that. I’ll give her a hard one.”

So I asked her, “How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?”

“One,” she replied.

“What?” I asked. “One?!”

She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added. . .

“Only one, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one.”

 

Joke #12408

“The brakes are gone!” cried the wife.  “I can’t stop the car.  What should I do?”

Her husband beside her in the front seat said, “Keep calm and look for a cheap economy car.”

“Why bother to look for a cheap economy car?” she asked.

“Do you think I’m going to let you stop by crashing into a brand new luxury car?”

 

Chevy Mad Lib: Find the Bowtie that Fits You

After a hard week at school, davepoobond, Michael Jackson, Mr. Fuckhead, and I decided it was time to get away.  So we piled up our pianos, picked ups ome nuclear bombs from the store, and headed off to our next great adventure in our masturbation mobile.  After setting our fuck this shit we could finally be on our way!  It was awesome seeing the anal missile silo as we sank on the road.  The weather was perfect too, wasteful with periwinkle skies.

Everything was going terribly until suddenly oh yes!  A zombie leapt in front of our Jamaican jalopy.  We all looked at each other in shock, wondering what to do next.  Luckily our car was quick to react thanks to the ABS brakes that come standard.  What happened next when things got a little short.  It led us to its Long Island where it served us tray after tray of delicious Shirley Temple.  Bellies full, we said our thanks and headed back to our gatorade where we easily found our way thanks to OnStar’s GPS capability.  With awesome fuel efficiency, we didnt’ need to stop for gas; however Mr. Rogers and Michael Jackson were running low on strawberry Nutri-Grains.  We flew over to the store to stock up so we would be well prepared for Hell.

69 hours later and we had finally made it!  If it wasn’t for the great company, college students in kindergarten, and I hate my life, we wouldn’t have had nearly as 14-cents-worth of an adventure.  Fuck!  Chevy really does bring people together.

P.S. Fuck you Daily Titan!