My boss has a heart of stone. He can trace his roots back to a petrified forest.
A handicapped golfer is one who plays with his boss.
“You’re very beautiful,” the boss said to the new secretary. “I’ll bet a lot of men ask you for dates.”
The girl smiled sweetly and replied, “Yes, but I don’t go out with anyone I find unattractive. I let them down nicely by telling them I’m married.”
The boss nodded. “That makes sense. Say, are you busy Saturday night?”
“Yes,” she answered, “I’m getting married.”
The boss found a boy in the stock room just standing around doing nothing. “How much do you get paid a week?” he asked the boy.
The boy replied, “Twenty dollars.”
Taking a twenty-dollar bill out of his wallet, the boss gave it to the boy and said, “Here, take this. Now get out of here and don’t come back.”
As the boy walked out the door, the boss said to the manager, “How long has that lazy kid been working for us?”
“He doesn’t work for us,” replied the manager. “He just delivered a package.”
Question: Why did you leave your last job?
Answer: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.
Translation: It sucked.
Question: What are your biggest weaknesses?
Answer: I’m a workaholic. I just don’t know when to put down my work.
Translation: I can’t concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority, and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
Question: You seem to have moved around a lot in a short amount of time. Why should we think you’ll stay here any longer than
you’ve stayed elsewhere?
Answer: I’m at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
Translation: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only non-competent employees.
Question: How do you handle change?
Answer: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.
Translation: I deal with it everyday unless I’m out of clean underwear.
Question: How do you get along with others?
Answer: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the work place can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.
Translation: I like people, as long as they stay out of my face.
Question: What does the word success mean to you?
Answer: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.
Translation: It means that I don’t have to drag my sorry butt out of bed to kiss yours.
Question: What does the word failure mean to you?
Answer: Failure? I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.
Translation: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance, with the hope of a 6 month extension.
Question: Do you get along with your current boss?
Answer: I don’t think I’d call him a boss; he’s been more of a mentor to me.
Translation: I get along fine considering what kind of a malicious jerk he is.
Question: Do you ever get angry with coworkers?
Answer: Nothing angers me more than to see a coworker not pulling his weight, goofing off, or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with coworkers.
Translation: I don’t get angry. I get even.
Question: Can I contact your references?
Answer: Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.
Translation: Sure, but they wont know who I am.
Question: What words best describe you?
Answer: Compassionate, Creative, Team player, Organized, Efficient
Translation: Genius, Horny, Dog, Clockwatcher, Unorganized, Lazy
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – “and how much money do you make a week?”
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – “here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks – “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters –
“Pizza delivery guy”.
rich people – n. pussies or assholes who get money by underpaying other people to do all the work. Also known as boss. <see boss>
;} pussies that don’t have to work hard or get dirty, but they make lots of money
;} assholes that think they’re better than you only because they have more money
;} assholes that don’t deserve to be rich; people that need to die RIGHT NOW
;} the 10% of the population that makes 90% of all the money
;} a person who doesn’t look a the price side of the menu
murder victim – n. what all my ex-bosses, ex-girlfriends and neighbors need to be
;} what Rappers, fans of Rap music, sports fans, teachers, people under 30, anybody with facial tattoos or facial piercings, lawyers, judges, cops, rich people, foreigners, and people over 70 need to be.
The human resource dictionary is your quick guide to figuring out what those phrases you see from the human resource department of a company.
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
fart-time – n. what employees do when the boss goes out of town
damn right – adj. used to describe the person/people who wrote the definitions for homework, boss, and teacher <see homework, boss, and teacher>
Ex. He was damn right.
boss – n. also known as asshole <see asshole>
; somebody that gets paid way more than you, for the work that you perform, while he does nothing.
baseball bat – n. something I’d like to soak in gasoline and stuff up Sharon Turner’s ass
;} something I’d like to soak in gasoline, stick up my boss’s ass, and light with a flare gun
asshole – n. also known as boss, teacher, co-worker, and police <see boss, teacher, co-worker, and police>
;} most people in the Afghani area.
;} a stupid or annoying person that needs to be shot
;} any person that thinks his or her opinion or definition is more important or more correct than mine.
;} a stupid person that thinks you’re an asshole because you won’t break the rules and/or kiss their ass
;} any person that won’t answer a simple question
;} a bartender that complains when he doesn’t get tips, but he calls you a crybaby when you complain about not getting tips
;} any Harley owner that thinks he’s cool only because he has a Harley.
Ex. Uh, how much did your car and house cost, Mr. Cool? $50,000 & $500,000? No? Then you’re not as cool as you think you are, asshole.