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Quote #22977: This Service

April 26th, 2013 Posted in Quotes | 3 Comments »

“Well, I tried it fo free and decided it had value to me in my work.

I convinced my boss that the company should provide this to me to share large files with my customers.

He finally agreed and now after one use I it doesn’t work!!!!!!!

Thanks YouSendIt I can now eat crow and ask my boss to cancel the subscription!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

- From the YouSendIt forums

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Candy Crush Saga (iOS): A Soccer Mom’s Review

April 26th, 2013 Posted in Game Reviews, Games | No Comments »

This is a satire about the way a certain “parent” would look upon a video game. It’s written as if it was for a site that was run by mothers who denounce controversial video games based on third party information rather than actually experiencing it themselves, and making rash judgments about things they have little knowledge about. The name of this “mother” is Soccer Mom Dave.

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Developer/Publisher: King Games  | Soccer Mom Score:  0/10

How dare they.

They made a game based on candy.

A group of buffoons who have enough gall to create a game so delicious-looking that it influences my children to eat candy!!!!!! All of these developers who made this game will rot in Candy Hell – don’t they know that America’s obesity epidemic starts and ends with the media? Games like Candy Crush Saga influence our children to become stupid, fat, obese adults who want to eat more candy and junk food. Jelly, whip cream, gum balls, exploding candy, chocolate balls with sprinkles that turn everything else into exploding candy! What kind of a sick mind would think of this stuff?

Not only does this game appeal to children, since they put a little child in the game as the main “protagonist” but they also try to appeal to sexy fatherly men who wear suits, just like this butler guy who tells you how to accomplish all of these massively unappealing, evil puzzles while talking in a sultry voice. It is just perfect that this game is a “match-three” game – it influences our children and prospective husbands to always want to eat candy in groups of three, four, or five. Not only that, but you get rewarded for matching higher combos, implying that you will succeed if you eat more candy! What lies are they feeding the general public with their implications!? There are absolutely no disclaimers that this candy is Calorie-Free, or even Fat-Free! Eating candy will kill you. Also, dragons and talking robots do not exist. I don’t know why they even put them in this slow-and-torturous-murder simulator. The dragon probably has diabetes from swimming in sugar water too long.

As if my life wasn’t terrible enough before this game came out, for free, I now have to deal with my children begging me for candy and acting like the whip cream in the game. They hug my knees, and don’t allow me to move until I clear them out. The only way I can get them to leave me alone is by pelting them with candy, just like in the game, and then I can move more freely. Sometimes my children cover themselves with Jelly and the only way to remove the Jelly is by throwing multiple combinations of candy at the Jelly chunks on their faces. My children are also recreating the game board from Candy Crush Saga in our 10-acre backyard with 300+ levels, just like in the game. When my husband gets home, all he does is drink beer and neglect me and my children, so it’s not like he’s going to put a stop to this madness! I wish that I could hire a butler to escort my children around this hugely elaborate candy game that is evolving in my backyard.

And just like the real-life version in my backyard, Candy Crush Saga was probably play-tested by all of three people, none of them paid. What’s the point of balancing a game when you can charge people anywhere from a dollar to FORTY damn dollars to cheat on an unbalanced game? Instead of trying to make the game a “fun,” balanced, and healthy experience, they’ve created a death machine meant to extort money and make the obesity epidemic even worse! Candy Crush Saga takes over the minds of the sheep we call our fellow humans and bleeds them dry for “power-ups” that shouldn’t even exist in a balanced game. No wonder they made 300 levels – you will inevitably be stuck on level 30, and never be able to play the other 90% of the game unless you pay to cheat! The temptation is absolutely unbearable! My children, both with iPhone 5s, have spent nearly 200 dollars each on this game to cheat. In real life, cheating is free — all you have to do is skirt around your obligations and make the other guy pay for the hotel. This game doesn’t teach my children any valuable or “useful” lessons.

Why can’t they make Health Food Saga, instead? It would have relieved my potential stress levels immeasurably. They should have used Fat-free milk, Baby Carrots, Asian Pears, Romaine Lettuce, Cherry Tomatoes and Vitamin Pills.

To conclude, this game needs to be more like real life – STOP PUTTING DELUSIONS IN MY IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN’S HEADS!!! LOOK AT WHAT IT HAS DONE TO MY LIFE, MY HOUSE, AND AMERICA!!! BAN CANDY CRUSH SAGA FROM YOUR iPHONES, PARENTS!  THE RESISTANCE STARTS WITH YOU!

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Quote #22954

April 24th, 2013 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

Customer:  “Workin hard or hardly workin?”

davepoobond:  “Workin’ soft!”

::Awkward silence for a couple seconds::

davepoobond: “Didn’t expect that, huh?”

Customer:  “I’m not even touchin that.”

- at davepoobond’s job

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Quote #22953

April 24th, 2013 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“I’ve always wondered… do you take the stickers off the pencils after you buy them?”

- A customer at davepoobond’s job

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Quote #22951: You Send It are Useless

April 21st, 2013 Posted in Quotes | 1 Comment »

“Every time I try to use it, it prompts me to ‘Log in’. OK, I log in. Then it says: This account is already registered. pleaseLog in. So I log in again. Then it says  This account is already registered. pleaseLog in. So I log in again. Then it says This account is already registered. pleaseLog in. So I log in again. Then it says This account is already registered. pleaseLog in. So I log in again. Then it says… well, you get the picture. IT DOESN’T WORK. Then, when I attempt to contact customer support, the Caht box window resizes itself so the ‘send’ button is cut off. So No chat is possible. So I try to email. ‘Still loading’ after 55 minutes.

So I upgrade. BIG MISTAKE. Now I’ve just PAID top have the message  This account is already registered. pleaseLog in. So I log in again. Then it says This account is already registered. pleaseLog in. So I log in again. Then it says This account is already registered. pleaseLog in. So I log in again. Then it says This account is already registered. pleaseLog in. So I log in again. Then it says… USELESS GARBAGE. Goodbye.”

- from the YouSendIt forums

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Quote #22949

April 9th, 2013 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“This isn’t even a bowl!  It’s a cup!”

- MWMATRD

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Quote #22948

April 9th, 2013 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“When you guys die before me, because of your bad food choices, I’ll be laughing on your grave while suckin’ down my bowl of heaven.”

- MWMATRD

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delasel

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

delasel – n. something that decides to password-protect itself by no intention of anyone but itself

Ex. My hard drive decided to go delasel on me today and now I can’t access it.  I didn’t even set a password!

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molnoah

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

molnoah – n. someone who specializes in drawing elaborate seals for organizations, clubs, etc.

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babricede

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

babricede – v. to leave a loaf of bread, in its packaging on top of a toaster and constantly use the toaster so that the plastic melt into the toaster and into the bread, and not be smart enough to realize that is bad

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xeof

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

xeof – v. to cook in the dark because you feel like being dangerous, not out of necessity

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hohij

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

hohij – n. a lunch break that you didn’t eat anything during

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rogeliase

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

rogeliase – n. a person who has no exposure to names from other cultures, so when you tell them a name from other cultures they are absolutely surprised and don’t understand that it is a name

Ex. Ronald is a total rogeliase — he didn’t know Shuahuawanginst Liaotuwurnb is a name!

-~-

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raboom

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

raboom – n. the emotional and possibly physical impact an important hard drive makes on you when you realize it broke and there is uncertainty as to whether or not the information on it may or may not be recoverable

Ex. This raboom I have from my video hard drive is making me take anti-anxiety pills.

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ABBO

April 6th, 2013 Posted in Fun Links | No Comments »

Found this link today:

http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=14623.0

Thought it was hilarious that they were quoting and linking to one of the very old posts on the Squackle Bulletin Board during 2007.  I don’t have those forums operational or even accessible anymore, but here’s a few choice quotes about Squackle itself from the above link.

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Here’s the story behind it  - http://www.squackle.com/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.cgi?board=submit;action=display;num=1157705918  

Fuck me I laughed when I saw it…..

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I think the golden rule is, if you see something on a place called Squackle that claims to be ‘THE FUNNIEST WEBSITE ON THE NET’, it’s probably not a good idea to post it on CaB. Especially, y’know, when it’s lazily slapped together bigoted shit. I don’t think even Kevin Bloody Wilson performs material that bad any more.

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Expect it to appear on Squackle before elevenses.

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Luckily, a new user to Squackle has voiced my thoughts for me on the site:

Quote from: “Cake”

WHAT A BUNCH OF UTTER RACIST CUNTS.

As far as I’m concerned, the quality (or lack thereof) of the mong is immaterial.  Abbo is a purely pejorative term and is going to stick in my (and most folks) craw as much as any of the equivalents.  Sorry, Sadness, linking to a thread where people are laughing at them for looking like monkeys isn’t much of a get-out.

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A great reply:

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Fuck you! Come here to crit the site, the owner of this site is cool this site is cool and the people who post here are cool. Where is your ultra cool site douchebag? If ya don’t like it then why are ya here?

Nobody tell him…

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Srry dave but my cuz is black I hang with him every weekend and I got this fuck talkin about me being a racist.

If he’s not a racist, why does he only hang with him at weekends?!?  Eh?!  Eh?!

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Well fuck you go home and eat yourself cake! It’s fucking humor cock face!

“It’s only a bit of fun!!!”

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Luckily, a new user to Squackle has voiced my thoughts for me on the site:

That is me.  I joined as soon as i could and put a few posts down around the forum. UNfortunately i told them that the site had no talent compared to B3ta or here.

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