Category Archives: World

Articles about the world.

Microwave Popcorn Theory

How long does it take to get all the popcorn’s popped? After serious amounts of time waisted and a series of failed expirements resulting in the kitchen flooded with Gas of burnt popcorn, I have finally waisted all my time to finally conclude this: Nothing. I have realized over and over that there is no possible way to get all the popcorns popped. Microwave popcorn is the number one cause for house fires and heart attacks and syphillis or insanity. Yes it’s true. There has been also some evidence in Bosnia and Britain that Microwave Popcorn causes the Ebola Virus. Anyways what the popcorn does is it spends about 3:00 minutes of your life watching a stupid thing inflate. This causes you to have anxiety to jump in the microwave, eat the popcorn and get severly burnt.

Also the “Popping” sound isn’t what you think it is. It’s actually a secret code thats transferred to your body. This code says to your body: “Cho mama is so fat, she brushes her teeth wit BUTTER.” Now your body gets all mad and trys to fight it off and shut it up. This causes you to go insane or get syphillis. I’m already insane so I wasn’t affected by the popcorns evil deeds. Beware, the popcorn has something popin up! Get it? Something Popin’ up? You don’t get it do you? Forget it, it’s over your head….

The Ship-Bottle Theory

Now everyone HAS to know how they do it. It’s SO simple. You know what Milk does right? And what does Kix, the cereal, does? They make people GROW right? So, all they have to do is make the opposite of Milk and Kix. They make a formula called Mlik and Punchz. Mlik and Punchz are the opposite of Milk and Kix and they help things Shrink. They feed a ship Mlik and Punchz and the ship shrinks. They then take the ship, wash the poop deck with shit with a sailor who was also shrunk with the ship and they shove the ship and the sailor into a bottle and cork it up. Now the sailor cleans the ship forever in that bottle. How could you not KNOW this?

The Heaven Hell Theory

Is there such thing as Heaven and Hell? Well, Heaven and Hell aren’t what you think they are. Heaven isn’t some Blue wonderful world with puffy white clouds and people playing Harmonicas. Also they don’t have cute little wings and those yellow circle thingies on there head. Heaven is actually, believe it or not, Candy Land. Yes, it is that board game. I mean why wouldn’t it be? It makes sense, doesn’t it? Candy=Everyone LOVES Candy (except for those weird people that give candy OUT on Halloween…what is up with that)? and Land=uh…it’s…uh…land…made out of…candy…Yeah that’s it, Land made out of candy. And people eat away at the land and when the people eat ALL the candy they drop down to hell for being so greedy. Now Hell is not some flaming hot red place with people running around naked with big red buts. No, it’s a series of tortures. Like the: “Beeping computer torture.” This torture is one of the worst of all time. A person sits at a computer and turns it on. The computer beeps. So the person tries and tries and TRYS to fix it but no matter what, it will still keep beeping and beeping and beeping (it drives them on the brink of insanity). Another torture is the “Brady Bunch Torture” where you watch every single gay episode of the Brady Bunch. This turns you fruity and insane…And yet 1 more torture is the “Pick up Machine Torture”. Ever goes to those arcades and go to that machine with the claw where you put money into and try to grab one of those toys with the claw? Now IMAGINE doing that for ETERNITY and NEVER EVER picking up one of those toys with the claw! Ugh that’s HORRIBLE! Who ever thought up tortures like this? Anyways you are FORCED to do it for eternity…I’ve just officially grossed my self out with thinking of these tortures, I’m done…

The End of the World Theory

No no no, i’m sick of all this comet and ice melting crap…the world isn’t going to end like that, see…the goverment of every country will give money to people and the people will run to the casino’s and spend it all…so the whole world goes bankrupt, but then all the casino’s in the world will flood with money and all the people will drown by getting coins and stuff down there throat. When the coins hit the ground, the aliens (who can hear a pin…i mean pants drop from long distances…) think the sound of a coin drop is someone dropping there pants and mooning them…and flashing your ass to aliens is a serious offense and you get your ass chopped off and forced to eat Laxatives (stuff that makes you poop A LOT) and be forced to look at a toilet….the horror….anyways the aliens come and give everyone in the world a purple nurple(twisting your nipple) and a kick in the ass. Now everyone is getting kicked and having aching nipples and so they start a moon war, where who can blind the most enemy eyes with one ass. Now it would be a hard war to win but eventually an old Alien guy called Bubba Lubba Fat Ass Tubba Witha Bubba Tummy Tom would show his big ass and the whole human race will go blind and they’ll be forced to watch…i mean listen too porno movies with out picture (cause there blind) and they’ll kill themselves and the aliens will rule the earth. It’s the truth…

The Big Slap Theory

See the world didn’t begin with a big bang, it began with a big smack. God smacked the devil because the devil was beating him at twister. So god, with his bad sportsman ship and all, said: “I condemm you to be a Human” and the devil said: “NOOOOOOOOO oh well, as long as I get blunts and girls and superbowl’s” So then God smacked him and it created the devil to fart 9 times, each fart let out a planet. (Of course, he farted out venus first cause he just ate a chilly dog with extra cheese) and earth was the last one to pop out. Then god smacked him down to earth and thats how it all began.

This and That Theory

Everyone is always confusing me with right and left. Don’t laugh. It’s very confusing when you think about it. There’s right and left, your right my left, and my right your left. It really all depends on what relation the other person is standing to you. I have come up with a solution to this problem. From now on, insted of left and right, it will be this and that. You may think it sounds even more confusing, but it’s not when you think about it. If you use “this” instead of left and “that” instead of right. There is no more my or your.

Old

“Clip the wire on my right… or is it your right or your left…” :: BOOM::

New

“Clip the wire on that side.” :: World is saved ::

It is the perfect solution for a big problem!

The Media

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Thank you.

Obesity

obesity is no laughing matter. millions of americans die each year because of obesity. 10 billion people died in the last year in kentucy alone…. wait, that doesn’t add up…. i don’t even know what obesity is!! something to do with comfortable fat? maybe? feel free to enjoy some of the more flillousourus (look it up) parts of squackle now. bye.

The Melon Gripe

Melons melons melons. There are so many melons in the world, it’s horrendous: watermelon, cantaloupe, Honeydew Melon. I mean who comes up with these names? I don’t eat Honeydew because its name deceives me into thinking I’m eating honey-flavored rain. And cantaloupe….I don’t even know about that, but I know the majority of it tastes pretty nasty. I didn’t even know there was a u in cantaloupe until I typed this up in Microsoft Word. Thank God for automatic spelling check, huh?

 

I like watermelon. Artificially flavored things that taste like watermelon! Half the time, watermelon has seeds in it, and it’s always too mushy. I like the really crisp watermelon, like how it is around the rinds. Mmm….rinds. The only time I hate the artificial flavoring is when it tastes like plastic.

The Metric System is for Wussies

This entry is part 2 of 4 in the series This Is Satire

This was written as an editorial and given as a speech in front of dave’s 12th grade English class.

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America has come to be the most advanced country in the world. We are a super power, yet we don’t use the metric system, like the rest of the world. Sure, you could say that the U.S. is trying to be different than all the other countries of the world, kind of like how we have cars with the drivers on the left side. But, this is not the case.

The reason America does not change to the metric system, is because the metric system is for wussies. Everything is so easy in the metric system, a scientist may say. Everything goes in increments of ten. Well maybe we don’t want to go in increments of ten. We assert ourselves against this, because we’d rather go in increments of different numbers that don’t have any relation between them. I have grown to love the Imperial/US System of measurement. I can guess how far a mile is better than a kilometer. A mile is a lot more efficient to use than a kilometer, in the U.S. One mile is easier to say than 1.609 kilometers, for instance. If you said you had to run the 1.609 kilometer in P.E. today, nobody is going to understand what that means. They’re probably going to think it was some cheesy relay race.

Besides that, if we actually DID change to the metric system, we’d have to spend billions of dollars changing all the street signs to say 1.609 km to the next exit, and its variables. This money would have been spent on Medicare or helping the homeless, or building another shiny new air craft carrier with a big bow on it, but no, its going to be spent on changing street signs. Street signs too much money to replace.

The movement for the metric system is just another example of a minority ruining it for the majority. What does the majority think? Of course, they’d probably want the system they’ve grown up with their whole lives, and have used almost everyday of their lives. If the metric system were to be in place, all monetary issues aside, it would take a few generations to flush out the use of inches and feet. Textbooks would have to be replaced and tracks would have to be redesigned. The whole sport of football will just become one big confusing experience. Football fields would be made to have 91.44 meters instead of 100 yards. Hooray, he’s made it to the 55.82 meter line! The metric system will go so far as to ruin the way we eat. Gone are the days of using a tablespoon, you have to use a slightly bigger version of it, called the Fifteen Milliliterspoon. How fun is that? Now we have to buy all-new silverware!

However, if we did have the metric system in place, the only conceivable advantage would be that it is easy. It is a lot easier to say how many meters are in a kilometer than it is to say how many feet are in a mile. Everything has some sort of relation to them, and whoever made it thought it just made sense how it is.

However, things are the way they are for a reason. The reason is because it’s been in place since the beginning of the United States, no better reason than that. Nothing good can come out of converting to the metric system. The only thing that CAN come out of it is the spending of money. People are used to the way things are, and there is no reason to change. For those that had tried to change to the metric system, they just had to spend even more money to convert back to the way they had it before. We’ve done without it for 200 years, why not for the rest of time?

Gay Stupid Memorex

A long time ago, there was this moderately good deal for getting a 50 cd pack of cd-rs at Office Depot. The thing was this: get a 50 cd pack of cd-rs and you get a 25 pack of multicolored slim cases, and an 8 dollar rebate. That day, i was filling it out and i sent the rebate out. That was at least 6 months ago.

Now on the 8th of April, i saw another good deal with Memorex cds. This was the deal: 2 packs of 100 cd-rs and 2 packs of 25 slim cases all for a little less than 40 bucks. Those smug bastards think they can get away with me having to buy 150 more slim cases to cover the rest of them. Well they’re WRONG! Anyway, i have to admit that was a good deal. But it got me to thinking. What the FUCK happened to my 8 dollar rebate?! Its been like 6 months! They said it would take a long time, but it shouldn’t take half a year to process a fucking rebate. I want my 8 bucks! What if I had rent to pay, and I needed that 8 bucks THAT month?! Now i’m 8 bucks in debt, and the landlord isn’t letting up on me for that 8 bucks! I don’t have a job, i just can’t PAY anyone I want and BUY anything I damn well please!

Now, I am announcing today, the Get Dave Back His Rebate From Memorex After Buying the 50 CD-Rs With a Free Pack of 25 Multicolored Slim Cases and a Rebate That Never Came Back After He Sent It In Foundation. Or GDBHRFMAB50CDRWFP25MSCRTNCBAHSIIF for short. Now I will stop at nothing to get my 8 bucks back. I will write emails, make phone calls, and I’ll drive over there to Michigan or San Francisco or wherever the hell they are. And you are free to join me in my quest. Write emails to Memorex, with the subject line “Give davepoobond’s Rebate Money, You Fat Pigs” or something along the lines of a denoting them to a farmyard animal.

Be on the lookout for a road trip. If you give me your address, and you’re along the way to either Michigan or San Francisco, I’ll swing by and pick you up. You better bring some money, because I’m not driving a U-Haul, unless you buy one for me, then you can come for free.

10-10-Dead

I remember a time where there were more than just one 10-10 number. 10-10-220, is the only one around anymore that you hear about. 10-10 numbers used to be everywhere you looked. There was 10-10-900, 10-10-100, 10-10-Prostitute, almost anything! But for some reason, they all disappeared, and 10-10-220 remained.

Now, I don’t know what happened to all those other annoying faggot ass 10-10 numbers, but 10-10-220 gets even more annoying with every new commercial. They use washed up actors (ALF) and once-popular-but-not-anymore sports figures (Mike Piazza, Hulk Hogan) and stupid country singers. They put them in stupid situations that wouldn’t happen in a million years, like that country singer guy and Mike Piazza playing darts and wanting some crappy chicken.

Now, I’m getting pissed off at stupid ALF and stupid Mike Piazza even more. Y’know what? They should put Mike Piaza and ALF in the same show. A talk show, like Regis and ____ (I put the blank because lately Regis has been trading hosts around like people at a 10 person orgy). It will be the worst show ever. And Hulk Hogan will be one of the band guys and they’ll have allegedly gay people on to interview like Ryan Seacrest and that stupid host from Married By America. But that’s a different rant.

Terry Bradshaw is another sucker that has fell into the 10-10-220 vortex. Recnetly I saw another commercial with a gopher somehow getting a dollar, and then Terry, who already has millions of dollars, goes down the gopher hole and hilarity(?) ensues….Good job Terry, you got a buck, so you can make a 20 minute phone call. Yaaaaay! DIE TERRY BRADSHAW YOU AND 10-10-220!

FUCK YOU 10-10-220! Why don’t you save YOURSELF 10 cents a minute by stopping your commercials and 10-10-die!

Why They Leave Pistachios In The Shells

The reason is, so they can put less pistachios inside the bag of pistachios because, the shells take up more than half the bag. So, instead of 1 bag, they can make 3 bags out of the same amount of pistachios, so its 3 for the price of 1 and they save money, because they dont have to make people open the pistachios by hand and throw out the ones that dont have a crack in it they just jam it in the bag, and make US do it. WE should get payed for cracking open the shells! BLAHHHHHHH!

Wires

I hate wires. Wires are really really stupid. Wires always get tangled up even if they’re in the same bag with something for 5 damn minutes, and then when you take it out of the bag, its all tangled up with any other wires that were in there, then you gotta spend 30 minutes untangling all the wires from each other, and while you hold a wire in your hand while your unraveling the others, THAT wire tangles up by itself in an even more complicated way, making you unravel the damn wire 2 times. Why can’t they make smart wires? Wires that won’t frickin’ tangle up when you put them together in a bag or whatever? AAAAAAAHHHH!