Email to a “Prison Warden”

this was a really fucking long time ago…I thought it was funny when i was doing it, but its just stupid now, but oh well. I have no idea what web site this was anymore…wow there’s a huge crow in my backyard…

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WHAT?? you send us to preeson??? you cannot do that till you find out i m a illegal in de states compandre! MY MOM IS A NURSE! she’ll get a bucncha cocters to sue you and you will die. i’m going to hak you site. stomp humpig you chair! you pig! you goys shuld make da prisons funner! you should give us guns, so that we can kill you and all your stupid guardsa. I’LL PERSONALLY ESTE OOMPA ON U ASS! I’LL GET MEDIEVEL TO! OPEN A CAN OF WHUP ASS! GET A 2 BY 8 AND KILL YOU! YfOuUcK try and and firger tat one out! I WANT TO HAVE KITTIEs! brecuz of yyour stinking finger i cannot have puppies and kitties in my hands at the ship! yyyyyyoooooouuuu arrrreeee nnnooottt cooollll….i demand a trial with a jury i pick out personnally and you will die. dont foget you will die. u should make the prisons more entertainig. put a chair up in my room. also a computer so ic can hak into you mind and screw up what somehow slipped away from bein screwed up. why would u work in a place lick dis? you get paid? i should have your gob. i am much more quallified dan you. i bet your name is nancy. what kind of a name is nancy for a warden of a prison where they hold a bunch of weirdos liek you een. slap slap slap. screamlikeamoron screamlikeamoron screamlikeamoron. bang bang bang. kill kill kill. eat eat eat. bang bang bang. slap slap slap. kill kill kill. sleep sleep sleep. I just discribed your everyday life.!’, yo should die. you our going to love to die. so satart crying you poo poo head. you shouldn’t dance like a hamster near anybody you know. you shouldnt dance a t all actualy poopp….knock knock, who’s there, you, you who? hi, you suck! guess what?>? its trues! i bet you dont wear shoes! are you a direct decendent of a lady named charles sheen and michale chakson? i bet you look like them. thank you good bye. no you cant come over to my house and have noodles. blah blah blah blah. fah-q fah-q. poopy head person. go poop in a sink you toilet brain. you sour punk. i oughtta bash your head in wit my steel guitar i brought from mexico. remember that i will este oompa on you ass one day in your life. watch you ass. hahaahahaha. i bet you’d actually look at it, wouldnt you? well poop on you. if you read it this far, i am amazed that you can read at all. and no, you cannot go on that date with me that i said you could go out with my dog skiwa and do something that i dont want you to behind my dog. you know what you’re gonna do with him. you shouldnt do things to dogs like that. poo poo brain i stick my tongue out to you =P =p

POO POO HEAD!!!!

 

Dave’s First Date

Well my first date started out ok. I drove up to her with my 82 diesel at 12:00, but that’s when Temporary Dad came out with a shotgun. She opened the door and got in in a hurry, but unfortunately the way I was going was uphill, so I was only going 25 mph, cause the car wouldn’t go over that going uphill. So it ended up with me and Temporary Dad getting into a hissy fit about me wanting to have anal sex with his temporary daughter. I told him not to worry, I wasn’t like that. Then he got happy and gave me the kiss on each cheek thing, then he said “have fun”

So we went to McDonalds. I only had 4 bucks, so i got the 39 cent hamburgers and yogurt parfait. Kimmy got the Big Mac meal, but I made her pay for it cause i only had 45 cents left. I offered it to her, but she didn’t want it.

While we were eating, we didn’t talk, and I just looked around. I ended up going into the playplace, playing the Nintendo games and climbing around in the ball room and the tubes until I got kicked out. She was in the bathroom, vomiting, and when she came out she said “lets go some place fun.” In response, I said “what’s more fun then the McDonald’s Playplace?” She gave me a cold stare, and I said, “ok lets go”

I drove over to the park, and there were lots of kids there. I ran over to the swings (there were only two of them) and the other was being used by another kid. I swung for about 10 minutes, and she watched me from a platform. Then I went down the swirly slide 5 more times. It didn’t look like Kimmy was having fun, because she was by my car door, tapping her foot with her arms crossed. By then it was already 5:00, and I could tell that I was either gonna get laid or get a slap in the face.

Well, I got the slap in the face. It’s not my fault she didn’t like to go down slides…

Good news ladies, I’m STILL available! ::wink::

(This is a work of fiction, by the way)

 

Criticism

I got this on Sep. 30, 2002 at about 5:57:04…

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From Farnelbee:

no offense, but your updates SUCK ASS. i’m a long time visitor on squackle. i remember when the updates used to tell you something. maybe about WHAT THE UPDATE WAS. and whats with this fucking poop troop? all my friends think it’s gay that you (davepoobond) screwed the other members out of their jobs. now some jackass poop troop member says something jackasstastic for each update, trying to be funny, BUT IT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY. ow… i’m getting sore. i’ll be back. i’m gonna start sending more complaints and shit.

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davepoobond’s response:

I understand where you’re coming from, and I thank you for being a “long time visitor” as you put it. I don’t know how long you’ve been coming, but anything over 2 times is good enough for me. I don’t really know what you mean by “explaining,” before, I just said “there’s a new story in the stories section, and there’s a few new pictures, go there and figure out whats new” basically.

The reason behind the poop troops is so that you can know who is a part of the site, and you would see lots of stuff by (its not really the case for most of them), but I’m workin’ on too many things and too many ideas to really focus on the Poop Troops right now.

I don’t know what you mean by “screwing” the other Squackle members out of their jobs, if anything they screwed ME. Most of them have lost interest in Squackle, and haven’t been giving me anything really at all recently. I would love to have them give me stuff on a regular basis, but that’s just not the case with them. Once in a while I get things from stimpyismyname, but that’s it.

What would you like me to do for the updates if you don’t like how it is so much?

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Turns out it was just stimpyismyname.

 

davepoobond’s Trip to Alcatraz

Note: I wrote this for English, and my teacher actually got mad at me because I didnt answer the question correctly

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Well, the most exciting thing that happened to me over this summer. I really didn’t have much exciting things happen to me this summer, except sleeping, and watching TV. I did have one exciting thing happen to me over the summer though. I had gone to Alcatraz, where lots of infamous criminals had been. I had taken the “audio tour” and there was a lot of information about the blocks of jail blocks in the jail.

They named each of the 3 “streets.” One was Michigan Street, Main Street, and some other thing, I forgot. The floor was made out of concrete that looked like it hadn’t been repaved in ages. There was a lot of cracks in the floor, probably from the earthquakes that had hit San Francisco since the 50s.

The Audio Tour had said so much information about each little thing, and had these little sounds of jail cells closing and opening and ringing and whistling and shouting, you name anything that was in the jail, they put it on that tape.

The place that was spent most time at was the cafeteria. There was just a bunch of blue benches in rows, and a space in between some of them, where a table would be. The tape player told me that they had been served very good food, because the rest of the time that they were there were very bad conditions, there was no heat, because the windows were always open, and the sea breeze kept blowing in the jailhouse, and it wouldn’t have been pleasant at all.

After the audio tour, I had lost my family and walked around for like 10 minutes before I found them again. We got on the boat and went back to the mainland, resuming the rest of our vacation to San Francisco.

 

Dustbusting My Keyboard

i was dustbusting my keyboard and this came out:

22222222222224354465555768765444444444444444455555555555555555888777777777hm-0.;-;’=pppppp

Find Your Retard Nam

.-;;;;;;;;;;;; 9888888mmmmmmmmmm7 n666665v4444444x3222!!!!!!!A

jjjjhhgggffffffhhhhhhrrreeeew

 

Things I Would Take From This Era To 1580

I would take these things:

– Stuff that Shakespere hasn’t written yet, but is still his, and claim it as my own work, so I can get money for them selling copies and stuff

– Shoes, so i can put them on my feet

– A large cardboard box to live in, so I won’t be homeless

– A big box of markers, so I can have fun and write criptic messages on things to scare people

 

Proud About 8th Grade

I am proud of a few things that i am proud of about 8th grade

1. I started playing a lot more video games

2. I started playing a lot more computer stuff too

3. I had a lot of fun playing video games and computer games

4. My first quarter report card, compared to the other (2.33 babyyyy!)

High School Goals:

I would like to get good grades in high school, so I can get a job that pays money

 

If I Had a Bathroom Key…

If I found a bathroom key to the 7/8 bathrooms, next year i can open the 7/8 bathrooms, which are nicer and cleaner than the ol’ dirty ciggarette smelling high school bathrooms with my very own bathroom key, unless they change all the locks though, then its useless. i could probably get into reg. classrooms with the key…but i doubt it. haha…go in there and steal a VCR from a teacher i hate. then i wont have to buy one

hmm

i’ll bring a bunch of my friends. we’ll steal the tv, and some more vcrs…probably a few more tvs, but thats when we get a truck, and a few guns, masks, gloves, black clothes, during the night making sure there are no janitors out on the prowel

but, then again, if its just a bathroom key…all we can steal is a towel roll, the knobs on the faucets, and break the towel dispensor

hehe…i’d like to see those stupid new 8th graders use those faucets…

pee all over the mirrors too. when they look in the mirror at their reflection

ohh boy!

they’ll either try to wipe it off to see a clearer view of them or something. hehe….also take the toilet flusher handle thingys off the high powered “toilets.” i mean…you have to have some pretty big pieces of shit to use a high powered toilet

…so we’ll take those off, not like anybody uses them anyway

and if anybody DOES use them…they’ll be in for a surprise they’ll probably have to use a stick they found outside jam it into where the handle used to be and try and flush it without breaking the stick.

hmm

we’ll also take the doors to the toilets. no one uses them toilets, so why do they need doors? and….we’ll take the handles off the urinals

are you even listening?

well, anyway

then we’d go to the men’s bathroom which is much more nicer, so we’ll fuck that up more then go to the girls bathroom do the same crap, but on the door to the bathroom we’ll spray paint “no pussies aloud” and on the door of the toilets, we wont take those because they deserve their privacy…

…sorta..

then we’d go to the women’s bathroom and equally fuck that up

but 7 times more

hmm

i wonder what the charge for all of that would be if we got caught..

anyway, that would be cool

we’d probably get 98 counts of vandalism, give or take a few hundred counts…we’ll also get 5 consecutive lifetimes in prison or a few dozen more…

hehe…that would be cool…

 

Stuff At the Zoo I Was Scared Of

I was scared of swans, flamingos, and monkeys when i was 5 or 6 years old. Swans scared me because they looked like they would eat me. Flamingos scared me, because there were so many of them and I felt they would fly up and eat me. Monkeys scared me because I thought they would jump at me and bite me, then I’d die.

Now, swans, flamingos, and monekys aren’t scary anymore to me, because of things I learned about them.

Another thing I was scared of was this thing that is in the zoo and you push a button and it lets you smell an animal. It scared me because I smelled a bear, a skunk, and a gorilla, and I stayed away from it.

Now, they took that thing away, so I’m not scared of it anymore.

 

A Bus Ride

I was going home from Jack In the Box one day, and since I couldn’t drive then, I had to take the public bus home. When I got on, there was a weird old Spanish lady. When I sat down, we were going along for a while, and the stupid lady kept taking glances at me. It was weird…old Spanish ladies spook me out. You always see them randomly walking around down a street or something, because they don’t have a car or something.

Later on, this weird kid with a cast on his arm, got on, and he sat directly across from me. After about 2 minutes, he asked me “where are you going?” I said, “Home…” Then he says, “Cool…I think I’ll go there, too” That made me raise an eyebrow. I was thinking he meant coming home with me…so when we got to my stop, I got off, the kid got off, and the lady got off. The lady went the opposite direction from me, and the kid was following me, it seemed. I was getting freaked out because he was following me. He followed me for about 4 blocks, then just disappeared. Weird day.

 

Stupid Note #7620: Bad Writing

This note has really bad writing and has random things all over the place. The main part of the note is there, and everything random is after the main paragraph thingy. To make things worst, almost half the paper is gone, 1/4 from the top and 1/4 from the bottom.

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Represent Mama B!!!!

 

hey! I’m in chemistry right now. just, ignore the notes on the other page. I’m happy because I just found out that I have an A in this class. I really hope I get a 3.83 like I want! So, how was your weekend? Mine was boring at my dad’s house.

So, yeah, I was really annoyed w/ the guys. how they only want to hang out w/ us when they can use us! well, maybe I don’t want them to come this weekend. I dunno, now. There I’ve hung out w/ other guys, I realize how rude and mean our guys are I’m not even gonna call them “our” guys anymore. So anywho, who do you like now? I know you want FAG. heehee I’m so just kidding. You know who like…I need to get to know much better. god, tattoo boy is in my class right now and he is so dumb. Its really funny. hey, my-

(rest of the page is ripped off)

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Random things all over the back and such:

-I’m sitting next to (scribble lines)

-I’ll tell you later! she is so stupid

-Represent! Please don’t show anyone!

-Homogenous mixture of two or more substances

-Can be made from all 3 states of mattr.

 

 

Stupid Note #7619

names have been changed to farm animals, to protect the stupid…

———————

Hey wassup,

Okay, right now we’re doing world history group projects. its very interesting. we have to write an article on Charlie Chaplin and radios. you can see with my little doodle down there. (in the middle of the page there is a blob that is smudged) = P wellps i hate this stupid class so much and ive got lak on my hand. hey, pretty interesting pics of mine eh? ive got a funny game i hear in wh – ill tell you, unless i told you all ready. it’s pretty cool. haha…i’m bored as hell. okay, i’m in spanish right now. you’re in spanish right now. well, i feel so stupid because i didnt see you guys and stuff. i think Cow feels wierd around me because whenever im around she’s really quiet and she never looks my direction and stuff. i dont know – maybe my dream will become part true. hey lunch was still cool. = ) They’re like getting funnier and funnier our little “talking” or “going to the lockers” talk. haha. ooo. descanso 5 minutes. but i have to go in like 10. hey sorry this is short. i have to go. i’ll pg you. i love you. Love always, Mule

———————

HEY WASSUP~

So you’re probably in Spanish right now. Sorry im not there to talk to you. i have to play supid tennis. hey – that’d be cool if you came – and you/we went “jogging” haha- anyways. omg- you are soooo good. like what you did was….i feel really embarrassed saying this but – it like felt so good i like….omg-i am soooooooo embarrassed…omg you know- i just dont know how to say it. okies well- i could – no i seriously like wanted to-omg-gaaaahh- i dont but do want to say it. okie. take a deep breath. okie- i like seriously felt like, you know, moan or something. omg i feel sooo love now…anyways – like what you did-it felt good cause like it was new and stuff. and if you don’t want to it’s totally cool w/me. but whatever you want. that’s why i dont really “guide” you, im not sure what you want. well, ps me shoe wel ill call you tonight. i love you soooo much-don’t forget and thanks about me. = ) eur i’ll think about you.

 

Love Always,

Mule

 

The Boy Bands

This was written a long time ago when boy bands were at their prime, and dave was in 8th grade, so that’s why its really dumb

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First, it was Hanson. They gave a bad name to the bands of the 90s. At least they played instruments, even though it didn’t look like it. Then for a very short time it was Leonardo Dickaprio. That was for a pretty short time, but we’re not here to discuss him. Then they came. It was the Backstreet Boys, N’Sync, 98 Degrees, and 5ive. This just makes me sick. Why do they even call them “bands,” anyway? They just sing songs that they didn’t write at all and take all the credit for it when they say stuff like, “Oh, yes, I felt so much love when I was making this song.” It just plain PISSES ME OFF!!!! The only reason they have their success is because they are “hot.” No one gives a crap about how they sound, just how they look. This is also a nation-wide problem.

A lot of girls around here have loved the bsb since 6th grade. Now, we’re in 8th grade. That’s 3 years. 3 years of wasting money on stupid little cds made by these stupid boy bands. Some of them don’t like them anymore. I bet some of them are still jacking off for them too, i bet. I think that most of these immature, screechy, empty-headed girls probably buy one of these boy band’s cds then, throw the cd out and save the pictures.

I myself, being a victim of the backstreet boys, now hate them with all my heart. I wish that i can get all of that dumbass music out of my brain, but some of my mind is still poisoned by these bands. Having a sister that is obsessed with these bands and other little corny solo artists (namely, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera) is not helping at all. Whenever i hear one of these songs, they stick in my mind, and the little part of my mind that is still poisoned, seems to take over.

They whine. They whine so much, that’s half the reason that I get pissed off. They dont even play their instruments, that pisses me off too. Oh, excuse me, like one of those guys from bsb plays a piano. A PIANO! COME ON PEOPLE! A band sucks when it has a piano in it. Look how Ben Folds Five turned out. They have a piano player, and they aren’t popular. Either that, or because the piano player guy isn’t “hot enough” or whatever. Anyway, some people say that bsb plays instruments. They don’t. Belive me. If they did, wouldn’t you think they would be playing it in their videos or at concerts, like normal bands? In case you haven’t noticed during their stupid little performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, there was a bunch of people in the back while they were dancing their stupid little brains out, while people are screaming things like, “KEVIN! I LOVE YOU, MARRY ME!” or “YOU ARE SO HOT! MARRY ME!” MY G-O-D people. That is just plain screwed up. These misguided “bands” are misguiding misguided souls in this misguided world.

This problem that the USA has, has got to be fixed, and fixed fast. They have been taking too much space on MTV’s TRL for too long. If you look at all the requests and the stupid annoying people that talk during the video, they say something about how they look. The countries outside the USA are getting over these stupid bands. They are lucky. Why can’t the same thing happen here? Because they are just too “hot” for girls to hate most likely. Here’s what you can do. If you know someone who loves bsb or nsync or 98 degrees or 5ive or whatever da hell else is out there, go up to them and ask them why they like these stupid little dumbasses, and i bet that 4/5 will say that they think they’re hot. Try it.

 

Oatmeal

Oatmeal is really pointless. When you eat oatmeal, you don’t actually EAT it. You just move around your teeth, pretending like you’re actually doing something with the oats, when you’re not, and just pretty much swallow it the way you put it in your mouth. There’s no point in chewing, had it not been for the way oatmeal sticks together. Oatmeal is dumb. You put sugar on it, but it really doesn’t do much good even then. Ooh, wow. A sugary taste. Wheee!