Joke #18575

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, gerry! Where do you think you are?”

The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.

“Oh, nothing really,” he said with a heavy accent, “I just realized you actually came here for the food!”

 

Joke #18574

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel.

On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel’s bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. “There must be some mistake,” Woody said. “This looks like the bridal suite.”

“It’s okay,” the bell captain reassured him. “If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn’t mean you have to dance.”

 

Joke #18573

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

“How old is the coffee you have here?” I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve only been working here two weeks.”

 

Joke #18571

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re aking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”

 

Joke #18570

A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was dicussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught.

“What was the most exciting discovery you found there?”, asked a fellow professor. One of them replied, “The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leaves of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment.”

Another professor asked, “A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?”

Replied the botanist, “Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

 

Joke #18569

I heard my wife mention one morning while getting ready for Church, “I sure need some new stockings.”

When she went into the bakery on the way home that afternoon, I spied a clothing store next door. So, I thought I would surprise her and went in to buy her some new stockings…

“Can I help you,” the saleslady asked.

“Yes, I would like to get some stockings for me wife please.”

“Sheer?” she asked.

“No, she’s not here,” I replied. “She’s next door at the bakery.”

 

Joke #18566

In the early 1990’s, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work. So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary,

“Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle.”

 

Joke #18565

Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, a blonde traveler was asked by a security agent if she had any change in her pockets.

“Gee,” the blonde says, turning towards her husband, I told you we should of gone to Florida instead…..everyone here expects to be tipped.”

 

Joke #18564

As a soldier approaches a checkpoint in the dark the voice of the sentry suddenly barks, “Halt! Who’s there?”

“I’m an American,” came the reply.

“Is that so? Okay, advance and recite the second verse of the ‘Star Spangled Banner.'”

“It’s, uuuuh, something-something, the morning’s first gleam, tell you the truth I don’t really know it,” came the confession finally.

“Proceed,” said the sentry.

 

Joke #18563

When a golf supply store near our house went under, the only evidence it had existed was a sign that read “Hole in One Golf Supplies.”

Recently, a new company moved into the building. Rather than throw away the sign, the owners merely made a few edits. The sign now reads “Hole for One Mortuary Supplies.”

 

Joke #18562

On my four-year-old daughter’s first trip to Disneyland, she couldn’t wait to get on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.

When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, “Next time, you drive. I didn’t know where I was going.”

 

Joke #18561

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

“Ames”

“Here!”

“Jenson”

“Here!”

“Jones”

“Here!”

“Magersky”

“Here!”

“Seeback”

No answer.

“SEEBACK!

The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, turned a bright crimson red, and quickly turned over the list to continue calling the names printed on the other side.