When her son turned eight, the mom knew he would soon be questioning the existence of Santa Claus. One day, the boy looked at his mom and said, “I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”
Taking a deep breath, his mom responded, “Oh, what is that?”
“They’re all nocturnal.”
Q: What did the salt say to the pepper?
A: “Season’s greetings!”
A teenager needed to wash a sweatshirt. Unsure of the proper water temperature and setting, he hollered to his mom, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” his mother replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
“University of Texas.”
A man took his six-year-old son to his first football game. Afterward, he asked the boy what he thought of the game.
“It was exciting,” he replied. “But I don’t understand why they were killing each other for twenty-five cents.”
“What do you mean?” the dad asked.
“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!'”
Q: Why did the boy take his baseball bat to the library?
A: Because his teacher told him to hit the books.
Q: It can be cracked; it can be made. It can be told; it can be played. What is it?
A: A joke.
Q: What kind of coat can only be put on when wet?
A: A coat of paint.
Q: It is weightless, but it can be seen. Put it in a bucket, and the bucket will be lighter. What is it?
A: A hole.
Q: What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?
A: A river.
Q: A woman gave birth to two sons who were born in the same hour of the same day of the same year, but they were not twins. How is this possible?
A: They were two of triplets.
A man entered an ice cream shop and asked, “What flavors of ice cream do you have?”
“Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her throat, and seemed unable to continue.
“Do you have laryngitis?” the man asked sympathetically.
“No,” the girl whispered. “Just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.”
Q: What’s big, red, and flies?
A: A fire truck.
You kno the expression make it rain? It means to throw money on ho’s. I made my own expression. Make it hail. I throw change at sluts. Theyll be like ” Stop, ow. wahy r u doin this! Wat r these nickels?!? Why r u doing this?!?” Ima b like “Cause ima baller on a budget bitch!!!”
There were three blondes on an island and they didn’t know how to go home. A genie came along and granted each of them a wish.
The first blonde said: “I want to be smart enough to get off the island.” So she swam back home.
The second blonde said: “I want to be smarter than the first blonde!” So she built a boat and went home.
Then, when the genie asked what the third blonde wanted, she said: “I want to be smarter than all of them!”
So she walked across the bridge!