uhh…Sport…No…Weather…No…Ah who cares Episode 4

Dude with Top stories

Jack with half of half of half of half X 10 to the 32ed power

Sweaty with being kicked off the show for last nights incident

They all walk in

Sweaty: Hi Jack….Hi (giggles) Dude

Dude pulls out a gun


Dude fires 6 rounds into Sweaty’s head

Jack looks down and starts crying

Dude: Wussy

Jack: No i have somethin in my eye

Dude: Let me see

Jack looks up showing he has a Canadian African American Japaneseian Wasp in his eyes

Dude: DUDE thats sick

Jack pulls the thing off his eye and throws it in Sweaty’s mouth

Dude: Well i think we should actully do some news

Jack: Ok

Dude: With top stories…(glances at paper)I slept with Sweaty last….HEY JACK

Jack starts laughing

Dude: err

Dude: Well with other news Jack’s mother in really a Panda made out a pure Canadian dog crap

Jack: HEY

Dude:ok ok lets make a truce

Jack: errr what ever

Dude: Well theres nothing elese except that Clock Tower 2 has been released and man it sucks…but no worry…number 1 one is a lot better

Jack: All this new sucks lets get to the super bowl

Dude picks up the super bowl tape and tears it apart


Jack gets really red and explodes higher than the empire state building then an air plane hits him

Dude: What you have just seened is a replay of what happened eairlier today…we will no show you what happened inside the plane

Pilot: Hey wheres all the flight attendents

Flight Attendent: Yes what do you need

Pilot: I wanna pinch your butt

Flight Attendent: WHAT

Just then the pilot wasnt watching where he was going and then sundenly they ran into what they thought was a giant piece of duck crap but was really just Jack’s head

Dude: Thus ends this story…next time I will have 2 new peoples for this show since both Jack and Sweaty are dead…until next time this is the 6 o’ clock news….Dude signing off

News Music starts to play


Super Secure Trash Cans

Announcer Guy: hello, I am the announcer guy that seems to be the voice of every commercial and movie trailer that has an announcer in it, and I don’t get any flippin’ credit! How do people know how to hire me? I’m not exactly rich, because I’m not put into the credits or anything. But somehow, this Trash Can Company called the Super Trash Can Company hired me for 15 and a half bucks to tell you about their new product, the Super Secure Trash Cans.

(Announcer Guy walks net to a trash can)

Announcer Guy: are you pissed off at assholes trying to steal your garbage so it doesn’t go to the dump, and they’d actually probably get some use out of your trash? Now, if you buy these new trash cans, keys come with them, so you can lock and unlock your trash cans! Ain’t that great? There’s also a way to get thieves that really mean business-wanting to cut open the trash can with an axe or by any means necessary including, but not limited to

(scrolls really fast)

  • Drowing the trash can
  • Cutting it open with an axe
  • Ramming it with a bulldozer
  • Fast-talking politician-type speech

Announcer Guy: If you get the Deluxe version, the trash can defends itself. Observe.

(Announcer Guy walks nearer to the trash can)


Announcer Guy: most people would have crapped their panties already, but if they realllllllllly want your trash can that badly, and take one step closer…

(Announcer Guy takes one step closer)

Trash Can: you asked for it, asshole

(Trash Can sprouts legs and arms, and the Trash Can reaches inside and takes out a shotgun, blowing Announcer Guy away, and stomping on him over and over)

(The Trash Can runs around blowing away the camera guys and staff)

(The screen cuts to the Technical Difficulties sign with Dacky on it, playing classical music)

(fade out)



uhh…Sport…No…Weather…No…Ah who cares Episode 3

Dude with top stories

Jack with sports

Sweaty with … uhm … well nothing really


Jack: Hey we are live

Dude: Uh oh

Jack: Quick turn the game off

Dude: Turns the game off

Sweaty: Hey uhh i need a tissue you never gave me one last week

Dude: Dude get one yourself

Sweaty: Whats that mean

Dude: …


Dude: …

Sweaty: …


Sweaty: whats half mean

Dude: ugh this show sucks

Sweaty: show…i like that word

Dude: man this may be true, may be not true, but……i forgot what i was gonna say


Sweaty:whats that mean

Jack: …

Dude: Hey…why is my name Dude

Jack: Uh the guy making this story named you that

Dude: Dude, so I’m not real

Jack: I dunno

Dude: so can he make me do what ever he wants

Jack: I guess so


Maker Of This Story: Oh yeah

Dude: Hey what the…(Dude starts frenching sweaty)

Maker Of This Story: How do ya like that

Dude: SICK

Sweaty: HuhHuh … i liked it

Jack and Dude look at him very strangly

Dude: DUDE does he even know the diffrence between boy girl

Jack: uhm…dunno

Dude: well its gettin late im goin home

Jack:me too

Sweaty: HEH

As Dude got inside his house he got his jammies on and got in his bed.

To his surprise he saw a man…but not any old man…and the man was in his bed…it was… SWEATY




Herb Orgasmic Essence

Two guys are taking a shower together…one is putting soap all over his body and the other is…”helping him”.


Bubba: “Ok now bend those legs! I need to scrub underneath!”


Vitch: “Oh ttthhhuper!”


Vitch bends over like the Vitch he is and Bubba scrubs his backside and grundel area. Vitch stands up again.


Vitch: “Ok pass the Herb Orgasmic Essence shampoo. I need to wash my hair.”


Bubba: “Don’t forget your pubes, they smell like ass.”


Bubba passes over the Herb Orgasmic Essence shampoo and Vitch takes a handful and puts his all over his hair.


Vitch: “Oh yeah! OH YEAH! OHHHHHHH!”


Suddenly a splat sound is heard and Bubba and Vitch look down.


Vitch: “Oh Shit…”




Vitch: “My bad dogg! I didn’t mean to…it’s just this Herb Orgasmic Essence shampoo gives me an orgasm every time I use it…I have no Idea why…”


Bubba: “Well if anyone saw this, INCLUDING your wife, they think we’re gay or something! The fuck is wrong with you man?”


An Ahem is heard off screen and Vitch and Bubba turn to the camera.


Bubba: “Is that…Is that a…VIDEO CAMERA?”


Vitch: “Oh yeah…I promised them I’d shot a Herb Orgasmic Essence commercial. Didn’t I tell you.”


Another splat is heard and Bubba gets pissed.


Bubba: “You…fuckin….bitch….”


Bubba tackles them and they start wrestling in the shower while a whole bunch of splats are heard. Suddenly, Vitches wife comes…ewww…comes into the bathroom to see her husband and his best friend naked in the shower with a video camera taping them…




Marianne storms out and Bubba picks up Vitch and throws him against the camera man and the screen goes black.


uhh…Sport…No…Weather…No…Ah who cares Episode 2

Jack with Sports

Lucky with weather

Dude with inside bathroom information

Dude: Hello and we are back…todays top stories…people can lay really big turds

Lucky: Whoa…what do they look like

Dude: Well the ones in here are all long and mushy

Lucky: COOL, let me come in

Dude: i cant open the door, you have the key dont you

Lucky: Well yes, but i locked you in from the outside…and thats impossible so come on out

Dude: DUDE im out…and i can breathe


Dude: Dude the super bowl was over last week

Jack: but i taped it

Dude: How many times have you watched that thing

Jack: uhh………………..24

Dude: (wipes his head)

Lucky: Hey the weathers great

Dude and Jack: OK THATS IT

Lucky: what

Dude: lets put an end to him

Jack: OK

Dude and Jack: (they kill Lucky)

Dude: Now who will we get for replacement

Jack: I know…one of my friends but he doesnt know anything about weather…infact he hasnt even been to highschool

Dude: Perfect

Jack: here he is, his name is MeladramaticOutaInsaneStandByMySide

MeladramaticOutaInsaneStandByMySide: uhh gotta tissue

Dude: Les call him somethin elese

Jack: Well My friends and thine call him Sweaty

Sweaty: Yeah see (he raises his armpit)

Dude:thats just sick

Jack: I gotta idea…instead of this being news…lets jus make it ShortNews cause the creater of this is to lazy to make to long

Dude: alright



Twiggs Cereal

Two kids are standing in a Forrest, at midnight, eating a bowl of Twigg’s cereal as a hippopotamus is hiding behind a tree, listening in on the kids.


Little Jimmy: “Yum this Twigg’s cereal sure is good…it has the real taste of wood with a hint of pine cone!”


Little Susie: “It’s a good thing that we decided to walk out in the Forrest at midnight and eat our Twigg’s cereal, especially with all those serial killers and priests walking around!”


The hippopotamus hiding behind the tree whispers to the TV screen.


Hippopotamus: “I’m going to dress up as a Priest so I can get some Twigg’s cereal!”


He dresses up as a priest behind the tree and he walks over to the kids.


Hippopotamus: “Hey kids! How about letting me get into the Twigg’s cereal! I’ve been at Children’s Ass…I mean Mass all day…boy it’s exhausting!”


Little Jimmy: “Sure thing Mrs. Priest Ma’am!”


Little Jimmy hands the ‘priest’ a bowl of Twigg’s cereal.


Hippopotamus: “Finally the great taste of the Forrest in one bowl of cereal! That woody pine cone flavor putting splinters into my mouth as I scream in pain!”


He starts dancing and he trips over a log and falls down, his priest clothing falling off, revealing his true fat self!!!!!


Little Susie: “It’s the hippo…hippo…hippotumas…eh however the fuck you say it…”


Hippopotamus: “Hippo – pot – thomas”


Little Jimmy: “You ludicrous hippopotamus, Twigg’s are for preadolescent homo sapiens!”


Hippopotamus: “Oh fuck! I mean…Oh Darn!”


The kids start laughing at him as he stands up and they take away his bowl of Twigg’s cereal. The Hippopotamus growls angrily and eats Little Jimmy in one bite.




Hippopotamus: “Come here BITCH!”


Little Susie starts running away and the Hippopotamus follows as they run off screen and then you hear bloody screams and things getting ripped to shreds as you see shoes and clothing and a few arms and legs fly by the screen. The scene ends when the bloody screams end and you hear a loud belch.


“Twiggs Cereal…part of your complete morning wood.”


uhh…Sport…No…Weather…No…Ah who cares Episode 1

Jack with sports

Lucky with weather

Dude with top stories

Dude: Hello and welcome tonight we have-

Lucky: Is it my turn?

Dude: … NO…as I was saying-

Lucky: The weather outside is good for-

Dude: Dude like, its my turn quit bustin in

Lucky: But the weather is good

Dude: Don’ make me hurt you

Lucky: Hey do you have a pet monkey?

Dude: …

Lucky: I have one…actully two…last night there were really strange noises

Dude: OOOOOOK…thats enough of that

Lucky: and the weather…its simply-


Jack: Hey super bowl is on…YEE HAW

Dude: oh boy now Jack

Lucky: Sports SUCK


Lucky: …well,uhm,yeah

jAcK: err get ready to die

Lucky: Hey look the guy making this story made your letters funny

jAcK: huh?

Lucky: look up, it says jAcK and not Jack

jAcK: why i’m gonna kill him…HEY YOU CHANGE MY LETTERS BACK

Jack: thanks…

Dude: dude now with top stories…hey where’d my top stories paper go?

Lucky: Uh nowhere…there uh over there behind the bathrookm door.

Dude: I’ll go get ’em (Dude starts walking in the bathroom)

Lucky: (locks Dude in the bathroom)good enough of him




Bozo the Clown Deodorants

Bozo the Clown: Hello, I died. Pay your respects to the original one and only Bozo the Clown (me) by buying my new line of deodorants.


(Bozo the Clown shows the bar of deodorant)


Bozo the Clown: It comes in many flavors. In addition to making you smell great…


(Bozo the Clown licks the deodorant)


Bozo the Clown: It tastes great!


(Bozo the Clown gives a thumbs up)



Insta-Pantie Party Spray

(Insta-Pantie Party Man is dancing with a bunch of girls. He stops, but the girls keep dancing. All the girls are down to their underwear, as well as Insta-Pantie Party Man. It looks like he has at least 20 pairs of women’s panties on)

(Insta-Pantie Party Man snaps his fingers, and all the girls disappear)


Insta-Pantie Party Man: Hello, would you like this to be your everyday life? If so, listen on!


(Insta-Pantie Party Man walks to a different part of his house)


Insta-Pantie Party Man: Hi. I’m Insta-Pantie Party Man, and I’m going to tell you about a new discovery in the very interesting field of Pantie Pary Research.


(Insta-Pantie Party Man takes out a bottle from his panties and displays it, pointing at it with his free hand)


Insta-Pantie Party Man: Introducing the all new Insta-Pantie Party Spray! Just spray…


(Insta-Pantie Party Man sprays a little and hot girl appears out of nowhere in her panties, dancing)


Insta-Pantie Party Man: -and you instantly have a Pantie Party! Just keep spraying, and you get more! We have several types of Insta-Pantie Party Sprays available. We’ll have them scroll the screen really fast, so get your pens ready!


(scrolling really fast)

12 year old and under Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Teenager Insta-Pantie Party Spray

20 – 30 years old Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Mid Life Crisis Insta-Pantie Party Spray

“Middle Aged” Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Senior Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Friggin Old Insta-Pantie Party Spray

“I just can’t get it up, but maybe this will work” Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Dogs Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Giraffes Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Hippos Insta-Pantie Party Spray

and all new Clown Insta-Pantie Party Spray, and Pirate Insta-Pantie Party Spray


Insta-Pantie Party Man: all these come in male, female, hemaphrodite, transexual, bisexual male, bisexual female, trisexual, and trisexual with goozaks. You can find them at any Pool and Spa stores




Tyson and Friends Episode 2

Announcer: What happens when you put a bunch of boxers into a house to live with each other? You get…TYSON AND FRIENDS!!!


(Evander, Tyson, and Oscar are huddled around a flashlight and a phone in Tyson’s room)


Evander: we’re going to have to be quiet, so we don’t wake up the Hurricane


Tyson: oh, don’t worry about it….Betsy will keep him busy ALL night


Oscar: ugh…I hate that Betsy


Tyson: ok…so….who are we going to call? Its 2:00 in the morning, so, anybody we call will be instantly pissed off. Luckily, we might call a truck drivers house and wake up the truck driver, cuz he has to go at 5:00 in the morning and got home at 12:00 in the morning….so……..yeah…..


Oscar (punching in numbers): rinnnnnggggggg riiiiiingggggggg


(Evander raises an eyebrow and takes the phone away from Oscar)


Oscar: HEY! I usin that phone!


Evander: you had your turn…….my turn…..i’m gonna call a psychic hotline……that Cleo fag that keeps taking up all that time on the TV guide channel and shit channels like that


Oscar (scratching his head): well, ok, but I get to talk too


Evander (putting the phone on speaker phone): fine, we’ll all be able to talk


(Evander calls the psychic hotline with Cleo)


Cleo: hello, baby! You’ve reached Cleo!


Evander: FAG!


Cleo: well, that’s nice, tell me your name and birth date, and I’ll tell you your fortune!


Oscar: FAG!


Cleo: oh! So you name is FAG!, eh?


Tyson: FAG!


Cleo: and you birth date is FAG!, also…well, let me see here…


(a few seconds pass)


Cleo: well, it says here for you that you will go to bed…have a nice day, good bye, and thank you for your money!


(Cleo hangs up)


Tyson: that was extremely gay


Evander: eh….ok…..yeah, it was..


(Oscar farts)


Tyson: ……


Evander: right…lets call another number


(Tyson bangs his head on the dial pad)


Evander: its ringing!


Oscar: yeehaw!


Phone: hello, you’ve reached Closet World, can I help you?


Evander: OH SHIT!


Phone: what? What is it?


Evander: I need a closet!!!! Send one right nowwwww!


Phone: how big?


Evander: well, 111 feet by 10 centimeters


Phone: umm…ho-


(Evander hangs up)

(Tyson and Oscar start laughing, and the phone rings)


Tyson: oh crap! Don’t pick up!


(the phone rings and the answering machine picks up)


answering machine: hello….may I speak to the head of the house? Hello? Hello? Hell-


(the answering machine cuts the guy off)


Tyson: haha


Evander (growling): this is getting really boring…


(Tyson, Evander and Oscar all fart a really stinky fart and pass out)



Gas Station Shades

Manny With No Fanny – Hello! I’m Manny With No Fanny, and I work at every gas station you can imagine, because *I’m* the guy that owns them all

(Manny starts pacing)

Manny: *I* have a great cheap product in all my gas stations now! You can buy them for a buck a piece! They’re sunglasses and they come in various shapes and sizes! Best of all, they’re at all my gas stations! Buy them now or die!



The Poyfect Storm

(there are 2 ships coming in from fishing all month)

(Sosie, the girl captain on the other boat picks up her CB Radio transmitter thingy and talks into it)


Sosie: wheee!! how u doin George?


(George, the other guy on the the other ship that is the captain of it picks up the CB radio transmitter thingy in his ship)


George: fart!


Sosie: oh, dont be mad, just cause i got about……..50 times more fish than you!


George: nyak! we only got a few sardines. we had more bait than what we caught!


Sosie: well, thats not my fault…




Sosie: well…..poop!


(George and Sosie’s boats come into the harbor)


(later, at the office of the Fish Master…)


Fish Master (jaw dropping): only a few sardines George? man…..you just S-U-C-K


George: yeah, i know…..but this time, i’m going back out and getting some fish! lots o’ fish!


Fish Master: grr……you better! or i’ll be using you as bait!


(later at the bar…)


Dick: hey, Honey, lets go have sex upstairs and come back later!


Honey: alright!


(they go upstairs)

(next day…downstairs)


Dick: hey, george whats happening?


George: do you, fat head, toughy and jumpy wanna go on a fishing trip of our lives?


Dick: HELL YEAH! Lets go!


Honey: dont go!


Dick: forget you!


Honey: blah blah blah


Dick: yadda yadda yadda! i’m going, u cant make me not go


Honey: fine, go kill urself


(in a lab somewhere in the middle of Arizona)


scientist guy: whoa! look at that storm thingy off the coast of Massachusetts!


assisstant: oh, wow, thats neat….


scientest guy: you could be a meteorologist your whole life and never see anything like this…


assisstant: but…you already saw it….


scientist guy: …….oh yeah…..this should be called……….The “Poyfect” Storm!


(poyfect storm echoes)

(meanwhile, on the boat)


George: ooh! we have a quarter of a million dollars worth of fish! oh, look a storm! lets go into the middle of the 3 storms i see there and risk our lives to get the fish home in time!


fat head: uhh……


George: LETS GO!




jumpy: ack! water!


toughy: bah! this is noth- ::dies::


fat head: barrellss!!!!!


Dick: pirates!!


George: ICE CREAM!


jumpy: chocolate syrup!


(jumpy squirts some chocolate syrup on everyones ice cream)

(jumpy jumps over the side)


jumpy: gotta save the dead fish!


fat head: the fish are below deck!


jumpy: ……uh oh…..::dies::


George: Oh well! I’m the main star! i cant get killed!


terroist: hahahah! i rigged the ship and it is set to blow! you’re all gonna die!


fat head: oh no!!!! save the fish!


(fat head tosses some fish over the side)


Dick: nooooo! what are you doing?!?


fat head: ….saving the fish….::tosses another one over:: goooo! save yourself!!


(a shark pops up and eats the fish)


fat head: gulp! there are sharks here!


(Dick pushes fat head over the side and fat head gets eaten)

(a pirate appears at the top of the mast on the ship)


pirate: water, ho!


George: WATER!?! more water?!?


(George runs around in circles flailing his arms everywhere)


terrorist: ACK! i’m allergic to water!


(a tidal wave comes and makes the terrorist fly in the air and plop into the water, screaming, and dies)

(Dick stands on his head)


Pirate: nooo!! ::jabs himself with his sword and falls over into the water::


George: hmm……


(George looks around and shrugs)


George: poof!








all the guys that died were extras and we dont care about him


george: george clooney


Dick: norm mcdonald


fat head: roseanne


jumpy: Mr. Kangaroo Trainer at the LA Zoo


toughy: Arnold Schwarzenegger


Tyson and Friends Episode 1

Announcer: What happens when you put a bunch of boxers into a house to live with each other? You get…TYSON AND FRIENDS!!!


(Tyson, Oscar, and Evander are sitting on a couch watching TV)

(Tyson is flipping through the channels with the remote)


Oscar: Man, they ain’t no good thing on!


Evander: no, its they ain’t nothing good on!


Oscar (yelling in Evander’s face): I say how I want!


Evander (yelling in Oscar’s face): No! It’s, I say how I want to!


Oscar: I NO CARE!




(Evander shoves Oscar out of his face)


Ruben “Hurricane” Carter (yelling from the back): Would you shut the hell up before I beat you down wit my cane?!?


Oscar (standing up and yelling toward the back): You cannot beat me wit silly cane, old man!


Tyson: Sit yo’ ass down!


(Tyson tugs on Oscars shirt till he sits down)

(there’s a knock at the door)


Tyson (yelling at the door): Who is it?


Oscar: YA! WHO IT BE?


Betsy: It’s Betsy!




Oscar: Yes! Go away, we no want sugar today!


Evander: …and I dont wanna see your tight tiger skin pants on your flabby legs!


Betsy: Oh, comonnn….I have meat clips on today!


(all of them make weird faces)


Tyson, Oscar and Evander: EWWW!!


Tyson (whispering to Oscar and Evander): I know a way to get rid of her!


(Tyson takes out an old Arabian lamp from the couch)


Tyson (holding the lamp high up to the light): SEE???


Oscar: What it do?


Tyson (dissapointed): You are supposed to squint because the lamp is so shiny!


Evander: Its not shiny…its dirty!


(Tyson punches Evander on the arm)


Tyson: NO…it ain’t


Ruben “Hurricane” Carter: I want some milk!


(Oscar stands up and yells toward Ruben’s room)


Oscar: I no want give milk!


(Tyson rubs the lamp and a thing comes out of it)


Evander (looking up at the cloud of smoke taking a shape): Is that…Mohammed Ali???


Mohammed Ali: What do you want master?


Tyson: I want you to get rid of Betsy…


(Betsy knocks on the door again)


Tyson: …and give old Ruben some milk.


Oscar: I solve problem!


(Oscar opens the door and lets Betsy in)


Betsy: I knew you’d come around!


Oscar: I no want milk! Give Ruben milk!


(Betsy runs to Ruben’s door and opens and closes it)


Ruben: HUH??? Betsy! How did you get in here??


(kissing sounds come from Ruben’s bedroom)




Tyson (looking at the bedroom door): well…I guess that’s ok…


(Tyson looks up at Mohammed)


Tyson: You can go into the lamp now…


Mohammed: …ok…


(Mohammed disappears into the lamp)

(Tyson picks up the remote control and starts flipping through the channels again)


Tyson: Well, there’s nothing on…


Evander: Yeah, I guess so…


Oscar: Let make prank phone call!


Tyson: Hey, that’s a good idea!


Oscar (tapping his head with one finger): I know I be smart


(Evander yawns)


Evander: Its a little late…let’s do it tomorrow…


Tyson: Yeah, I guess it is pretty late…


(everybody goes to their bedrooms and go to sleep)