Johnny Hotfoot Adventures: Staple My Ass

This entry is part 1 of 1 in the series Johnny Hotfoot Adventures

Hi. My name is Johnny Hotfoot, and I work for Satan.

I get paid minimum wage of $7 an hour. That’s the going rate in Hell right now. There’s probably not going to be any increase in it for a while, but hey, I get by.

Now you’re probably wondering who I am, how I died and what I do for a living to get paid $7 an hour in Hell.

Well, I was one of those guys that walked on hot coal, hence the name Johnny Hotfoot. I was a freak at one of those circuses, because I had very large callouses on my feet. I’ve walked on about 300 miles on hot burning coal. You can’t imagine how hard it is to find a decent pair of shoes.

I died because as I was walking on coal, a portal to Hell opened up and I fell in. It doesn’t happen usually, but that time I died. Now, I’m Satan’s “special guy.”  I go and do “special things” for him. Now you’re probably wondering “Why the Hell do I care?” But, you’ll care. Because I’m going to tell you about my zany adventures in a very very long running series on the best site on the internet, Squackle.com!

So, its morning.  The huge ball of fire’s dark and evil light shone through my windows.  I live in a one bedroom apartment in the ghetto of Hell.  Its not necessarily a bad place, but since about half of the people in Hell are rich, they live in a house that is as big as the Earth.

Hell is not a physical place.  It is a spiritual one, and in the spirit world, everything is different.  There is an endless amount of space and you can do whatever you want.  Except go to Heaven.  No one likes it up there.  You wear dresses and everything and everybody is white.  Its almost like the Puritan’s America, but with clouds and instead of dinky hats, they have halos floating around.

At about 10:00 AM Satan gave me a call on my Hell phone, the Hell version of the Cell Phone.  Not many people know this, but AT&T Wireless supplies us with our phone service.  They, dare I say, signed a deal with the devil.  Hahahaha I crack myself up.

Anywho, Satan said, “yo my bro dawg diggity, go on down to the licka store and buy me some Rolaids.  I got massive heart freeze here, my bro dawg diggity.  Peace out.”  So, I went to the liquor store.

As I was walking in, a group of demons were playing around with some staple guns they bought from the liquor store.  Lucky me, one of the staples strayed and hit me in the ass.  “Ah! Sonuva BITCH!” I yelled as I held my ass.  “Who the FUCK do you think you’re dealin with here, I’m going to rape you all you fucking cocksucking demon stupid ass WHORES!” So I took out my long John and wrapped them up with it.  They couldn’t get away now.

“Oh fuck! You really did it this time Fred!  You’re gonna get us raped and beaten!” One of the demon’s yelled.

 

And so I did.

 

Then, after I finished up, I got some Rolaids for Satan, and gave them to him.  He thanked me.

 

Don’t Do Drugs

 

The End.

 

Thank You Note Samples For You To Use

Nothing says thank you like a piece of paper with words written on it.  In fact, they call it a “Thank You” note.  But why do you have to reinvent the wheel when you can just copy what I’ve wrote in the past and modify it towards your specific situation?  These samples are only really useful for someone who has graduated from high school but has yet to go to college.  Nifty, ain’t it?

I think I did a damn fine job with these Thank You notes, so here they are!

SAMPLE 1 (For a college graduate):

Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),

Thank you very much for the very generous (INSERT ITEM HERE, OR SAY “GIFT” OR “PRESENT”), as I know this will most certainly help me in my college years, and also help prepare me for my future life after college.

I want to express how much it means to me that you’ve always been there for me throughout my life.  If you had not been able to take me to my medical, dental, and other appointments when I had no other way to get there, it would have been too hard to get to those appointments.  I also want to thank you severely for all the times you came over to our house and made food for us.

SAMPLE 2 (For moving away to college):

Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),

I want to thank you for the (INSERT ITEM HERE, OR SAY “GIFT” OR “PRESENT”) you gave me.  It was very generous of you to do so, and I will definitely make use of it when I go to college.  It will help make college easier for me, because I will have the ability to buy things for my room, making my day-to-day life easier.

I’ve always thought of you as family, and appreciate your compassion and support through the years.

SAMPLE 3 (For a High School Graduate):

Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),

Thank you very much for being able to attend my high school graduation.  It means a lot to me that you were able to take off work and drive all the way over to (INSERT YOUR CITY) to see it.  It was very meaningful to me that you both have supported me as much as you could through the years, and helped me out as much as you can, even though you live far away.

I appreciate the very generous graduation present you gave me.  I will always remember your generosity and support.

 

The Stupid Nerdy Annoying Asshole Idiot Tally Sheet

The following is a tally of how many times this annoying asshole in my physics class said certain things over the period of about 5 days.  I only wrote the dates down for the first 2 days.

He would always say certain things out loud — he had no self control in keeping his god damned mouth shut and not make any noise while we tried to take notes from the teacher.  He was this huge, 8 foot tall, fat, nerdy guy that sat in the front row and always wore a red shirt with arm pit stains.  He always had a rolling backpack so you could hear him coming down the hall.  He also had nerdy glasses on, as if the previous wasn’t enough to cement the fact he’s a stupid nerd.

I lost interest after those 5 days because he did these so many times, it wasn’t worth counting anymore:

Says “mmhmm:”

Feb 14, 2005:  13 times
Feb 15, 2005:  34 times
3rd day:  5 times
4th day:  13 times
5th day:  25 times

Says “mmhno:”

Feb 14, 2005:  1 time

Answers a Question (but usually mumbles to himself rather than actually raising his hand to legitimately answer it):

Feb 14, 2005:  16 times
Feb 15, 2005:  68 times
3rd day:  12 times
4th day:  20 times
5th day:  11 times

Says “right:”

Feb 14, 2005:  2 times

Says “no:”

Feb 14, 2005:  8 times
Feb 15, 2005:  8 times
3rd day:  6 times
4th day:  3 times
5th day:  4 times

Says “hmm:”

Feb 14, 2005:  2 times

Says “yeaah:”

Feb 14, 2005:  1 time
Feb 15, 2005:  1 time

Says “unhunh:”

Feb 14, 2005: 2 times
Feb 15, 2005: 3 times
3rd day: 1 time
4th day: 1 time
5th day: 2 times

Says “Yep/yes:”

Feb 14, 2005: 1 time
Feb 15, 2005: 8 times
3rd day: 7 times
4th day: 3 times
5th day: 2 times

Does something stupid (with elaboration):

Feb 14, 2005:  6 times

1. Didn’t bring a Scantron for a test.

2. Somehow lost his study guide since the last time it was given out (which is the 2nd time it was passed out) – counts as 2.

3. Yawned like a vampire

4. Answered a question wrong.  Saying, it wasn’t 300,000 km/hr for a light year.

5. Answered a question wrong.  Professor said, “nice guess.”

Feb 15, 2005:  5 times

1. Said Moon cycle was 273 days, when it is actually 29.5

2. Said “I love the moon!”

3. Laughed after answering question wrong

4. Nodded his head and looked at the rest of the class, as if looking for people to agree with him.

5. Yawned like a vampire, really loudly.

3rd day: 1 time

1. Someone told him to shut up, but kept doing his same shit.

 

Dan is a CPA

Dan is a CPA.  He is a good CPA.  He spent 20 years of his life in school to become a CPA.  He got a job with the United States government, and he did CPA-ing to its finest.

He was nominated for best CPA at the CPA-award giving awards.  But he lost to some other guy named Fernando, cause Fernando was a Mexican and Dan was white.

So, one day, some of Fernando’s rabid fans threw copious amounts of tequila on his front lawn, and set Dan’s house on fire.

Dan lost his home.

The next day, Dan was called into his boss’ office, and his boss fired him because he had nowhere to send his checks and he doesn’t want homeless people working for him.

Dan was banned from CPA-ing ever again.  So, he borrowed money from the mafia and he didn’t pay back his loan and they broke his skull.

Moral:  Get Direct Deposit.

 

Three iPods for Free?

Ok, so this guy wanted to give me three iPods for free, and I was like what foo?  You ain’t gettin no I’s with pods meaning you ain’t gettin no iPods for free even if you were about to die from cancer or even if your penis were to fall off in the next 300 seconds and all of a sudden your intestines stopped working and released all your excretories onto my face and then bounced up and killed your friends, my manager, and the iPods you were trying to get.

 

Fake Game: Slave Trade Tycoon

Slave Trade Tycoon is a game that is similar to other “Tycoon” games like Roller Coaster Tycoon, Railroad Tycoon, and Marine Park Empire.

You can choose from many time periods to slave trade in, including “the past” (easy), “the present” (normal), and “the future” (hard).  The further in time you go, the harder it gets to keep your slave trade in business, due to new humanitarian laws and the rise of individual self-worth among developing nations.

The goal of this game is to try to make money by raising and selling slaves.  You can build many kinds of things that promote your slave trade business, making it easier to supply your customers (short-term profit) with slaves or put them to work on your own personal properties (long-term profit).

You can allocate which slaves work where, and they increase in sale value depending on conditions such as youth, strength, current health, will power (bad), stupidity (good), and how many different types of jobs they can do.

Another element of the game is keeping a balance in the morale of your slaves.  Being nice to your slaves is good, but you don’t want your slaves to think you are too nice of a guy, that would mean they’d walk all over you.  There are many ways to be a slave trade master — rule with an iron fist, a warm blanket, or both!

Many different cultures/themes are available, along with their own specific goals, such as:

Egyptian – Making the pyramids.

American – Plantations

Germany – Slave Camp

Russia – Prostitution

Alien – Human slave camps

Different problems that occur during the game that challenge your skills include:

Slave riots

Slave escape (Underground Railroads)

Civil Wars/Wars with other nations

Plagues/Diseases

 

Enrichment or Just “Richment”?

Enriched foods are everywhere.

Rarely ever do you see non-enriched foods anymore.  I remember a time when Orange Juice didn’t have calcium or when milk was just Vitamin D (naturally) instead of Vitamin A and D.  I remember when cereal didn’t have 800 nutritious vitamins and minerals, which make even the worst cereals that you could possibly eat into the equivalent of supplemental pills.

However, this what they tell us is in the foods we eat.  How do WE know for certain those things are in there?  Sure, there’s laws, but it doesn’t mean food manufactures ACTUALLY put them in, does it?  Who bothers testing each and every random box for those random vitamins and minerals?

And what good does all that crap do for us anyway?  It’s all just a ploy — an excuse for them to charge us more, and to accept rolling backpacks as “okay to use.”  Damn them.

 

We Need More Holiday Songs

O Christmas Tree, Santa Baby, Here Comes Santa Claus, White Christmas, the list goes on.  How many songs have we heard a million times?  How many versions of the same songs must we choke down?

A horrendous onslaught of holiday music is upon us every time we get into the months of November and December, as Christmas, the month-long holiday is the time we love to be tortured by it.

Not only do we have to buy buy buy, but we have to listen to millionaire corporate slaves sing yet another version of that “Do You Know What I Know” song that takes forever to listen to.  We’re already tossing hordes of cash out the windows into the pockets of companies in the RIAA — couldn’t they possibly hire some fuckers to write some new songs?  Isn’t 300 versions of each Christmas song from each new generation of singers enough?

Oh goody, DJ Whatshisface made a remix of Joy to the World and DJ Megaloser made O Christmas Tree v. Santa Baby.  Or let’s have Britney Spears sing the 12 Days of Christmas — that’s new and exciting!

What is even more annoying is that each time the song is remade, the singer adds their own little “flair” to it, so you would remember that in BigBoobedMovieStarNowASinger said “Yeayyeeyeahheeyaa!” at the end of each sentence in the song.  It’s crap!

Sometimes bands make new Christmas songs, I’m sure, so why can’t we just stop dragging on those same fucking songs we have to listen to over and over?  They’re so fucking old!  Fuck them all!  And where are the Thanksgiving songs?!  I want to hear songs about how we screwed the Native Americans and killed turkeys!

 

The Magical Dishwasher

One day a garbage collector, who was a female, was working, collecting garbage.

When she got to the old blue house, she exclaimed “why is there a dishwasher in front of this old blue house?”

Little did she know, the dishwasher was a magical dishwasher.  Once she held the dishwasher in her hands to put it in the garbage truck, it began to glow!

The dishwasher opened up and plates and cups began to float in the air, all sparkly clean.

“My, oh my, I wish my dishes were this clean after putting them in my dishwasher!”  Unfortunately for the garbage collector, the dishes surrounded her and began to take control of her body.  The dishwasher sucked her in, along with all the dishes, and the garbage truck.

Suddenly, the dishwasher turned into a large demon robot.  “My name is John Ramses!” the large robot exclaimed.  “And through political lobbying I will acquire all the waste contracts for LA County and make John Ramses the number one trash and waste power in the world!”

John Ramses picked up his demon robot briefcase and walked in the nearest City Hall, and slowly worked on his trash-picking empire.  By 2015, John Ramses had overtaken all the contracts in the world.

Moral of the story: Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

 

Equals Infinity

Here’s a fun game to play on your calculator!  Its called Equals Infinity.  The new calculator game that’s taking bored high school math students by storm!

How to set it up:

1. Press 1 + 1 on your calculator.

How to play:

Press the “equal” sign forever or for a desired length of time.

Only works on calculators that will automatically add 1 every time you press the “equal” sign.

Different ways to play this game:

Time trial – shortest time for amount of clicks.

Best lap – maximum amount of clicks in a certain amount of time

Competition – go against others!  Best clicks after time expires.