Quote #21115

::davepoobond pulls a Kleenex from a Kleenex box and candy wrappers come out, as he pulls more, more and more come out, and falls on the desk next to the box::

davepoobond: “someone put trash into the Kleenex box…”

::Dr. OldNBald silently comes over and picks up the trash and throws it away::

Dr. OldNBald: Don’t worry, I did NOT think you were smuggling candy into the room…”

– from davepoobond’s high school

 

Quote #21096: Spanish Dialogue

Sr. Sandia: “hola!, Sr. Queso. Como estas?”  (Hello, Mr. Cheese.  How are you?)

Sr. Queso: “Estoy muy contento”  (I am very happy.)

Sr. Sandia: “Porque?”  (Why?)

Sr. Queso: “Yo juge contra Sr. Ganado en un partido de tenis en mi jardin y yo soy el campeon atleta!”  (I played against Mr. Win in a tennis match in my garden, and I am the champion athlete!)

Sr. Sandia: “caramba! Tenis en tu jardin?”  (Caramba!  Tennis in your garden?)

Sr. Queso: “si, si. Mi jardin es muy bueno para tenis”  (Yes, yes.  My garden is very good for tennis.)

Sr. Sandia: “Que pasa?”  (What happened?)

Sr. Queso: “Yo navege mi raqueta en la oreja de Sr. Ganado!”  (I navigated my racket into Mr. Win’s ear.)

Sr. Sandia: “En el oreja de Sr. Ganado?”  (In Mr. Win’s ear?)

Sr. Queso: “Si, me gustaria hacerlo otra vez”  (Yes, I’d love to do it again.)

Sr. Sandia: “usaste champu?”  (Did you use shampoo?)

Sr. Queso: “si, bebe champu ahora mismo!”  (Yes, baby shampoo, the same thing.)

Sr. Sandia: “uf!”

Sr. Queso: “uf!”

Sr. Sandia: “uf!”

Sr. Queso: “muuu!”

Sr. Sandia: “que barbaridad! Quieros atener una carrera?”  (How barbaric!  I want to go for a run?)

Sr. Queso: “Si!”  (Yes!)

– davepoobond turned this in for an assignment.

 

Quote #21094: Dialogue

Juan: “Hi, Mrs. Garcia!”

Mrs. Garcia: “Hi, Juan!”

Juan: “I like your banana.”

Mrs. Garcia: “yes, it is very long, no?”

Juan: “yes”

Mrs. Garcia: “the size of my banana is 12”

Juan: “what is the price?”

Mrs. Garcia: “the jacket is 999 pesos”

Juan: “good”

Mrs. Garcia: “yes”

Juan: “yes, bye”

– by davepoobond and BlindBubba.  Written in Spanish for an assignment, and then translated into English by davepoobond.

 

Quote #21088: Spanish Dialogue

davepoobond: “ollah, Sra. Poopoo Cabeza!”

Sr. Poopoo Head: “No soy una Sra.! Tu eres tonto!”

davepoobond: “asi, asi! Tus estudiantes son tontos, no mi! puto!”

Sr. Poopoo Head: “puto! Puto! Tu eres el puto, puto!”

davepoobond: “whee!”

– written on a piece of paper for a school assignment, but wasn’t turned in.

 

Johnny Hotfoot Adventures: Staple My Ass

This entry is part 1 of 1 in the series Johnny Hotfoot Adventures

Hi. My name is Johnny Hotfoot, and I work for Satan.

I get paid minimum wage of $7 an hour. That’s the going rate in Hell right now. There’s probably not going to be any increase in it for a while, but hey, I get by.

Now you’re probably wondering who I am, how I died and what I do for a living to get paid $7 an hour in Hell.

Well, I was one of those guys that walked on hot coal, hence the name Johnny Hotfoot. I was a freak at one of those circuses, because I had very large callouses on my feet. I’ve walked on about 300 miles on hot burning coal. You can’t imagine how hard it is to find a decent pair of shoes.

I died because as I was walking on coal, a portal to Hell opened up and I fell in. It doesn’t happen usually, but that time I died. Now, I’m Satan’s “special guy.”  I go and do “special things” for him. Now you’re probably wondering “Why the Hell do I care?” But, you’ll care. Because I’m going to tell you about my zany adventures in a very very long running series on the best site on the internet, Squackle.com!

So, its morning.  The huge ball of fire’s dark and evil light shone through my windows.  I live in a one bedroom apartment in the ghetto of Hell.  Its not necessarily a bad place, but since about half of the people in Hell are rich, they live in a house that is as big as the Earth.

Hell is not a physical place.  It is a spiritual one, and in the spirit world, everything is different.  There is an endless amount of space and you can do whatever you want.  Except go to Heaven.  No one likes it up there.  You wear dresses and everything and everybody is white.  Its almost like the Puritan’s America, but with clouds and instead of dinky hats, they have halos floating around.

At about 10:00 AM Satan gave me a call on my Hell phone, the Hell version of the Cell Phone.  Not many people know this, but AT&T Wireless supplies us with our phone service.  They, dare I say, signed a deal with the devil.  Hahahaha I crack myself up.

Anywho, Satan said, “yo my bro dawg diggity, go on down to the licka store and buy me some Rolaids.  I got massive heart freeze here, my bro dawg diggity.  Peace out.”  So, I went to the liquor store.

As I was walking in, a group of demons were playing around with some staple guns they bought from the liquor store.  Lucky me, one of the staples strayed and hit me in the ass.  “Ah! Sonuva BITCH!” I yelled as I held my ass.  “Who the FUCK do you think you’re dealin with here, I’m going to rape you all you fucking cocksucking demon stupid ass WHORES!” So I took out my long John and wrapped them up with it.  They couldn’t get away now.

“Oh fuck! You really did it this time Fred!  You’re gonna get us raped and beaten!” One of the demon’s yelled.

 

And so I did.

 

Then, after I finished up, I got some Rolaids for Satan, and gave them to him.  He thanked me.

 

Don’t Do Drugs

 

The End.

 

Thank You Note Samples For You To Use

Nothing says thank you like a piece of paper with words written on it.  In fact, they call it a “Thank You” note.  But why do you have to reinvent the wheel when you can just copy what I’ve wrote in the past and modify it towards your specific situation?  These samples are only really useful for someone who has graduated from high school but has yet to go to college.  Nifty, ain’t it?

I think I did a damn fine job with these Thank You notes, so here they are!

SAMPLE 1 (For a college graduate):

Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),

Thank you very much for the very generous (INSERT ITEM HERE, OR SAY “GIFT” OR “PRESENT”), as I know this will most certainly help me in my college years, and also help prepare me for my future life after college.

I want to express how much it means to me that you’ve always been there for me throughout my life.  If you had not been able to take me to my medical, dental, and other appointments when I had no other way to get there, it would have been too hard to get to those appointments.  I also want to thank you severely for all the times you came over to our house and made food for us.

SAMPLE 2 (For moving away to college):

Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),

I want to thank you for the (INSERT ITEM HERE, OR SAY “GIFT” OR “PRESENT”) you gave me.  It was very generous of you to do so, and I will definitely make use of it when I go to college.  It will help make college easier for me, because I will have the ability to buy things for my room, making my day-to-day life easier.

I’ve always thought of you as family, and appreciate your compassion and support through the years.

SAMPLE 3 (For a High School Graduate):

Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),

Thank you very much for being able to attend my high school graduation.  It means a lot to me that you were able to take off work and drive all the way over to (INSERT YOUR CITY) to see it.  It was very meaningful to me that you both have supported me as much as you could through the years, and helped me out as much as you can, even though you live far away.

I appreciate the very generous graduation present you gave me.  I will always remember your generosity and support.

 

The Stupid Nerdy Annoying Asshole Idiot Tally Sheet

The following is a tally of how many times this annoying asshole in my physics class said certain things over the period of about 5 days.  I only wrote the dates down for the first 2 days.

He would always say certain things out loud — he had no self control in keeping his god damned mouth shut and not make any noise while we tried to take notes from the teacher.  He was this huge, 8 foot tall, fat, nerdy guy that sat in the front row and always wore a red shirt with arm pit stains.  He always had a rolling backpack so you could hear him coming down the hall.  He also had nerdy glasses on, as if the previous wasn’t enough to cement the fact he’s a stupid nerd.

I lost interest after those 5 days because he did these so many times, it wasn’t worth counting anymore:

Says “mmhmm:”

Feb 14, 2005:  13 times
Feb 15, 2005:  34 times
3rd day:  5 times
4th day:  13 times
5th day:  25 times

Says “mmhno:”

Feb 14, 2005:  1 time

Answers a Question (but usually mumbles to himself rather than actually raising his hand to legitimately answer it):

Feb 14, 2005:  16 times
Feb 15, 2005:  68 times
3rd day:  12 times
4th day:  20 times
5th day:  11 times

Says “right:”

Feb 14, 2005:  2 times

Says “no:”

Feb 14, 2005:  8 times
Feb 15, 2005:  8 times
3rd day:  6 times
4th day:  3 times
5th day:  4 times

Says “hmm:”

Feb 14, 2005:  2 times

Says “yeaah:”

Feb 14, 2005:  1 time
Feb 15, 2005:  1 time

Says “unhunh:”

Feb 14, 2005: 2 times
Feb 15, 2005: 3 times
3rd day: 1 time
4th day: 1 time
5th day: 2 times

Says “Yep/yes:”

Feb 14, 2005: 1 time
Feb 15, 2005: 8 times
3rd day: 7 times
4th day: 3 times
5th day: 2 times

Does something stupid (with elaboration):

Feb 14, 2005:  6 times

1. Didn’t bring a Scantron for a test.

2. Somehow lost his study guide since the last time it was given out (which is the 2nd time it was passed out) – counts as 2.

3. Yawned like a vampire

4. Answered a question wrong.  Saying, it wasn’t 300,000 km/hr for a light year.

5. Answered a question wrong.  Professor said, “nice guess.”

Feb 15, 2005:  5 times

1. Said Moon cycle was 273 days, when it is actually 29.5

2. Said “I love the moon!”

3. Laughed after answering question wrong

4. Nodded his head and looked at the rest of the class, as if looking for people to agree with him.

5. Yawned like a vampire, really loudly.

3rd day: 1 time

1. Someone told him to shut up, but kept doing his same shit.