HEX Mode on the Calculator

People somewhat smarter than me may know what the HEX mode on a calculator is used for.  However, I don’t fucking understand it.  I just find it hilarious.  So, I thought it would be infinitely amusing to list a bunch of stupid shit I got while messing around with HEX mode.

Here it is!

In HEX Mode on the calculator…

b * c = 84

a * e = 8C


def * 2 = 1bde

b00 * 8 = 5800

bc / 6 = 1F

1F * 4 = 7C

7C – 3 = 79

79 * 4 = 1E4

cafe + 5 = Cb03

bed + 7 = bF4

bF4 + 7 = bFb

9 / b = 0

77 / F = 7

98b + 5 = 990

990 / 98 = 10

12 / 9 = 2

58 * 2 = b0

65 / 6 = 10

65 / 9 = b


Hate Mail #18863: A Letter From Simona

Hello Dave,

I wrote to you two years ago regarding an entry on your dictionary on Squackle.com. The entry is “<censored>“.

I have a huge sense of humour (even though I’m Italian) but I do really think this description on Internet could defame my husband’s name.

So…would you please to remove it soon or do I have to feel seriously motivated to sue you and your blogsite to the Authorities?

Please, let me know. I’m not joking, this time!


davepoobond’s response:


Sorry, but I never received your initial e-mail 2 years ago. It was probably hotmail’s spam filter that ate it.

Thank you for threatening me with legal/authoritical action.

The fact is that “<censored>” is probably not even the <censored> that you are married to unless he is the also akin to Harry Potter.

I will, however, take the name off since because you have supposedly taken offense to it. Know that I am not the one who came up with the word, so you should find out who hates your husband.

Thanks for being a repeat visitor!


Cashier Lesson – Counterfeit Bills

This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series Cashier Lessons

This is written as a satirical instructional article.  I wrote this a long time ago, don’t know exactly when.

When checking if a bill is counterfeit, please do the following:

1. Lick it.

If the ink on the paper appears to fade after each successive lick, it is most likely not fake. Ink on real money does not dry, as odd as it may seem.

2. Hold bill up to the light.

This sends a message to everyone around you that someone is paying with a big bill. You will not only put that customer’s life in danger because they are now, by default, given the status of being a high roller, but you will give the incantation that you know what you’re looking for.

It doesn’t matter if you know what you’re looking for either, just pretend like you do.

Protip: most people will not know what you are looking for — this method also prevents people from making jokes (as opposed to using a regular counterfeit pen) because they are (most likely) embarrassed to say something retarded like “its fake, i just printed it out this morning” because you’re including more people in the transaction than just you and the customer.

3. Loud Music at all times.

When possible, have music at a volume that will be hard for a customer to crack a joke about money being fake, because you’ll have to ask them to explain it again, and it’s very disconcerting to explain it over your music. The most effective music for this technique is hardcore or really fast music, such as Bane, Hatebreed, Throwdown, Fear Before the March of Flames, and for the emo touch, Hawthorne Heights, Silverstein, or From First to Last.  Heavy metal works as well, and this includes DragonForce or Metallica from the 1980s.

4. Pretend you don’t care – give them the cold shoulder.

This works wonders to avoid stupid counterfeit bill jokes. Just nod your head slightly to convey the message you understand their joke, as if you haven’t heard it a million times before, so they don’t try and explain it to you again. Under any circumstance, DO NOT LAUGH. It ISN’T funny. You’re bound to have heard every joke in the book at this point in your career as a cashier.