Tag Archives: A DPB Tag

Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Mr. Clean’s Dojo

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(Mr. Clean walks to the middle of the screen, winking. A sparkle appears on his eye when he does, and he crosses his arms against his chest)

 

Mr. Clean: I am Mr. Clean!

 

Old Lady (comes out of a door): bathroom tiles are clean, thanks to Mr. Clean!

 

Mr. Clean: that’s right! I have opened a dojo now, to teach people how to do the amazing things I can! Like wave my arm and everything is clean! Its only 5 dollars a day, and you’re taught by the best Clean Masters to date, not including me, because I’d rather be engulfed by my profits and swim in my money…!

 

(5 Italian guys in Mr. Clean uniforms run and get into a pyramid behind Mr. Clean)

 

Mr. Clean: you can learn how to do this!

 

5 Italian Guys: Hi-yah!!

 

(amazingly the floor around them is clean)

 

Mr. Clean: Its all about showmanship here, so get you ass down here, quick!

 

(Mr. Clean points to the camera)

 

Mr. Clean: or, I’ll Clean ya! And make YOU into a forest fire!

 

Italian Guy 1: dat’s da trudth!

 

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows

DBC News Broadcast 4

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Now top stories with David…

Sports with Davis…

Weather with Daveed…

a few words with Fiddlesticks…

and The Special Guest Corner with Binky

 

David: Now for the top stories… 1. DBC is going to sue another TV station for taking our material! Its a stupid little station called Matt to the 2nd Power Studios!

 

Daveed : Rifles… check… rocket launchers… check… grenades… check… timed mines… check… remote mines… check… proximity mines… check…

 

David: What the heck are you doing????

 

Daveed: We are going to sue them… right?

 

David: Yeah…so

 

Daveed: Suppose they win!!! I ain’t lettin’ them off THAT easy

 

David: We’re going to SUE them not start a some weird war called TV Station War I. Imagine what ABC, NBC, and CBS will do!

 

Fiddlesticks: What’s TV Station War I?

 

(everybody ignores Fiddlesticks)

 

Daveed: So what!!!! I’m gonna raid their studio with or without you guys!!! F-14…check…tank…check…MiG-25…check…Nuclear bomb… check…missiles…check…Aircraft Carrier…check… Apache Helicopter…check…Cobra Helicopter…check…bazooka…check…oh yeah, I forgot! My squirt gun! Hmm…what else am I missing?

 

Davis (while Daveed is checking his supplies): Hey!!! It’ll be a great topic for my sports column!!! Speaking of sports…

 

Now Sports with Davis… Davis: 1. Too bad. Our rivals took all the info away from us!!! So there’s no sports.

 

David: Oh I almost forgot!!!!! We have a whole NEW cast of members coming!!!! And of course we’ll still be here!!! And they’re coming next episode!!! Here’s the list of people coming, they also have a comment for us!!!

 

Johnny Bravo: Hey!!! There’s a bunch of teeny weeny bikini girls out there!!! What da hell am I doing here??

 

Melonhead: Huh?? Wait!!! I didn’t do anything!!! What am I doing here?? I’m just a melonhead, what do you expect from me????

 

Beep Beep: Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Honk Honk

 

AAAghhh: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Mr.Rock: ……………………………………………………….

 

Garfield: yawwwnn! Ok, now where’s my lasagna? You told me I’d get some if I said something, and I did. At least give me 20 bucks to go to a restaurant or somethin!

 

Davis (pushing Garfield away): That’s a heck of a lineup!!!!

 

David: Yeah! But some people won’t be in the show. Like Beep Beep, AAAghhh, and Mr. Rock. We just put them in for the heck of it!!! But these people might make a cameo appearance someday!

 

(Daveed loads his gun and makes a… well you know how it sounds)

 

Daveed: OK I’m going down there now, whoever wants to come get some guns and some body armor.

 

David: Uh oh, we gotta go. When Daveed starts he never stops. Unless his girlfriend tells him to stop. Excuse me did I say girlfriend? I meant X-Girlfriend….

 

Daveed: I never liked her anyway!!!!!! One day she got on my nerves than I just pulled out a gun and BANG!!!!

 

Davis: Women… you need’em but you can’t live with them.

 

David (looking mad at Davis): Shut up

 

Binky: I ain’t going!!!! I’m doing my part of the show!!!!…

 

(everyone looks at Binky)

 

Binky: Oh, what the heck it’s not like I have anybody to interview

 

Daveed: HA HA! WE GONNA KICK ASS!

 

(everyone runs out the door)

(gun shots can be heard ringing out in the distance)

 

(end)

Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Mrs. Telemarketer’s Telemarketer School

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(a person is “talking on the phone, you can hear on the other line a person screaming and hanging up the phone. The person frowns for a second, then smiles widely, hanging up the phone. The person looks at the camera)

 

Mrs. Telemarketer: hello, do you want to venture into the world of telemarketry? If so, you should still listen. Hello, I am Mrs. Telemarketer and I sell stuff for no-name or really really bad companies you just don’t like. If you’re still interested, call this number. We’re available 24 hours a day, because of the fact that we don’t sleep and have no food because we spend all our money on coffee, sugar pills, and amphetamines. The number is 1-800-WE-SUCK-BECAUSE-WE’RE-TELEMARKETERS. Bye!

 

(fade out)

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows

Matt to the 2nd Power Broadcast 2

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Now Top stories with-

(the announcer guy from DBC gets fizzled out and some letters appear on the black screen)

Matt to the 2nd Power Studios

(Somewhere in the Nevada desert)

 

Matt: Hello, we are Matt to the 2nd Power Studios. We have hacked DBC’s TV signal and taken it over to bring you this special broadcast from Matt to the 2nd Power Studios.

 

Matthew: Yes, that’s right! We’re going to have special guests such as, well, uh, no one….yet….our expert kidnappers are out searching for a guest as we speak.

 

Mat: So, what do we do now?

 

Matt: Well, we can go out into the blistering hot sun and try to find a tennis court to play basketball on, or we can stay here and watch some porno movies….I got some rare, and very explicit stuff. People that you would never think to do this kind of stuff actually did, and I have it right here.

 

(they all look at each other)

 

Everybody: TENNIS COURT!

 

Mat: Hey, Camera Man, we want you to follow us.

 

Camera Man: Fine. But I better get a bonus for this.

 

Matt: Huh? Bonus? Are you talking about money? You mean the stuff we don’t have, right?

 

Camera Man: I think I’ll stay here and watch the porno movies

 

(Matthew takes out a gun and points it to him)

 

Matthew: Now, what were you saying?

 

Camera Man (looking nervously at the gun): I said I’m gonna watch the porno movies

 

Matthew: No, you didn’t say that

 

Camera Man: Yes, I did

 

(Matthew walks up to him and starts poking him in the gut)

 

Matthew: No, you didn’t say that

 

Camera Man: No, I didn’t

 

Matthew: That’s better. Now come on, lets bring a football so we can find the tennis court to play basketball on.

 

::outside::

 

Mat: Damn, its so hot out here…I feel like I’m gonna melt…..

 

(Mat starts to melt)

 

Matt: Woah dude! You are melting

 

Mat (almost half his size from before): burble burble?

 

Matthew: Excuse me? Did you call me a dirty little prick?

 

(Matthew takes his gun and shoots Mat)

(The bullet makes a sickening splash into Mat)

 

Matthew: Ewwwwww!

 

Matt: Dude, why’d you do that? That bullet cost money!

 

Matthew: But he called me a-

 

Matt: I don’t care. That bullet is coming out of your salary

 

Matthew (thinking for a few seconds): I don’t have a salary

 

Matt: You don’t, now. I’m taking Mat’s salary because he’s dead, and yours because your being a little bitch and wasting the only bullet we had in that gun!

 

Camera Man: Ok, good, that’s it, I’m going back in to watch the porno movies

 

(The camera man turns around and starts to walk to the door, but Matthew clubs him on the back of his head with the gun)

 

Matt: Ew, now he’s all bleeding and making a mess of our front porch! Man, why’d you have to do that???? Now, his blood is boiling from this heat!

 

Matthew: Sorry man, he was pissing me off.

 

Matt: Well, you are pissing me off and I’m not clubbing you on the back with a gun!

 

Matthew: Well, you don’t even HAVE a gun!

 

(Matt grabs Matthew’s gun)

 

Matt: Well, now I do!

 

(Matthew grabs the gun)

 

Matthew: Now you don’t

 

(Matt and Matthew grab at the gun and struggle with it)

 

Matt: GIVE ME THE GUN NOW!!!

 

Matthew: NOO!!!

 

(Matt accidentally fires the gun at Matthew)

 

Matthew: AH! You shot me, you bastard! Now I’m all bleeding and nasty looking.

 

Matt: Ah, man, I thought you had only one bullet…..that’s a pretty big boo-boo…

 

Matthew: Yes, it is

 

(Matthew collapses and dies)

 

Matt: DAMMIT!!! Now I’m all alone!

 

(Matt looks around)

 

Matt: Ah, screw it

 

(Matt points the gun to the head and fires)

(nothing happens)

 

Matt: Damn….well, I guess I’ll go inside and watch the porno movies then.

 

(Matt heads toward the door then turns back)

 

Matt (stopping): Oh, wait a second, The Pooheads won against the Peas, and the M & M people died yesterday. And its hot as hell out here for the weather. Ok, buh bye

 

(Matt goes into the building and the camera fizzles out and explodes because of the heat)

 

(end)

Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company

WorldCom

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(a big office with a lot of people typing on computers)
(a man starts walking from the left to the right, and the camera follows him)

Man: here, at WorldCom, we are like a family. Our family is always together, and our family never gets a vacation. We’re also 3.8 billion dollars in debt………but who’s counting? Certainly not us, because Andersen, the same company that did the same thing with us with Enron, was counting for us. Those fucking bastards.

(Man leans against a wall)

Man: but here at WorldCom, we like to have a family. Excuse me, we LIKED to have a family, because now our family has been torn apart

(the camera does a 180 degree spin, looking from behind Man, and all the computer desks were gone)

Man: we had to lay off thousands and thousands of people so that we could stop paying them and get some money out of not paying them. Now, all we have is Steve. But he works for free, because he lives in the air vents. Say hi Steve

(a guy from way back in the room, gets up and waves)

Steve: hi everybody!

Man: WorldCom – We’re a family. Be apart of ours.

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows

DBC News Broadcast 3

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Now top stories with David…

Weather with Daveed…

Sports with Davis…

A few words with Fiddlesticks…

and The Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown.

 

Now for the top stories… David: 1. A reporter from DBC took a survey on crime in L.A and the best response is, “You IDIOT!!!!! Give me your wallet!!!!! Hey!!!! No pictures!!!!!

 

Davis: Anybody would do anything for publicity these days.

 

David: I just happened to have my gun today so lay off!!!

 

Security System: Red Alert, Red Alert, Security has been breached!!!!

 

Billy Burnyourhousedown: All right you lousy punks give me all your money!!!!!

 

David: That’s it I’m pissed off now!!!

 

(David pulls out his gun and shoots Billy and Billy gets hit with the bullet)

 

Billy: Aaaghhhh…… am I supposed to die now??

 

Producer: I don’t care as long as you don’t take my money!!!

 

David: Hey!!! He’s been holdin’ out on us!!!

 

Davis: Speak for yourself!! I’m rollin’ in the dough!!!

 

Binky: Grrrrrr…

 

Davis: Don’t be growlin’ at me foo’!!!!!!

 

Willy Burnyourhousedown: Who shot my bro?????

 

David: Me, you wanna make somethin’ of it??? I just happen to have my assault rifle so you better get your *** outta here, before I load it!!!!!!

 

Willy: Well, I brought my grenade launcher for just such an occasion.

 

David: Well, I just happen to have my tank outback in the parking lot.

 

Willy (with a nervous look on his face): I’m outta here!!! I’ll be back!!!

 

David (muttering): Not if I can help it.

 

(David gets up and leaves without anybody knowing)

 

Davis: Ha Ha!!! Nice bluff David… Hey!!?? Where’d he go?!?

 

(suddenly a sound of a tank started up)

 

Daveed: What’s that????

 

Fiddlesticks: The parentheses said a tank started up.

 

Willy (from outside): AAAAAAGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

SQUISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(a few seconds later David comes in)

 

David: Well… No more arsonists are going to coming here anymore!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha, well I guess we can go to sports now…

 

Davis: Now for the sports…1. Yesterday Daveed won the fight against Fiddlesticks. And that’s about it.

 

Binky: Now for The Special Guest Corner!!!!! We go behind the scenes of DBC to see our director………her name’s Natalya………………

 

(phone rings)

 

Natalya: Hello… Bobby, Bobby, Bobby what am I going to do with you?… I can’t believe you did that… No I don’t want to go to bed with you!!… As a matter of fact I already have a boyfriend… You do too?? You gay monster!! I should take you out and beat you… you slug head!!… Good bye Bobby!!!… I don’t care if you have $999,999,999 billion plus tax!!! Wait a minute did you say

$999,999,999 billion plus tax?… OK I’ll stop by tonight.

 

(she hangs up and phone rings again)

 

Natalya: Hello… Oh hi Nate!!… Yes I’ll go to bed with you tomorrow, good bye.

 

(she hangs up and phone rings again)

 

Natalya: Hello… yes I’m head of The Prostitute service. Next week?? OK

 

(she hangs up and the phone rings again)

 

Natalya: This is 1-800-HONEY, what time should I pick you up? 5:00 is fine, see you then

 

(she hangs up)

 

David: Hey guys, I’m gonna prank call her.

 

Daveed: You go girl!!!!!

 

(phone rings)

 

Natalya: Hello.

 

David: Hello Natalya this is Bond, James Bond, you know shaken not stirred.

 

Natalya: James??? I haven’t talked to you since the Goldeneye thing. How’s everything at Mi6????

 

David: Oh you know M still thinks I’m a nut who likes fast cars and women, which I do. Q is bugging me with all these new inventions. Moneypenny is bugging me so much I had sex with her so she could shutup!!!

 

Natalya: Good, Good

 

Daveed: Hey I got a phone too!!! I’ll call her also!

 

Natalya: Wait a second I got another call… Hello.

 

Daveed: Bwoinaz Diaz señorita!!!

 

Natalya: And bees in disease to you too, you Mexican pervert and I’m tracing this call!!! Hello James… Oh I got another call.

 

Daveed: Hello Natalya. I am General Akardy Ourmov.

 

Natalya: Not you!!!

 

Daveed: Remember what we did in the train a couple years ago??

 

Natalya: I put that behind me you… you… selfish beast!… Hello James… God, I got another call!!!

 

Daveed: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past!!!

 

Natalya: Good for you!!!… Hello James… Man!!! I got another freakin’ call!!!

 

Daveed: Hell…

 

Natalya: Shutup!!! I’m on the other line can’t you see???

 

Daveed: No… I’m blind.

 

Natalya: Shutup!!!!… Hello James. AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! I got another call!!!!!

Will it ever end James???? Wait a minute!!! Hey!!! That’s my car!!!! Why are you towing it away?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

David: Natalya?? Oh well.

 

Daveed: It’s -100 degrees Fahrenheit!!! I can just see Natalya out there chasing her car!!!!

 

David: Yeah!!! And that’s all from DBC!!!!

 

Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!

 

Fiddlesticks: I’M EGYPTIAN

 

Everybody: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Fiddlesticks: OK

 

David: Now is that it????

 

Davis: No… we gotta sing the Lamb Chop’s Play Along song now!!!!!

 

Fiddlesticks: I like lamb chops for lunch!!!!!

 

Producer: You don’t have to sing it.

 

David: All right!!!! That’s it from…

 

Producer: You have to sing the Barney song.

 

Daveed: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

David: That’s it Mr. Producer Man either you give us a raise and for us not to sing I won’t blow your guts out with my rifle!!!!!!!

 

Producer: You don’t have to sing it!! You don’t have to sing it!! And I’ll give you a 50 cent raise.

 

David: Now that’s better… and that’s it from DBC!!!!! Finally…

 

(end)

TV Shows, Squackle Broadcasting Company

DBC News Broadcast 2

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Now top stories with David…

Sports with Davis…

Weather with Daveed…

A few words with Mr. Whatshisname…

and The Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown!

Now for the top stories……David: 1. The 1st top story today is… that there is no top stories!!!!!! Isn’t that funny??? 2. We have 2 top stories today???? I thought we didn’t have any!!!!

Producer: Why don’t you look at your script?!?!?

David: We have a script???

Daveed: Of course we do you stupid dumbass!!!!!

David: Eh, Shetep

Davis: Shetep…what does that mean??

David: Something you wouldn’t understand dork!!! (note: dork means a whale dick)

Daveed whispering to Davis: Yeah, it’s a nerd mating ritual.

David: I heard that!!!!

Davis: Big whup!!!

David: Eh, go blow it out your ear!!!

Daveed: Why don’t you go blow it out your ass?!!!!!!

Mr. Whatshisname: I’m Egyptian!!!!

Producer: Shut your trap, fiddlesticks!!!!

Mr. Whatshisname: Fiddlesticks… maybe I should change my name to that!!!

Producer: You do that!!!!

Fiddlesticks: Yaaaaaaaay!!!!!

Daveed (mumbling): He’s a little slow.

Binky (mumbling): That’s for sure.

Fiddlesticks: Well, I’m a lot faster than you all are… combined!!!!!!

Davis: Come over here and say that you bitch!!!

Fiddlesticks: Go stick a rubber hose up your nose!!!

Now for the sports…… Davis: Today is the fight of the century!!!! Fiddlesticks vs. Daveed!!!!

Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!!

Davis: Unfortunately we won’t be able to cover it because it’s right after the show in the alley back there, and right after that, me, yours truly, will sock Fiddlesticks a couple of times if he wins or loses, so there is no way around it.

David: I’ll soften him up for you a little bit before you do!!!

Now for the Weather… Daveed: In the U.S.A all temperatures are -999999999999999 or below!!!!!

Fiddlesticks: Gee, that must be chilly.

Daveed: Chilly? Chilly? The temperatures are such at an extreme that no one can live with!!!

David: Not even Santa Clause??

Daveed: Not even Santa!!!

David: Not even Vanilla Ice?? Mr. Freeze???

Daveed: No one!!! Even though Mr. Freeze might think that’s all right…

Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!

Producer: Yeah sure……………

Fiddlesticks: But…

Producer: But my butt!!!

Now for the Special Guest Corner…… Binky: Now we go behind the scenes in the White House in our hidden cameras in the dining room and the limo.

Bill: Hello, honey.

Hillary: Yeah, Whatever!!!

Bill: What’s for dinner???

Hillary: Why don’t you get off your dead ass and get it yourself!!!!

Bill: But…

Hillary: But what!?

Bill: McDonald’s is too crowded!!!

Hillary: Then go to Burger King!!!!!

Bill: Burger King’s hamburgers are ugly with a capital UG!!!!!!!!!

Hillary: GO!!!!!!

Bill: You can’t tell me what to do I’m the President of the United States!!

Hillary: I COULDN’T GIVE A SHIT LESS, NOW GO!!!!!

(Bill walks to the door moaning and goes out the door.)

Hillary: I don’t know why I married that man!!!!!!

Bill (in limo with 10 hookers): Why couldn’t I marry one of you???

Binky: Uh…right. Well that was interesting. We forgot to put on censor parts, but that’s okay!!! Everybody liked it!!!!!!!!

David: This just in Bill Clinton has died of what Hillary Clinton says what Bill would’ve said of Hamburger ugliness with a capital UG!!!!!

Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!

Producer: Let’s see you make a pyramid!!!

(end)

Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Floppy Watches

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(a guy goes to an execution squad thingy to be executed)

 

Announcer Person: Uh oh, it looks like your going to be late for your birthday party!!!!!

 

(the guy gulps)

 

Announcer Person: Sorry, we can’t help you there!! But if you live through it, which isn’t too likely, you can go and get a new watch to celebrate!! It’s a new watch called…Floppy Watches by Navli!!!!

 

(fade out as gunshots are heard)

TV Shows, Squackle Broadcasting Company

DBC News Broadcast 1

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David Broadcasting Company

Now top stories with David

Sports with Davis

Weather with Daveed

a few words from Mr. Whatshisname

 

Now for the top stories David: Welcome to DBC, this is a new TV station that you’ll grow to love. Now to the important stuff, 1. M n M’s are being cooked in Easy Bake Ovens!! Will this lead to war because the candy isn’t good enough??? Nobody knows and they don’t care! 2. Mice are carrying whole arsenals of guns, grenades, and other weapons!! Are mice planning to have a war??? Nobody knows…and they don’t care!

 

Daveed: Then what does anybody know and care about?

 

David: ……………………..Comic Books.

 

Daveed: That is the most lame answer anyone can give!!!

 

David: Did you read the one when Spider-Man beat up his mother-in-law? That was cool!!

 

Daveed: Ya I bet!

 

Davis: Man, would you 2 losers shut your traps and get on with the show so everyone can see my beautiful face?!?

 

David and Daveed: SHUT UP!!!!!!

 

Davis: OK you don. t have to yell at me!!

 

David: Oh, and did you see the one where the X-Men beat up a piece of poop?? That was SUPER cool!!

 

Producer: Get on with the stupid show!!!

 

Mr. Whatshisname: Why can’t I have a real name on T.V?

 

Producer: Because your name is too hard to pronounce!!

 

Mr. Whatshisname: Why can’t I have a fake name?

 

Producer: Because you already have one!!!!

 

Mr. Whatshisname: But……

 

Everybody: SHUT UP!!!!!

 

Mr. Whatshisname: Fine be that way!!!

 

David: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted…

 

Davis: Oh, don’t start that again!!

 

David: People these days are so rude that I got interrupted twice!!

 

Producer: This just in!! Ratings are skyrocketing because you dumbasses are fighting!! Keep it up!!

 

Mr.Whatshisname, David, Davis, Daveed: SHUT UP!!!!!!!

 

(end)

Game Reviews, Games

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, The (PS3) Review

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Developer/Publisher: Bethesda Softworks || Overall: 9.8/10

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion finally saw its release on the PlayStation 3 this past month. After a delay, a short period of time followed where nobody knew when the game was going to be released for Sony’s current-gen console (gotta start sometime, right?), but the wait was wholeheartedly worth it. Everything I could have wanted from the game and more is delivered with flying colors.

Up until getting my hands on Oblivion, I hadn’t spent much time with any western-style RPGs (I usually stick with the Japanese-influenced side of the genre), resulting in personal unawareness of The Elder Scrolls franchise. But, after hearing all the positive impressions about the massive amounts of features the game has to offer, I was excited to get a chance to play the franchise on a console I owned. While it is a port of the originally released PC/X360 version, Bethesda spent a good amount of time in development on it. As a result, the game runs very smoothly, and even has enhancements over the originally released versions to include more content as well as improving load times and other outstanding issues.

It should be noted that the same improvements are now available for the PC/X360 although you’ll have to buy the extra content as well as an expansion pack to get the upgrades. While the PS3 version does not have the downloadable content available for it yet, Bethesda plans on releasing them as time goes on.

For those who haven’t already played The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion on another platform, the game is a first person RPG, in which you can almost literally do anything you want. There is a main quest involving an alternative realm called Oblivion, but you don’t have to follow it at all. You can steal, dungeon crawl, travel the world, do one of the many quests you might acquire, become an assassin, become an arena gladiator – the world of Oblivion is packed with so many things to do its almost mind-boggling. You could spend 50+ hours in the game and not even take one step in the main quest. Most of my initial time was spent dungeon crawling and acquiring items to sell. It is really up to you what you decide to do in the vast game world.

For the sake of mentioning it, the game’s main quest begins as soon as you start the game. The Emporer, Uriel Septim VII is assassinated by a mysterious group as you help the Emperor escape. Its not good news when you “fail” (aka you will fail no matter what) but before that happens, you will be given a very important artifact called the Amulet of Kings. The Amulet of Kings is vital in stopping the demons (called Daedra) from Oblivion opening an Oblivion Gate and entering the world of Tamriel. This certainly doesn’t sound like it would be a fun thing to have happen.

Once you push the main quest forward a few events, Oblivion Gates will begin to appear randomly around the world. It is up to you to close the Oblivion Gates, since no one else is going to do it. Oblivion Gates will send you to a Plane of Oblivion, in which you can find a massive amount of powerful items you might find worthy to keep or sell. Once you complete an Oblivion dungeon, there is a stone that you’ll ultimately get that can be used to enchant your armor/weapons (which gives your existing items stat boosts). Needless to say, it’s a valuable prize.

While most of the game will take place in first person, there is a third person camera that is available by clicking the R3 button. It’s nice to have a different view every once in a while, just to see what’s around you as you are running around. Combat is best done in first person, however, as the third person view mode will still control as if you’re in first person. Weaponry ranges from swords, axes, bows, hammers, daggers, and a wide variety of magic. When you first create your character, you’ll have a chance to figure out what kinds of things you feel comfortable using, so you don’t have to worry so much about choosing the kind of weapon you’ll prefer.

Practically anything you do is reflected in gaining “experience” — you’ll gain it for just running around. There are a lot of breakdowns for the kinds of things to excel in, such as Athletics, Acrobatics, Destruction Magic, Blade, Sneak, and Mercantile, among others. Using skills enough will increase the level of that skill. Basically, you’ll be better at the skill, and if you reach certain thresholds, you’ll be able to do new things. When you first start out, you will choose seven major skills, with the rest becoming minor skills. Increasing your major skills, in any combination, by ten levels will result in a main level increase, in which you can choose three attributes that you want to boost. Depending on what you choose, your character can become more to your liking, if you want to focus on strength, magic, speed – it’s up to you. However, as your levels increase, so do your enemies’, so you’ll always be given a run for your money as far as combat goes, and it’ll never really get “easier” unless you have some really good armor/weaponry at a level you shouldn’t have them.

The graphics in the game are quite lovely. The most impressive part of the game is the world itself. It is amazingly detailed, and looks beautiful at certain times of the day. The dungeon-type areas are also impressive in their own right, as the careful detail shown throughout the main world is also apparent inside the dangerous areas beneath it. Several types of dungeons settings are in the game, like forts, caves, mines, castles, ruins, and others. The only thing that I can point out as bad is that there will be times where people will be quite literally radiating light, and I have to squint while talking to them. It’s about as funny as it is annoying. Speaking of the character design, most of the time they are fairly ugly – this isn’t a game full of beautiful people. When creating your character for the first time, it might be hard trying to find a character that actually doesn’t look like a freak of nature. Frame rate drops are a rare occurrence, but it can happen at times.

Sound is also another important part of the game. Every character in the game is voiced – every single one of them. You have the option to turn subtitles on or off, in case you don’t understand what they’re saying or if you want to speed read ahead of what they’re talking about so you can get on with the quest you’re on. The voice acting isn’t bad, but the only qualm is that there seems to be about seven or eight people that voice all the characters in the game. When there are thousands of characters in the game to talk to, it can become unappealing to hear the same few voices repeated. Patrick Stewart is featured as the voice of the Emperor, but he dies.

The soundtrack is also impressive. It’s all orchestrated, so it makes you feel like you’re in a fantasy movie battling all the different demon monsters and walking skeletons you’ll encounter. The only time there is no music, is when it’s used carefully to create a feeling of isolation, or something to that effect. Upbeat “battle music” will start playing if there is an enemy nearby, as well. There aren’t too many “theme songs” to really pick out from this game, but the title screen song is the most memorable of all.

An important part of the game to mention is the sheer amount of content you’ll experience if you intend to explore every nook and cranny there is to be offered. You can easily spend upwards of 200 hours in this game and still have more to do. The game is worth it at practically any price you can get it for, and it being the same price as so many of the other short games on the market today is really a testament to the amount of value you can get out of the same cash you could have spent elsewhere.

If you’re aching for a game to put some time into, Oblivion will certainly deliver if you enjoy western-themed RPGs. With seemingly an unlimited amount of things to do for a huge amount of time, it is certainly a must-buy. If you waited on buying the PC/X360 versions and have a PS3, it might be worth it to you to give Oblivion a shot on your Cell-powered machine.

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Revolution (Wii) Controller Theory

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In July of 2005, before the Revolution’s controller was actually revealed at the Tokyo Game Show of the same year, I drew up a bunch of pictures making fun of what the Revolution controller could actually be like, based on the information and rumors of the time. A couple of things were actually right, like the huge “A” button idea, and other things. But all the following drawings are NOT REAL, they’re just to make fun of Nintendo’s gaming console, the Revolution.