I had someone just call me right now…
I pick up the phone, and they say something that sounds like a mix between “HA” and “HUH.” Let’s call it HAUH.
So, I say “what?”
and then they say “HAUH” again.
and I’m all “who is this??”
and then he’s all “hauh! oh! wrong number sorry”
I don’t understand why someone would say “HAUH” as their first thing on the telephone when calling someone. They sounded like a retard.
Visitors from space have a strange idea about the way things work on Earth.
One alien picked up the phone and dialed “0.”
When the operator answered, he said, “The telephone cord is too long. Would you please pull it through from your end?”
On March 3, 2005 @ 10:45 a.m. I had a weird call…this is how it went
(phone rings)
Dave: hello?
Guy: brad?
Dave: …hello?
Guy: brad?
Dave: hello?
Guy: can you hear me?
Dave: yeah
Guy: was i breaking up?
Dave: yeah
Guy: ok can you hear me now?
Dave: yeah
Guy: ok do you have any questions you had for me?
I hang up.
A minute later, phone rings again. Nothing is said either from my way or his way. I just leave it in silence, he probably thinks its breaking up again.
Guy: brad….brad.
I just hang up again. I’m hoping this guy will just figure out he’s been calling the wrong number
abura – v. to cry, masturbate and take phone calls at the same time
telecopter – n. a helicopter that is a telephone
;} a telephone that is a helicopter
sea – n. long distance done right
So, say you want to call your good friend so you can go hang out somewhere and possibly go somewhere to eat. Now, let’s put two of your favorite people in the world, davepoobond and Soup Nazi into this situation. Soup Nazi’s phone is fucked up for whatever reason, and davepoobond is trying to call him so they can go and do something, like eat a burger. Davepoobond not being able to contact Soup Nazi is a predicament, now, isn’t it? How many times is “enough” to try and contact a friend so you can go and do something together because you’re bored? Davepoobond and Soup Nazi are good friends, but not good enough to warrant any more than a maximum of five calls from davepoobond. Anything more than five calls may and SHOULD be translated as a stalker or someone that is trying to get into your pants.
The rule I propose is that if you are trying to contact someone just to hang out and do nothing important in particular, you are given a maximum of five tries to contact someone. The count resets once you actually make contact. However, this should never be broken unless you ABSOLUTELY need something from this particular person you’re calling. The only thing that would qualify for the need would be something like large amounts of money (we’re talking tens here, baby), ass, returning of a loaned out item, drugs (if you really need a hook up), or if your liver is about to fall out. In these cases, you’re allowed one extra call, adding up to six.
You’re a fucking psycho if you call someone more than five or six times.
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
“Mr. President,” said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, “after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars.”
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, “But that’s impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
“I have some bad news,” he said, “the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress.”
“I have to have a raise,” the man said to his boss. “There are three other companies after me.”
“Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”
“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!”
See AOL doesn’t stand for American On Line, it stands for Army Of Lithuanians. See Steve Case (creator of AOL) is actually a Lithuanian leader. See when you lag, it’s actually a computurized Amish Mafia thats helping the Lithuanians because there so much against technology. See, they nibble on your telephone wires (some, if not all get shocked and loose there teeth and there ability to have sex) causing you to lag off. Now steve case lays back and laughs why thousands of people lag off. Now the Lituanians get a daily report of how many people are looking at porno and how many people lag off and they send this report through telepathic powers to the moms and dads of america. Thats how they know when your looking at porno….
I remember a time where there were more than just one 10-10 number. 10-10-220, is the only one around anymore that you hear about. 10-10 numbers used to be everywhere you looked. There was 10-10-900, 10-10-100, 10-10-Prostitute, almost anything! But for some reason, they all disappeared, and 10-10-220 remained.
Now, I don’t know what happened to all those other annoying faggot ass 10-10 numbers, but 10-10-220 gets even more annoying with every new commercial. They use washed up actors (ALF) and once-popular-but-not-anymore sports figures (Mike Piazza, Hulk Hogan) and stupid country singers. They put them in stupid situations that wouldn’t happen in a million years, like that country singer guy and Mike Piazza playing darts and wanting some crappy chicken.
Now, I’m getting pissed off at stupid ALF and stupid Mike Piazza even more. Y’know what? They should put Mike Piaza and ALF in the same show. A talk show, like Regis and ____ (I put the blank because lately Regis has been trading hosts around like people at a 10 person orgy). It will be the worst show ever. And Hulk Hogan will be one of the band guys and they’ll have allegedly gay people on to interview like Ryan Seacrest and that stupid host from Married By America. But that’s a different rant.
Terry Bradshaw is another sucker that has fell into the 10-10-220 vortex. Recnetly I saw another commercial with a gopher somehow getting a dollar, and then Terry, who already has millions of dollars, goes down the gopher hole and hilarity(?) ensues….Good job Terry, you got a buck, so you can make a 20 minute phone call. Yaaaaay! DIE TERRY BRADSHAW YOU AND 10-10-220!
FUCK YOU 10-10-220! Why don’t you save YOURSELF 10 cents a minute by stopping your commercials and 10-10-die!
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, ‘She’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!”
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
You know you’re sick when…
– you vomit and the vomit mysteriously spells, “fart.”
– you are butt-fucking a goat in the backyard while your mom and the whole neighborhood is watching you, regularly.
– you watch, “I Love Lucy” and fall in love with Ricky and the way he bongs on his bongos and can’t stop thinking how he’d bong your bongos.
– you think the Home Alone Series is intellectual and educational, and your favorite part is when Kevin’s mom screams.
– you have the game “Shaq-Fu” for SEGA Genesis
– you say “cheek cheeky boom boom” when you get arrested when they say, “whatever you say can and will be used in a court of law.”
– you get up in the morning and feel like reading the Encyclopedia Brittanica from A-Z with all the special issues and add-ons for the 5th time in 3 days.
– you throw marshmallows at someone you have a crush on
– you play Bingo with yourself and shout, “BINGO!!” when you get it, you also live with 4 friends that now think your crazy.
– you think a cool thing to do is to dangle a cap from a string and hypnotize people.
– you think walking into a church naked is a funny prank, but even better, is walking into a nudist’s church with clothes on.
– you eat your intestine as a bedtime snack.
– you stick pencils up every hole in your body and run through town, naked, with the pencils in your holes, screaming, “I’m a walrus!”
– you get bees up your pants regularly.
– you pelt yourself, and other people, with pudding every Sunday.
– you use “what is the name of your telephone number” for a pickup line.
– you beat dogs, just cause they show their butthole to the whole world and still “smile.”
—
You know someone in your family is really sick when…
– the telephone rings and your teenaged daughter doesn’t feel well enough to run and answer it.
– you offer to take your wife shopping for a new dress and she doesn’t feel well enough to get of bed.
– you visit your mother-in-law and she’s too sick to even talk.
– you give away your tickets to the Super Bowl because you feel too ill to go to the game.
– your seven-year-old stays in the house all day and is good as gold.
– your teenaged son gives you back the keys to the car and tells you he’s going to bed instead of to the drive-in on Saturday night.
The telephone rings in the principal’s office at a school.
“Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,” answers the principal.
“Hi. Jimmy won’t be able to come to school all next week,” replies the voice.
“Well, what seems to be the problem with him?”
“We are all going on a family vacation,” says the voice, “I hope it is all right.”
“I guess that would be fine,” says the principal. “May I ask who is calling?”
“Sure. This is my father!”