Q: What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar?
A: Buck teeth.
Tag Archives: money
Joke #20882
Q: What can you say to a dentist while he’s drilling a tooth?
A: If you strike oil, we’ll split the money.
Dan is a CPA
Dan is a CPA. He is a good CPA. He spent 20 years of his life in school to become a CPA. He got a job with the United States government, and he did CPA-ing to its finest.
He was nominated for best CPA at the CPA-award giving awards. But he lost to some other guy named Fernando, cause Fernando was a Mexican and Dan was white.
So, one day, some of Fernando’s rabid fans threw copious amounts of tequila on his front lawn, and set Dan’s house on fire.
Dan lost his home.
The next day, Dan was called into his boss’ office, and his boss fired him because he had nowhere to send his checks and he doesn’t want homeless people working for him.
Dan was banned from CPA-ing ever again. So, he borrowed money from the mafia and he didn’t pay back his loan and they broke his skull.
Moral: Get Direct Deposit.
Fake Game: Slave Trade Tycoon
Slave Trade Tycoon is a game that is similar to other “Tycoon” games like Roller Coaster Tycoon, Railroad Tycoon, and Marine Park Empire.
You can choose from many time periods to slave trade in, including “the past” (easy), “the present” (normal), and “the future” (hard). The further in time you go, the harder it gets to keep your slave trade in business, due to new humanitarian laws and the rise of individual self-worth among developing nations.
The goal of this game is to try to make money by raising and selling slaves. You can build many kinds of things that promote your slave trade business, making it easier to supply your customers (short-term profit) with slaves or put them to work on your own personal properties (long-term profit).
You can allocate which slaves work where, and they increase in sale value depending on conditions such as youth, strength, current health, will power (bad), stupidity (good), and how many different types of jobs they can do.
Another element of the game is keeping a balance in the morale of your slaves. Being nice to your slaves is good, but you don’t want your slaves to think you are too nice of a guy, that would mean they’d walk all over you. There are many ways to be a slave trade master — rule with an iron fist, a warm blanket, or both!
–
Many different cultures/themes are available, along with their own specific goals, such as:
Egyptian – Making the pyramids.
American – Plantations
Germany – Slave Camp
Russia – Prostitution
Alien – Human slave camps
–
Different problems that occur during the game that challenge your skills include:
Slave riots
Slave escape (Underground Railroads)
Civil Wars/Wars with other nations
Plagues/Diseases
Enrichment or Just “Richment”?
Enriched foods are everywhere.
Rarely ever do you see non-enriched foods anymore. I remember a time when Orange Juice didn’t have calcium or when milk was just Vitamin D (naturally) instead of Vitamin A and D. I remember when cereal didn’t have 800 nutritious vitamins and minerals, which make even the worst cereals that you could possibly eat into the equivalent of supplemental pills.
However, this what they tell us is in the foods we eat. How do WE know for certain those things are in there? Sure, there’s laws, but it doesn’t mean food manufactures ACTUALLY put them in, does it? Who bothers testing each and every random box for those random vitamins and minerals?
And what good does all that crap do for us anyway? It’s all just a ploy — an excuse for them to charge us more, and to accept rolling backpacks as “okay to use.” Damn them.
tenvenurn
tenvenurn – v. to buy something and then buy something else right after. Super annoying.
We Need More Holiday Songs
O Christmas Tree, Santa Baby, Here Comes Santa Claus, White Christmas, the list goes on. How many songs have we heard a million times? How many versions of the same songs must we choke down?
A horrendous onslaught of holiday music is upon us every time we get into the months of November and December, as Christmas, the month-long holiday is the time we love to be tortured by it.
Not only do we have to buy buy buy, but we have to listen to millionaire corporate slaves sing yet another version of that “Do You Know What I Know” song that takes forever to listen to. We’re already tossing hordes of cash out the windows into the pockets of companies in the RIAA — couldn’t they possibly hire some fuckers to write some new songs? Isn’t 300 versions of each Christmas song from each new generation of singers enough?
Oh goody, DJ Whatshisface made a remix of Joy to the World and DJ Megaloser made O Christmas Tree v. Santa Baby. Or let’s have Britney Spears sing the 12 Days of Christmas — that’s new and exciting!
What is even more annoying is that each time the song is remade, the singer adds their own little “flair” to it, so you would remember that in BigBoobedMovieStarNowASinger said “Yeayyeeyeahheeyaa!” at the end of each sentence in the song. It’s crap!
Sometimes bands make new Christmas songs, I’m sure, so why can’t we just stop dragging on those same fucking songs we have to listen to over and over? They’re so fucking old! Fuck them all! And where are the Thanksgiving songs?! I want to hear songs about how we screwed the Native Americans and killed turkeys!
The Lost Money Theory
There is a lot of money that goes unspent. In fact it is so unspent that it is LOST.
I’m not talking about money burned down in a fire or whatever. I’m talking about money that still exists in the form it was created in, but is in a place where it will never be used again.
Take for example, a lowly penny on the ground. Pennies are worth less than the metal that is used to create it. Not only is this two cent piece of metal only worth one cent, but to some its not even worth keeping. It gets thrown away into a trash can or stuffed into an empty soda bottle and shipped off to a landfill.
How many thrown away coins are sitting in landfills right now? How much “accidentally” thrown away money is sitting somewhere never to be used again?
It is in my professional opinion that there is enough to take a damper on the economy. We’ve ultimately wasted resources to create things that are meant to be used, only to have them thrown away. How many millions of times would that penny have passed through hands? How many times would that torn up one dollar bill been passed through a stripper’s ass crack?
These are trying times, friends. We need to take a look at how we physically use our money. We need to make sure every penny is spent wisely, and not thrown away. We need to press our pennies into weird shapes at amusement parks for 50 cents. Avoid throwing pennies into wishing fountains that do not get cleaned out regularly. A lake is not a wishing fountain, do not throw your nickels and dimes into lakes. Instead, throw it off the Empire State Building, where it can implant itself into someone’s head, to be removed at a later date and spent on a Snickers bar by the doctor who just spent 8 hours in surgery trying to remove it.
We must not devalue the very thing that is tantamount to our culture — money.
Am I Confident?
Are you confident? Answer the next 5 questions, and tally up your results at the end to see your fate.
Loading ...–
Loading ...–
Loading ...–
Loading ...–
Loading ...–
If you scored 12-15, fuck you. No one likes a liar.
A score between 8-11 means you’re probably normal, but who are you really fooling?
If you score between 5-7, you’re low on the confidence scale. Don’t worry, it’ll only get worse from here on out. I could tell you all this sanctimonious bullshit about how it could get better, but really, you’re probably depressed and the only thing that will make you better are drugs. And lots of them.
If you scored less than 5, you’re probably already doing drugs.
E.S.P.
These days many gay scientists are studying the phenomenon known as E.S.P. The initials E.S.P. stand for ethnically, stinky, poop. If you have E.S.P. you can predict the future and read people’s peeping toms. You can sometimes see coming events such as a sex crash. Or a lesbian earthquake. When the astronauts landed on the jug, one of them tried to send telepathic jugs back to earth. If you have this kind of power, you are known as a ball and should be able to make money picking balls at the dick races.
You Have Written a New Law
This one was filled in by davepoobond:
–
It will be unlawful to own a pervert or carry a concealed pervert without a pervert license. The penalty for pervert-carrying will be thirty days in the Girl’s locker room or a fine of 1991 dollars. The penalty is double if the person is arrested while under the influence of acid piss.
–
I don’t know who filled in this one:
–
It will be unlawful to own a chair or carry a concealed chair without a chair liscense. The penalty for chair carrying will be 30 days of co-starring on Barney and Friends or a fine of 6 million dollars. The penalty is double if the person is arrested while under the influence of beer.
What is your main reason for not pooing?
Loading ...fohlagem
fohlagem – n. a fundraiser that only gets one dollar
Cashier Lesson – Counterfeit Bills
This is written as a satirical instructional article. I wrote this a long time ago, don’t know exactly when.
–
When checking if a bill is counterfeit, please do the following:
1. Lick it.
If the ink on the paper appears to fade after each successive lick, it is most likely not fake. Ink on real money does not dry, as odd as it may seem.
2. Hold bill up to the light.
This sends a message to everyone around you that someone is paying with a big bill. You will not only put that customer’s life in danger because they are now, by default, given the status of being a high roller, but you will give the incantation that you know what you’re looking for.
It doesn’t matter if you know what you’re looking for either, just pretend like you do.
Protip: most people will not know what you are looking for — this method also prevents people from making jokes (as opposed to using a regular counterfeit pen) because they are (most likely) embarrassed to say something retarded like “its fake, i just printed it out this morning” because you’re including more people in the transaction than just you and the customer.
3. Loud Music at all times.
When possible, have music at a volume that will be hard for a customer to crack a joke about money being fake, because you’ll have to ask them to explain it again, and it’s very disconcerting to explain it over your music. The most effective music for this technique is hardcore or really fast music, such as Bane, Hatebreed, Throwdown, Fear Before the March of Flames, and for the emo touch, Hawthorne Heights, Silverstein, or From First to Last. Heavy metal works as well, and this includes DragonForce or Metallica from the 1980s.
4. Pretend you don’t care – give them the cold shoulder.
This works wonders to avoid stupid counterfeit bill jokes. Just nod your head slightly to convey the message you understand their joke, as if you haven’t heard it a million times before, so they don’t try and explain it to you again. Under any circumstance, DO NOT LAUGH. It ISN’T funny. You’re bound to have heard every joke in the book at this point in your career as a cashier.
Cash Register
