Hooty McHoothoot was sitting on his branch in front of a flock of pigeons.
“What do you get when you cross an owl and a mouse?”
The pigeons all looked at each other, anticipating the answer.
“I don’t know, but I sure wouldn’t want to eat it! That’d be like eating my brother!”
The pigeons all looked at each other, not really understanding.
Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings. “Whoohaaa!! That was hilarious!!”
* * *
It was a cold black night in the middle of Hinjojeseph City, Maine. In an old, abandoned bread factory once run by the Doomsday Bread Corporation, several innocent ducks found their way in. This group of ducks had heard stories of the plentiful bread crumbs that could be located in the old bread factory, and the opportunity had presented itself to find their way in.
Dally, Yabigail, Paulty, Rowry, Arolu, and Muhduriug were so excited to have finally found their way into the abandoned warehouse, they began to gorge themselves on the bread that had seemingly not lost any of its flavor even though it had been abandoned for a few years. What the poor, innocent ducks did not know was that the bread made at the Doomsday Bread Factory was demonic bread made with the demonic spices of Turnevil and Meanolasses, to name a couple. The bread was so good in fact that it was too good. Too good in fact that it was sinful. So sinful in fact that it would make whoever ate the bread in large quantities into evil maniacal beings bent on destruction.
Dally Duck and Yabigail Duck were the first to turn during the night. Their feathers turned dark red and their wings began to grow claws on the ends. Their feathers became more like scales than feathers and their beaks turned black and pointed.
The rest of the ducks turned by the morning and soon they were in one of the back offices of the factory, colluding, about what nefarious deeds they should undertake.
The ducks all stood in a circle — all of them scheming about what destruction they would bring about. But, first they had to name themselves.
“What about Red Bi-pedal Ducks of the Impending Not-So-Far-Off Apocalypse?” Muhduriug Duck suggested.
“No! Too corporate! If the Doomsday Bread Factory catches wind of any money-making empire we make down the line they may sue us for trademark violation!” Arolu Duck threw up his wings into the air.
“How about Doomsday Ducks?” Rowry Duck suggested.
“I KNOW! DUCKS OF DOOM!” Paulty yelled.
“You’re a genius, Paulty!” Yabigail clapped her feet together on the floor in excitement.
“Yes, good going Paulty!” “You’re the best Paulty!”
All of the ducks loved their new name as they quacked and danced around.
* * *
Hooty McHoothoot was perched on a pier in front of a flock of sea gulls smacking their stupid feet on the wood boards in front of them.
“Knock knock!” Hooty announced to his “audience.”
The sea gulls slapped their feet against the floor some more.
“Who’s there?” Hooty filled in for his audience.
“Who.
Who who?
Hoohoohoo I’m an owl!”
Hooty waited for a response but the sea gulls just slapped their stupid feet on the wood boards in front of them.
Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings. “Whoohaaa!! That was hilarious!!”
* * *
The Ducks of Doom were in the Collusion Room of the Doomsday Bread Factory writing stuff on paper. Their writings consisted of diabolical and oh-so-mean plans to fit their group name of “Ducks of Doom.”
“How about we replace all of the water with liquid Einsteinium?” Muhduriug Duck suggested.
“Impossible! How would we ever be able to transport all of that Einsteinium and where would we put all the water???” Arolu Duck threw up his wings into the air.
“How about evaporating all of the water?” Rowry Duck added.
“I KNOW! WHY DON’T WE PUT THE EINSTEINIUM INSIDE THE WATER!” Paulty yelled.
“You’re a genius, Paulty!” Yabigail clapped her feet together on the floor in excitement.
“Yes, good going Paulty!” “You’re the best Paulty!”
All of the ducks loved their new doomsday plan as they quacked and danced around.
* * *
Hooty McHoothoot was sitting in a branch of the United States government called Congress.
“What do you get when an owl gets elected as a member of the government?” Hooty asked Congress.
The members of the US Congress were slapping their stupid feet on the floor and looked at each other in anticipation of the answer.
“I don’t know, but he wouldn’t be MY friend!” Hooty delivered the “punchline.”
The members of the US Congress continued slapping their stupid feet on the floor and looked at each other, not really understanding.
Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings. “Whoohaaa!! That was hilarious!!”
* * *
Muhduriug Duck was driving a semi-truck and backing a large tank of Einsteinium towards the ocean.
Arolu Duck was motioning the truck back more and more as it came upon the beach.
Rowry Duck, Yabigail Duck and Dally Duck placed wooden boards underneath truck as it got ever-closer to the ocean.
Paulty ran across the beach and yelled something incoherent.
All of the ducks stopped what they were doing and looked at Paulty.
“QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!”
Muhduriug Duck adjusted his trucker hat and looked out the window and spit on the ground. “WHAT?”
Paulty finally caught his breath and announced to the Ducks of Doom:
“We’ve been foiled! Congress has done something worse than we could have done! They passed a health care bill! That means our Einsteinium poisoning of the ocean will be negligible because everyone will be healed!”
All of the Ducks of Doom lowered their heads and quacked off into the distance as they went back to the Doomsday Bread Factory.
The semi-truck full of Einsteinium stayed neglected.
That was until Hooty McHoothoot flew over and landed on the semi-truck.
“Hm, I wonder what this stuff is?” Hooty McHoothoot took out a straw and took a big swig of what was inside.
Poor Hooty McHoothoot began to glow and all of the color in his feathers disappeared! He was all white, and not only that but his eyes turned into glistening diamonds surrounded by a gold trim. His beak became solid metal as well as his talons. His eyebrows went out of control and grew into his moustache and down the sides of his cheeks. His eyebrows pointed off and became horns.
Hooty McHoothoot squawked as his diamond eyes blew a hole into the atmosphere, degrading the O-zone layer.
Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings. “Whoohaaa!! That was hilarious!!”
Moral of the Story: Clean up after yourself.