Did you hear about the judge who got so tipsy at a Halloween party, he couldn’t pick the good guise from the bad guise?
Tag Archives: judge
Joke #12708
JUDGE: “Tell me, Miss, do you promise to take the groom for better or worse?”
BRIDE: “Judge, I promise to take him for everything.”
Joke #12347
TRAFFIC JUDGE: “For speeding, the penalty is ten days in jail or ten dollars cash.”
MOTORIST: “I’ll take the cash, Your Honor. I can use it.”
Joke #12325
JUDGE: “How can I be sure you’re telling the truth? You say you were only going 20 miles an hour in your car?”
DEFENDANT: “Yes, Your Honor, only 20 miles an hour. You see, I was on my way to see my dentist.”
Joke #12322
JUDGE: “Your wife says you beat her up every night. She claims you come home mad and hit her with rights and lefts. Is that true, Mr. Henkly?”
HENKLY: “Don’t believe her, Judge. She’s punch drunk.”
Joke #12309
JUDGE: “Tell the court how old you are, Ma’am.”
LADY: “21 years and some months.”
JUDGE: “How many months? Remember you’re under oath.”
LADY: “127 months.”
Joke #12303
JUDGE: “Mr. Fenton you were arrested for stealing an elephant. Tell me, why did you steal an elephant?”
MR. FENTON: “My dad once told me, ‘Son, if you’re goin’ to steal, steal big.'”
Joke #12300
MAN: “Judge, I want a divorce. My wife keeps a pig in our bedroom at night and the stench is terrible.”
JUDGE: “Well, why don’t you open a window?”
MAN: “What! And lose all my pigeons?”
Joke #12032
“How come you’re divorcing your husband after fifty-three years?”
“It’s like this, Your Honor, enough is enough.”
Joke #11571
Q: Why did the retired basketball player become a judge?
A: To stay on the court.
Joke #9309: The Judge Shows No Class
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge’s eyes. “You’re a schoolteacher, eh?” he said. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!”
Joke #9288: Contempting Proposition
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return.
“What for?” he snapped at the judge.
His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s what for!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, “It’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words!”
gavel
gavel – n. the hammer a judge uses in a court room, and to bash people’s head with. Verrry speical. Made out of wood!
Joke #1: They Beat Me
There’s a kid in divorce court, and the judge asks the kid, “Who do you want to live with?”
The kid says, “Neither.”
The judge asks, “why?”
The kid says, “because they beat me!”
Then the judge asks, “Who do you want to live with?”
The kid says, “The Chicago Bears, because they don’t beat anyone!”
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Another variation of this joke:
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents.
When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said “No, I can’t live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly.”
“Okay,” said the judge, “Then you want to live with your mother, right?”
“No way!” replied baby bear, “She beats me worse than Poppa bear does.”
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn’t quite know what to do. “Well, you have to live with someone, so are there any relatives you would like to stay with?”
“Yes,” answered baby bear, “my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.”
“You’re sure she will treat you well and won’t beat you?” asked the judge.
“Oh certainly,” said baby bear, “The Chicago Bears don’t beat anybody.”