Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 500, 1 to hold the lightbulb and 499 to turn the house
Tag Archives: house
Joke #5260: Do the Screw
It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool,” says Bobby. Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.
“Oh yeah,” says Carries father, “our Carrie really loves to screw. She’d screw all night if we’d let her!”
Well, this makes Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
Joke #5226: Divorce For Wear
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”
Joke #5221: All Wrapped Up
For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, “Honey! I’m in the living room.”
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”
Joke #5209: Steven Wright Stand Up
Years ago I worked in a natural organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and said “if I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” I said “I don’t know, let me ask Tony.”
Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
So I figured I’d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes. I really wasn’t into meditating, and she really wasn’t into being alive.
I told her I knew when I was gonna die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.
I decided to leave and go to California so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygenists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch.
I headed for the highway and I began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cabin and I opened the door and the guy said “I don’t have much room in here, why don’t you get in one of the cars in the back?” So I did. And he was really into picking up people because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles an hour and we all got speeding tickets.
I have the photograph of my license taken out of focus on purpose. So when the police do stop me they go “…here you can go.”
One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I have a telescope on the peephole of my door so I can see who’s at the door for 200 miles. “Who is it?” “Who’s it gonna be when you get here?”
I have an answering machine for my phone. When I’m not home and someone calls me up they hear the recording of a busy signal.
I lost a buttonhole.
Joke #5201: Catch It
There was a little boy walking one day and he walked by this house. On the front porch of the house was an old man. The man says to the boy, “Where are you going with that chicken wire?” The boy says, “To catch chickens!” The man says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” After a couple of hours the boy returns with a dozen chickens on the wire. The man was amazed and the asked the boy for his secret. He did not reveal it. The next day, the same boy walked by the same man but now with duct tape. “Where you going with duct tape, boy?” “To catch ducks!” “You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!” “Watch!” says the boy. A few hours later, he returns with ducks lined along the tape. Again the old man was amazed and really wanted the secret. The next day after, the boy walks by again. The old man says, ” Where you going with that stick?” The boy says, “This ain’t no stick, this here is a pussy willow.” The old man says, “Wait here so I can grab my hat and I’ll be right with ya!”
wuam
wuam – n. a house built in a day
wallstep
wallstep – n. a step that is in a hillbilly house that leads to absolutely nowhere
roumbe
roumbe – n. a house that is blown up with air and you jump around in it, bouncing off the walls and other people
bodine
bodine – n. a clean house…and office!