“One day I was walking home from school, when all of a sudden somebody came over to me. He took my glasses and stomped on them. He took my clothes off and then burned them while I watched mournfully at the bon fire in front of me. I cried for 3 weeks straight afterwards.”
– davepoobond
The six things I could never do without
“bra, undies, clean water, pen, glasses, and a voice.”
– from a girl’s dating profile
The following is a tally of how many times this annoying asshole in my physics class said certain things over the period of about 5 days. I only wrote the dates down for the first 2 days.
He would always say certain things out loud — he had no self control in keeping his god damned mouth shut and not make any noise while we tried to take notes from the teacher. He was this huge, 8 foot tall, fat, nerdy guy that sat in the front row and always wore a red shirt with arm pit stains. He always had a rolling backpack so you could hear him coming down the hall. He also had nerdy glasses on, as if the previous wasn’t enough to cement the fact he’s a stupid nerd.
I lost interest after those 5 days because he did these so many times, it wasn’t worth counting anymore:
–
Says “mmhmm:”
Feb 14, 2005: 13 times
Feb 15, 2005: 34 times
3rd day: 5 times
4th day: 13 times
5th day: 25 times
–
Says “mmhno:”
Feb 14, 2005: 1 time
–
Answers a Question (but usually mumbles to himself rather than actually raising his hand to legitimately answer it):
Feb 14, 2005: 16 times
Feb 15, 2005: 68 times
3rd day: 12 times
4th day: 20 times
5th day: 11 times
–
Says “right:”
Feb 14, 2005: 2 times
–
Says “no:”
Feb 14, 2005: 8 times
Feb 15, 2005: 8 times
3rd day: 6 times
4th day: 3 times
5th day: 4 times
–
Says “hmm:”
Feb 14, 2005: 2 times
–
Says “yeaah:”
Feb 14, 2005: 1 time
Feb 15, 2005: 1 time
–
Says “unhunh:”
Feb 14, 2005: 2 times
Feb 15, 2005: 3 times
3rd day: 1 time
4th day: 1 time
5th day: 2 times
–
Says “Yep/yes:”
Feb 14, 2005: 1 time
Feb 15, 2005: 8 times
3rd day: 7 times
4th day: 3 times
5th day: 2 times
–
Does something stupid (with elaboration):
Feb 14, 2005: 6 times
1. Didn’t bring a Scantron for a test.
2. Somehow lost his study guide since the last time it was given out (which is the 2nd time it was passed out) – counts as 2.
3. Yawned like a vampire
4. Answered a question wrong. Saying, it wasn’t 300,000 km/hr for a light year.
5. Answered a question wrong. Professor said, “nice guess.”
Feb 15, 2005: 5 times
1. Said Moon cycle was 273 days, when it is actually 29.5
2. Said “I love the moon!”
3. Laughed after answering question wrong
4. Nodded his head and looked at the rest of the class, as if looking for people to agree with him.
5. Yawned like a vampire, really loudly.
3rd day: 1 time
1. Someone told him to shut up, but kept doing his same shit.
Q: Why did the dalmation need glasses?
A: He was seeing spots.
My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60’s music.
They recently got front-row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.
When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert.
My daughter says, “Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!”
POLICEMAN: “Your driver’s license says you should be wearing glasses.”
MOTORIST: “I have contacts.”
POLICEMAN: “I don’t care how much pull you’ve got, you’re still getting a ticket.”
EYE PATIENT: “I stepped on my glasses and broke them. Will the doctor have to examine me all over again?”
NURSE: “No, just your eyes.”
“he didn’t have his glasses on so I had a feeling he couldn’t see the board”
– Dr. OldNBald
doyouthinkhesaurus – n. a dinosaur that lost his glasses
CONFUCIUS SAY: People who view world through rose-colored glasses end up seeing red.
Q: What do you get if you cross a phone with a pair of glasses?
A: A television.
Q: What do you call a bird with glasses?
A: A bird watcher.
“Extra Extra read all about it, Giant Apes take over Mars.”
According to Mr. Cream-eata-daz-low-fat this will be the headline in the year 3065. Cream-eata-daz-low-fat claims he made this prediction by reading a crossword puzzle upside down without his glasses. Although the predictor was not thinking at this time and had just hit himself in the head with a tree while summersaulting down a snowy hill we take this into consideration. I mean what if apes took over Mars and made it a great place to live. Also what if they became our friends and helped up with all our problems. We can’t stand for it! How do you expect up to let this happen? According to an eight-year-old we must do the chciken dance to stop these apes. So let us chicken dance. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! We shall chicken dance like no tomorrow. We shall have problems and not solve them. It’s the right thing to do. Now I’ve got a report with cobwebs all over it that Disco is..OVER! NOOOOO! I’ve got to go!
#1: It was the best date i ever had. He had the most gorgeous features that were as charming as a prince. And had the most muscular body in the world. I’m kinda disappointed actually at how he looks. He looks OK, but not great. He’s got a unibrow. We went to the Glendale Marketplace. The crowds gave us a cozy feeling as we walked by the rows of cute stores and restaraunts. Bands were playing, and the smell of food from the small shops gave us a feeling of hunger. We ate and he took me back to my mansion. We kissed good night and as he walked away, that’s when it happened! He changed into a rabbit, hopped into his car and drove away with nothing more than a twitch of his nose, no goodbye. I wonder if i’ll ever see him again… #2: It was the best date i ever had. She was beautiful, her short hair was cute and her glasses made her intelligent. Her hair was so beautiful when it waved in the wind. When i saw her for the first time i knew things would go great for us. Our first date was not truly a date because we meet on a plane and were on our way to Paris.
She was a rich person, but that’s what you get when you date a movie star, and she was the only person that thought the patch on my eye looked good and i should have a big ol’ parrot to go with it, so she suggested that we could go and catch one in the rainforest one day.
As we got off the plane, we instantly saw the Eiffel Tower, and it was a fantatstic sight. Looking out onto sunlite Paris, I turned to my date and exposed a rose I had hidden in my coat, i handed it to her and she kissed me. I can’t remember anything after that, i was boozed up.
I woke the next morning with a headache and thought to myself, i probably had a nice night after i got drunk, since i couldn’t remember anything.