Submittred through the Anti-Barney the Dinosaur Song submission form.
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This form was submitted: Dec 21 2007 / 04:39:39
name = Evil Duck
email = fake@fakanoid.com
use_email = yes
song = I love Chemistry.
I love Barney, you love me,
Lets go swimming in the sea
With a huge snorkel and diving things
And lets go blast the starfish rings.
HAHAHAHAHA beat that,
I hate this
This hates me
Some geek needs some therapy
About some stuff bout chemistry
Get a grip and grow up pwee
Submitted through the Anti-Barney the Dinosaur Song submission form.
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This form was submitted: May 12 2008 / 16:53:57
name = John smith
song = That Barney’s dead. Let’s hang Barney from a tree! What does this have to do with Barney? So let’s kill the f***ing b**** that is Barney. Barney sucks. He’s bad, he sucks, and he’s a nuisance to adults everywhere. HE’S SO DUMB HE CAN’T BREATHE. Let’s hang Chemistry from a tree. And while we’re at it, let’s damage Barney’s reputation. He’s almost as bad as Chemistry. Let’s hang Barney from a tree. Let’s make Barney go on a killing spree. Barney sucks more, though. Barney had some cannibals.With a punch and a kick and a bite from here to there. Barney’s in a grave, that’s where! So no one can frickin drive in this frickin world Let’s hang them and also Barney and Chemistry. Let’s hang Barney from a tree. Let’s all plot to kill Barney. No more purple dinosaur!
Barney is a asshole
Q: Why did no one take Chemistry at high school?
A: Because it’s so frickin boring.
I’ll say a sentence, and for various majors, I will translate for you:
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“In physics class, he almost fell on the slippery floor.”
Physics: “In physics class, the coefficient of friction was such that he almost collided with the ground at an impact which would be painful, but he quickly shifted his center of mass to overcome the change in displacement of his feet in relation to the rest of his body.”
Education: “Now class, make sure you watch where you step, or you might fall down and get a boo-boo!”
Business: “Judging from our third quarter report, sales are down because the floor was slippery, but our stockholders will catch us if Human Resources gets their act together.”
Chemistry: “Ka-blamo!”
Sports Management: “STEVENSON! GET YOUR ASS OFF THE FLOOR! THIS ISN’T A SLUMBER PARTY! I WANT YOU TO RUN 30 MORE LAPS!”
Theatre: “Alas, science has fallen me yet again. This floor, laden with water of Hades, seeks to claim my soul. Lo! If only thou wouldst catch me at my utmost diagonal juxtaposition, your thanks would be mine to give.”
Art: “The pea green chalkboard distracted the fleshy-colored person from the transparent water, and he slipped on the beige floor.”
Pre-law: “Your Honor, my client, the floor, had no involvement in the slippage, as the water was placed there without the floor’s consent. The floor is not slippery given the right conditions. I move for a mis-trial.”
Undecided: “Uh…..”
History: “The Mayans were a very advanced civilization. Many Mayan scholars were learned in physics, and pretty much everyone knew that if a floor was slippery, to let their slaves to mop it up and put a wet floor sign up.”
Computer Science:
try {
Walk->chalkboard;
if (floor == slippery)
throw (walking_error(Sussman));
}
catch (exception & fall) {
cout << fall.what() << “You almost fell. Nerd.” endl;
}
Music: “Why would I go to physics? My major involves learning nothing.”
Liberal Studies: “Same here.”
Psychology: “The floor’s inferiority complex conflicted with the subconscious of him, who wished nothing more than to walk over it like he did with his former self.”
Political Science: “If I’m elected, I will do everything in my power to ensure that our floors will never be too slippery. Vote for me.”
French: “Haw haw haw! You silly American pig!”
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“You just can’t eat hot soup with your bare hands.”
Theology: “Thou shalt not consume unleavened bread with thine arms of God.”
Theatre: “Soup tempt me no further! Silverware must I use to defeat thee!”
Physics: “It is impossible to transfer soup of at least 120°F into one’s mouth using an apparatus, like hands, which cannot withstand the heat.”
Undecided: “Uhhhhhh.”
Education: “Now, Goldilocks thought the first bowl of porridge was too hot, but she didn’t have a spoon to use.”
Computer Science:
Soup campbell(cream_of_potato);
campbell.cook(5) // Cook for 5 minutes
if (!fork && campbell.temp() >= too_hot)
{ campbell.spill_down_your_shirt();
campbell.scream_in_agony();
}
Marketing: “This soup is hot hot hot! Too hot for hands! Only $99.95! Call now and we’ll throw in these special soup-eating gloves!”
Psychology: “Your hands are jealous of the soup and its intensity. This stems back to a repressed childhood memory in which your parents used to feed you strained peas which were way too hot and you cried.”
French: “We call soup bouillabaisse. Haw haw haw!”
Journalism: “Twelve ounces of soup were detained Monday when it scalded the hands of a local moron, authorities said.”
Music:
“Vegetable! (Vegetable!)
Chicken noodle! (Chicken noodle!)
Alphabet! (Alphabet!)
Spaghettios! (That ain’t soup!)
Matzoh ball! (Matzoh ball!)
Split pea! (No soup for you!)
Minestrone! (Minestrone!)
Tom Kha Gai! (That soup’s hot!)
Leeky-leeky! (Leeky-leeky!)
Wonton! (Wonton!)
Gazpacho! (You can do that!)”
– Da Vinci’s Notebook, “Hot Soup”
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“The Devil Rays will not win the World Series this year.”
Theatre: “A dagger through my heart, and a baseball through my legs, our misled fish of the Devil shalt finish last.”
Nursing: “Doctor! The pitching staff is choking! Perform the Heimlich!”
Communications: “We need to tell people that the D-Rays suck, but by using as much technology as possible so it gets to all corners of the globe 1/100th of a second faster.
Undecided: “Uhh…”
Education: “Now class, it’s not whether you win or lose, but whether or not you finish in last place every year you’ve been in existence.”
Computer Science:
DevilRays.setLosses(100);
DevilRays.fire(“Lou Piniella”);
DevilRays.contract();
Music: “I have a useless major, but at least I got paid 50 bucks to sing the National Anthem.”
Journalism: “The Devil Rays, the minor league team of the Yankees, suffered another losing season and drew a total of 200 fans.”
Spanish: “I can’t talk right now. I have to get on a raft and defect to America, so I can play for the horrible Tampa Bay team.”
Submitted through the Anti-Barney Song submission form.
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name = dude
email =
use_email = yes
song = cemistry sucks
CHEMISTRY PROFESSOR: “Rollins, what does HNO3 mean?”
ROLLINS: “Uh… well… I’ve got it on the tip of my tongue, Prof.”
CHEMISTRY PROFESSOR: “Well, you’d better spit it out fast! It’s nitric acid.”
Q: What kind of dog would a chemistry professor have?
A: A laboratory retriever.
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked. Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
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Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which soul! s enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will i ncrease until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in getting a date with her. Then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”