Tag Archives: bus

Joke #9280: Butcher Money Where Your Mouth Is

A butcher is in his shop, really busy.  He notices a dog and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well.” The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there.

So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it’s close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus.

Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There’s no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.

He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him, punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. “What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”, to which the guy responds “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week that he’s forgotten his key.”

Joke #9263: Bridge Over the River Quiet

JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn’t want to hear them.

To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they’d just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.

Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, “You know, girls, there’s a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . ” Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, “Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There’s plenty of time because the bus doesn’t leave until morning!”

Joke #9258: The Prayer Scare

A man is struck by a bus on a busy New York City street. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd – no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

“A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

“Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’ve lived behind St. Mary’s Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I’ve listened to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.”

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

“B – 4. I – 19. N – 38. G – 54. O – 72.”

Joke #9184

Traffic was heavy on the service road to the airport. Our bus driver signaled to change lanes so he could overtake a slow-moving car. Just as he got ready to pass, the driver of the car put her arm out the window indicating she was going to move left. Our driver drew back and waited for her to change lanes but she didn’t. After a minute she pulled her arm back in.

When we tried to pass her a second time, the woman again held out her hand only to withdraw it a minute later. “C’mon, lady, make up your mind,” our driver mumbled. Finally, after four false starts, we sped past her car. I looked down to see the woman painting her fingemails. As she finished each nail, she waved her arm out the window to let the polish dry.

The Bus Driver Theory

hmm…damn bus drivers, think they can drive in and try to take over the damn world, it’s a consipracy, see: they start out as bus drivers making people 1 minute late for school, then they move onto 2 minutes, then 3 then next thing you know it’s an hour late. So that bus drivers around the world can make people so late that the world will just collapse because the president will be late and people running electricity companys will be late so the whole worlld won’t have electricity and then, they move in, they call there special Barney Fan Special forces which destroys the minds of people…

A Bus Ride

I was going home from Jack In the Box one day, and since I couldn’t drive then, I had to take the public bus home. When I got on, there was a weird old Spanish lady. When I sat down, we were going along for a while, and the stupid lady kept taking glances at me. It was weird…old Spanish ladies spook me out. You always see them randomly walking around down a street or something, because they don’t have a car or something.

Later on, this weird kid with a cast on his arm, got on, and he sat directly across from me. After about 2 minutes, he asked me “where are you going?” I said, “Home…” Then he says, “Cool…I think I’ll go there, too” That made me raise an eyebrow. I was thinking he meant coming home with me…so when we got to my stop, I got off, the kid got off, and the lady got off. The lady went the opposite direction from me, and the kid was following me, it seemed. I was getting freaked out because he was following me. He followed me for about 4 blocks, then just disappeared. Weird day.