NEWLYWED HUSBAND: “Honey, tomorrow I plan to shoot some dice if it’s all right with you?”
NEWLYWED WIFE: “It’s okay with me, but don’t bring any home. I don’t know the first thing about cooking them.”
Joke #12419
A TV rating outfit recently called a sample of the male population in New York and asked, “Who are you listening to at this time?”
Of the respondents, .995 percent answered, “My wife.”
Joke #12418
Q: Do you know what keeps the average married man from buying a color TV set?
A: …Reading the price tag in black and white.
Joke #12417
Mother to her teenaged daughter: “Are you going steady now?”
“Yes, I am, Mom. On Tuesday with Mike, Wednesday with Jimmy, Thursday with Frankie…”
Joke #12416
A man came home one night and found his house locked up tight. He searched his pockets, but couldn’t find his house key.
After trying all the first-floor windows, he finally climbed up on a garbage can and in through a second-story window. he turned on the lights and found a note from his wife on a table: “Dear, I have gone to the store. you will find the key under the mat.”
Joke #12415
One teenaged gal to another: “Danny and I are going steady, and our romance is looking up. His dad raised his allowance.”
Joke #12414
My wife is a terrible cook. You could use her spaghetti to play tug of war!
Joke #12413
You can’t win with kids. I ordered mine not to chew gum so they wouldn’t get toothaches. They swallowed it whole instead and got stomach aches.
Joke #12412
Parents drive kids crazy too! When kids run around the house and make noise, their parents say, “Sit down and be quiet!”
When kids finally sit down and be quiet, what do their parents say to them, “What’s the matter? Don’t you feel well?”
Joke #12411
If I was cremated, my ex-wife would probably have my ashes put in a spittoon.
Joke #12410
My great-grandfather invented bourbon. But he tested his invention so often that he never made it to the patent office.
Joke #12409
My husband has an odd job. If he has a job, it’s odd.
Joke #12408
“The brakes are gone!” cried the wife. “I can’t stop the car. What should I do?”
Her husband beside her in the front seat said, “Keep calm and look for a cheap economy car.”
“Why bother to look for a cheap economy car?” she asked.
“Do you think I’m going to let you stop by crashing into a brand new luxury car?”
Joke #12407
Bachelors, man was not meant to live alone. So get a dog.
Joke #12406
My husband cultivates friends like he does his garden… with continual digs.