After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed.
“Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?” said the guy who answered the phone.
“Sorry,” said my boss. “I was looking for Ahmed.”
“This is Ahmed,” came the reply. “How can I help you?”
“I thought you just said your name was Ed?” asked my boss.
“It is. But whenever I say ‘Ahmed,’ people think I’m saying, ‘I’m Ed.’ So I figured it’s just easier to be Ed.”
Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. “Now that you’re over 40,” the doctor told him, “you’ve developed a condition called ‘presbyopia,’ in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to.”
Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. “Congratulations!” he said. “You’re now officially a presbyope!”
Doug leaned over and asked seriously, “If that means I’m no longer a Roman Catholic, do I still have to go to Confession?”
I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.
“Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage,” I observed casually. “A person has no idea what he’s getting until it’s too late.”
“I know,” he replied. “I’ve had three cantaloupes.”
A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
“Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!” she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: “Don’t worry, madam. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position.”
“I’m 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!”
Everybody’s a comedian. I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. “I know the Sheetrock is nailed to the studs,” I said to the guy who answered the phone, “but how do I find the studs?”
“Put an ad in the personals column.” he suggested.
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason ‘why this couple should not be married’. His reception wasn’t disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, “I’d like to order breakfast for two.”
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, “Make that five.”
In my job as an electronics salesman, I’ve seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy.
One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD’s, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, “Does it get cable?”
Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I’d written then.
“All you have to do,” I told her, “is to change the details, the date, and the name.”
She looked it over and smiled wryly. “We won’t even need to change the name.”
Playing golf with his buddies, George had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?”
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. Too bad, George missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.
George pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, ‘I can make this putt.’
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet…and George is too.
Cassie walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register she saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. She asked the clerk what the letters were supposed to mean, and the clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
Cassie thought a moment and then replied, “Well, I don’t think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of these caps.”
After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. “Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published.”
The pastor replied, “Actually, I’m planning to have all my sermons published posthumously.”
“Great!” enthused the church member. “The sooner the better!”
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
“How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?” I asked.
“Still employed,” he answered.
Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts. The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to know one another’s habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of my teeth were chipped.
“It looks like you clench your jaw at night,” he said.
“No way,” I blurted without thinking. “No one has ever said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!”
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin.
A guy accidentally puts his car into reverse and backs into a guard rail. So he asks his blonde girlfriend to jump out and tell him if the blinkers are still working.
The blonde walks around to the back of the car and says… “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no…”