Category Archives: Jokes

The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!

Joke #8902

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way.

The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn’t donate even a cent to a charity.

“First of all”, says the lawyer, “my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it’s not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister’s husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children…”

“I’m terribly sorry”, says the United Way man, “I feel bad about asking for money.”

The Lawyer responds, “Yeah, well if I’m not giving them any money, why should I give you any?”

Joke #8901

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, “Hey, cut it out, alright.” The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says,” I said don’t do that again!” The rear tiger says “sorry” again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, “What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop.” The rear tiger says, “I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I’m just trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

Joke #8882

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.  The first guy says to the second, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”  The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic chord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.  As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.  Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.  The first guy jumps.  He bounces at the end of the chord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.  Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.  This time, he is bruised and bleeding.  Again, the second guy misses him.  The first guy falls again and bounces back up.  This time, he comes back pretty messed up, he’s got a couple broken bones and is almost unconscious.  Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, “what happened? Was the chord too long?” The first guy says, “No, the chord was fine, but what the hell is a piñata?”

Joke #8876

A guy walks into a restaurant and sits down. A waiter comes next to him and asks him what he will have.

“How much does a beer cost” asked the customer.

The waiter responded: “2 cents”

The guy, quiet frankly surprised, asked: “How much does soup cost?”

The waiter responded: “2 cents”

The guy then asked “How about the steak dinner” “2 cents” was the reply of the waiter.

The guy then asked: “can i speak to the manager?”

The waiter responded: “no he’s upstairs with my wife…”

The guy then asked:  “whats he doin with your wife?”

The waiter then said” The same thing I’m doing with his buisness”

Joke #8875

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”


Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

 

Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…

 

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

 

Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

 

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.

 

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!”