Category Archives: Jokes

The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!

Joke #9182

A man wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party.  So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says let’s put, “You are not getting older you are getting better”.

The salesman asks “How do you want me to put it?”

The man says, “Well put ‘You are not getting older,’ at the top and ‘You are getting better’ at the bottom. ”

The real fun didn’t start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake “You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!”

Joke #9179

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?”
He replied, “To the kitchen.”

She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replied, “Sure.”

She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He said, “No, I can remember that.”

She then said, “Well I would also like some strawberries on top.  You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”

He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

“I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

Joke #9178

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. “What’s wrong?” The depressed one replied, “I’ve been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away.”

The other lady asked, “What did they used to do?”

The depressed lady replied, “Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician.”

And the other said, “Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go…”

Joke #9177

Back in the ancient days before e-mail, people used to send messages by what they quaintly called a telegram. Charges were by the word, regardless of the length of the word.

An infatuated young man was sending a mushy love note to his girlfriend. The message read: “Oozie loves Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie”

“You can have up to 9 words for the same rate”, said the Western Union telegraph operator.

“Why not add another “Woozie” it won’t cost you any more.”

“No, thanks,” replied the young man.

“I think that would sound rather silly.”

Joke #9175

A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that – I – am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The funeral director,” his wife replied.

Joke #9174

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk.”I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.

Joke #9173

A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

“What did you take?” his priest asked.

“Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.”

“This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?”

“No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied. “But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”

Joke #9172

This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, “What does this remind you of?”

The guy replied, “A naked woman.” Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, “A naked woman on a bed.” This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.

The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, “You are a sick pervert.”

The guy replied, “I’m not the pervert here. You’re the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures.”

Joke #9171

As a sargeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet, sad, looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. “Scared, Lieutenant?” I asked.

He replied, “No, just a bit apprehensive.”

I asked, “What’s the difference??”

He replied, “That means I’m scared with a university education.”

Joke #9170

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, “So … how was I?”

“Well,” she said, “You can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

Joke #9168

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

Joke #9167

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.  “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

Joke #9165

Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.

Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She says she can’t feel her legs!”