The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
We had been going crazy with a new copying machine that seemed to gobble paper like a piranha and needed repair almost every day. In addition, a large sign proclaimed: “Only qualified key operators are allowed to open machine. Please call one of the persons listed.”
These people were very difficult to find at crucial moments, so someone scrawled on the sign: “Jammed if you do — and jammed if you don’t.”
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, “Oh darling, I’m the happiest man in the world.”
“I’m glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us,” she replied.
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss – that’s just my pay check in my pocket.”
“Oh really” she spat. “then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour.”
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
I was at my bank to make a deposit when the clerk behind the counter turned to the computer for information. As she touched a button, a small part suddenly flew off the machine.
All sorts of odd symbols started flashing across the screen.
I heard her gasp, and then she turned to me in wide-eyed wonder and exclaimed, “It’s swearing at me!”
A Colleague was having a hard time operating her desktop computer.
It was apparent that she had reached the end of her patience when she muttered at the screen, “I know one thing. If I had a glass face like you do, I’d sure behave better.”
A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
“Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting, “Give me your hand!” But the man would not reach up.
Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. “Friend,” he asked, “What is your profession?”
“I am an IRS agent,” gasped the man. “In that case,” said Joe, “Take my hand!”
The IRS agent immediately grasped the Joe’s hand and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, “Never ask an IRS agent to “give” you anything, you fools!”
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with Rollo while you’re waiting?” He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through.”
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through — and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul’s date walked out.
“Isn’t Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?”
“To tell the the truth,” he replied, “he seemed a little depressed to me.”
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that
thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
“It’s just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I’ll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink.”
His friends at work agree: “Why don’t you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else.”
He looks at them, stunned: “You know, you’re probably right, but I just can’t give up the glamour of show business!”
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, “I don’t get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation.”
The angel says, “We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?”
The preacher says, “Once in a while someone fell asleep.”
The angel says, “Right. And when people rode in this guy’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!”
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car.
One particular Sunday however, he was so sick that he really didn’t feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out.
They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father. “Well” the father asked, “did you enjoy your ride with Mommy?” “Oh yes! Daddy” the girl replied, “and do you know what… we didn’t see a single bastard!”
Traffic was heavy on the service road to the airport. Our bus driver signaled to change lanes so he could overtake a slow-moving car. Just as he got ready to pass, the driver of the car put her arm out the window indicating she was going to move left. Our driver drew back and waited for her to change lanes but she didn’t. After a minute she pulled her arm back in.
When we tried to pass her a second time, the woman again held out her hand only to withdraw it a minute later. “C’mon, lady, make up your mind,” our driver mumbled. Finally, after four false starts, we sped past her car. I looked down to see the woman painting her fingemails. As she finished each nail, she waved her arm out the window to let the polish dry.
A man lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said “Chopsticks were provided only on request.”
“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”
“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”