A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
Jokes that are more or less offensive.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad… or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I’m pretty sure it’s Colin.
Q: How many women does it take to drive a car?
A: I don’t know. It’s never been done successfully.
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothin’! You told her twice already!
Q: Why are men like parking spaces?
A: Because by the time you get there, the only ones that are left are handicap.
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
– Two Italian men and one Italian woman
– Two French men and one French woman
– Two German men and one German woman
– Two Greek men and one Greek woman
– Two English men and one English woman
– Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
– Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
– Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
– Two Irish men and one Irish woman
– Two American men and one American woman
–
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a “ménage à trois.”
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they’re satisfied because the English aren’t having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut the fuck up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a goddamn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin’ nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping…
A baby seal walked into a club…
President Bush and Colin Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”
The bartender says, “Yep, that’s them.” So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We’re planning WW-III”. And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman.”
The guy exclaimed, “A bicycle repairman!!!, why kill a bicycle repairman?”
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”
Q: What sounds better the more you beat it?
A: My wife, cause she shuts the fuck up.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no ideer.
Q: What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A: Raising up his feet so you can vacuum.
Q: Why was the ocean arrested?
A: Because it beat upon the shore.
Q: How much cocaine has Charlie Sheen snorted?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
The bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture.
The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague.
Yes, that is correct. They were able to right a bad czech.