The other day, a girl told me I have a face that could drive women crazy
…and I have a funny feeling she didn’t mean it as a compliment.
All posts by davepoobond
How You Know If You Should Have Plastic Surgery
There are many reasons why people have plastic surgery and we offer some of them here:
– You meet “Big Foot” in the woods and he faints when he sees you.
– You’re not allowed in the zoo because you scare the animals.
– An organ grinder offers you a job as his monkey.
– Your teacher makes you sit facing the back of the room.
– A cop gives you a ticket for being criminally ugly.
Joke #11959
Pigeons must have E.S.P. They always seem to know when you’ve just washed your car.
Joke #11958
Did you hear about the old man who was so lonely that he tried to carry on a conversation with his talking breakfast cereal?
Joke #11957
Nobody likes me. Even my margarine won’t say, “Butter,” to me.
Joke #11956
Inflation has turned me into an early riser. To make extra cash, I got a paper route.
Joke #11955
Q: Where do cows go when they want a night out?
A: To the Moooovies!
Joke #11954
Talk about cheap restaurants! I ordered hot chocolate and the waiter brought me an empty cup, a match, and a chocolate bar!
Joke #11953
MAN: “A cup of coffee without cream, please.”
WAITER: “We’re out of cream, sir, but I can give you a cup of coffee without milk.”
Joke #11952
Q: How does a musician clean a dirty tuba?
A: With a tuba toothpaste, naturally!
Joke #11951
GIRL: “Did you know that women are smarter than men?”
BOY: “Really? I never knew that.”
GIRL: “There! See what I mean.”
Joke #11950
Q: What happens to illegally parked frogs?
A: They get toad away.
Joke #11949
MAN (to bank teller): “I’d like to borrow some money.”
TELLER: “I’m sorry, but the loan arranger is out.”
MAN: “That’s okay. Let me talk to Tonto.”
Joke #11948
Figure this one out, environmentalists:
What do you do if you see an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?
Confidence Is…
What is confidence, you want to know? Well…confidence is:
– Going to the race track for the first time in your life and betting every penny you have on a 50 to 1 shot.
– Walking through Central Park at night and carrying your life savings in your wallet.
– Spending all your savings on a huge luxury car because you’re the gas shortage won’t last.
– Telling a mugger armed with a gun that you won’t give him your money and he can’t make you.
– Mailing the only copy of a book it took you five years to write to a publisher without putting a return address on the envelope.
– Having an argument with the Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World and daring him to lay a hand on you.