These days, the only person who makes more money than he can use is a counterfeiter.
All posts by davepoobond
Joke #12501
With winters being colder than ever and the price of heating oil skyrocketing, I’ll tell you what’s next on the market… antifreeze for people.
Joke #12500
The ocean is really polluted. These days, sardines have more mercury than thermometers.
Joke #12499
The trouble with fishing in polluted waters is that if you catch a whopper, you end up with your cake, but you can’t eat it.
Joke #12498
The waters in this country must really be polluted. The other day I saw a school of minnows picketing a stream.
Joke #12496
Nothing is worse than paying your own medical insurance and being healthy every day of your life.
Joke #12495
Politicians are carefree when it comes to junkets. They don’t care where they go as long as it’s free.
Joke #12494
An exclusive neighborhood is a place where the rents are high and the noses are even higher.
Joke #12493
Inflation is worse than I thought. Last week I beat a one-armed bandit in Las Vegas, and the slot machine paid me off in I.O.U.’s.
Joke #12492
We know a fellow with really bad luck. Last week he bought a suit with four pairs of pants and he burned a hole in his jacket.
Joke #12491
A young man wanted to marry a comedian’s daughter. “Sir,” said the young man, “may I have your daughter for my wife?”
The comic, a widower for many years, replied, “If your wife can cook and clean house, it’s a deal.”
Joke #12490
Why is that mailmen can’t help dropping packages marked: “Fragile — Handle With Care”?
Your Blind Date is a Dud If…
If you’re a fellow who goes out on a lot of blind dates, you’ve got to beware of real duds. Your blind date is a dud if:
– She’s the kind of girl who uses too much perfume and not enough deodorant.
– She yells downstairs that she’ll be ready as soon as she finds her wig and false teeth.
– She sticks her bublegum behind her ear to kiss you hello.
– You have to stand on a chair to kiss her hello.
–
If you’re a girl who goes out on blind dates, you’ve got to beware of losers. Girls, your blind date is a loser if:
– He has more hair on his face than he does on his head.
– He picks the lock of your front door instead of knocking.
– He shows up driving a hearse.
– He asks you if you’d like something to drink and takes you to the water fountain in the park.
– He takes you to a fancy restaurant wearing a tee shirt with another girl’s picture printed on it.
– When he meets your parents, he picks a fight with them.
Joke #12488
“You’re very beautiful,” the boss said to the new secretary. “I’ll bet a lot of men ask you for dates.”
The girl smiled sweetly and replied, “Yes, but I don’t go out with anyone I find unattractive. I let them down nicely by telling them I’m married.”
The boss nodded. “That makes sense. Say, are you busy Saturday night?”
“Yes,” she answered, “I’m getting married.”
Joke #12487
TEDDY: “Will you marry me, my darling?”
TINA: “I’m not sure. You’ve been married five times and I’ve heard some nasty stories about you.”
TEDDY: “Don’t believe any of them. Those stores are nothing, but old wives’ tales.”