My last girlfriend was so skinny, she could use a billiard cue case as a sleeping bag.
All posts by davepoobond
Joke #12886
If people always laugh at you when you’re a kid, it means one of two things. Either you’re going to grow up to be a comedian or you’re very funny-looking.
Joke #12885
Did you hear the one about the dumb politician who declined to run for Congress because he wasn’t into jogging?
Joke #12884
When it comes to people’s looks, beauty is only skin deep, but ugliness goes all the way to the bone.
Joke #12883
A gal looked her blind date up and down and said, “I’d like you better if you were tall, dark and handsome.”
The blind date looked her up and down and replied, “If I were tall, dark and handsome, I wouldn’t be out with you!”
Joke #12882
MILLIONAIRE: “Son, to make it in business you’ve got to live by two principles, honesty and wisdom.”
SON: “What do you mean by that, Dad?”
MILLIONAIRE: “Be honest in business. If you promise to do something, keep your word even if you have to go bankrupt to do it.”
SON: “And what about wisdom?”
MILLIONAIRE: “That’s simple to explain, son. Never make any promises.”
Joke #12881
EXPLAIN THIS: A man who takes money out of a man’s pocket without permission is a pickpocket. A woman who takes money out of a man’s pockets without permission is a wife.
Joke #12880
The minister looked at his congregation and said, “Brothers and sisters, today my sermon will be about liars. I refer to Matthew, chapter thirty, verse five. How many of you are familiar with it?”
As the minister looked around, half of the people before him raised their hands. “You are the people I want to address my sermon to,” announced the minister. “There is no Matthew, chapter thirty, verse five.”
Joke #12879
Gossip columnists are the kind of people you can’t believe even when they swear they’re lying.
Joke #12878
Did you hear about the judge who got so tipsy at a Halloween party, he couldn’t pick the good guise from the bad guise?
Joke #12877
Two old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years met one day.
The first man asked, “How’s everything, Jimmy?”
His friend answered. “Not so hot. My wife ran off with a vacuum salesman. My son was arrested for stealing cars, and my daughter is in the hospital with two broken legs. Besides that, I’m turning gray, my teeth have to be yanked out tomorrow, and my dog died yesterday.”
His friend shook his head and said, “Golly! That’s very sad. By the way, what business are you in, Jimmy?”
“I sell good luck charms!”
Joke #12876
“Would you wear alligator shoes?”
“Nope. I never wear used clothing.”
Joke #12875
CLERK: “What kinds of nuts would you like, sir?”
CUSTOMER: “Cashew.”
CLERK: “Bless you. Now what kind of nuts would you like?”
Joke #12874
You have to watch out for lawyers who can’t pass the bar… without stopping in for a martini.
Joke #12873
I can tell you how Mr. Webster began his dictionary. One night Noah got into an argument with his wife and one word led to another.