Just a few weeks after taking a job as a security guard, my husband announced that he had been fired. He explained that he’d fallen asleep at this desk and someone broke into the building.
“But you’re such a light sleeper,” I said. “I’m surprised the sound of the guy breaking in didn’t wake you up.”
“I didn’t get fired for falling asleep,” he confessed, “I was fired for wearing my earplugs.”
Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. “Honey,” my Dad finally said one day, “why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget.'”
“It is,” she said. “I just don’t want you to forget that I’ve forgiven and forgotten.”
At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and the blessing, after which the congregation responded, “And also with you.”
One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion of the song, the priest said, “There seems to be something wrong with the mic.”
The congregation automatically responded, “And also with you.”
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
“And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?”
“Yes,” she answered. “Come to think of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.”
“And, when was that?”
“When he asked for the second cup.”
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD
Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD.
About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.
A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself.
A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, “Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?”
I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model’s promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, “What does ‘hybrid pulse D/A converter’ mean?”
He said, “That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal.”
“In other words,” I said, “this CD player plays CDs.”
“Exactly.”
A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer.
If you’re drunk, it advises you not to drive.
If you’re really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”
The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”
The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.
“My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, “Permission granted.”
Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn’t pregnant, so when the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission, my friend responded, “My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her.”
Q: What’s the difference between a King’s son, a monkey’s mother, a bald head, and an orphan?
A: One’s an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hour, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you’re drunk than to think you’re stupid.
After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.
It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, “I’ve got the head now; just a few more minutes.”
“Is it a girl or boy?” I asked excitedly.
The doctor replied, “I don’t know. It’s hard to tell by the ears.”
My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.
“The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don’t want to put up with it,” she explained.
Taking her mother’s hand in hers, my friend’s daughter said sweetly, “I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you’re not exactly carry-on yourself.”
A foursome teed off on the long par-3. The green on this hole lay behind a large bunker, so any shot that made the green would disappear over the top ridge of bunker and you couldn’t tell where your ball landed until you arrived on the green.
After the last player hit his shot, the first golfer to hit charged off down the fairway, without waiting for the others. He disappeared over the bunker and seconds later came running back down the fairway yelling and screaming, “I got a hole-in-one! I don’t believe it!”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” said the others. “You run ahead of us down the fairway and disappear behind that bunker, and now, all of a sudden, you claim you have a hole-in-one. How stupid do you think we three are?”
“No, no. It’s true. I swear it,” he said crossing his heart. “Go look. I left it in the hole to prove it.”