A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his carpool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: “I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.”
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: “Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot.”
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me.”
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.
So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, “And now for one hell of a putt…”
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of “Show and Tell” that day had been parents’ occupations.
The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.”
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels.”
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we’d like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, “Yes, what do you have?”
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and replied, “I have pickle juice or water.”
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
“I can’t get this thing to cooperate,” she explained when she saw us.
Pam suggested, “Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?”
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.
“Not really,” Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, “I only bought a little pot.”
Anxious to ‘include’ as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.
This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.
Q: Why can’t you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?
A: Because of the Peking Duck.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?
A: A cocka-poodle-doo!
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a driver’s manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver’s permit.
“Oh,” she said, “I already know everything in the book.”
“You do?” I returned.
“Yep”, she said, very smugly.
I thought, “OK, we’ll just see about that. I’ll give her a hard one.”
So I asked her, “How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?”
“One,” she replied.
“What?” I asked. “One?!”
She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added. . .
“Only one, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one.”
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and the youngster was taking it all in with a serious expression.
Dad,” the boy said finally, “if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father said expectantly.
“What bus should I take home?”
It was a small town and the Catholic Priest, the Protestant Minister and the Jewish Rabbi were very good friends. Of course, there was a lot of kidding and joking between them all year long.
To their surprise one year, the Priest and the Minister received a Christmas card from the Rabbi. It read:
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
When the Messiah really comes,
You’ll wish you were Jewish.
Business must follow numerous rules and regulations laid down by government agencies. So maybe we shouldn’t have been surprised by the memo from the county Department of Health Services.
“The month of August has been designated as Breast-Feeding Awareness Month,” it read. “It is a good time for employers to review their policies relative to breast-feeding employees.”
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: “Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: “Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”