The Curse of the Halloween Pencil – n. all Halloween pencils have a curse. If someone breaks a Halloween pencil in half, they instantly become a wussy pansie for the rest of their life. Be careful out there, if you break a Halloween pencil, you’ll never get laid again! (by a girl, if you’re a guy, or a guy if you’re a girl, unless money is involved).
All posts by davepoobond
Friday the 13th
Friday the 13th – n. the ultimate day of bad luck. Be careful this day, you may fall off buildings and other things you thought you would never fall off. There is also a high probability of getting all the curses in the world that have ever existed, simultaneously.
Making Some Headway on that Backlog I’ve Got
So I’m making some headway into the huge amount of backlog I have to put up on Squackle.
My progress the past couple months has been to separate each quote into its own post, type up the thousand or so jokes that were in joke books and in a word document file I’ve had since 2008, and posted some pictures from a used-to-be-fun-but-not-anymore-cause-no-one-uses-it-anymore Facebook app.
I’m probably still gonna be posting more jokes up.
Just to state what I “have” to put up, I’ve got:
The “Stuff to put on Squackle” folder on my desktop, about 3 gigs of unprocessed crap.
A drawer just for stuff I make day-to-day
At home, there’s a couple shoeboxes of pictures and a few folders of comics and shit I drew in high school.
and 5 or so years’ worth of submissions to sift through that’s sitting in my e-mail account.
And that about covers it.
Joke #18752
Q: What’s the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time.” A Southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”
Joke #18751
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
Joke #18750
Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Joke #18749
Q: What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Joke #18748
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Joke #18747
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Joke #18746
On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough.
Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?”
“I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.”
Joke #18745
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.
“You know,” said Melba, “today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don’t use the word ‘obey’ anymore.”
“Too bad, isn’t it?” retorted Ken. “It used to lend a little humor to the occasion.”
Joke #18744
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
“Next question,” announced the instructor. “How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?”
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, “How do you spell ‘intellectual?'”
Joke #18743
On a visit to my wife’s native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London’s Gatwick Airport.
Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners’ line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit.
“Pleasure,” I replied. “I’m on my honeymoon.”
The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. “That’s very interesting, sir,” he said as he stamped my passport. “Most men bring their wives with them.”
The Hokey Pokey – Shakespearean Style
Parody of The Hokey Pokey
–
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven’s yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, ’tis what it’s all about.
Joke #18741
My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60’s music.
They recently got front-row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.
When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert.
My daughter says, “Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!”