Super Secure Trash Cans

Announcer Guy: hello, I am the announcer guy that seems to be the voice of every commercial and movie trailer that has an announcer in it, and I don’t get any flippin’ credit! How do people know how to hire me? I’m not exactly rich, because I’m not put into the credits or anything. But somehow, this Trash Can Company called the Super Trash Can Company hired me for 15 and a half bucks to tell you about their new product, the Super Secure Trash Cans.

(Announcer Guy walks net to a trash can)

Announcer Guy: are you pissed off at assholes trying to steal your garbage so it doesn’t go to the dump, and they’d actually probably get some use out of your trash? Now, if you buy these new trash cans, keys come with them, so you can lock and unlock your trash cans! Ain’t that great? There’s also a way to get thieves that really mean business-wanting to cut open the trash can with an axe or by any means necessary including, but not limited to

(scrolls really fast)

  • Drowing the trash can
  • Cutting it open with an axe
  • Ramming it with a bulldozer
  • Fast-talking politician-type speech

Announcer Guy: If you get the Deluxe version, the trash can defends itself. Observe.

(Announcer Guy walks nearer to the trash can)

Trash Can: STEP AWAY FROM THE TRASH CAN-OR ELSE!

Announcer Guy: most people would have crapped their panties already, but if they realllllllllly want your trash can that badly, and take one step closer…

(Announcer Guy takes one step closer)

Trash Can: you asked for it, asshole

(Trash Can sprouts legs and arms, and the Trash Can reaches inside and takes out a shotgun, blowing Announcer Guy away, and stomping on him over and over)

(The Trash Can runs around blowing away the camera guys and staff)

(The screen cuts to the Technical Difficulties sign with Dacky on it, playing classical music)

(fade out)

(end)

 

Bozo the Clown Deodorants

Bozo the Clown: Hello, I died. Pay your respects to the original one and only Bozo the Clown (me) by buying my new line of deodorants.

 

(Bozo the Clown shows the bar of deodorant)

 

Bozo the Clown: It comes in many flavors. In addition to making you smell great…

 

(Bozo the Clown licks the deodorant)

 

Bozo the Clown: It tastes great!

 

(Bozo the Clown gives a thumbs up)

(end)

 

Insta-Pantie Party Spray

(Insta-Pantie Party Man is dancing with a bunch of girls. He stops, but the girls keep dancing. All the girls are down to their underwear, as well as Insta-Pantie Party Man. It looks like he has at least 20 pairs of women’s panties on)

(Insta-Pantie Party Man snaps his fingers, and all the girls disappear)

 

Insta-Pantie Party Man: Hello, would you like this to be your everyday life? If so, listen on!

 

(Insta-Pantie Party Man walks to a different part of his house)

 

Insta-Pantie Party Man: Hi. I’m Insta-Pantie Party Man, and I’m going to tell you about a new discovery in the very interesting field of Pantie Pary Research.

 

(Insta-Pantie Party Man takes out a bottle from his panties and displays it, pointing at it with his free hand)

 

Insta-Pantie Party Man: Introducing the all new Insta-Pantie Party Spray! Just spray…

 

(Insta-Pantie Party Man sprays a little and hot girl appears out of nowhere in her panties, dancing)

 

Insta-Pantie Party Man: -and you instantly have a Pantie Party! Just keep spraying, and you get more! We have several types of Insta-Pantie Party Sprays available. We’ll have them scroll the screen really fast, so get your pens ready!

 

(scrolling really fast)

12 year old and under Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Teenager Insta-Pantie Party Spray

20 – 30 years old Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Mid Life Crisis Insta-Pantie Party Spray

“Middle Aged” Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Senior Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Friggin Old Insta-Pantie Party Spray

“I just can’t get it up, but maybe this will work” Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Dogs Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Giraffes Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Hippos Insta-Pantie Party Spray

and all new Clown Insta-Pantie Party Spray, and Pirate Insta-Pantie Party Spray

 

Insta-Pantie Party Man: all these come in male, female, hemaphrodite, transexual, bisexual male, bisexual female, trisexual, and trisexual with goozaks. You can find them at any Pool and Spa stores

 

(end)

 

Tyson and Friends Episode 2

Announcer: What happens when you put a bunch of boxers into a house to live with each other? You get…TYSON AND FRIENDS!!!

 

(Evander, Tyson, and Oscar are huddled around a flashlight and a phone in Tyson’s room)

 

Evander: we’re going to have to be quiet, so we don’t wake up the Hurricane

 

Tyson: oh, don’t worry about it….Betsy will keep him busy ALL night

 

Oscar: ugh…I hate that Betsy

 

Tyson: ok…so….who are we going to call? Its 2:00 in the morning, so, anybody we call will be instantly pissed off. Luckily, we might call a truck drivers house and wake up the truck driver, cuz he has to go at 5:00 in the morning and got home at 12:00 in the morning….so……..yeah…..

 

Oscar (punching in numbers): rinnnnnggggggg riiiiiingggggggg

 

(Evander raises an eyebrow and takes the phone away from Oscar)

 

Oscar: HEY! I usin that phone!

 

Evander: you had your turn…….my turn…..i’m gonna call a psychic hotline……that Cleo fag that keeps taking up all that time on the TV guide channel and shit channels like that

 

Oscar (scratching his head): well, ok, but I get to talk too

 

Evander (putting the phone on speaker phone): fine, we’ll all be able to talk

 

(Evander calls the psychic hotline with Cleo)

 

Cleo: hello, baby! You’ve reached Cleo!

 

Evander: FAG!

 

Cleo: well, that’s nice, tell me your name and birth date, and I’ll tell you your fortune!

 

Oscar: FAG!

 

Cleo: oh! So you name is FAG!, eh?

 

Tyson: FAG!

 

Cleo: and you birth date is FAG!, also…well, let me see here…

 

(a few seconds pass)

 

Cleo: well, it says here for you that you will go to bed…have a nice day, good bye, and thank you for your money!

 

(Cleo hangs up)

 

Tyson: that was extremely gay

 

Evander: eh….ok…..yeah, it was..

 

(Oscar farts)

 

Tyson: ……

 

Evander: right…lets call another number

 

(Tyson bangs his head on the dial pad)

 

Evander: its ringing!

 

Oscar: yeehaw!

 

Phone: hello, you’ve reached Closet World, can I help you?

 

Evander: OH SHIT!

 

Phone: what? What is it?

 

Evander: I need a closet!!!! Send one right nowwwww!

 

Phone: how big?

 

Evander: well, 111 feet by 10 centimeters

 

Phone: umm…ho-

 

(Evander hangs up)

(Tyson and Oscar start laughing, and the phone rings)

 

Tyson: oh crap! Don’t pick up!

 

(the phone rings and the answering machine picks up)

 

answering machine: hello….may I speak to the head of the house? Hello? Hello? Hell-

 

(the answering machine cuts the guy off)

 

Tyson: haha

 

Evander (growling): this is getting really boring…

 

(Tyson, Evander and Oscar all fart a really stinky fart and pass out)

(end)

 

Gas Station Shades

Manny With No Fanny – Hello! I’m Manny With No Fanny, and I work at every gas station you can imagine, because *I’m* the guy that owns them all

(Manny starts pacing)

Manny: *I* have a great cheap product in all my gas stations now! You can buy them for a buck a piece! They’re sunglasses and they come in various shapes and sizes! Best of all, they’re at all my gas stations! Buy them now or die!

(end)

 

The Poyfect Storm

(there are 2 ships coming in from fishing all month)

(Sosie, the girl captain on the other boat picks up her CB Radio transmitter thingy and talks into it)

 

Sosie: wheee!! how u doin George?

 

(George, the other guy on the the other ship that is the captain of it picks up the CB radio transmitter thingy in his ship)

 

George: fart!

 

Sosie: oh, dont be mad, just cause i got about……..50 times more fish than you!

 

George: nyak! we only got a few sardines. we had more bait than what we caught!

 

Sosie: well, thats not my fault…

 

George: ACTUALLY, IT IS! YOU KEPT HONKING THAT STUPID FOG HORN WHILE WE WERE FISHING AND BUMPED INTO OUR BOAT!

 

Sosie: well…..poop!

 

(George and Sosie’s boats come into the harbor)

 

(later, at the office of the Fish Master…)

 

Fish Master (jaw dropping): only a few sardines George? man…..you just S-U-C-K

 

George: yeah, i know…..but this time, i’m going back out and getting some fish! lots o’ fish!

 

Fish Master: grr……you better! or i’ll be using you as bait!

 

(later at the bar…)

 

Dick: hey, Honey, lets go have sex upstairs and come back later!

 

Honey: alright!

 

(they go upstairs)

(next day…downstairs)

 

Dick: hey, george whats happening?

 

George: do you, fat head, toughy and jumpy wanna go on a fishing trip of our lives?

 

Dick: HELL YEAH! Lets go!

 

Honey: dont go!

 

Dick: forget you!

 

Honey: blah blah blah

 

Dick: yadda yadda yadda! i’m going, u cant make me not go

 

Honey: fine, go kill urself

 

(in a lab somewhere in the middle of Arizona)

 

scientist guy: whoa! look at that storm thingy off the coast of Massachusetts!

 

assisstant: oh, wow, thats neat….

 

scientest guy: you could be a meteorologist your whole life and never see anything like this…

 

assisstant: but…you already saw it….

 

scientist guy: …….oh yeah…..this should be called……….The “Poyfect” Storm!

 

(poyfect storm echoes)

(meanwhile, on the boat)

 

George: ooh! we have a quarter of a million dollars worth of fish! oh, look a storm! lets go into the middle of the 3 storms i see there and risk our lives to get the fish home in time!

 

fat head: uhh……

 

George: LETS GO!

 

(later)

 

jumpy: ack! water!

 

toughy: bah! this is noth- ::dies::

 

fat head: barrellss!!!!!

 

Dick: pirates!!

 

George: ICE CREAM!

 

jumpy: chocolate syrup!

 

(jumpy squirts some chocolate syrup on everyones ice cream)

(jumpy jumps over the side)

 

jumpy: gotta save the dead fish!

 

fat head: the fish are below deck!

 

jumpy: ……uh oh…..::dies::

 

George: Oh well! I’m the main star! i cant get killed!

 

terroist: hahahah! i rigged the ship and it is set to blow! you’re all gonna die!

 

fat head: oh no!!!! save the fish!

 

(fat head tosses some fish over the side)

 

Dick: nooooo! what are you doing?!?

 

fat head: ….saving the fish….::tosses another one over:: goooo! save yourself!!

 

(a shark pops up and eats the fish)

 

fat head: gulp! there are sharks here!

 

(Dick pushes fat head over the side and fat head gets eaten)

(a pirate appears at the top of the mast on the ship)

 

pirate: water, ho!

 

George: WATER!?! more water?!?

 

(George runs around in circles flailing his arms everywhere)

 

terrorist: ACK! i’m allergic to water!

 

(a tidal wave comes and makes the terrorist fly in the air and plop into the water, screaming, and dies)

(Dick stands on his head)

 

Pirate: nooo!! ::jabs himself with his sword and falls over into the water::

 

George: hmm……

 

(George looks around and shrugs)

 

George: poof!

 

(end)

 

 


 

CREDITS:

 

all the guys that died were extras and we dont care about him

 

george: george clooney

 

Dick: norm mcdonald

 

fat head: roseanne

 

jumpy: Mr. Kangaroo Trainer at the LA Zoo

 

toughy: Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

Tyson and Friends Episode 1

Announcer: What happens when you put a bunch of boxers into a house to live with each other? You get…TYSON AND FRIENDS!!!

 

(Tyson, Oscar, and Evander are sitting on a couch watching TV)

(Tyson is flipping through the channels with the remote)

 

Oscar: Man, they ain’t no good thing on!

 

Evander: no, its they ain’t nothing good on!

 

Oscar (yelling in Evander’s face): I say how I want!

 

Evander (yelling in Oscar’s face): No! It’s, I say how I want to!

 

Oscar: I NO CARE!

 

Evander: SHUT UP AND GET OUTTA MY FACE!

 

(Evander shoves Oscar out of his face)

 

Ruben “Hurricane” Carter (yelling from the back): Would you shut the hell up before I beat you down wit my cane?!?

 

Oscar (standing up and yelling toward the back): You cannot beat me wit silly cane, old man!

 

Tyson: Sit yo’ ass down!

 

(Tyson tugs on Oscars shirt till he sits down)

(there’s a knock at the door)

 

Tyson (yelling at the door): Who is it?

 

Oscar: YA! WHO IT BE?

 

Betsy: It’s Betsy!

 

Tyson: GO AWAY BETSY!

 

Oscar: Yes! Go away, we no want sugar today!

 

Evander: …and I dont wanna see your tight tiger skin pants on your flabby legs!

 

Betsy: Oh, comonnn….I have meat clips on today!

 

(all of them make weird faces)

 

Tyson, Oscar and Evander: EWWW!!

 

Tyson (whispering to Oscar and Evander): I know a way to get rid of her!

 

(Tyson takes out an old Arabian lamp from the couch)

 

Tyson (holding the lamp high up to the light): SEE???

 

Oscar: What it do?

 

Tyson (dissapointed): You are supposed to squint because the lamp is so shiny!

 

Evander: Its not shiny…its dirty!

 

(Tyson punches Evander on the arm)

 

Tyson: NO…it ain’t

 

Ruben “Hurricane” Carter: I want some milk!

 

(Oscar stands up and yells toward Ruben’s room)

 

Oscar: I no want give milk!

 

(Tyson rubs the lamp and a thing comes out of it)

 

Evander (looking up at the cloud of smoke taking a shape): Is that…Mohammed Ali???

 

Mohammed Ali: What do you want master?

 

Tyson: I want you to get rid of Betsy…

 

(Betsy knocks on the door again)

 

Tyson: …and give old Ruben some milk.

 

Oscar: I solve problem!

 

(Oscar opens the door and lets Betsy in)

 

Betsy: I knew you’d come around!

 

Oscar: I no want milk! Give Ruben milk!

 

(Betsy runs to Ruben’s door and opens and closes it)

 

Ruben: HUH??? Betsy! How did you get in here??

 

(kissing sounds come from Ruben’s bedroom)

 

Ruben: NOO!!! HELP ME!!! HELP ME! I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS!

 

Tyson (looking at the bedroom door): well…I guess that’s ok…

 

(Tyson looks up at Mohammed)

 

Tyson: You can go into the lamp now…

 

Mohammed: …ok…

 

(Mohammed disappears into the lamp)

(Tyson picks up the remote control and starts flipping through the channels again)

 

Tyson: Well, there’s nothing on…

 

Evander: Yeah, I guess so…

 

Oscar: Let make prank phone call!

 

Tyson: Hey, that’s a good idea!

 

Oscar (tapping his head with one finger): I know I be smart

 

(Evander yawns)

 

Evander: Its a little late…let’s do it tomorrow…

 

Tyson: Yeah, I guess it is pretty late…

 

(everybody goes to their bedrooms and go to sleep)

(end)

 

Pussy the Wussy Episode 1

Computer: Hey Everybody It’s time for Pussy the Wussy

Pussyteers: Pussy the Wussy wusses out here, Pussy the Wussy wusses out there, Pussy the Wussy wusses out EVERYWHERE!!!!

Pussy the Wussy: Thank you pussyteers you do a purrrrrfectly fine job singing the Pussy the Wussy song. Give a round of applause!!!

Crowd: Those guys SUCK!!

Pussyteer leader: Well gee, you guys are just a big fat tub of lard that and that and Godzilla couldn’t move!!!!!

Crowd: SO!!!! We get free shows don. t we?? Anyway this show isn’t worth shit!! No wonder I. m the only one here!!! I. m REALLY hurt by that “diss.”

(Crowd rolls his eyes)

Pussy the Wussy: What is your name ma’am?

Crowd: That’s SIR to you!!!

Pussy the Wussy: Yes ma’am!! Get the people to write SIR for the name of this dear old lady.

SIR: I’m a man!!!!!

Pussy the Wussy: A. MAN? I thought it was SIR!?! Is it A. SIR MAN?

A. SIR MAN: NO you little piece of shit!!!

Pussy the Wussy: My name is not You Little Piece of Shit, it. s Pussy the Wussy!!

A. SIR MAN: Urrgh!!

Pussy the Wussy: Is that a part of your name A. SIR MAN?

A. SIR MAN: NO!!!

Pussy the Wussy: Are you sure?

A. SIR MAN: YES!!!

Pussy the Wussy: Well, which is it? Yes or no?

A. SIR MAN: I’M NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE!!!!

(A. SIR MAN tries to move but can’t)

A. SIR MAN: DAMMIT!!! …..well what is this show about anyway??

Pussy the Wussy: Um….I show tapes of places I wuss out. And I do some crazy stuff also, that are really funny!

A. SIR MAN (mumbling): I’m sure…

Pussy the Wussy: I’ll show you one right now!

(scene switches to a title)

Title: Pussy the Wussy Wusses Out

(Pussy the Wussy is walking along the sidewalk and a homeless person comes up to him)

Homeless Person: A penny for my thoughts?

Pussy the Wussy: You haven’t been homeless for that long, a homeless person is too hungry to be funny. And you scare me.

(Pussy the Wussy starts to back away and the Homeless Person still walks toward him)

Homeless Person: Please, I’m hungry and thirsty

Pussy the Wussy: NO, GET AWAY!!!! AARRRGHH!!!!

(Pussy the Wussy runs away)

(end of clip)

(scene switches to Pussy the Wussy sitting at his desk)

Pussy the Wussy: How did you like that?

A. SIR MAN: THAT WAS STUPID!!!!

Pussy the Wussy: Stoopid? Or Stupid?

A. SIR MAN: IT WAS DUMB AS SHIT!!!

Pussy the Wussy: I’m glad you liked it

A. SIR MAN: I DIDN’T!!!!

Pussy the Wussy: NEXT CLIP!!!

A. SIR MAN: PLEASE, NO!!!

(scene switches to title)

Title: Pussy the Wussy Wusses Out Again

(Pussy the Wussy is walking along a sidewalk in New York)

Pussy the Wussy: So, this is New York?

(a weird lady walks up to him and opens her coat so Pussy the Wussy can see her)

Weird Lady: Hey, wanna have a party?

Pussy the Wussy: AAHH!!! YOU SCARE ME!!!

Weird Lady: What is it? Are you a virgin? Are my boobs too big? What?

Pussy the Wussy: Get away from me!!! YOU SCARE ME!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!

(Pussy the Wussy runs away)

(end of clip)

(scene switches back to Pussy the Wussy sitting at his desk)

Pussy the Wussy: THAT was GOOD!!!

A. SIR MAN: THAT MADE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!!!! HOW COULD YOU SAY IT WAS GOOD?

Pussy the Wussy: Because…compared to this…its nothing!

(Pussy the Wussy points at the camera)

Pussy the Wussy: NEXT CLIP!

A. SIR MAN: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

(scene switches to title)

Title: Pussy the Wussy Tries to Take a Crap

(Pussy the Wussy is walking into a Carl’s Jr.)

(Pussy the Wussy tries the door on the bathroom, its locked)

Pussy the Wussy: Hmm…that’s odd, it won’t open.

(Pussy the Wussy looks at the handle)

Pussy the Wussy: Oh! That’s why! Somebody is in here! It says OCCUPIED.

(Pussy the Wussy goes over and buys a burger and fries and sits down at a table)

Pussy the Wussy: This stuff is pretty good…

(Pussy the Wussy finishes his food and goes over to the bathroom)

(its still locked)

Pussy the Wussy (looking at his watch): Hmm…this person has been going to the bathroom for about 20 minutes!

(the door opens and a woman comes out of the bathroom, she has toilet paper trailing on her foot)

Pussy the Wussy: Excuse me ma’am…this is a bathroom for men…

Lady: And that doesn’t include She-Males?

(Pussy the Wussy gets wide-eyed and starts to get nervous)

Pussy the Wussy: did you say…she…she-male?

She-Male: Yes, I am a she-male

Pussy the Wussy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU SCARE ME!!

(Pussy the Wussy runs away from the she-male)

(end of clip)

Pussy the Wussy (laughing): WASN’T THAT FUNNY?????

A. SIR MAN: …no

Pussy the Wussy: Why not?

A. SIR MAN: cause

Pussy the Wussy: cause what?

A. SIR MAN: BECAUSE, YOU’RE AN IDIOT! YOU RUN AWAY FROM ANYTHING! YOU RAN AWAY FROM A BLOW JOB!

Pussy the Wussy: A blow what??? Excuse me sir, that is NOT funny! You may not say things like that on this show!

A. SIR MAN: OH YEAH? SHIT, SHIT, FUCK MY ASS! BITCH!

Pussy the Wussy: I’m pretending I didn’t hear that!

A. SIR MAN: GOOD!

Pussy the Wussy: Ok, I have nothing else to show you guys for today.

(Pussy the Wussy gets up and leaves)

A. SIR MAN: no, don’t leave me! You can’t leave me here alone!

(end)

 

Yuck! Be Gone Sauce

(a group of 4 people are eating in a fancy restaurant)

Fred in Red: what the hell! These ribs are rotten!

Nurple in Purple: My cobb salad ranks!

Toad in a Boat: my frogs legs are slimy

Pillsbury Doughboy: these aren’t my toaster strudels!!

(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man falls out of nowhere, with huge work boots onto the table, making all the plates jump. He’s wearing jeans, a vest with nothing under, so you can see his big burly hairy chest, a yellow construction guy hat, and a heavy-looking hammer)

Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: Don’t like your food? I’ve got a great *NEW* product for you to use

Fred in Red: what the — !

Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: That’s right! Its called Yuck!-Be-Gone Sauce!

Nurple in Purple: wow! What is it, and will it make you get into my pants…?

Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: well! I’m glad you asked what it is, but the truth is, I wouldn’t touch you with a hammer!

Nurple in Purple: awww…

Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: But I’ll BASH you in the head with one!!

(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man swings his hammer into Nurple in Purple’s temple, cracking his skull in half)

Fred in Red: …ew…

Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: well, anyway

(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man takes a bottle out of his pocket)

Yuck!-Be-Gone Man (pointing to it): That’s me on the bottle. What you do is, sprinkle a little of this on your food

(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man sprinkles some Yuck!-Be-Gone Sauce on their food)

(they taste their food)

Fred in Red: It still sucks! It doesn’t taste any better than before, except there is an extremely poisonous aftertaste in every bite!

(Toad in a Boat crocks, falls into his frogs legs, and dies)

Pillsbury Doughboy: I think my lips are rashy!

(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man gets FURIOUS)

Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: I forgot the 2nd step though!

(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man grabs Fred in Red’s tongue and slams it on the table, still holding onto it)

Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: I forgot to HAMMER it down!!

(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man slams his hammer on Fred’s tongue over and over and over. When Yuck!-Be-Gone Man lets go, Fred keels over and passes out, falling backwards in his chair)

Pillsbury Doughboy: mmmhmmm!

(Pillsbury Doughboy runs really fast, away from Yuck!-Be-Gone Man)

(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man appears out of nowhere, and kicks him into the air, slamming him with the hammer into the ground, and pounding the fluff outta him)

Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: I bet it tastes better now!

(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man looks at the camera)

Yuck!-Be-Gone Man: Whaddya want??

(Yuck!-Be-Gone Man runs at the camera swinging his hammer over his head)

(the scene cuts to the technical difficulties screen)

(end)

 

America’s Least Wanted Episode 1

Billy Washer: Today on America’s Least Wanted we hunt America’s least wanted as we do on every show. Today we sent Johnny Boy to arrest America’s 91st least wanted criminal, the Candy Man. We go on scene with Johnny Boy.

 

5:00 p.m.

 

Johnny Boy: Yeah this job is tough especially when you fuckin’ name at the fuckin’ station and out on fuckin’ patrol is Johnny Boy. Anyway the stupid mother foe we’re lookin’ for is named the Candy Man. Once he paid half price on a piece of taffy and we’d been hunting him down ever since. The store owner said something about a half off sale goin’ on, but we didn’t believe him. I’d like you to meet my buddy who is driving the car. His name is Boingy Boy. Hey, at least I’m not the one with the worst nickname.

 

Camera Guy (thinking): Gee, I wonder what the other Cops nicknames are?

 

Johnny Boy: Boy there’s a lot of stupid nicknames there like; Mooner Boy, Flashy Boy, Bungrolypoly, Bonkelt hippo p h Vandlevirels, sjflsdfklj, that kind of thing.

 

Camera Guy (thinking to himself): Oh Boy next he’s going to tell me that the name of the station is DUMP Police Force. Yeah right. That can’t happen.

 

Johnny Boy: The name of our station is DUMP Police Force.

 

Boingy Boy: Yeah everybody’s name is DUMP. Especially that Bonkelt hippo p h Vandlevirels guy.

 

Computer in the car: BEEEPP Beep Car No. 0 please go to Main and South, Candy Man has been spotted!

 

Johnny Boy: oh great….TURN LEFT TURN LEFT!!!

 

(Boingy Boy turns to the left)

 

Johnny Boy (pouting): and today I thought we’d get first dibs on donuts….

 

Boingy Boy (gritting his teeth): eerrgghh that just makes me MAD!!!

 

(Boingy Boy flips a switch)

(everybody gets launched back into their seats)

 

Johnny Boy: OH NOOO!!! HE PUT THE NITROS ON!!!

 

Camera Guy: AARRGGHHH!!!!

 

(suddenly the car slows down and they see a man walking along the side of the road)

 

Johnny Boy (hanging his head out the window): Excuse me, mister! Are you the Candy Man?

 

Person: Who?

 

Johnny Boy: Did you ever buy a piece of taffy at a store for half price?

 

Person: yeah, a while ago

 

(Johnny Boy and Boingy Boy get out of the car real fast with their guns upholstered pointing toward him)

 

Johnny Boy (pointing the gun at the person): DROP TO THE FLOOR!!!

 

Person: WHAT THE HELL?

 

(Boingy Boy gets out his night stick and clubs him on the head)

 

Boingy Boy: RESPECT MY AUTHORATAH!!!

 

(Johnny Boy looks at Boingy Boy)

 

Boingy Boy (shrugging): Hey, I got that from a TV show my son was watching…

 

(Johnny Boy rolls his eyes)

 

Person (holding his head): OW! That REALLY hurt!

 

(Johnny Boy tackles him and puts him down on the floor and cuffs him)

 

Person (from under Johnny Boy): WHAT THE FUCK??? GET OFF ME!!! I DIDN’T DO NUTTIN!!!

 

Johnny Boy: Yeah I’m SURE, CANDY MAN!!!

 

Computer (from inside car): Beep beep, Car No. 0, we have sighted another Candy Man, please proceed to 5th street when your done wrapping things up.

 

(Johnny Boy on top of the person’s back)

 

Johnny Boy (looking down at him): OH HO!! So you got a WHOLE army of you guys?

 

Person: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????

 

(Boingy Boy hits him on the head with the night stick again)

 

Boingy Boy (while hitting him): RESPECT MY AUTHROTAH!!

 

(the person goes out cold)

(Johnny Boy picks up the person and shoves him in the car)

(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy get in the car quickly and drive to 5th Street)

 

Boingy Boy: THERE HE IS!!!

 

(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy get out with their night sticks and start beating the guy up)

 

Boingy Boy, Johnny Boy: RESPECT OUR AUTHORATAH!!!

 

Guy: AAHHH!!!! HELP ME!!!

 

(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy keep whapping the guy with their sticks, cuff him and shove him in the car)

(an old lady goes over to them)

 

Old Lady (waving a finger in their faces): Don’t make me call the police!

 

(Johnny Boy and Boingy Boy look at each other)

 

Boingy Boy: Ma’am we ARE the police

 

Old Lady: Yeah right…

 

(Johnny Boy gets mad and starts whapping the old lady)

 

Johnny Boy: HEY! Fake Teeth the Old Lady, I bet YOU are the Candy Man, cause you have FAKE teeth.

 

(Boingy Boy starts whapping the old lady too)

 

Johnny Boy (while whapping the lady): BAD OLD LADY! BAD!

 

Boingy Boy: RESPECT MY AUTHORATAH!!!

 

(Johnny Boy cuffs the old lady and shoves her in the backseat)

 

Johnny Boy (wiping his hands together): Well, that about covers it, lets go back to the station.

 

2:35 a.m.

 

Johnny Boy: Well, because of our goof up on our last little adventure, we have to work overtime until we bust someone that has committed a crime, with no pay….

 

Boingy Boy: DAMMIT!! THIS SUCKS SO MUCH!!!

 

Johnny Boy: Its ok, we won’t be out too long, I know some old geezer that has been doing some stuff that’s really bad

 

Boingy Boy: What’d he do?

 

Johnny Boy: He’s teaching people how to strip, on TV

 

Boingy Boy: What a sicko!

 

Johnny Boy: Yep, that’s his house right there!

 

(the car swerves right into Mr. Rogers’ garage)

(scene goes to Mr. Rogers inside his house)

(we see Mr. Rogers come in through his door)

 

Mr. Rogers: Hello, my neighbors. It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood, a wonderful day.

 

(just then the two cops bust through the door)

 

Boingy Boy: Mr. Rogers, you’re under arrest!

 

Mr. Rogers: What’s da charge?

 

Johnny Boy: Teaching people to strip….on TV!

 

Mr. Rogers: I ain’t goin coppas!

 

(Mr. Rogers breaks for the door but the cops hold him back and punch him to the floor, start beating him up, stand up, take out their guns and shoot him)

 

Johnny Boy (putting his gun away): Well, that’s about it for today…

 

Boingy Boy: Yay…now I can go home

 

(Boingy Boy yawns and scene fades)

 

(end)

 

DBC News Broadcast 5

Now top stories with David…

Sports with Davis…

Weather with Daveed…

a few words with Fiddlesticks…

the Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown…

And other miscellaneous characters

 

David: The top stories today are 1. DBC is…

 

Fiddlesticks: Boring!!!

 

Davis: Shut up you perv!

 

Fiddlesticks: Are you callin’ my wife?

 

Davis: Umm……

 

Fiddlesticks: Are you having an affair with my wife?

 

Davis: I don’t have an affair with pervs!

 

Fiddlesticks: Oh, so now your bringing my wife’s friends into this now?!!

 

Daveed: His wife is probably one of the blow up girls.

 

Fiddlesticks: Well, fuck you

 

Daveed: Hey…

 

David: Shut up Weather Boy!! Can I go on with my top stories now??

 

Daveed: Right after I diss Fiddlesticks.

 

David: I said SHUT UP!!

 

Daveed: Shut does not go up

 

David: Yeah sure whatever. As I was saying, DBC is having a whole new line of characters we told you about last show are appearing THIS show!!!

 

Fiddlesticks: (yawn) Oh…wow.

 

Davis: They better not be better than me!!!

 

Daveed: Scum is better than you!!!

 

Davis: Why I oughtta…

 

Binky: Guess who gets to interview them today?!!

 

Daveed: Gee, you’re not in a little hole called the Special Guest Corner for nothin’!!

 

Producer: Speaking of which we have to go there now because we have a lot of people to interview.

 

Davis: What?!? And take the cameras away from me? I’ll sue!!!

 

Binky: First up we have…

 

David: This just in!!! All the characters we mentioned on our last show were on there way here in our Special DBC Bus of Joy and Luck…

 

Davis: I hate that name!! It should’ve been called The Special DBC Bus of umm… uhhh

 

Daveed: Shut up!!!

 

David: ………………Right. Anyway it blew up and everybody in the bus was fried like a burned french fry on a hot day in July. There are no survivors. If there were any survivors they’d have 1…2…3… 500 degree burns!!!

 

Binky: So who the heck am I supposed to interview??

 

Producer: Well umm… Some guys called and said that they wanted to be on the show and I said maybe and I guess they could be on the show…

 

Binky: OK bring’em in

 

Producer: I already called them and they’re here

 

Binky: First we have…(whispering to the Producer) get me a list of the names Mr. Producer

 

(Producer gives him a list)

 

Binky: First we have… Davy!!

 

(Davy comes in and sits on a chair)

 

Binky: Hello, Davy.

 

Davy: Hi

 

Binky: Well I see here that you are a –

 

Davy: Sex offender

 

Binky: Yes you are

 

Davy: I know that

 

Binky: Well I don’t think we’re going to be using you a lot

 

Davy: Oh trust me… you will

 

(Davy gets up and leaves)

 

Binky: OK, next we have Dave

 

(Dave comes in and sits on a chair)

 

Binky: Hello Dave

 

Dave: Hello Binky

 

Binky: Your an undercover reporter huh?

 

Dave: Yeah

 

Binky: Is there anything you want to say?

 

Dave: Yeah

 

Binky: Well?

 

Dave: Your an idiot

 

Binky: Right, next

 

Dave: Didn’t you hear me?

 

Binky: Yeah, sure, whatever, NEXT

 

Dave: Man, you suck

 

(Dave gets up and leaves)

 

Binky: Next we have, Davaroo

 

(Davaroo comes in and sits on a chair)

 

Davaroo: Hi Binky!!!

 

Binky: What exactly is a bioman?

 

Davaroo: Me

 

Binky: I know that but what is it

 

Davaroo: Who?

 

Binky: That!!

 

Davaroo: What?

 

Binky: A bioman!!!

 

Davaroo: Me

 

Binky: Urrrrrggghhh

 

Davaroo: I guess I better go

 

(Davaroo gets up and runs out the door)

 

Binky: Next we have Daveacaso

 

(Daveacaso comes in and sits on a chair)

 

Daveacaso: Yo, Binky what’s happinin’?

 

Binky: Right, what do you do for a living?

 

Daveacaso: I’m an art guy

 

Binky: Next!!

 

Daveacaso: Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute!!!!

 

Binky: What?

 

Daveacaso: You can’t do that!!

 

Binky: What?

 

Daveacaso: As soon as I sit down you, well, umm… you kick me out!!!

 

Binky: So…what you are trying to tell me is you want to get interviewed the right way?

 

Daveacaso: Yeah I guess so.

 

Binky: …NEXT

 

Daveacaso: Wait a gosh darn second!!

 

Binky: Man you’re already stretching your time to the next person’s interview time

 

Daveacaso: Fine man, jeez I don’t care…

 

(Daveacaso gets up and leaves)

 

Binky: Next we have Davinky

 

(Davinky comes in and sits on a chair)

 

Binky: Ok you are a war guy right?

 

Davinky: Ya

 

Binky: Give us a little bit of what you have

 

Davinky: Umm… OK I got it. Yesterday in the war Thunder Lightning with Iraq, Oh before I go on you should know this is fake but interesting, Action Hank busted through Sudam Husaine’s palace with Action Hank’s Action Tank and made the palace go in ruins. That’s about it… can I go now

 

Binky (with face in hands shaking head from left to right): Yeah sure…

 

Davinky: COOL!!

 

(Davinky gets up and leaves)

 

Binky: OK, next we have Davewooligan

 

(Davewooligan comes in and sits on a chair, Davewooligan always talks in a passionate voice)

 

Davewooligan: Hi, Binky

 

Binky: You’re a gay movie critic aren’t you?

 

Davewooligan: Yeah, you wanna go watch some movies with me…in bed

 

Binky: HELL NO, NEXT

 

Davewooligan: C’mon Binky, It’ll be fun. We can watch Barbara Streisand and the guy from Baywatch stripping.

 

Binky: NO WAY MAN, GET OUT OF HERE

 

Davewooligan: Oh poo, do I have to leave?

 

Binky: YES, YOU DO!!!

 

Davewooligan: Fine I’ll go…call me sometime…sweetcakes

 

Binky (muttering): I wouldn’t do it if my life depended on it

 

(Davewooligan gets up and as he goes he blows a kiss to Binky… Binky throws up)

 

Binky: Uhhhggg…next we have Davehooligan. Oh, great another gay guy.

 

(Davehooligan comes in and sits down)

 

Davehooligan: Damn…did you see that??

 

Binky: What?

 

Davehooligan: The buns on that chick that just went past me.

 

Binky: That wasn’t a girl.

 

Davehooligan: I know…………… anyway girls are really ugly.

Except for the ones that get sex changes.

 

Davis: HEY, hold up!!!! I think you and Fiddlesticks would make a great couple.

 

Davehooligan: Who is this, Fiddlesticks??

 

Fiddlesticks: ME!!! And if you even get close to me I’ll break your puny little legs!!!!

 

Davehooligan: I’d like that.

 

Fiddlesticks (shouting to producer): ……Do I have to work here????

 

(Fiddlesticks goes offstage with the producer)

 

Binky: Is there anything you’d like to say

 

Davehooligan: Do you know his number???

 

Davis: Yeah it’s 555-93824352191545794

 

Davehooligan: Cool

 

Binky: Uhhh…can you leave now??

 

Davehooligan: Sure, maybe I can catch up with that chick…

 

(Davehooligan gets up and runs out trying to catch up with Davewooligan)

 

Binky: Ok…now we have Davidian

 

(Davidian comes in and sits down)

(Davidian has an Indian accent)

 

Davidian: Hallo Binky

 

Binky: What??

 

Davidian: Hallo Hallo I said Hallo

 

Binky: What’s Hallo?

 

(Davidian loses his Indian accent)

 

Davidian: HELLO YOU STUPID IDIOT, HELLO

 

(Davidian goes back to his Indian accent)

 

Binky: Ok, so what do you do?

 

Davidian: I’m a world traveler and I live in Africa and personally support gay, ugly, zebras and rhinos

 

(the door to the office flies open)

 

Fiddlesticks (offstage): NO I DON’T WANT A GOD DAMNED GAY IDIOT ON MY BACK THE REST OF THE TIME I WORK HERE!!!!!

 

Producer: SHUT UP YOU STUPID IDIOT YOU ARE THE STUPIDIST IDIOT IN THE WORLD YOU IDIOT!!!!!

 

Natalya (director): SHUT UP AND CLOSE THE DOOR!!!!

 

(the producer closes the door)

 

Davidian: Ummm……I’m scared…

 

Binky: Then go away

 

(Davidian gets up teary eyed)

 

Davidian: mmm, mmmm, WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH MOMMMYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

(Davidian runs away)

 

Binky: Next we have Disco Dave…

 

(All of a sudden a disco ball comes out of the roof and disco lights come on and HOT STUFF starts to play)

 

Music: Lookin’ for some HOT STUFF……….

 

(the music goes on and on)

(Disco Dave comes out dancing. He has some bellbottoms on and his shirt isn’t buttoned up)

(Disco Dave sits down and everything stops)

 

Disco Dave: Peace Man…

 

Binky: Huh?

 

Disco Dave: Peace man… you know 70’s talk

 

Davis: Dude!!!! Why do we have all these weirdoes coming on the show???

 

(the door to the office flies open again)

 

Natalya: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! BOTH OF YOU!!!!

 

(the office door closes again)

 

Davis: ………..Never mind…

 

Daveed: Yeah you better never mind!!!!!

 

Davis: Shove it, you jerk-off!!!

 

Daveed: ME???? A jerk-off???? Why don’t you suck it!!!!

 

(Daveed stands up and does the sign, or whatever you call it, for suck it)

 

Davis: Yeah, you’d want me to!!!!

 

David: Shut up, I just ate lunch!!!

 

Daveed: WHAT!!!! You had a lunch!!!!

 

David: Yeah I did have a lunch!!!!!

 

Davis: HUH??? YOU HAD A LUNCH???

 

David: YA IT WAS A PIECE OF CARDBOARD, YOU TWIT!!!!

 

Daveed: Did you leave any left???

 

David: NO WAY!!!! I WAS HUNGRY!!!

 

Disco Dave: HEY!!!! Peace man…PEACE…

 

Daveed: Ya he’s right let’s make peace…

 

David: Yes let’s

 

Davis: Are you sure there isn’t any cardboard left???

 

Daveed: We are trying to make peace you idiot!!!

 

Davis: Peace??? HA!!! HA HA HA AHAAAA

 

(Davis laughs hysterically)

(Disco Dave gets up and all of a sudden the lights start flashing like Disco lights, the music starts playing, and the Disco Ball……well it does its thing)

(the office door opens again)

 

Director: BYE BYE FIDDLESTICKS!!!!!

 

Fiddlesticks: BYE BYE MRS. STUPID!!!!!! BYE BYE STUPID MR. STOOPY POOPY!!!!!!

 

Producer: Suck it!!!!

 

Fiddlesticks: Shove it!!!!

 

Producer: SUCK IT!!!!

 

Fiddlesticks: No!! You can do it yourself!!!

 

Producer: Fuck you!

 

Fiddlesticks: SHUT UP!!!!!

 

(Disco Dave sits down and everything stops)

 

Producer: ……I’m sorry…It’s just the music that gets me mad…

 

Fiddlesticks: …Yeah me too…

 

(the producer and Fiddlesticks run to each other and hug)

 

Davis: Ewwwwwwwwwww

 

David: You can say that again….

 

(the producer and Fiddlesticks start to kiss)

(Davewooligan appears in the doorway)

 

Davewooligan: Hey!!! Let me in on some of this!!!!

 

(Davewooligan runs for a group hug. Producer and Fiddlesticks stop kissing. The Producer, Fiddlesticks, and Davewooligan hug each other.)

 

Davehooligan: Hey!!!! There you are!!!!!!

 

(Davehooligan runs for the group hug also)

 

David: Gross!!!!!!

 

Daveed: Can you guys stop hugging???

 

Davis: I think I’m going to hurl…

 

Binky: This is too much…

 

Disco Dave (frowning): This isn’t too hip.

 

Davewooligan, Davehooligan, Fiddlesticks, and Producer: Aaaaaaawwwwwwww

 

David: Hey they said that Disco Dave’s music makes them mad!!!!

 

Daveed: Yeah!!!!! Get up Disco Dave!!!!

 

(Disco Dave gets up)

(Everybody stops hugging)

(Everybody screams at the same time)

 

Producer: I’M GOING TO GET YOU!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

 

Fiddlesticks: YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

 

Davehooligan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

 

Davewooligan: RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

 

(everybody charges at each other)

(the fight turns in to Slug-o-Rama Festival 22)

 

Disco Dave (in mortal kombat voice): SLUG-O-RAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

David: Yeah!!!!! Give him a kick in the balls!!!!

 

Daveed: PUNCH ‘EM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Davis: Kill! Kill! Kill!

 

Binky: Give him a left and a right!!!!!!!

 

David: HA HA! This is so cool!!!

 

(Producer socks Fiddlesticks in the jaw)

(Davewooligan clips Davehooligan in the stomach)

 

1 HOUR LATER!!!!!

 

(Producer tirely punches Fiddlesticks in the face)

(Davewooligan collapses on top of Davehooligan)

 

Davehooligan: OH YEAH!!!!

 

(Davehooligan starts humpin’ Davewooligan)

 

Davewooligan (in sexy voice): Ohhhhh yessss.

 

David: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW that’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen!!!! CAN I BLOW THEM UP WITH MY GRENADE?

 

Davis: Go ahead!!!

 

Daveed: Please!!!

 

Binky: That’ll be the best thing that happened if you do

 

(David throws the grenade)

 

Davehooligan: Huh? What’s this?

 

Davewooligan: It’s probably a sex toy

 

Davewooligan: Ok, cool. How do you use it?

 

David: You pull the pin and wait 10 seconds

 

Davehooligan: Let’s pull it together

 

(Davehooligan and Davewooligan pull the pin)

 

10 SECONDS LATER!!!!

 

BOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

David: HA HA HA HA HA! SUCCESS!!!

 

Davis: FREEDOM!!!!

 

Daveed: FINALLY IT’S ALL OVER!!!!

 

Binky: Phew…I thought it would never end!!

 

Davehooligan: Uhhgghh. Ow, I’m hurting all over.

 

Davewooligan: At least you are living!!!

 

(Davewooligan makes a choking sound and dies)

 

Davehooligan: Noooo. My love!!! I shalt not live one more moment without thee.

 

Davis: Huh?

 

David (looking at Davis and shrugging): I don’t know.

 

(Davehooligan takes a dagger from his pocket and sticks it through his heart)

 

Davehooligan: Ow, that hurts…

 

Davis: Wow…that wasn’t even clever.

 

(Davehooligan chokes and blood starts to come out of his mouth, nose, and ears)

 

David: Eww…that’s gross.

 

Binky: Not as gross as before..

 

Daveed: Yeah, I guess

 

Binky: Who do we have next?

 

(Shavis has an Arnold Schwarzennegger voice, he is really buff)

 

Shavis: ME!!! SHAVIS!!!

 

(Shavis sits down on the chair)

 

Binky: Ok what do you do?

 

Shavis: I am Shavis, I’m so cool!!!!

 

Binky: Ok…what do you do?

 

Shavis: I sit around looking good with my superior muscles and I shave a lot…I like to shave

 

Binky: Ok…what else do you do?

 

Shavis (shouting): What do you mean what else do I do? I sit around and I shave a lot!!!! You are confusing me!!!! AAAHHH!!!!

 

(Shavis gets all red and looks like he is gonna blow up)

 

Binky: Ok, you don’t have to answer that

 

(all of a sudden Shavis returns to normal)

 

Shavis: You want to know what I ate for breakfast today?

 

Binky: Sure…

 

Shavis: I had 3 bags of sugar, 2 bags of brown sugar, lot’s of soda which was caffeine enriched, caffeine pills, and 3 of those rush pills

 

Binky: Anything else?

 

Shavis: Oh ya…I had 4 Viagra pills too

 

Binky: You sure you didn’t snuff anything either?

 

Shavis: Actually after you mentioned it yes.

 

Binky: What was it?

 

Shavis: Mountain Dew. Then I put on shaving cream. Man’s best friend. But not that Gillette junk. Old Spice for me. Yep.

 

Binky: Isn’t Old Spice deodorant?

 

Shavis: It is??? I thought that bar looking thing was a new type of shaving cream

 

Binky: Nope, it’s deodorant.

 

Shavis: EWWWWW!!!! But I smell like I had shaved, so I guess that is ok!!!! HA HA!! I AM REBORN!!!

 

Binky: Uhhhh…………………………….right……..

 

(Shavis gets up and starts jumping up and down like a ballerina out the door)

 

Binky: That was weird…Ok the next one we have is…Mavis

 

(Mavis comes in and sits down)

 

Mavis: HELLLLOOOO!!!!!

 

Binky: Hi

 

Mavis: HELLLLOOOO!!!!!

 

Binky: SHUT UP

 

Mavis: I’m sowwie

 

Binky: What the hell do you do?

 

Mavis: gee uhhhh…

 

Binky: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DO???

 

Mavis: uhhh…I work at fast food restaurant…….I think…

 

Binky: GET OUT!!!! AAHHHHHH!!!!!!

 

(Mavis gets up jumps over the chair and the chair falls down and Mavis falls too. Mavis scrambles to his feet and runs)

 

David: HA HA HA HA! That guy was WEIRD

 

Binky: Yeah I guess so. Next we have…Dave Bond?

 

Dave Bond: Yes, that is right

 

(Dave Bond comes in elegantly and sits down)

(Binky looks at him strangely and examines that he has a suit and a tie on just like James Bond)

 

Dave Bond: Unlike that phony James Bond, I like it stirred, not shaken. And I say Dave, Dave Bond.

 

(Binky looks at him stranger then before)

(Dave Bond looks back)

 

Binky: hmmm……ok so are you done?

 

(Dave Bond is still looking at him)

 

Binky: You sure you ain’t gay? Cause if you are you’ll end up like that mess down there

 

(Dave Bond looks down at it and goes back in his chair with eyes wide open)

 

Binky (while turning his head to look): Hey, it ain’t that gross

 

(Binky’s eyes go wide open too)

(on the floor Davehooligan has a fountain of blood coming out of his mouth)

 

Binky: OHHHH, GGRRRROOOSSSSS

 

(David walks in with coffee and a doughnut)

 

David: …get away from me Davis this is my stuff..

 

(David looks at Davehooligan)

 

David: WAHA!!!!

 

(David spills the coffee on Davis and the doughnut lands on the floor)

 

Davis: AAAAHHHHH!!!! HHHHOOTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GONNA KILL YOU DAVID!!!!!!!!

 

(Davis goes for his neck and misses then David runs away with Davis behind him)

 

Davis: YOU AREN’T GETTIN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dave Bond: …..um…ok

 

Binky: …are you done?

 

Dave Bond: not really…

 

Binky: …what else do you wanna say?

 

Dave Bond: I am a secret agent

 

Binky: uh…ok are you sure your not gay?

 

Dave Bond: yes

 

Binky: ok…your positive?

 

Dave Bond: YES!

 

Binky: ok good…too much gay activity going around here ::shivers::

 

Dave Bond: Ah, yes I see…

 

(Dave Bond looks down at the floor and looks away in disgust)

 

Binky: Well….what does a secret agent do?

 

Dave Bond: secret….stuff

 

Binky: oh….ok….

 

(Dave Bond looks at his watch)

 

Dave Bond: I must go now and do secret….stuff

 

(Dave Bond gets up and leaves)

 

Binky: Ok, next we have…Davib and Davik….they’re twins…

 

(Davib and Davik walk through the door, and raise their hands high in the air)

 

Davib and Davik: HELLLLLOOO!!!!

 

Binky: AAHH!!! THESE GUYS ARE GAY!!!

 

(Binky dives under his desk)

 

Davib: I’m not gay

 

Davik: I’m not gay either…though we’re called the gay brothers…

 

Binky: Uhh….can you go please??? Don’t call us, and we won’t call you!!!

 

(Davib and Davik go next to the desk and bend down)

 

Davib and Davik: HEY THERE!!

 

(Binky looks up)

 

Binky: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(Binky pushes past them, and is crawling on the floor)

 

Binky (crawling): Get away, get away, get away!!!

 

(Binky gets up and grabs a sword that is hanging on the wall)

 

Binky (backing away from Davik and Davib): Don’t make me chop you

 

(Davik and Davib walk toward him)

 

Davik: You think-

 

Davib: that will hurt us?

 

Binky (looking at them in a weird way): What are you talking about?

 

(Davik and Davib take out swords from their backs)

 

Davik: How do you like my sword? Made of 10 feet of titanium alloy steel and I can shoot lasers from it with its laser generator center

 

Davib: My sword is made of lasers and can cut through anything.

 

Binky: OH YEAH?? Well my sword is made of…uh…err…umm……

 

Davik: From the looks of it, it looks like aluminum

 

Binky: Uh….its a special metal, when I hold it up in the air I can blow anything up, like this….

 

(Binky holds his sword up in the air and it starts glowing, and a circle of red energy surrounds the top of the sword and makes it’s way down to Binky’s feet)

 

Davik (squinting looking at the sword): its so bright…

 

Davib (squinting looking at the sword): its like nothing I’ve ever seen…

 

Binky: AAHHH!!!!

 

(Binky points the sword toward Davib and Davik and the circle of red energy around the sword and Binky shoots in a beam toward them)

 

Davib and Davik: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

 

(the beam hits Davib and Davik, and they get electrocuted then after a minute of being electrocuted they start to glow)

 

Davib: wha…wha, what’s happening?

 

(Davib looks at his hand as it starts to melt)

 

Davik: aahhh…..i’m not melting I’m feeling kinda bad, like a really bad stomach ache….ugghhh….

 

(Davik blows up)

 

Davib: DAVIK!!! NOOOO

 

(Davib’s face starts melting)

 

Davib (muffled): noooooo

 

(Binky watches as Davib melts into a puddle)

 

Binky: whoa, cool

 

(David runs through the TV station again with Davis close behind him)

 

David: AAAHHH!!!

 

Davis: YOU WON’T GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!

 

Binky: Man, would you stop?

 

Davis (stops running): ok fine….it wasn’t hot coffee anyway…

 

David (stops running): it wasn’t???? I GOT RIPPED OFF!!!

 

DD (looking in through a doorway): Hey when’s my turn?

 

Binky: Who da hell are you?

 

DD: My name is Double D. David David.

 

David: ………you copied me!

 

DD: no my name is DD, or Double D

 

David: DAVID DAVID!!! THAT’S MY NAME TWICE!!! THAT MAKES ME MAD!!!!

 

(David grabs the sword Binky has and shoots a beam at DD)

 

DD: AAAAHHH!!!!

 

(DD gets electrocuted, you can see his bones, and he gets reduced to a pile of dust)

 

David: …..I sorta liked that guy….

 

Binky: Then why da heck did you just zap him with the sword?

 

David: uh, cause I felt like it

 

Binky: Uhhh….are we done with the list?

 

(Binky looks at the list he has)

 

Binky: YES!!!! WE ARE!!!!

 

David (blinks): really?

 

Binky: yep

 

Davis: HA HA!!! FINALLY!!!

 

Daveed: YAY!!!

 

(everybody just stands where they are for some time, smiling)

 

Binky (after a while): I’m going…

 

David: yeah, me too

 

(everybody gets out of the TV station and the lights go down)

(camera focuses on Davehooligan and Davewooligan)

 

Davehooligan: Ah, finally, some privacy

 

Davewooligan: Oh, YES!!!

 

Davehooligan: But first, lets get outta here. We’ll have our revenge…..someday…heh heh

 

Davewooligan: Yes, heh heh, I’m horny lets go to your house

 

Davehooligan: Ok, honey, I’ll give it to you all night

 

(Davehooligan and Davewooligan walk out of the TV station, holding hands)

 

(end)

 

Mr. Clean’s Dojo

(Mr. Clean walks to the middle of the screen, winking. A sparkle appears on his eye when he does, and he crosses his arms against his chest)

 

Mr. Clean: I am Mr. Clean!

 

Old Lady (comes out of a door): bathroom tiles are clean, thanks to Mr. Clean!

 

Mr. Clean: that’s right! I have opened a dojo now, to teach people how to do the amazing things I can! Like wave my arm and everything is clean! Its only 5 dollars a day, and you’re taught by the best Clean Masters to date, not including me, because I’d rather be engulfed by my profits and swim in my money…!

 

(5 Italian guys in Mr. Clean uniforms run and get into a pyramid behind Mr. Clean)

 

Mr. Clean: you can learn how to do this!

 

5 Italian Guys: Hi-yah!!

 

(amazingly the floor around them is clean)

 

Mr. Clean: Its all about showmanship here, so get you ass down here, quick!

 

(Mr. Clean points to the camera)

 

Mr. Clean: or, I’ll Clean ya! And make YOU into a forest fire!

 

Italian Guy 1: dat’s da trudth!

 

(end)

 

DBC News Broadcast 4

Now top stories with David…

Sports with Davis…

Weather with Daveed…

a few words with Fiddlesticks…

and The Special Guest Corner with Binky

 

David: Now for the top stories… 1. DBC is going to sue another TV station for taking our material! Its a stupid little station called Matt to the 2nd Power Studios!

 

Daveed : Rifles… check… rocket launchers… check… grenades… check… timed mines… check… remote mines… check… proximity mines… check…

 

David: What the heck are you doing????

 

Daveed: We are going to sue them… right?

 

David: Yeah…so

 

Daveed: Suppose they win!!! I ain’t lettin’ them off THAT easy

 

David: We’re going to SUE them not start a some weird war called TV Station War I. Imagine what ABC, NBC, and CBS will do!

 

Fiddlesticks: What’s TV Station War I?

 

(everybody ignores Fiddlesticks)

 

Daveed: So what!!!! I’m gonna raid their studio with or without you guys!!! F-14…check…tank…check…MiG-25…check…Nuclear bomb… check…missiles…check…Aircraft Carrier…check… Apache Helicopter…check…Cobra Helicopter…check…bazooka…check…oh yeah, I forgot! My squirt gun! Hmm…what else am I missing?

 

Davis (while Daveed is checking his supplies): Hey!!! It’ll be a great topic for my sports column!!! Speaking of sports…

 

Now Sports with Davis… Davis: 1. Too bad. Our rivals took all the info away from us!!! So there’s no sports.

 

David: Oh I almost forgot!!!!! We have a whole NEW cast of members coming!!!! And of course we’ll still be here!!! And they’re coming next episode!!! Here’s the list of people coming, they also have a comment for us!!!

 

Johnny Bravo: Hey!!! There’s a bunch of teeny weeny bikini girls out there!!! What da hell am I doing here??

 

Melonhead: Huh?? Wait!!! I didn’t do anything!!! What am I doing here?? I’m just a melonhead, what do you expect from me????

 

Beep Beep: Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Honk Honk

 

AAAghhh: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Mr.Rock: ……………………………………………………….

 

Garfield: yawwwnn! Ok, now where’s my lasagna? You told me I’d get some if I said something, and I did. At least give me 20 bucks to go to a restaurant or somethin!

 

Davis (pushing Garfield away): That’s a heck of a lineup!!!!

 

David: Yeah! But some people won’t be in the show. Like Beep Beep, AAAghhh, and Mr. Rock. We just put them in for the heck of it!!! But these people might make a cameo appearance someday!

 

(Daveed loads his gun and makes a… well you know how it sounds)

 

Daveed: OK I’m going down there now, whoever wants to come get some guns and some body armor.

 

David: Uh oh, we gotta go. When Daveed starts he never stops. Unless his girlfriend tells him to stop. Excuse me did I say girlfriend? I meant X-Girlfriend….

 

Daveed: I never liked her anyway!!!!!! One day she got on my nerves than I just pulled out a gun and BANG!!!!

 

Davis: Women… you need’em but you can’t live with them.

 

David (looking mad at Davis): Shut up

 

Binky: I ain’t going!!!! I’m doing my part of the show!!!!…

 

(everyone looks at Binky)

 

Binky: Oh, what the heck it’s not like I have anybody to interview

 

Daveed: HA HA! WE GONNA KICK ASS!

 

(everyone runs out the door)

(gun shots can be heard ringing out in the distance)

 

(end)

 

Mrs. Telemarketer’s Telemarketer School

(a person is “talking on the phone, you can hear on the other line a person screaming and hanging up the phone. The person frowns for a second, then smiles widely, hanging up the phone. The person looks at the camera)

 

Mrs. Telemarketer: hello, do you want to venture into the world of telemarketry? If so, you should still listen. Hello, I am Mrs. Telemarketer and I sell stuff for no-name or really really bad companies you just don’t like. If you’re still interested, call this number. We’re available 24 hours a day, because of the fact that we don’t sleep and have no food because we spend all our money on coffee, sugar pills, and amphetamines. The number is 1-800-WE-SUCK-BECAUSE-WE’RE-TELEMARKETERS. Bye!

 

(fade out)

(end)