Dead or Alive

This was made by someone else in my group in Media Arts. It had a lot of corrections on it, so this isn’t exactly the same as the real thing. We eventually made this into a movie, which you can see here:

 

INT. OFFICE – DAY

EDDIE MOON, is sitting in front of a desk, with white “asylum-clothes” on. His head is shaved and has a sickly expression on his face. Doctor walks in the office. The Doctor is wearing a white lab coat with a notebook, pen, and a tape recording.

Doctor

(cautiously)

Hello Mr. Moon…how are you today?

 

Eddie

(coldly)

Fine.

 

Doctor

Well, have you been taking the medication prescribed for your…um…hallucinations?

 

Eddie

(shouting)

I don’t have hallucinations and I never did! I am not crazy! I know what I saw wasn’t a hallucination! You don’t even know what happened that day!

 

Doctor

(curiously)

What exactly happened to you that day? What was it that you saw?

 

The Doctor carefully turns on his tape recorder to record Eddie’s story.

 

Eddie

(calmly)

Well, it all started off when I got into some trouble with a gangster in L.A….

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – DAY

Ordinary park with a couple trees in the background.

Eddie is walking across the park. TYRONE comes chasing after him. Tyrone is wearing a black wife-beater and a black cap backwards and has a menacing look on his face.

 

Tyrone

(angrily)

Hey fool, you in a gang?! Where you from?!

 

Eddie

Nowhere man..chill out.

 

Eddie pushes Tyrone with one arm and tries to walk away. Tyrone blocks his path.

 

Tyrone

You don’t know what you just did, do you?

 

Before Eddie can answer, Tyrone swings at Eddie. Eddie ducks and punches Tyrone in the stomach and finishes him off with a right cross. Tyrone falls onto the ground. Eddie kicks Tyrone while he is on the ground and starts to walk away. Tyrone is bleeding from his nose.

 

Tyrone

(shouting)

Hey! You just committed suicide, you know that?! You better watch your back, fool, ’cause imma get you!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. WHITE OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

That was probably the worst mistake I ever made

 

Doctor

What are you talking about?

 

Eddie

well…the gangster came after me the next day and when he said I committed suicide at the park the other day…he was right.

CUT TO:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Nice middle-class suburban neighborhood in California.

Eddie is walking down a street. He passes a parked car with two people in it. He doesn’t notice the people.

INT. CAR

The car is somewhat clean with TOMRONE in the driver’s seat and Tyrone loading a gun. Tomrone is a muscular guy with a light beard. He is driving the car. Tyrone is wearing the same outfit from the incident at the park and is holding a gun.

 

Tomrone

You sure that’s the guy?

 

Tyrone

Shut up! I know it’s him!

 

Tyrone finishes up loading his gun and cocks it.

 

Tyrone

All right, let’s go.

 

The car starts to slowly follow Eddie. Eddie doesn’t notice the car. The car pulls up right next to him.

 

Tyrone

(shouting)

HEY! Remember me?! I told you you were committing suicide! Die!

 

Eddie suprisingly looks toward the car. Before he can do anything, Tyronefires his gun at Eddie. Eddie screams and falls to the ground. The car Tyrone is in races down the street. Eddie is lying on the ground motionles. There is a puddle of blood coming from beneath him.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

That is all I remember. Hearing those gunshots and me falling. I died right after, you know.

 

Doctor

(unbelievingly)

OK…so if you died that day, then how are you here right now?

 

Eddie

(annoyed)

I DID die. But I came back to life. How many times do I have to tell you people that?!

 

EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Eddie is motionless and lying on the ground with a puddle of blood oozing out of him. Suddenly, Eddie’s transparent spirit rises from his body. He looks around, feeling his body, checking for wounds. Then looks down at his human body.

 

Eddie

(bewildered)

What? What the hell is going on?! Why am I lying there?

 

People start gathering around Eddie’s dead body. One leans over to check Eddie’s pulse. After a short time, he sadly shakes his head. Eddie starts to wave his arms to the people gathered around his body.

 

Eddie

(scared)

Can you guys see me? Come on! Say something! Oh my God…I can’t believe this is happening…

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Eddie is sitting quietly as if he is thinking about something. The Doctor waits patiently.

 

Eddie

You understand what has happened so far don’t you?

 

Doctor

I’m not that sure. But please, go on.

 

Eddie is quiet again. He is thinking to himself.

 

Eddie

(solemnly)

That is when I realized what had happened. My spirit had left my body. That is why my body was lying on the ground…dead. When I finally accpted this fact I couldn’t believe that I had made nothing of my life. I had dreams. I prayed that if I could have one more chance…just one more chance to live again…I would do something with life. That is when another miraculous thing happened.

 

CUT TO:

EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Eddie’s transparent spirit is sitting on the sidewalk with his eyes closed as if he is praying. A loud booming VOICE is heard from the sky. The voice is deep and filled with wisdom.

 

Voice

IT is not your time yet. Live again and fulfill your destiny.

 

Eddie’s spirit is looking around extremely puzzled by the voice. Then all of a sudden Eddie’s spirit disappears. Bird’s eye view of Eddie’s body. His eyes flicker a bit. Then it slowly begins to open. It opens all the way. He starts blinking fast breathing heavily. He is alive but barely.

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

(reminiscing)

It was crazy. Right then, a miracle happened…

 

Doctor

(impatiently)

What? What happened after that?

 

Eddie

(enthusiastically)

God had sent my spirit back into my body to fulfill my destiny on earth!

 

Doctor

(sarcastically)

So…what you’re trying to say is that your spirit left your body…and God sent your spirit back into your body so you could fulfill your destiny?

 

Eddie

(beginning to get angry)

You don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m crazy like everyone else is, don’t you!? Isn’t that why I’m locked up in here? In this asylum?

 

Doctor

(calmly)

Thank you for your time, Mr. Moon. I’ll see you same time next week, take your medicine daily.

 

Eddie glares at the Doctor with hateful eyes. Then Eddie is escorted out. After Eddie leaves, the Doctor picks up the still running tape recorder and speaks into it.

 

Doctor

(slowly with no feelings)

Patient 257 is suffering from severe hallucinations and hears voices…may be suffering from long-term schizophrenia and manic depression…due to his conditions…he cannot be helped.

 

The Doctor clicks the recorder…pauses as if to think…shakes whatever he’s thinking about off…and turns off the light…

(end)

 


I thought this was a pretty bad script actually…it had potential, but it came out realllllly bad….

 

 

The Gaytrix

(scene opens with sugar packets with ones and zeros on them)

(then it demagnifies and has a guy snuffing the sugar packet)

????: mmh! This is good shit. Good idea putting cocaine in NutraSweet packets

Drug Dealer: I didn’t actually put it in, NutraSweet IS cocaine. No one actually knows it…

(???? Goes into a trance, and the camera focuses on his eye)

(a man named Neo, wearing a thong and a G-string goes to work, and all of a sudden…)

Neo: strike a pose!

(Neo does a pose in the middle of the street, in New York. Everybody stops what they’re doing, and a car crash sound is heard in the distance. Everyone around Neo starts beating him up)

(an hour later)

(Neo stumbles into his one room apartment)

Neo (rubbing his ass): God, someone stuck a briefcase in my ass….what’s this?

(Neo pulls out a paper from his ass)

Neo (reading the paper): wondering what the Gaytrix is? Pull out more papers from your ass

(Neo pulls a second piece from his ass)

Neo (reading off the paper): go to your computer and go to the Kevin Spacey fan site and log in as “Gaytrix” the password is “Neo”

(Neo rubs his head)

Neo: holy crap. How did it know my name?

(Neo goes to the Kevin Spacey web site on his ultra cool computer, and there are 2 animations of Kevin Spacey humping himself)

Neo: sweet.

(Neo logs in, and Kevin Spacey’s voice says “welcome”)

Neo: yay

Computer: Check your mail? Send mail? Buy a Kevin Spacey Dildo?

Neo: Check my mail

Computer: You have 3 mails

(Neo clicks on the first mail. It reads: )

Hello user Gaytrix. Your Kevin Spacey Dildo has been sent via United States Postal Service and will arrive in approximately 3 days. We know you can’t wait.

Neo: that’s not the right one…

(Neo clicks on another one. It reads: )

Hello Gaytrix. Here’s the attachment for that program that you can have Kevin Spacey have sexual intercourse with anything and everything, and it simulates what he will make with it

(Neo downloads it)

Neo: never know when I might need that…

(Neo clicks on the last one and it reads: )

Hello, Neo. You finally found the right one. Go to this location and wait for my Kevin Spacey dildos. You will get further instructions then.

(there is a drawing of a place. Neo recognizes it)

Neo: there, huh? Ok!

(the email goes on: )

Don’t be gay. Wear clothes. If you’re gay, the Gaytrix will get you…

Neo: aw man

(later, at that place)

Neo: dooby dooby doo waiting for Kevin Spacey dildos…

(6 days later)

(a mailman chucks a box at Neo, and speeds away on his bike)

(Neo opens the box and takes out a 1 inch dildo)

Neo: geez. You can lose something like this really easily…

(Morpheus appears behind Neo, out of nowhere)

Morpheus: that’s why Kevin Spacey doesn’t have much manhood, especially after he starred in Pay It Forward. Look at this graph.

(Morpheus points to a graph that just appears)

Morpheus: This is zero, and the beginning of Kevin Spacey’s career. As you can see there is a slight increase, until we get to the time of Pay It Forward

(the line goes below zero, and it keeps dropping)

Morpheus: well, you get what I mean

Neo: true…

Morpheus: get him.

(in a second, a shadowy figure blackjacks Neo, and the scene fades out)

(fade in, Neo is looking up at Morpheus)

Morpheus: hello…

Neo: ah man, I have such a bad headache…why’d you knock me out?

Morpheus: um….because…yeah.

Neo: oh ok

(Neo sits up, rubbing his head, and Morpheus sits in a bean bag chair)

Morpheus: do you really want to know what the Gaytrix is?

Neo: yes I do…

(Morpheus raises one hand)

Morpheus: if you take the blue pill, you will find the immense amount of gayness and junk like that that is…the Gaytrix

(Morpheus raises his other hand)

Morpheus: if you take the red pill, you’ll forget everything you’ve seen here today, and some other stuff…and maybe get a brain aneurysm…

(Morpheus raises a third hand)

Morpheus: and you should take these extra strength children’s tylenol for your headache

(Neo blinks a couple times, still rubbing his head)

Neo: where did that third hand come from?

(Morphues doesn’t do anything for a while, then takes the Tylenol and puts it in the same as the blue pill)

Neo: ok, fine, I’ll take the blue pill

(Neo swallows the blue pill, and the Tylenol)

Morpheus: I’ll give you something to wash that down. Open your mouth

(Neo opens his mouth as Morpheus unzips his pants, and pees into his mouth)

Morpheus: 3 points!

(a crane picks up Neo by his shirt collar and drops him headfirst into a toilet. He takes his head out of it, but a shadowy figure dunks his head back in, and flushes the toilet)

Neo: whoooooaaaaaaaa!

(Neo gets sucked in, it seems, and he wakes up in a coffin, colored with pretty pink flowers, hanging over a field of flowers. The coffin is transparent)

Neo: holy shit!

(Neo looks around, but it seemed like the world was covered with pink flowers)

(Neo’s coffin breaks and he falls into the flowers. It seems like they were all attacking him)

Neo: noooooo!

(Neo gets up, and he’s fine. The flowers didn’t move at all. Neo shrugs and then walks north, trying to find out where he is)

(after a few weeks, he gets out of the flower field, and is now in a barren tundra, with gray dirt and cracks in the ground everywhere, and the camera spins around Neo, until he’s facing it)

Neo: what the?

(Morpheus appears behind Neo)

Morpheus: welcome to the real world

Neo: your fly is still open…

Morpheus: it is? That’s funny, its been open for 6 weeks

Neo: ok…

Morpheus: the real world is scattered with pretty pink flower fields, on this desolate earth. We only survive by eating the flowers…

Neo: how did this happen?

Morpheus: gay aliens obsessed with flowers, called al Qaedas.

Neo: oh…

Morpheus: they basically killed everything that wasn’t a flower, and planted flowers across the whole earth, only. In every field there is a huge flower that holds humans in it, and they use our energy to expand the flower fields and they also want to turn us gay, hence the reason why its called the world they put us in is called the Gaytrix. That way they’d only have to leave a few of their fellow aliens behind to monitor us, and once we all become gay, they’ll integrate us into their race! And they’ve already taken over the moon fully. Look at that!

(the camera pans to the moon, where Morpheus is pointing)

(the moon is just a pink glob, and you can see the sky is also a pale pink)

Neo: that’s horrible…

Seifer: hello!

(more people appear behind Morpheus singing in tune)

Trinity: we’re her to save the universe –

Tank: – from being gaaaaaaaayyyyy

Dozer: cha cha cha!

Seifer: a one, a one, a two three four!

(everyone dances simultaneously, doing a can can and ending in a riverdance)

Morpheus: we must kill the homo aliens!

Trinity: from taking everything!

Seifer: guy and girl?

Morpheus: girl and guy?

(everyone shakes their head)

Everyone: NO WAY!

Morpheus: when everyones gay its –

Seifer: guy and guy?

(Seifer sticks out his tongue)

Trinity: girl and girl?

(Trinity sticks out her tongue)

Tank: its ok for some –

Dozer: but not everyonnnnneee!!!!

(an explosion is seen in the back)

Morpheus: shit! Its the Homo Rangers!

(a hole appears in the ground all of a sudden and everyone jumps into it)

(the Homo Rangers go toward the hole where everyone went in)

Homo Ranger Horg Zorg: That’s retarded…they do this every week.

Homo Ranger Harg Zarg: Its mysterious how they can just add another person to their dancing routine every time…

Homo Ranger Hurg Zurg: oh well

Homo Ranger Herg Zerg: blah. We’ll get them next time

Homo Ranger Squad Comander Hirg Zirg: while we’re waiting, let’s have hot sex!

(meanwhile, in the hole)

Morpheus: are you in, Neo?

Neo: yes

Morpheus: there are Homo Agents in the Gaytrix, too. We have to get rid of them all, and preferably kill their whole race to liberate the Earth and the rest of existence

Neo: sounds fun

Dozer: you gotta be careful. If they Homo-Hump you they can control you whenever they want

Neo: that kinda scares me

Seifer: um, yeah…me too…

(unbeknownst to the rest of the team, Seifer was, in fact, Homo-Humped!)

Morpheus: as does the rest of us. Everyone has been homo-humped except us, so anyone could be our enemy. An old lady, a little puppy, and even crossguards.

Neo: um…why do my eyes hurt?

Morpheus: it kinda hurts everyone’s eyes after we do our performance

(Trinity rubs her eyes)

Trinity: you’re pretty

Neo: who? Me?

(Trinity nods her head)

Trinity: I like your nice long blonde hair

(Neo has no hair)

Seifer (shoves Trinity): sorry, she’s a little stoned at the moment. You’ve got a nice afro

Neo: ok…

(fade out)

(fade in, dogs are chasing after everyone through the woods. You hear barking as they run)

(fade out)

(fade in, in a stupid futuristic kinda place with some seats)

Neo: what is this?

Morpheus: the Command Ship!

(“Command Ship” echoes and there’s a lightning sound)

Trinity: whee!

(Tank spins around in a chair and puts on a “talk to type” set of headphones, but you don’t know that…)

(Neo walks up to a screen with scrolling green numbers)

Neo: what’s this?

Seifer: that’s the May-Trix. They only use that in May. Its pretty much the same thing, but in a different coding, and it sucks more. But that’s a different movie.

Neo: huh? Movie?

Seifer: never-fucking-mind

(Seifer waves his hands around)

Morpheus: let’s go meet someone

Neo: ok, who?

Morpheus: she’s an oracle, and can help you unlock your destiny

(Morpheus smiles evilly)

Morpheus: Lets go to the Gaytrix! Suit up!

(Dozer jumps outta nowhere and jams a needle into Neo’s skull and he goes into the Gaytrix…with skills he didn’t have before)

(they all appear in a McDonalds bathroom)

Neo: I know how to make pizza…

Morpheus: that’s great.

(the camera zooms out, and Seifer, Trinity, Morpheus and Neo are wearing dark sunglasses, and trench coats)

Morpheus: lets go!

(everyone goes out of the bathroom, and walk through the Playplace, obviously sticking out, since they’re all in black and the playplace is full of bright colors)

Kid (pointing at the group): mommy mommy! Burger King employees!

Mom: no, darling, they’re McDonalds employees

Kid: oh…I feel safer now

(cuts to Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, and Seifer coming out of McDonalds)

Neo: so, where IS this oracle?

Morpheus: uhh I forgot…

Seifer: SHIT! HOMO-AGENTS! I DIDN’T SQUEAL ON US, HONEST!

(millions, it seems, of agents surround them)

Homo-Agent Brown (speaking into a megaphone): good job, Seifer. You can go now.

Seifer: ok, maybe I did.

Neo: you’re not going anywhere!

(Everyone starts shooting agents and do karate shit. Seifer is kicked in the face by Neo. Bullet time is used a lot here, so use your imagination)

(slow motion scenes of homo-agents that look the same punching in slow motion. Randomly, one of the slow motion scenes are of Ronald McDonald, as well)

(after about a half an hour or so of action that you made up by yourself, Godzilla goes on a rampage and kills everyone. I just wanted to finish this, so I’m sorry for the sucky ending. Just for the hell of it, so if I want to make a sequel to this, they were all pulled out of the Gaytrix right before they were stepped on. And if you’re wondering what the beginning has to do with anything with the movie, this was all some guy’s coke trip)

(end)

—————–

Well, when I was writing this movie, I didn’t think there was going to be any ACTUAL sequels to The Matrix. So any similarities with the millions of agents or Ronald McDonald in this were actually made up by me, and not directly parodizing the 2nd Matrix. If you’re interested, this is what I have planned for making the next Gaytrix parodies:

The Gaytrix: Regayed – Completed

The Gatrix: Homorevolutions – Incomplete

The Gaytrix: Enter the Gaytrix – (takes place 2 days prior to Gatrix: Regayed, and follows 2 Homo-Agents/Homo-Rangers) – Incomplete

The Hentaitrix: The Gaytrix Animated (parody of all the 9 different Animatrix shorts, and also a 10th movie I make up originally. They all go in order, sort of. 5 of them lead up to Enter the Gaytrix, and they’re from the Homo Alien race’s point of view, and 5 that lead up to The Gaytrix: Regayed) – Incomplete

 

Robot Porn

By Holmes and davepoobond.

Cast:

HM098-1 – The Robot slut who just can’t the slut.exe uninstalled!

JKL832-2 – The repair robot who wants to show HM098-1 his HARD drive!

MAC101-3 – The iMac husband!

Tom Cruise – Eh, yeah you heard, i said tom cruise…he’s gay…

Robot Precrime Crew – Random gay guys…

 


Your order for the $8.99 Robot Porn Movie has been processed, movie starting…

The Scene starts off with HM098-1 in her box doing a scan disk. She has called over her repairman, JKL832-2 to fix a bug in her scan disk program.

 

JKL832-2: “hey there HM098-1, your gear needs readjusting”

HM098-1: “Why don’t you readjust it yourself, JKL832-2”

JKL832-2: “lemme….tighten it for you”

 

JKL832-2 Takes out his wrench…wow this is gettin’ kinky!

 

JKL832-2: “oh the WRENCH!”

HM098-1: “why don’t you rub oil on that wrench and shove it in my gearbox?”

JKL832-2: “i have to reset your fuses first”

HM098-1: “oh yeah, spark up my fuses”

JKL832-2: “oh oh oh baby!”

HM098-1: “why don’t you show me your hard drive”

JKL832-2: “show me your disk drives first”

HM098-1: “here i’ll give you my instruction manual”

JKL832-2: “Hmm very informational, i didn’t know about that”

HM098-1: “my dream robot is R2D2, he pushes my buttons…”

JKL832-2: “i want to make metal melting oily sex with you, let me insert my diskette into your disk drive!”

HM098-1: “hold on i have to format the dick…i mean disk”

 

Suddenly the sparks start flying as these 2 metal robots get it on! All you can hear is the sound of metal cranking.

 

HM098-1: “your handling me like a blacksmith!”

JKL832-2: “opening your printer and shoving in my toner”

HM098-1: “hold on, let me run my Horny program”

 

She runs her program, C:\Windows\Horny.exe

 

JKL832-2: “i cant get in the regular way…i’m gonna get in through the backdoor”

 

He heads to the back side for the rough ride!!!!!

 

JKL832-2: “hold on, i have to go on the internet and download some moaning sounds”

HM098-1: “ok but be careful, don’t unplug me!”

 

They keep doing there thang until HM098-1 stops and mentions something very important 0.0

 

HM098-1: “oh but we can’t have intercourse without protection…I have a virus”

 

She hands him a copy of Norton Antivirus.

 

JKL832-2: “dont worry baby, i have a firewall, those nasty p2p networks won’t get me! We can make a network connection anytime!”

HM098-1: “Ooh, my processor is getting HOOOOOOT!”

JKL832-2: “better cool it down, turn on your fan”

 

They keep doing it until a loud “YOU’VE GOT MAIL” sound comes out of HM098-1.

 

HM098-1: “Oh no, i got an e-mail from my husband! He’ll be back in 3.28 seconds!”

JKL832-2: “oh megabyte!”

HM098-1: “Well anyways, it was nice seeing your RAM in my backside!”

 

MAC101-3 rolls into his box finding his wife and the repair robot in compromising positions! HOLY SHIT!

 

MAC101-3: “what the megahert is happening here!”

HM098-1: “it’s nothing, you must be having a programing error!”

MAC101-3: “i’m a mac, i HAVE no errors” He turns to JKL832-2. “YOU STUPID MICROSOFT MADE ROBOT!”

JKL832-2: “oh man! dont hurt my desktop!”

HM098-1: “honey, your too much graphics, not enough hard drive! I think we should be in seperate boxes from now on”

 

She continues, telling him the sad truth.

 

HM098-1: “your…your just too perfect…i want someone who has errors all the time, like JKL832-2 and his windows program”

MAC101-3: “but that’s the reason you got me! i dont have any blue screens”

HM098-1: “but i can see right through you, and you don’t have a tower like JKL832-2”

MAC101-3: “Its not my fault my makers put my body into my head”

HM098-1: “too much broad, not enough brain”

MAC101-3: “we’re practically the same operating systems though!”

HM098-1: “well your mouse just doesn’t do the right amount of clicking”

MAC101-3: “i only have one clicking…thing”

HM098-1: “But I need a DOUBLE click, like JKL832-2”

MAC101-3: “i have a scroll wheel too”

HM098-1: “so does he…and he has a longer warranty…AND Internet Explorer!”

MAC101-3: “ENOUGH OF THIS! MAC RUUUUUUUULEEEEEEESSSSSS”

HM098-1: “Talk to the microphone cause the speaker ain’t listenin”

 

MAC101-3 runs at the other robot and kicks him with his robot foot.

 

JKL832-2: “OW! I HOPE YOU GET YOUR PLUG PULLED!”

 

Suddenly, the department of Robot Precrime crashes through the window (or does windows crash on him?)!

 

MAC101-3: “AHHH! DONT TAKE ME”

Tom Cruise: MAC101-3, you’re under arrest for being hot.

HM098-1: “You ASSHOLE! You ruined my windows!”

JKL832-2: “what the hell?”

Tom Cruise: “lets get him fellas”

 

All the precrime guys start screwing MAC101-3 in his openings…

 

MAC101-3: “honey! help me! i’m only a mac! i’m not made to have all these serial ports being used at the same time”

JKL832-2: “ha, serial ports. *I* have USB ports”

MAC101-3: “my serial ports are sore”

HM098-1: “Well now your files done, and it’s time to say GOODBYE!”

 

HM098-1 unplugs her husband.

 

HM098-1: “luckily our marriage was on CD-RW, now i can just write over it”

 

The precrime team carry him away while raping the husband (is that possible?)

The End

 

The Ugly Bunch Episode 1

(theme song)

Here’s a story

Of an ugly lady

Too bad this ho

Did not know

That her daughters were ugly

Here’s a story

Of a smelly man

Who you can’t stay

10 seconds with

or else you would suffocate and die

I wouldn’t wanna be his kids

Then One day this ugly lady met this smelly fellow

And they knew it was much more than a hunch

that this group of ugly people

would make a great ugly bunch

so they got married the next day

and thank God for that

now no one, has to marry those 2 ugly people now

THE UGLY BUUUNNCHH!!!

THE UGLY BUNCH

That’s the way we became the ugly bunch

THE UGLY BUNCH!

THE UGLY BUNCH!

Oh did we mention we had an ugly maid also?

(end of theme song, and the camera has a full face shot of Barfsha)

Barfsha: I’m sooo pretty

(Barfsha is brushing her hair)

Blan: Barfsha, how come you got all the good looks in the family?

Barfsha: because I got all the pretty genes

(Barfsha has a crooked nose, a warped lip, and more “beauty moles” than her actual skin)

Barfsha: I’m so yummy

Just Plain: hi, I’m underage

(Just Plain drinks beer)

Just Plain: its sooo good.

(Mom and Dad are having sex on the ceiling but crash through the roof onto the couch)

Dad: damn, did it again!

Made: Now I have to clean it up…

Too: ha, stupid maid

Very: shut up. Go eat my boogers

Too: only if unbelievably comes too

Unbelievable: suck it!

Made: ok!

(Made and Unbelievably go upstairs)

(a man comes out of a closet and launches a rocket at the camera)

(technical difficulties)

(end)

 

The Reindeer Show Episode 1

Ho Ho Ho

 

Blitzen: hello everyone! Welcome to the first episode of The Reindeer Show, picked up by the greatest broadcasting station ever, SBC!

 

Comet: Only SBC would put this kind of crappy show with talking reindeer on!

 

Prancer: Yeah! And not only do we get to stay on during Christmas only, we get to stay on the air all year round

 

Comet: not like we’ve got anything else to do the whole year…before we were picked up by SBC, we were on public broadcasting in Santa’s Village only

 

Blitzen: but Santa hooked us up

 

Santa (laughing): ho ho ho!

 

Comet (blinks): right…lets show some clips from the public broadcasting before we got onto SBC!

 

(fade out)

(fade in, the camera is shaking)

 

Blitzen: Prancer, I can’t hold the camera

 

(you can see a fire next to the edge of the screen)

 

Prancer: give me that!

 

(Prancer tries to get it, but the camera falls into the fire, finally stopping to shake. You can see the reindeer behind the flames)

 

Prancer: great. Get Rudolph in here!

 

(the scene cuts to outside again, recording Rudolph trying to get the camera, putting his leg in, put pulling it out over and over)

 

Prancer: oh, just get it already!

 

(Prancer kicks Rudolph in the ass, and Rudolph launches into the fire, and the gate on the fireplace locks shut)

 

Prancer: ehh….oops?

 

(fade out)

 

Donner: that tape cracks me up

 

Blitzen: how nice of you to join us, Donner

 

Donner: yes it is, isn’t it

 

Prancer: where’s the other guys?

 

Donner: um…staying away until the author can remember their names

 

Prancer: oh…kay….

 

Blitzen: the hell does that mean?

 

Donner: excuse me?

 

(Vixen cartwheels into a stack of Chia Pets)

 

Vixen: chia pets!

 

Santa: ho ho ho!

 

Mrs. Claus: Santa said, “didn’t I tell you never to cartwheel into the Presents That No One Wants Anymore Even If They Are Free Pile?”

 

Vixen: look at all this crappy stuff!

 

Prancer: hey, you’re right! While we’re looking through this shit, here’s another clip. Its supposedly a ransom video we made…

 

(fade out)

(fade in, you see Rudolph tied on a chair and blindfolded)

 

Rudolph: hello? Anyone here??

 

(Vixen walks in front of the camera, in a ski mask)

 

Vixen: hello…SANTA. We’re revolting against you. I’m afraid Christmas just won’t be this year. We have all revolted…except goody-two-shoes Rudolph here

 

Rudolph: hello? Vixen, this isn’t funny!

 

(Donner walks over to Rudolph and punches him in the stomach)

 

Donner: quiet, you!

 

Rudolph: owwww….

 

Vixen: but! There is a way you CAN have Christmas this year. Increase out food supply and pay by 200%!

 

Donner: If you don’t, we’ll tear Rudolphs genitals off! Then there will be no more reindeer with red stupid nose thingys!

 

(a big rumble, and all of a sudden Santa somersaults from the ceiling, karate chopping Donner)

 

Vixen: oh crap! The elves ratted us out!!

 

(Santa launches into the air, kicking Vixen into the camera, and the scene becomes snowy)

(scene cuts back to Donner, looking through the toys)

 

Donner: alright! I found a Street Shark action figure! And a belt that says “suck me” on it!

 

(Donner puts the belt on and puts his front hooves on his hips)

 

Donner: I’m cool now!

 

Blitzen: you’re still a freak

 

Donner: what’d you say!?

 

(Donner jumps on Blitzen and they start punching each other)

(camera pans to Dasher)

 

Dasher: hey, here’s a funny clip

 

(fades out, and fades in to Dasher, sitting at a table, with various foods on it)

 

Dasher (speaking in a British accent): why, hello there, and welcome to Dasher’s Cooking Show. Today, we will learn a specialty dish, called “Bake-a-Rudolph”

 

(Dahser picks up a big pot and places it in front of him)

 

Dasher: first you get all this crap

 

(Dahser picks up a pile of Reindeer crap in a Ziploc bag)

 

Dasher: then, put it in here

 

(Dasher empties it into the pot)

 

Dasher: then you pee in it

 

(Dasher pees in it)

 

Dasher: then you put Rudolph in here, and voila, put it in the oven and listen to the screaming! For you convenience, we’ve already prepared this dish, its still in the oven right now

 

(Dasher opens the oven door, and Rudolph is swimming around in the pot)

 

Rudolph: Dasher! Get-me-out-of-hereeeee!!!

 

(Dasher closes the oven door, turns around to look at the camera, and shrugs)

 

Dasher: well, seems like its not done yet. See you next time!

 

(fades out, and goes back to all the reindeer sitting in chairs, except Rudolph)

 

Blitzen: well, that’s all for today. Next time, we’ll probably do some more new mindless crap

 

Prancer: we would like to assure you that Rudolph is still alive (unfortunately), but he couldn’t join us today, because we cuffed him to the North Pole

 

(all the reindeer wave)

 

Everyone: good bye!

 

(end)

 

Don’t Do Drugs (Please)

This was done for class.

 

 

 

EXT. BACK YARD – DAY

 

Two friends on patio chairs are talking.

 

Soup Nazi

(lazily)

Arr! I want the rockin’ chair

 

Daek

Give me a rock!

 

Soup Nazi picks up a rock and hands it to Daek

 

Daek

No, you idiot! I mean a rock of coke!

 

Daek pulls out a violin, and Soup Nazi starts laughing hysterically

 

Soup Nazi

HAR HAR HAR! That’s some good Banjo playin there!

 

ANOTHER ANGLE where EDDY walks into frame and looks at camera

 

Eddy

A quiet day in the backyard, shooting and smoking anything you can find. This leads to uneducated, homeless, and broke people. (pause) Don’t…do…drugs…please…

 

Eddy walks off camera. Daek and Soup Nazi are laughing like pirates

 

FADE OUT

 

Behind the Lyrics – Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets

Fun fact: this was actually made into a real movie for school.

The SBC Behind The Lyrics title screen displays.

Announcer

On this edition, of Squackle! Broadcasting Company, Behind The Lyrics…

A picture of the members of Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets comes up

Announcer

You will experience, happiness, sadness, and anger as the members of the group…when Behind The Lyrics tells the story….of Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets

The SBC Behind The Lyrics title screen displays again.

Another picture of the rap group appears, staying on the screen.

Announcer

From Acornville, Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets was composed of 3 original members: Mark Petroleum, the main lead singer, Keith Bangs the bass player, and Toby Slick, another singer.

In a white room, MARK PETROLEUM is being interviewed

Mark Petroleum

Oh yeah, I remember when we first started out. Man, we were having the time of our life, going from club to club. BUT THAT WAS OF COURSE BEFORE I HATED THEM ALL….

Another picture of the group appears.

Mark Petroleum

Yeah, it was great, we went from club to club, doing our performances. I don’t even think we got paid for most of them. Just so that people would know about us. But basically we were going nowhere.

Another member, KEITH BANGS is being interviewed in a white room as well.

Keith Bangs

We were going nowhere. Me and Toby wanted OUT of Acornville.

Another member, TOBY SLICK is also being interviewed in the room too.

Toby Slick

So I went down to Keith Bangs’ and said, “we got no money, what we gonna do?” and so he says “FUGGET ABOUT IT….lets get rid of Mark”

A still picture of Keith and Toby “yelling” at Mark appears

Announcer

Just as the band was starting off, Keith and Toby couldn’t stand staying in Acornville, and decided the problem was Mark.

Goes back to Mark.

Mark Petroleum

I don’t know what was wrong with my singing…I thought we were rockin!

Goes to a “performance” with Mark singing really bad.

Goes to Keith in the white room

Keith Bangs

I mean, we were supposed to be a rap group, and he’s over here singin opera! What kind of a rap group is that?

Goes to Toby.

Toby Slick

We OBVIOUSLY had to get rid of him. And another thing, he SMELLED like CRAZY. Everytime he opened that gaping of hole of his, you could smell last night’s Chinese!

Goes to a picture of Mark with his mouth open.

Announcer

Mark’s bad habits and bad singing were the root of all the unsuccessfulness that they had.

Goes to the picture of Keith and Toby arguing with Mark.

Keith Bangs

Pretty soon after Toby came over to my apartment, we had to kick him out…and get a new singer. So that meant making auditions.

Goes to a picture of Mark, Keith and Toby sitting at a table in a row.

Keith Bangs

I don’t know why Mark was there, I guess he was helping us out get a replacement for him

A scene of Mark, Keith, and Toby sitting at the table, watching auditions for singing, like American Idol.

Someone is singing already and then he stops.

Mark Petroleum

Now there’s two things, you need to be in this group. One – is image. The other is voice. And C is talent. You’ve got none! I NEVER WANNA SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN. YOU WANNA REPLACE ME IN THIS GROUP, YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE

Keith Bangs

Girl, that was great. You go girl….out the door. Yeah go now.

Toby Slick

Now I can see some potential in that….the potential to GET OUTTA HERE

The singer pouts and then leaves.

Goes to a still picture of Edmonem

Announcer

And that’s when Edmonem came in the door.

Goes back to Keith.

Keith Bangs

I know my singers, and Edmonem was a good singer…..yeah….

Goes back to the scene with the American Idol thing.

Edmonem hums a few bars and sings a little bit, and then stops.

Mark Petroleum

YOU’RE BAD. BAD BAD BAD. NO WAY YOU’RE GETTING IN THIS-

Keith Bangs

YOU’RE IN!

Toby Slick

Oh yeah.

Goes to a still picture with Edmonem, Keith and Toby.

Keith Bangs

Yeah, our band was getting off to a good start. Oh YEAHHH!

Goes to a picture of Mark Petroleum, all alone.

Toby Slick

But after we kicked Mark out, he was never the same. He became addicted….to soap.

Goes to a picture of Joy Soap.

Mark Petroleum

Gosh, I just love soap…especially Joy. It made me joy….ful…. Gimme…… I NEED IT! AHHH!

Goes to Mark, and he’s just looking around.

Mark Petroleum

…..sweet…..delicious….soooooaaappp….

Mark pulls out a syringe full of soap and squirts it out into his hands, laughing maniacally.

Goes to a still picture of Mark on the floor with a soap bottle next to his head.

Keith Bangs

I mean, Mark just went crazy after he left. Every time he came over to my house, he used up all my soap. I think in one week, I spent 70 dollars worth of soap, just so I could wash my hands.

Toby Slick

It sickens and saddens me every time I see Mark. He always had pruned fingers.

The picture switches to Keith, Toby, and Edmonem standing around

Announcer

As soon as Mark was booted out of the band, Keith, Toby, and Edmon went right away from underground to mainstream rap, without even being signed on to a record label.

The Record Executive, HABIBI THE CRAZY JUMPING ARAB is being interviewed in the white room.

Habibi

So one day, I heard this great song on the rap station, K-RAP, and I say “Whoa, who is dis? Sign’m up, habibis!”

A still picture of Habibi hugging Keith Bangs.

Announcer

Keith and Habibi got pretty “buddy buddy” and often went to many parties with each other, after they got signed to Kabangaranga Productions

Keith Bangs

Yeah, I guess you could call me spoiled, but hey that’s just the way I am..

Pictures of Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets go through.

Toby Slick

That stupid Keith, I was supposed to be the Record Exec’s best friend! ME ME ME ME ME!

Goes back to Mark

Mark Petroleum

Why are you asking me this question? I have no idea what happened! I’m not even in the band…

GUY WITH A BAG ON HIS HEAD is getting interviewed now

Guy with Bag On his Head

Whoo whoo! Ahahaah! WHEE!

Another still picture of the band.

Announcer

After getting signed up, they made lots of money, but barely enough to uphold their lifestyle of living in garbage cans outside McDonalds, and they soon learned that they weren’t getting the bulk of their money.

The group’s manager, K SO is being interviewed

K So

Yeah, so what if I stole most of their money? But in the end, I SHOULD be getting this much money. Lemme show you my reasoning.

K So brings out a piece of paper and a pencil, and the camera focuses in on it.

K So

So lets say GTPS makes “x” amount of dollars. You divide that by 4, and you get x over 4 then you take the square root of x over 4 then you multiply it by a hundred and divide it by 10 then multiply it by 798, subtract 32 cents and you get my fair share.

Goes back to Toby Slick

Toby Slick

Man, we was only getting like 8 cents a show man. THAT’S robbery! We weren’t even getting minimum wage! I bet we’d have made more money working at Toys R Us as a shoe salesman than what we were doing.

Goes to Keith Bangs

Keith Bangs

Oh, I didn’t care. I was living in Habibi’s 15 bedroom guest house in Beverly Hills!

Goes to Edmonem

Edmonem

Right, so I was like “WHAAAT FOO” We aint getting no MONEY? I convinced Keith and Toby that we should KICK-K-SO-OUT of the system, and become our own managers

Goes to K So

K So

AHAHA..wouldn’t they know, it’d be the end of their careers? Being your own managers makes you get too much money, and you don’t even do anything when you’re manager….ummm….yeah..I don’t know what I just said…never mind…heheh…heh…heh…..don’t you have someone else to interview?

Goes to Edmonem

Edmonem

Little did we know…hehe…it was a little…umm…too much for us to handle.

Goes to Toby Slick

Toby Slick

I wanted money man…I had my NEEDS man. I mean, I stayed friends with Mark, and it was a lot of money keeping my house stocked with soap for him to bask in. In a sense, it WAS his fault.

Goes to Mark Petroleum

Mark Petroleum

I hated them all, I wanted to destroy them all, even if it took one soap bottle at a time.

Announcer

After a while, it got too much for everyone, and they decided that it was time to permanently….hold on let me turn the page….get rid of him.

(screen goes black)

(end)

 

The Barney Love Connection Episode 1

(a bad remake of the I Love Lucy them song plays, making it sound gayer than it regularly does)

(Barney, the purple dinosaur prances out on stage with a microphone)

(audience is clapping)

 

Barney: duh huh! I’m Barney, the purple dinosaur, and this is the Barney Love Connection! Yaay!!

 

(audience cheers loudly)

 

Barney: This is the show where we give losers that can’t find a date or get any at all, the choice to go out with 3 lovely people, or do 1 alternative choice which could range from anything to nothing!

 

(audience cheers)

 

Barney: now let’s welcome our first loser: Mr. Dan Dan the Motorcycle Man!

 

(Dan Dan rides in on a tricycle sitting down on a heart shaped couch next to Barney)

 

Barney: Dan Dan, we’ve got a spectacular line up for you today. 1st, lets go to the women for you!

 

(a shadowy figure appears in each of three boxes to the right of a bigger screen)

(the first of the 3 boxes appears on the bigger screen, and an announcer starts talking)

 

Announcer: Betty Ba-doop is a brunette from South Alabama. She enjoys space walks, and vacuums. She’s really into guys that can be like a vacuum on her…

 

(the box fades away, and the second one comes up)

 

Announcer: Erin White-ass is a blonde woman from Northern New Jersey who enjoys to take long baths with men and drink radioactive water. She has a third boob, extra fun for every one…

 

(the box fades away, and the third one comes up)

 

Announcer: Stripper McGoog is a stripper at a local nudey bar. Stripper likes to be naked.

 

Barney: wow! I wish I were you, so I could pick #3! But! If you don’t like it…(along with the audience) TAKE the ALTERNATIVE CHOICE!!

 

(audience cheers)

 

Barney: Let’s show him his alternative choice!

 

Announcer: if you don’t like any of the women, here, you have to make out with…THIS CAN OF TOMATO PASTE!!!

 

(the camera zooms in and out on a can of tomato paste over and over)

 

audience: ewwww!

 

Dan Dan (rubbing his chin): hmmm…

 

Barney: what’s it gonna be, Dan Dan? Is it gonna be Betty Ba-doop, Erin White-ass or Stripper McGoog? OR the Alternative choice?? Let’s see what the audience says!

 

(everyone says something different)

(everyone quiets down)

 

Idiot: number 8!!

 

(everyone looks at Idiot like he’s an Idiot and then a sniper shoots him from the rafters)

 

Idiot: squash

 

(Idiot dies)

 

Dan Dan: hmm….

 

Barney: have you made up your mind!??

 

Dan Dan: yes! I pick #3!!

 

(annoying bells ring and lights flash)

 

Barney: congratulations! You picked Stripper McGoog! Let’s see her!

 

(Stripper’s face appears in the big square again, and is revealed showing a man in a wig, with a beard. He waves at Dan Dan, and blows him a kiss)

 

Dan Dan (faling out of his seat): ahhh!!!!

 

(Stripper McGoog walks out from behind the TV screen running over to Dan Dan getting on top of him. You can now see Stripper McGoog is wearing a yellow rubber kinda dress thingy and platform shoes)

 

Barney: wow! I bet you sure woulda wanted to have made-out with the tomato paste….hahahaha….

 

(Stripper McGoog kisses Dan Dan over and over as the camera pans out)

 

Barney: we’ll find out how the date went, and pair up another 2 losers next episode!

 

(crowd applauds as credits roll and music plays as it does too)

 

Announcer: The Barney Love Connection with your host Barney Dinosaur is brought to you in main part by SBC, because they don’t have any better shows to put on the air right now, and also Queer-ker Oatmeal!

 

(end)

 

Pablo and Georges

Soup Nazi: Hi, I’m Pablo Picasso. I like to do art stuff and….draw…and paint in cubed drawing. Whee! I’m Spanish.

stimpyismyname: hello, I’m Pablo’s friend Georges Braque. I’m Spanish, too. I like to draw and paint, so maybe you should like our paintings. Let’s get some customer feedback.

davepoobond: these paintings are pieces of crap! But I love’m all!

Sara: yes, these are so bad, they’re good

Lisa: these paintings are very popular and you can’t even make out what they are drawing!

Soup Nazi: I’m such a great artist, aren’t I, Georges?

stimpyismyname: yes, I am too.

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

(end)

 

The Death of Mrs. Stickums

This is the prequel to “The Attack of Mrs. Stickums”


(Mrs. Stickums is tied to a post)Mrs. Stickums: give me one last Chupa Chu! Please I beg of you!

Commander of firing squad: no last requests for smelly fat blonde Health teachers born in China that boast about it!

(a line of guys with rocket launchers line up next to the commander and arm their rocket launchers. They aim at Mrs. Stickums)

Commander (waves his sword): FIRE!!

Mrs. Stickums: NOOOO!

Commander: YEEEESSS!!

Mrs. Stickums: noooo!

Commander: yeeess!

Mrs. Stickums: no!

Commander: yes!

(all this takes about 10 minutes)

(the guys finally fire, and blew Mrs. Stickums up…but!)

Mrs. Stickums: haw haw haw! Now I have enough power to escape!

Commander: oh NO! she’s so fat she absorbed the energy from the rocket explosions!

(Mrs. Stickums blasts off with her fart power and sparkles in the distance)

Commander: well…too bad we didn’t just leave her there to starve, instead…we killed the universe…

Guy 1: seriously, how long do you think that’ll take for her to starve?

Commander: who knows??!

(everyone turns to the camera and shrugs, the rockets going off again, killing them)

(that means no one knows Mrs. Stickums escaped!)

(end)

 

Bye Bye Family

(the family finds out they have a genetic disorder that runs through the family)

Dad: great, just great

Mom: boo!

Kid: ahhhh!

(everyone gets medical tests and have found out they got a bad genetic disorder and are bedridden for life, and a tremendous strain on their family’s financing)

(end)

 

The Pump Girls Episode 8

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 5

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on Homey)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

Homey

 

(along the way to school)

 

Homey (thinking): oh man, I don’t wanna go to school…what am I thinking? Oh yeah, there’s lots of LSD at school, I forgot…heh, silly me.

 

(KayKay blows bubbles in his face)

 

KayKay: Mr. Homey, why do you like school? I thought you were at lest 23

 

Homey: well, I am. I never graduated though. I got hooked onto LSD…

 

(Homey props his legs up on AshAsh’s head)

 

Homey: And I’ve been riding the SOOOOOOOUL TRAIN ever since

 

KayKay: what’s that?

 

Homey (looks out the window, ignoring KayKay): hey, look at that! a tree!

 

KayKay: you’re mean!

 

Homey: yes, I know

 

AshAsh: get your feet off my head!

 

(AshAsh grabs a handful of Homey’s leg hairs)

 

Homey: owwwwww!

 

Mommy Manager: we’re here!

 

Homey: finally…

 

(The Pump Girls leave, except Homey)

(Homey makes his way out, but Mommy Manager holds him by the shirt)

 

Mommy Manager: listen carefully. If I have to come pick you up for doing something illegal, don’t bother calling!

 

Homey: umm….k

 

(Homey jumps out of the van as it zooms away, rolling on the floor

 

Homey: oh…k…my next class is…Mrs. Stickums…

 

(Homey walks into the school, going to Mrs. Stickums’s room)

(elmoisfurry and davepoobond walks towards the class as well, and see Homey go in the room)

 

davepoobond: the hell? That guy smells..

 

(elmoisfurry shrugs)

(they walk into Mrs. Stickums’s room)

(Homey sits down in Mrs. Stickums’s chair, not knowing its hers)

 

Mrs. Stikcums (screaming): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CHAIR!? GET OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!

 

Homey: ah! Ok!

 

(Homey gets out of the chair, accidentally bumping a rock that has “patience” chiseled in it onto the floor)

 

Mrs. Stickums (sreaming): DON’T TOUCH MY PATIENCE ROCK!!

 

(Homey shrivels up into a fetal position, crying)

 

Homey: leave me alone…

 

Mrs. Stickums: ok, class, today I will teach you about drugs

 

Homey (stops crying): drugs? All riiight!

 

Mrs. Stickums: open your books to page 420 and start reading, while I sit in front of the room eating large amounts of sugary lollipops and making myself evermore the fat bitch, not actually being a teacher

 

Homey: do we get to sample the drugs?

 

Mrs. Stickums (raising her fist): I’ll let you sample a little of this!

 

Homey: what is that?

 

Mrs. Stickums: my fist!

 

Homey: what about it?

 

(Mrs. Stickums punches Homey, and he flies through the roof, landing on the roof)

 

Homey: owww…that fat bitch…

 

(Homey gets dizzy and passes out)

(Homey wakes up a little later, next to a naked person)

 

Homey: AH! YUCK!

 

(Homey grabs the person and tosses her off, into a crowd of people. The crowd of people look up after a few minutes)

 

Crowd of people: murderer!

 

Homey: ah crap.

 

(next thing Homey knew, he was in jail)

(25 people are sitting around lifting waits and junk)

 

Homey: hey, how’s it going? Where is this?

 

Tiny: this is the Golden State Penitentiary, and its Story Time. So you better tell us a pretty good friggin story if you wanna stay alive

 

(Homey tells the story of the day)

(after Homey tells his story, everyone is crying)

 

Tiny: did she REALLY tear off all that leg hair?

 

Homey: yeah, look!

 

(Homey points to a bald spot on his leg)

 

Tiny: man, if I ever see her, I’m gonna kill her)

 

(AshAsh is thrown into the same cell as them)

 

Homey: the hell? Yo boys, AshAsh is here, remember, its her?

 

Tiny: oh yeah. Lets kill her!

 

(25 people run at AshAsh, punching her into the ground endlessly and kicking her too)

(Homey just watches)

(Homey checks his pockets, and gets a little eye dropper out, waving it around)

 

Homey: hey guys, lets have an LSD party!

 

25 people: yeah!

 

(just then, a guard smacks Homey in the head with a nightstick, knocking him out)

(end)

 

The Pump Girls Episode 7

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 4

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on FartFart)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

FartFart

 

Mommy Manager: bye, Fart Fart

 

FartFart: ::fart:: bye!

 

(PeePee and PooPoo come along and walk around with FartFart)

 

PeePee: ::pee:: Hey, FartFart

 

FartFart: ::fart:: hi

 

PooPoo: ::poop:: what’s going on?

 

FartFart: ::fart:: nothin’ much

 

PooPoo: ::poop:: oh, that’s nice. Wanna do something cool?

 

FartFart: ::fart:: oh…k…

 

PeePee: ::pee:: fart the biggest fart ever and aim yourself at the gym

 

FartFart: ::fart:: ok!

 

(FartFart aims herself towards the gym and farts really loudly, propelling her into the air, flying towards the gym)

 

FartFart: wow! I’m flyingggg

 

(FartFart smacks into the gym’s wall and it collapses, with FartFart in the middle of the destruction)

(FartFart faints after she gives off another huge fart)

(end)

 

The Pump Girls Episode 6

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 3

 

(Mommy Manager walks in)

 

Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!

 

AshAsh: ah, great…

 

JayJay: yay!

 

FartFart: whoohoo!

 

KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

 

Homey: can I go to school, too?

 

Mommy Manager: I…suppose

 

Homey: yay!

 

(camera zooms in on KayKay)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)

 

 

KayKay

 

Mommy Manager: have a good-

 

KayKay (ripping off her clothes): FREEEEEEEDOOMMM!!

 

(KayKay runs into the school)

 

KayKay (thinking): they have some nice broom sticks in the Janitor’s Closet

 

(KayKay runs into the Janitor’s closet)

(Whoa, Crow, Foe, Moe, and Joe come in, too)

 

KayKay: what are you guys doing here?

 

Crow: umm…we wanna play “Get drunks so we can…do stuff” with you…

 

Joe: that’s it

 

KayKay: ok

 

(Foe hands KayKay a crack pipe and a bottle of LSD)

 

Foe: drink up

 

(KayKay gets “drunk” and falls over, seeing many hallucinations. She becomes delirious and doesn’t know what is happening any more)

(she stays like that until she goes back to the hospital)

(end)