Aguafina Man: hello. Aquafina sucks. You should buy our water instead. Aquafina doesn’t tell you what’s in their drinks. Our water is made of 100% spit. Yes that’s right. Spit. Spit is nutritious. Spit is sterile, and why not just have a bottle of our spit everyday? I’m sure you’ve had enough of the taste of your spit, am I right?


(Aguafina Man walks to an Aguafina and an Aquafina)


Aguafina Man: believe it or not, they’re made of the same thing. So why buy from those untrustworthy bastards, that promise you nothing, when you can buy from us, an honest, customer loving company that doesn’t sleep in the blood of virgins every night to stay young forever? You decide.




Radioactive Carpet

The Video Professor: Hello, The Video Professor back again from the hospital


(The Video Professor waves a bandaged hand)


The Video Professor: last time, I was burned silly on the front side of my body with Radiator Carpet. Amazingly, we have sold, to date 13 Radio Carpets and 15 Radiator Carpets. But now, Smart Carpets has a new product that is sure to fly off the shelves! It’s the Radioactive Carpet!


(The Video Professor leans against a wall)


The Video Professor: have you ever wanted to create your own mutated animals, objects, or even mutate yourself for better or worse? No more not being able to! The Radioactive Carpet takes care of all of that! Just simply rub on this package of Nuclear waste we found in New Jersey, and voila!


(The Video Professor pours on some nuclear waste on the carpet and his arms burn off)


The Video Professor: uh oh….um….your results may vary. Only $50 for the carpet and $1300 for a 8 oz. can of nuclear waste!




Radiator Carpet

The Video Professor: Hello! I’m The Video Professor with another product from Smart Carpets. Its called Radiator Carpet!


(The Video Professor lies down on the carpet in front of him)


The Video Professor: do you just happen to be cold-blooded or feel like being a lizard or a spider for no apparent whatsoever in you life? Look no further than the plug-inable Radiator Carpet!


(The Video Professor rolls around)


The Video Professor: IT works like a VCR in the sense that you don’t know how to program it, and it can plug into an outlet! But there are some drawbacks…


(The Video Professor gets 3rd degree burns all over his body)


The Video Professor: We have yet to come out with a model that you can actually control! Only $1500, at your local Smart Carpeteers! AHHHHH! THE BURNING!!!




Radio Carpet

The Video Professor: Hello. I am the Video Professor. Since I am piss poor because I was practically giving away my CDs to help people learn how to use their computers, I’ve decided tow work for Smart Carpets, the best wholesale carpet makers ever. Today, I’m here to show you their latest product. The Radio Carpet


(The Video Professor sits on a chair in front of a carpet)


The Video Professor: It works just like a VCR, except it’s a radio and has nothing to do with a VCR. It actually blows up all VCRs in a 10 centimeter radius if you’re not careful! I’ll show you how it works.


(The Video Professor leans toward the carpet)


The Video Professor (screaming): I want to listen to Backstreet Boys!


Radio Carpet: You’re gay. Here’s some N*Sync for the day!


(N*Sync music starts playing)


The Video Professor: This is a happenin’ beat!


(The Video Professor smiles)


Radio Carpet: Hey, this got flare, how above some music from a guy named Dave!


(Dave Mathews Band starts playing)


The Video Professor: The whole carpet is mixed in with millions of mini-speakers and mini-microphones. Every time it changes music it makes a rhyme, too!


Radio Carpet: That’s right, Pro, how about some Cro-ws?


(Crows start to squawk from the carpet)


The Video Professor: Well, there are some drawbacks…you can’t walk on the carpet because of the speakers and microphones and sometimes it picks something bad!


Radio Carpet: I’m hungry, how about some music from Hungary?!


(The Video Professor looks at the camera with a weird face)


The Video Professor: Only $36000! Would you please buy it? Please?




Regurgitated Dehydrated Instant Soup

(Man barfs into a cup)


Man: we just dehydrate it, and sell it to you. Its that simple. Never the same taste, and almost nutritious! We have 300 healthy and not so healthy workers working day and night!


(the camera gets a view of an assembly line of people barfing into cups. Some have green faces)



Old Man Soda

Old Guy: Hello, everyone I’m ol’ Cornbucker, but you can just call me Corny!


(Corny takes a step to the right, leaning on his cane. After 10 seconds, he moves again to the right, but stops)

(a guy goes over and pushes the table next to Corny)


Corny: thank ye sonnee…


(Corny picks up a can that says Old Man Soda)


Corny: This soda here has so much energy-giving, we’re going to scroll it really really fast!





Crystal Meth



Corn Syrup

Ricotta Cheese

Beef fiber


Corny: yeap! That’s a lot, ain’t it? With one drink of this here soaa-dy pop, you’ll feel like a kid again!


(Corny takes a swig, and he tosses his cane into the air, grabs it and does a stupid dance)


Corny: see! I’m feelin’ like a high teenager now, and I’m going to get lots of pussy! One sip lasts ten hours! Drink enough, and you’ll feel like a kid forever, until your heard explodes or your stomach walls collapse! But who cares? We were gonna die of that anyway! Dah dah duh dah!


(Corny dances off to the left)



Super Secure Trash Cans

Announcer Guy: hello, I am the announcer guy that seems to be the voice of every commercial and movie trailer that has an announcer in it, and I don’t get any flippin’ credit! How do people know how to hire me? I’m not exactly rich, because I’m not put into the credits or anything. But somehow, this Trash Can Company called the Super Trash Can Company hired me for 15 and a half bucks to tell you about their new product, the Super Secure Trash Cans.

(Announcer Guy walks net to a trash can)

Announcer Guy: are you pissed off at assholes trying to steal your garbage so it doesn’t go to the dump, and they’d actually probably get some use out of your trash? Now, if you buy these new trash cans, keys come with them, so you can lock and unlock your trash cans! Ain’t that great? There’s also a way to get thieves that really mean business-wanting to cut open the trash can with an axe or by any means necessary including, but not limited to

(scrolls really fast)

  • Drowing the trash can
  • Cutting it open with an axe
  • Ramming it with a bulldozer
  • Fast-talking politician-type speech

Announcer Guy: If you get the Deluxe version, the trash can defends itself. Observe.

(Announcer Guy walks nearer to the trash can)


Announcer Guy: most people would have crapped their panties already, but if they realllllllllly want your trash can that badly, and take one step closer…

(Announcer Guy takes one step closer)

Trash Can: you asked for it, asshole

(Trash Can sprouts legs and arms, and the Trash Can reaches inside and takes out a shotgun, blowing Announcer Guy away, and stomping on him over and over)

(The Trash Can runs around blowing away the camera guys and staff)

(The screen cuts to the Technical Difficulties sign with Dacky on it, playing classical music)

(fade out)



Bozo the Clown Deodorants

Bozo the Clown: Hello, I died. Pay your respects to the original one and only Bozo the Clown (me) by buying my new line of deodorants.


(Bozo the Clown shows the bar of deodorant)


Bozo the Clown: It comes in many flavors. In addition to making you smell great…


(Bozo the Clown licks the deodorant)


Bozo the Clown: It tastes great!


(Bozo the Clown gives a thumbs up)



Insta-Pantie Party Spray

(Insta-Pantie Party Man is dancing with a bunch of girls. He stops, but the girls keep dancing. All the girls are down to their underwear, as well as Insta-Pantie Party Man. It looks like he has at least 20 pairs of women’s panties on)

(Insta-Pantie Party Man snaps his fingers, and all the girls disappear)


Insta-Pantie Party Man: Hello, would you like this to be your everyday life? If so, listen on!


(Insta-Pantie Party Man walks to a different part of his house)


Insta-Pantie Party Man: Hi. I’m Insta-Pantie Party Man, and I’m going to tell you about a new discovery in the very interesting field of Pantie Pary Research.


(Insta-Pantie Party Man takes out a bottle from his panties and displays it, pointing at it with his free hand)


Insta-Pantie Party Man: Introducing the all new Insta-Pantie Party Spray! Just spray…


(Insta-Pantie Party Man sprays a little and hot girl appears out of nowhere in her panties, dancing)


Insta-Pantie Party Man: -and you instantly have a Pantie Party! Just keep spraying, and you get more! We have several types of Insta-Pantie Party Sprays available. We’ll have them scroll the screen really fast, so get your pens ready!


(scrolling really fast)

12 year old and under Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Teenager Insta-Pantie Party Spray

20 – 30 years old Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Mid Life Crisis Insta-Pantie Party Spray

“Middle Aged” Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Senior Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Friggin Old Insta-Pantie Party Spray

“I just can’t get it up, but maybe this will work” Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Dogs Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Giraffes Insta-Pantie Party Spray

Hippos Insta-Pantie Party Spray

and all new Clown Insta-Pantie Party Spray, and Pirate Insta-Pantie Party Spray


Insta-Pantie Party Man: all these come in male, female, hemaphrodite, transexual, bisexual male, bisexual female, trisexual, and trisexual with goozaks. You can find them at any Pool and Spa stores




Tyson and Friends Episode 2

Announcer: What happens when you put a bunch of boxers into a house to live with each other? You get…TYSON AND FRIENDS!!!


(Evander, Tyson, and Oscar are huddled around a flashlight and a phone in Tyson’s room)


Evander: we’re going to have to be quiet, so we don’t wake up the Hurricane


Tyson: oh, don’t worry about it….Betsy will keep him busy ALL night


Oscar: ugh…I hate that Betsy


Tyson: ok…so….who are we going to call? Its 2:00 in the morning, so, anybody we call will be instantly pissed off. Luckily, we might call a truck drivers house and wake up the truck driver, cuz he has to go at 5:00 in the morning and got home at 12:00 in the morning….so……..yeah…..


Oscar (punching in numbers): rinnnnnggggggg riiiiiingggggggg


(Evander raises an eyebrow and takes the phone away from Oscar)


Oscar: HEY! I usin that phone!


Evander: you had your turn…….my turn…..i’m gonna call a psychic hotline……that Cleo fag that keeps taking up all that time on the TV guide channel and shit channels like that


Oscar (scratching his head): well, ok, but I get to talk too


Evander (putting the phone on speaker phone): fine, we’ll all be able to talk


(Evander calls the psychic hotline with Cleo)


Cleo: hello, baby! You’ve reached Cleo!


Evander: FAG!


Cleo: well, that’s nice, tell me your name and birth date, and I’ll tell you your fortune!


Oscar: FAG!


Cleo: oh! So you name is FAG!, eh?


Tyson: FAG!


Cleo: and you birth date is FAG!, also…well, let me see here…


(a few seconds pass)


Cleo: well, it says here for you that you will go to bed…have a nice day, good bye, and thank you for your money!


(Cleo hangs up)


Tyson: that was extremely gay


Evander: eh….ok…..yeah, it was..


(Oscar farts)


Tyson: ……


Evander: right…lets call another number


(Tyson bangs his head on the dial pad)


Evander: its ringing!


Oscar: yeehaw!


Phone: hello, you’ve reached Closet World, can I help you?


Evander: OH SHIT!


Phone: what? What is it?


Evander: I need a closet!!!! Send one right nowwwww!


Phone: how big?


Evander: well, 111 feet by 10 centimeters


Phone: umm…ho-


(Evander hangs up)

(Tyson and Oscar start laughing, and the phone rings)


Tyson: oh crap! Don’t pick up!


(the phone rings and the answering machine picks up)


answering machine: hello….may I speak to the head of the house? Hello? Hello? Hell-


(the answering machine cuts the guy off)


Tyson: haha


Evander (growling): this is getting really boring…


(Tyson, Evander and Oscar all fart a really stinky fart and pass out)



Gas Station Shades

Manny With No Fanny – Hello! I’m Manny With No Fanny, and I work at every gas station you can imagine, because *I’m* the guy that owns them all

(Manny starts pacing)

Manny: *I* have a great cheap product in all my gas stations now! You can buy them for a buck a piece! They’re sunglasses and they come in various shapes and sizes! Best of all, they’re at all my gas stations! Buy them now or die!



The Poyfect Storm

(there are 2 ships coming in from fishing all month)

(Sosie, the girl captain on the other boat picks up her CB Radio transmitter thingy and talks into it)


Sosie: wheee!! how u doin George?


(George, the other guy on the the other ship that is the captain of it picks up the CB radio transmitter thingy in his ship)


George: fart!


Sosie: oh, dont be mad, just cause i got about……..50 times more fish than you!


George: nyak! we only got a few sardines. we had more bait than what we caught!


Sosie: well, thats not my fault…




Sosie: well…..poop!


(George and Sosie’s boats come into the harbor)


(later, at the office of the Fish Master…)


Fish Master (jaw dropping): only a few sardines George? man… just S-U-C-K


George: yeah, i know…..but this time, i’m going back out and getting some fish! lots o’ fish!


Fish Master: grr……you better! or i’ll be using you as bait!


(later at the bar…)


Dick: hey, Honey, lets go have sex upstairs and come back later!


Honey: alright!


(they go upstairs)

(next day…downstairs)


Dick: hey, george whats happening?


George: do you, fat head, toughy and jumpy wanna go on a fishing trip of our lives?


Dick: HELL YEAH! Lets go!


Honey: dont go!


Dick: forget you!


Honey: blah blah blah


Dick: yadda yadda yadda! i’m going, u cant make me not go


Honey: fine, go kill urself


(in a lab somewhere in the middle of Arizona)


scientist guy: whoa! look at that storm thingy off the coast of Massachusetts!


assisstant: oh, wow, thats neat….


scientest guy: you could be a meteorologist your whole life and never see anything like this…


assisstant: but…you already saw it….


scientist guy: …….oh yeah…..this should be called……….The “Poyfect” Storm!


(poyfect storm echoes)

(meanwhile, on the boat)


George: ooh! we have a quarter of a million dollars worth of fish! oh, look a storm! lets go into the middle of the 3 storms i see there and risk our lives to get the fish home in time!


fat head: uhh……


George: LETS GO!




jumpy: ack! water!


toughy: bah! this is noth- ::dies::


fat head: barrellss!!!!!


Dick: pirates!!


George: ICE CREAM!


jumpy: chocolate syrup!


(jumpy squirts some chocolate syrup on everyones ice cream)

(jumpy jumps over the side)


jumpy: gotta save the dead fish!


fat head: the fish are below deck!


jumpy: ……uh oh…..::dies::


George: Oh well! I’m the main star! i cant get killed!


terroist: hahahah! i rigged the ship and it is set to blow! you’re all gonna die!


fat head: oh no!!!! save the fish!


(fat head tosses some fish over the side)


Dick: nooooo! what are you doing?!?


fat head: ….saving the fish….::tosses another one over:: goooo! save yourself!!


(a shark pops up and eats the fish)


fat head: gulp! there are sharks here!


(Dick pushes fat head over the side and fat head gets eaten)

(a pirate appears at the top of the mast on the ship)


pirate: water, ho!


George: WATER!?! more water?!?


(George runs around in circles flailing his arms everywhere)


terrorist: ACK! i’m allergic to water!


(a tidal wave comes and makes the terrorist fly in the air and plop into the water, screaming, and dies)

(Dick stands on his head)


Pirate: nooo!! ::jabs himself with his sword and falls over into the water::


George: hmm……


(George looks around and shrugs)


George: poof!








all the guys that died were extras and we dont care about him


george: george clooney


Dick: norm mcdonald


fat head: roseanne


jumpy: Mr. Kangaroo Trainer at the LA Zoo


toughy: Arnold Schwarzenegger


Tyson and Friends Episode 1

Announcer: What happens when you put a bunch of boxers into a house to live with each other? You get…TYSON AND FRIENDS!!!


(Tyson, Oscar, and Evander are sitting on a couch watching TV)

(Tyson is flipping through the channels with the remote)


Oscar: Man, they ain’t no good thing on!


Evander: no, its they ain’t nothing good on!


Oscar (yelling in Evander’s face): I say how I want!


Evander (yelling in Oscar’s face): No! It’s, I say how I want to!


Oscar: I NO CARE!




(Evander shoves Oscar out of his face)


Ruben “Hurricane” Carter (yelling from the back): Would you shut the hell up before I beat you down wit my cane?!?


Oscar (standing up and yelling toward the back): You cannot beat me wit silly cane, old man!


Tyson: Sit yo’ ass down!


(Tyson tugs on Oscars shirt till he sits down)

(there’s a knock at the door)


Tyson (yelling at the door): Who is it?


Oscar: YA! WHO IT BE?


Betsy: It’s Betsy!




Oscar: Yes! Go away, we no want sugar today!


Evander: …and I dont wanna see your tight tiger skin pants on your flabby legs!


Betsy: Oh, comonnn….I have meat clips on today!


(all of them make weird faces)


Tyson, Oscar and Evander: EWWW!!


Tyson (whispering to Oscar and Evander): I know a way to get rid of her!


(Tyson takes out an old Arabian lamp from the couch)


Tyson (holding the lamp high up to the light): SEE???


Oscar: What it do?


Tyson (dissapointed): You are supposed to squint because the lamp is so shiny!


Evander: Its not shiny…its dirty!


(Tyson punches Evander on the arm)


Tyson: NO…it ain’t


Ruben “Hurricane” Carter: I want some milk!


(Oscar stands up and yells toward Ruben’s room)


Oscar: I no want give milk!


(Tyson rubs the lamp and a thing comes out of it)


Evander (looking up at the cloud of smoke taking a shape): Is that…Mohammed Ali???


Mohammed Ali: What do you want master?


Tyson: I want you to get rid of Betsy…


(Betsy knocks on the door again)


Tyson: …and give old Ruben some milk.


Oscar: I solve problem!


(Oscar opens the door and lets Betsy in)


Betsy: I knew you’d come around!


Oscar: I no want milk! Give Ruben milk!


(Betsy runs to Ruben’s door and opens and closes it)


Ruben: HUH??? Betsy! How did you get in here??


(kissing sounds come from Ruben’s bedroom)




Tyson (looking at the bedroom door): well…I guess that’s ok…


(Tyson looks up at Mohammed)


Tyson: You can go into the lamp now…


Mohammed: …ok…


(Mohammed disappears into the lamp)

(Tyson picks up the remote control and starts flipping through the channels again)


Tyson: Well, there’s nothing on…


Evander: Yeah, I guess so…


Oscar: Let make prank phone call!


Tyson: Hey, that’s a good idea!


Oscar (tapping his head with one finger): I know I be smart


(Evander yawns)


Evander: Its a little late…let’s do it tomorrow…


Tyson: Yeah, I guess it is pretty late…


(everybody goes to their bedrooms and go to sleep)



Pussy the Wussy Episode 1

Computer: Hey Everybody It’s time for Pussy the Wussy

Pussyteers: Pussy the Wussy wusses out here, Pussy the Wussy wusses out there, Pussy the Wussy wusses out EVERYWHERE!!!!

Pussy the Wussy: Thank you pussyteers you do a purrrrrfectly fine job singing the Pussy the Wussy song. Give a round of applause!!!

Crowd: Those guys SUCK!!

Pussyteer leader: Well gee, you guys are just a big fat tub of lard that and that and Godzilla couldn’t move!!!!!

Crowd: SO!!!! We get free shows don. t we?? Anyway this show isn’t worth shit!! No wonder I. m the only one here!!! I. m REALLY hurt by that “diss.”

(Crowd rolls his eyes)

Pussy the Wussy: What is your name ma’am?

Crowd: That’s SIR to you!!!

Pussy the Wussy: Yes ma’am!! Get the people to write SIR for the name of this dear old lady.

SIR: I’m a man!!!!!

Pussy the Wussy: A. MAN? I thought it was SIR!?! Is it A. SIR MAN?

A. SIR MAN: NO you little piece of shit!!!

Pussy the Wussy: My name is not You Little Piece of Shit, it. s Pussy the Wussy!!

A. SIR MAN: Urrgh!!

Pussy the Wussy: Is that a part of your name A. SIR MAN?


Pussy the Wussy: Are you sure?


Pussy the Wussy: Well, which is it? Yes or no?


(A. SIR MAN tries to move but can’t)

A. SIR MAN: DAMMIT!!! …..well what is this show about anyway??

Pussy the Wussy: Um….I show tapes of places I wuss out. And I do some crazy stuff also, that are really funny!

A. SIR MAN (mumbling): I’m sure…

Pussy the Wussy: I’ll show you one right now!

(scene switches to a title)

Title: Pussy the Wussy Wusses Out

(Pussy the Wussy is walking along the sidewalk and a homeless person comes up to him)

Homeless Person: A penny for my thoughts?

Pussy the Wussy: You haven’t been homeless for that long, a homeless person is too hungry to be funny. And you scare me.

(Pussy the Wussy starts to back away and the Homeless Person still walks toward him)

Homeless Person: Please, I’m hungry and thirsty

Pussy the Wussy: NO, GET AWAY!!!! AARRRGHH!!!!

(Pussy the Wussy runs away)

(end of clip)

(scene switches to Pussy the Wussy sitting at his desk)

Pussy the Wussy: How did you like that?


Pussy the Wussy: Stoopid? Or Stupid?


Pussy the Wussy: I’m glad you liked it


Pussy the Wussy: NEXT CLIP!!!


(scene switches to title)

Title: Pussy the Wussy Wusses Out Again

(Pussy the Wussy is walking along a sidewalk in New York)

Pussy the Wussy: So, this is New York?

(a weird lady walks up to him and opens her coat so Pussy the Wussy can see her)

Weird Lady: Hey, wanna have a party?

Pussy the Wussy: AAHH!!! YOU SCARE ME!!!

Weird Lady: What is it? Are you a virgin? Are my boobs too big? What?

Pussy the Wussy: Get away from me!!! YOU SCARE ME!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!

(Pussy the Wussy runs away)

(end of clip)

(scene switches back to Pussy the Wussy sitting at his desk)

Pussy the Wussy: THAT was GOOD!!!


Pussy the Wussy: Because…compared to this…its nothing!

(Pussy the Wussy points at the camera)

Pussy the Wussy: NEXT CLIP!


(scene switches to title)

Title: Pussy the Wussy Tries to Take a Crap

(Pussy the Wussy is walking into a Carl’s Jr.)

(Pussy the Wussy tries the door on the bathroom, its locked)

Pussy the Wussy: Hmm…that’s odd, it won’t open.

(Pussy the Wussy looks at the handle)

Pussy the Wussy: Oh! That’s why! Somebody is in here! It says OCCUPIED.

(Pussy the Wussy goes over and buys a burger and fries and sits down at a table)

Pussy the Wussy: This stuff is pretty good…

(Pussy the Wussy finishes his food and goes over to the bathroom)

(its still locked)

Pussy the Wussy (looking at his watch): Hmm…this person has been going to the bathroom for about 20 minutes!

(the door opens and a woman comes out of the bathroom, she has toilet paper trailing on her foot)

Pussy the Wussy: Excuse me ma’am…this is a bathroom for men…

Lady: And that doesn’t include She-Males?

(Pussy the Wussy gets wide-eyed and starts to get nervous)

Pussy the Wussy: did you say…she…she-male?

She-Male: Yes, I am a she-male


(Pussy the Wussy runs away from the she-male)

(end of clip)

Pussy the Wussy (laughing): WASN’T THAT FUNNY?????

A. SIR MAN: …no

Pussy the Wussy: Why not?

A. SIR MAN: cause

Pussy the Wussy: cause what?


Pussy the Wussy: A blow what??? Excuse me sir, that is NOT funny! You may not say things like that on this show!


Pussy the Wussy: I’m pretending I didn’t hear that!


Pussy the Wussy: Ok, I have nothing else to show you guys for today.

(Pussy the Wussy gets up and leaves)

A. SIR MAN: no, don’t leave me! You can’t leave me here alone!